The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
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- Create Date：2021-04-29 10:57:37
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Alice Miller
- ISBN：0465012612
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Summary
Why are many of the most successful people plagued by feelings of emptiness and alienation？ This wise and profound book has provided thousands of readers with an answer—and has helped them to apply it to their own lives。Far too many of us had to learn as children to hide our own feelings， needs， and memories skillfully in order to meet our parents’ expectations and win their ”love。” Alice Miller writes， ”When I used the word ’gifted’ in the title， I had in mind neither children who receive high grades in school nor children talented in a special way。 I simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb… Without this ’gift’ offered us by nature， we would not have survived。” But merely surviving is not enough。 The Drama of the Gifted Child helps us to reclaim our life by discovering our own crucial needs and our own truth。
Miller’s wide and profound book about childhood trauma has provided thousands of readers with guidance and hope， and is essential reading for those interested in psychology， psychotherapy， and more。
Miller’s wide and profound book about childhood trauma has provided thousands of readers with guidance and hope， and is essential reading for those interested in psychology， psychotherapy， and more。
Reviews
Мария Авдеева
，
Впечатлило。Были моменты， в которых видишь себя。 Пробирало。 Советую всем。 Книга тяжело воспринимается， так как начинаешь ворошить все свои детские "травмы"， но при этом получаешь понимание почему так произошло и что тебе с этим дальше делать。 Советую всем， особенно будущим родителям。 Впечатлило。Были моменты， в которых видишь себя。 Пробирало。 Советую всем。 Книга тяжело воспринимается， так как начинаешь ворошить все свои детские "травмы"， но при этом получаешь понимание почему так произошло и что тебе с этим дальше делать。 Советую всем， особенно будущим родителям。 。。。more
persephonme
，
possibly the closest thing i'll ever read to a self-help book。alice miller does a good job writing in an incredibly readable way though none of her claims seemed to backed by any scientific method apart from her own experience with her patients。that being said， i do think she makes some valid points and i'm surprised at how this book was first published about 60 years ago （this edition maybe 25 years or so） and her ideas don't seem overly dated。the first half of the book is definitely stronger t possibly the closest thing i'll ever read to a self-help book。alice miller does a good job writing in an incredibly readable way though none of her claims seemed to backed by any scientific method apart from her own experience with her patients。that being said， i do think she makes some valid points and i'm surprised at how this book was first published about 60 years ago （this edition maybe 25 years or so） and her ideas don't seem overly dated。the first half of the book is definitely stronger than the second。 i didn't really agree with her ideas about mental illness and sexual perversions。 。。。more
Fatima H。 Barazi
，
“One is free from depression when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one’s own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities。”
John
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I found this to be highly influential in terms of my own journey dealing with the unconscious self—a self that's been shaped by repressive parental forces—and， I think， also an important read for new parents or those thinking of becoming one。 One must learn to reconcile their own childhood and the expectations placed on them so they， in turn， don't cause the development of a false self in their own children。 This book gives a framework and voice to the forces that underlie expectation and depres I found this to be highly influential in terms of my own journey dealing with the unconscious self—a self that's been shaped by repressive parental forces—and， I think， also an important read for new parents or those thinking of becoming one。 One must learn to reconcile their own childhood and the expectations placed on them so they， in turn， don't cause the development of a false self in their own children。 This book gives a framework and voice to the forces that underlie expectation and depression， and can be a cathartic guide for anyone who feels as if their parents offered conditional love that acknowledged them for what they accomplished and not the true self。 。。。more
Tonia
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Genre: Self-Help。 Rating: AdultListened to audio， which was passable。Sigh。 The central insight of this book is good。 To varying extents， we all modified our true selves when we were children to fit our parent's expectations。 This can be a helpful perspective to use in personal understanding。However， it is not the explanation for everything。 The author seems to have found a good hammer， and then decided that *every* psychological issue is a nail。 In particular， she seems to have an incomplete und Genre: Self-Help。 Rating: AdultListened to audio， which was passable。Sigh。 The central insight of this book is good。 To varying extents， we all modified our true selves when we were children to fit our parent's expectations。 This can be a helpful perspective to use in personal understanding。However， it is not the explanation for everything。 The author seems to have found a good hammer， and then decided that *every* psychological issue is a nail。 In particular， she seems to have an incomplete understanding of ADHD， Depression， Parental Instincts， and Kinks （which she always vaguely calls "sexual perversion"）。 So I found this book super frustrating， and ended up quitting about half-way through。 It might have gone down better if I were reading print and could have skimmed over more of the annoying parts。 A pity， because there is some good stuff in there， but it's overwhelmed by all the things she gets wrong。 。。。more
Leda Anastasia
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An interesting essay。 Full of spoilers， if you are currently into therapy， but very helpful and enlightening nonetheless。
Roxanne
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This book is not about learning to forgive your Mama。 You can do that later， of course; forgiveness is good for the soul。 This is about understanding that， yes， despite purity of intention， despite even the absence of beatings， you may likely have experienced emotional abuse and have no recollection of it。 Your feelings were laughed at。 You were shown contempt。 You were told your problems didn't matter， or you often felt left alone to solve them。 Your parents weren't devils （maybe）， but they the This book is not about learning to forgive your Mama。 You can do that later， of course; forgiveness is good for the soul。 This is about understanding that， yes， despite purity of intention， despite even the absence of beatings， you may likely have experienced emotional abuse and have no recollection of it。 Your feelings were laughed at。 You were shown contempt。 You were told your problems didn't matter， or you often felt left alone to solve them。 Your parents weren't devils （maybe）， but they themselves lacked the emotional readiness to mindfully help a child grow。Miller doesn't offer DIY therapy; the value of the book for me was to read my own childhood in her lines。 To understand that all the times I felt terrible， humiliated， lost， and scared were not that child's fault。 I don't have to reenact unconscious vengeance in my adult life。Miller was - at the time - a psychotherapist who saw that the common therapy practices were worse than useless。 She manages this book without psychobabble。 。。。more
geena ✨
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（Trigger Warning: Childhood physical， mental/emotional and sexual abuse）If you are into psychoanalysis this is a great book to read。 I cried so many times， it helped me understand my childhood trauma on a deeper level and where they could stem from。 A lot of the things i learned in this book will stay imprinted in my mind for eternity。 I will share below two quotes that deeply touched me。 “ the awareness of old feelings is not deadly but liberating。”“These people have all developed the art of no （Trigger Warning: Childhood physical， mental/emotional and sexual abuse）If you are into psychoanalysis this is a great book to read。 I cried so many times， it helped me understand my childhood trauma on a deeper level and where they could stem from。 A lot of the things i learned in this book will stay imprinted in my mind for eternity。 I will share below two quotes that deeply touched me。 “ the awareness of old feelings is not deadly but liberating。”“These people have all developed the art of not experiencing feelings， for a child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully， understands her， and supports her。 If that person is missing， if the child must risk losing the mother’s love or the love of her substitute in order to feel， then she will repress her emotions。 She cannot even experience them secretly， “just for herself”; she will fail to experience them at all。 But they will nevertheless stay in her body， in her cells， stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event。”Excerpt From: Alice Miller。 “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self， Third Edition。” Apple Books。 Very powerful。on the contrary， I would've loved to see more regarding fathers' contributions to childhood trauma。 It was there but not in-depth。 I must add that the first half of this book is a 5 stars for me， the second not so much maybe 3。5 as i felt it was all repeated or didn't resonate as much。 A great book nonetheless， i highly recommend， check trigger warnings before reading。 。。。more
Igne
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Nusprendžiau perskaityti， nes pasirodė， kad knygos tema sutampa su mano pačios psichoterapijos kelione。 Manau， jog autorės teorija apie vaikystėje patirtų traumų padarinius vėlesniame gyvenime ir iš tikrosios savasties praradimo kylančius depresinius polinkius didžiąja dalimi yra pagrįsta。 Skaitydama （o skaitymas šios knygos greitas – pora valandėlių， ir kvit） pagavau save ne sykį pritariamai linksinčią arba mintimis grįžtančią į vaikystę。 Bet visgi atrodo， kad autorė per plačiai užmeta savo tin Nusprendžiau perskaityti， nes pasirodė， kad knygos tema sutampa su mano pačios psichoterapijos kelione。 Manau， jog autorės teorija apie vaikystėje patirtų traumų padarinius vėlesniame gyvenime ir iš tikrosios savasties praradimo kylančius depresinius polinkius didžiąja dalimi yra pagrįsta。 Skaitydama （o skaitymas šios knygos greitas – pora valandėlių， ir kvit） pagavau save ne sykį pritariamai linksinčią arba mintimis grįžtančią į vaikystę。 Bet visgi atrodo， kad autorė per plačiai užmeta savo tinklą （o gal tai tik konservatyvūs to meto įsitikinimai？）， nes， galiu lažintis， kad ne kiekvienas pirsingus turintis asmuo vaikystėje buvo fiziškai ar seksualiai išnaudojamas。 。。。more
Fic Abernathy
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Oof
Nina Șerban
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone， since we cannot change anything in our past。 We can， however， change ourselves。 We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness。 This path， although certainly not easy， is the only route by which we can at last leave behind the cruel， invisible prison of our childhood。 We become free by transforming The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone， since we cannot change anything in our past。 We can， however， change ourselves。 We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness。 This path， although certainly not easy， is the only route by which we can at last leave behind the cruel， invisible prison of our childhood。 We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present， who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it。 。。。more
LPG
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Read this on a whim after seeing it mentioned in Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home。 It was a pretty short read， so I sailed through it in bed last night in one sitting。 As with all psychology books， I tried to find the glinting edge of reflection。 Am I fucked up because of this particular brand of parental neglect？ I think I can honestly say no。 My mother was and is many things - anxious， controlling， just plain bonkers - but she loved me as a person since the second we set eyes on each other。 Loved me Read this on a whim after seeing it mentioned in Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home。 It was a pretty short read， so I sailed through it in bed last night in one sitting。 As with all psychology books， I tried to find the glinting edge of reflection。 Am I fucked up because of this particular brand of parental neglect？ I think I can honestly say no。 My mother was and is many things - anxious， controlling， just plain bonkers - but she loved me as a person since the second we set eyes on each other。 Loved me with the power of a thousand suns， nurtured my personality as best she could， and made my home environment safe， despite her own chaotic childhood。This book was good though。 I definitely know people like this， even if my own brand of fucked-up-by-my-parents is a horse of an altogether different colour。 。。。more
Anna Norkett
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Multiple times reading this book， I had to stop and think “How does the author know exactly what’s going on in my head？！” Such a quick read but full of wisdom， grace and insight unlike any other book I’ve read。 I would recommend to anyone to help them understand themselves， their families & their communities better。
Jason
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First， I feel the need to qualify what I'm going to say by noting that the label "gifted child" in Miller's terms is not the same as we might immediately assume--as in， the smart kid who's in special Talented and Gifted Programs in school， or the like。 By her definition， the gifted child is the one who has learned to anticipate the needs and wants of others out of necessity because the child's primary caregiver（s） were unprepared/unable to provide for the emotional needs of the child and instead First， I feel the need to qualify what I'm going to say by noting that the label "gifted child" in Miller's terms is not the same as we might immediately assume--as in， the smart kid who's in special Talented and Gifted Programs in school， or the like。 By her definition， the gifted child is the one who has learned to anticipate the needs and wants of others out of necessity because the child's primary caregiver（s） were unprepared/unable to provide for the emotional needs of the child and instead expected that the child provide for the caregiver's needs。 The child learned that in order to receive love， they needed to anticipate the needs of mom or dad and perform according to those needs。 The child learned early on to set themself aside and become who others wanted them to be。 The first chapter of this book was ground-breaking for me， in that I identified so strongly with the scenario Miller laid out。 This has led to a new batch of breakthroughs in my own development。 If you identify as sensitive or as an empath， I recommend you give this short book a shot。 It may be just the key to why you are who you are you've been looking for。 。。。more
Soniuca
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The kind of book that talks about truths no one wants to even hear about- parents projecting their own repressed pain onto their children， and the cycle continues。。。
Beyza Sarıaslan
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 Kitabı elime aldığımda düşündüğüm şey Üstün yetenekli çocuklarla ilgili sanırım diyordum。 İyi ki değilmiş。 Alice Miller oysaki bizden bahsediyormuş。 Ana babamızın， toplumun bize uyguladığı her şey yüzünden aynaya baktığımızda kendimizi değil de onları görmemizden， asıl içimizde olan yeteneklerimizi kaybedip yaşadığımız o bunalım o aşağılık duygusundan nasıl yara aldığımızı anlatan bir terapi kitabıymış。Hem kendinize hem de mesleki alanda çok işe yarayacak bir kitap。
Theadora
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Read for therapy。
Denise Chan
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Dated in certain aspects and the structure is a bit hard to follow at times， but overall a fascinating， informative （albeit heavy） read on childhood trauma and transference from generation to generation。
Eli
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کتاب به نسبت کمحجم و روان است اما خوانش آن سریع پیش نمیرود。نویسنده از ما میخواهد که دوران کودکی و خاطراتش را به یاد بیاریم و با پی بردن به این مهم که آنچه احساس میکردیم، در عمل «ما» نبودیم و تنها حاصل نوع پرورشمان بوده است، با پیشینهٔ دوران کودکی خود به تفاهم برسیم و از این رو احساس زنده بودن را بازیافته و آگاهانه درماندگی و وابستگی دوران کودکی خود را بررسی کنیم。متن از کتاب:«هدف درمان تصحیح گذشته نیست، بلکه توانا ساختن بیمار به روبهرویی با پیشینه خود و اندوهگین شدن برای آن است。 بیمار باید خ کتاب به نسبت کمحجم و روان است اما خوانش آن سریع پیش نمیرود。نویسنده از ما میخواهد که دوران کودکی و خاطراتش را به یاد بیاریم و با پی بردن به این مهم که آنچه احساس میکردیم، در عمل «ما» نبودیم و تنها حاصل نوع پرورشمان بوده است، با پیشینهٔ دوران کودکی خود به تفاهم برسیم و از این رو احساس زنده بودن را بازیافته و آگاهانه درماندگی و وابستگی دوران کودکی خود را بررسی کنیم。متن از کتاب:«هدف درمان تصحیح گذشته نیست، بلکه توانا ساختن بیمار به روبهرویی با پیشینه خود و اندوهگین شدن برای آن است。 بیمار باید خاطرات پیشین خود را کشف کند و باید هوشیارانه از تحقیر و دستکاری ناخودآگاه پدر و مادر آگاه شود تا بتواند خود را از آنها رها کند。 محتویات ضمیر ناخودآگاه بدون تغییر و جاودانی باقی خواهند ماند。 تنها با آشکار شدن این محتویات است که تغییرات آغاز خواهند شد。» صفحهٔ ۱۰۶ 。。。more
lyle
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Tends to make general claims that have a ring of truth to them but the author doesn't often do much to explain where she's getting all of it from。 Tends to make general claims that have a ring of truth to them but the author doesn't often do much to explain where she's getting all of it from。 。。。more
Anisha Ramani
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This was a simple， first-timers approach to the psychodynamic theory。 I was struck by the force of confidence with which Miller narrated her findings。 In fact， I am often awestruck by the confidence many of these psychologist authors tend to have when they speak of their philosophies regarding our being and existence。 When reading this， you’ll either relate to it， or you won’t。 TLDR; it is REALLY important to be your authentic self。 If in childhood you are not accepted for your authentic self， t This was a simple， first-timers approach to the psychodynamic theory。 I was struck by the force of confidence with which Miller narrated her findings。 In fact， I am often awestruck by the confidence many of these psychologist authors tend to have when they speak of their philosophies regarding our being and existence。 When reading this， you’ll either relate to it， or you won’t。 TLDR; it is REALLY important to be your authentic self。 If in childhood you are not accepted for your authentic self， there are consequences。 This would be a great book for those interested in exploring the impact of abuse， codependent family systems， and the unconscious。 。。。more
jamie
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I wanted to read this after reading the CPTSD book last fall。 I found a lot of what Alice Miller says in this book to ring true。 It definitely reflects the path that my mental health has gone on。 I thought for a long time that I was depressed for no reason， but there are many reasons。 I would recommend this book to anyone who has felt immense pressure to perform highly （in academics， career， etc。） and is not sure where this comes from。 The parenting of children affects people throughout their en I wanted to read this after reading the CPTSD book last fall。 I found a lot of what Alice Miller says in this book to ring true。 It definitely reflects the path that my mental health has gone on。 I thought for a long time that I was depressed for no reason， but there are many reasons。 I would recommend this book to anyone who has felt immense pressure to perform highly （in academics， career， etc。） and is not sure where this comes from。 The parenting of children affects people throughout their entire lives and many acts of mistreatment can be dismissed from our memories。 It is important that people realize the root of their issues and deal with these emotions and trauma in a professional setting。 As much as many of the things in this book resonated with me， some statements were outdated and a bit irritating as they were written in a disapproving tone （i。e。 kink-shaming; shaming of piercings）， which is why I gave this book four stars。 。。。more
Sam Hendricks
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This was a quick read with some valuable insight。 I was also very aware it was written more than my lifetime ago due to some antiquated cultural and sexual notions。
Zuhair Mehrali
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Direct and disarming; confrontational and cathartic。 In an undramatic tone and even pace Alice Miller makes the case for the adult as carrying concealed within them traumas of the child， and how these are manifested in （mental， chronic or psychosomatic） illness， grandiosity， obsession/repetition and of course projected and passed on to their offspring。 Is fairly critical of organised group structures （religious， political， intellectual ideologies） that deny a person their autonomy or provide a f Direct and disarming; confrontational and cathartic。 In an undramatic tone and even pace Alice Miller makes the case for the adult as carrying concealed within them traumas of the child， and how these are manifested in （mental， chronic or psychosomatic） illness， grandiosity， obsession/repetition and of course projected and passed on to their offspring。 Is fairly critical of organised group structures （religious， political， intellectual ideologies） that deny a person their autonomy or provide a false sense of such。 An interesting and moving exploration of the fiction work of Herman Hesse cross-referenced with his biographical work and the letters of his parents。 Appraisal of artistic practice and liberty of feeling。 I find it all very compelling。 As it’s written from a very European lens and experience， I am interested to follow up by reading something similar as pertains to for example South Asian communities with slightly different cultural traditions。 Though my feeling is the core findings might be fairly universal。 。。。more
Tain
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Absolutely excellent。 I think this is kind of book I'm going to need to read more than once to get everything from。 This isn't a self-help book， but it was definitely full of introspection-prompting annecdotes and stats。My favourite quotes were:"What became of my childhood？ Have I not been cheated out of it？ I can never return to it。 I can never make up for it。 From the beginning I have been a little adult。""In what is described as depression and experienced as emptiness， futility， fear of impov Absolutely excellent。 I think this is kind of book I'm going to need to read more than once to get everything from。 This isn't a self-help book， but it was definitely full of introspection-prompting annecdotes and stats。My favourite quotes were:"What became of my childhood？ Have I not been cheated out of it？ I can never return to it。 I can never make up for it。 From the beginning I have been a little adult。""In what is described as depression and experienced as emptiness， futility， fear of impoverishment， and loneliness can usually be recognized as the tragic loss of the self in childhood， manifested as the total alienation from the self in the adult。""When I succeeded in retrieving some repressed memories， they were close to unbearable。 I wanted to stop。 But my curiosity and my pain were stronger than my fear， and I decided to continue。""The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain， but vitality— the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings。""。。。the impact of even the most severe ill- treatment can remain hidden because of the child’s strong tendency to idealization。""What is unconscious cannot be abolished by proclamation or prohibition。 One can， however， develop sensitivity toward recognizing it and begin to experience it consciously， and thus eventually gain control over it。""Nationalism， racism， and fascism are in fact nothing other than ideological guises of the flight from painful， unconscious memories of endured contempt into the dangerous， destructive disrespect for human life， glorified as a political program。" 。。。more
Ariadne Deborah Fassel
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I got this book because of a comment by Peter Coyote in one of his interviews。 I almost regret spending the money。It has interesting insights that make me wonder what mental blocks I gave my children for Xmas。 However， I don't see the connection with gifted children， except perhaps in the very last part in which children who are more intelligent than their parents are discussed briefly。The author trying to be PC with pronouns is annoying。 There are other gender-neutral expressions that sound mor I got this book because of a comment by Peter Coyote in one of his interviews。 I almost regret spending the money。It has interesting insights that make me wonder what mental blocks I gave my children for Xmas。 However， I don't see the connection with gifted children， except perhaps in the very last part in which children who are more intelligent than their parents are discussed briefly。The author trying to be PC with pronouns is annoying。 There are other gender-neutral expressions that sound more professional。 。。。more
John Paul
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This can be a difficult read if you’ve been placed in the situation the author writes about。 I found this book especially helpful in coming to terms with the emotional artifacts from being made a parent as a child。
Anne
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This is a slow and complex read。 I read this in combination with my psychotherapy sessions。 It puts a beautiful perspective on children turned adults who had to sacrifice themselves in order to understand and subsequently survive。
Sarah Hopp
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Would almost give this book 5 stars for the amount of times my heart seized with knowing and truth， but there is a little too much antiquated language / belief around sexwork， feminism， tattoos， etc。 for me to do that。 Regardless， this book is definitely worth a read if you are struggling to “find” your true self or understand and express your wants and needs in relationships or even to yourself。
fame
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