The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now
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- Create Date：2021-04-27 08:51:16
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Meg Jay
- ISBN：1538754231
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Summary
Revised and reissued for a new generation of twentysomethings， New York Times bestselling psychologist Dr。 Meg Jay uses real stories from real lives to provide smart， compassionate， and constructive advice about the crucial （and difficult） years we cannot afford to miss。
Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter。 Some say they are a second adolescence。 Others call them an emerging adulthood。 Dr。 Meg Jay， a clinical psychologist， argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation， much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood。
Drawing from almost two decades of work with hundreds of clients and students， THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with the behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings， themselves。 The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties， and shows us how work， relationships， personality， social networks， identity， and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood -- if we use the time wisely。
Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter。 Some say they are a second adolescence。 Others call them an emerging adulthood。 Dr。 Meg Jay， a clinical psychologist， argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation， much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood。
Drawing from almost two decades of work with hundreds of clients and students， THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with the behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings， themselves。 The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties， and shows us how work， relationships， personality， social networks， identity， and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood -- if we use the time wisely。
Reviews
L
，
I don't know how I feel about this book。 Now I'm scared and anxious about the rest of my twenties。 I don't know how I feel about this book。 Now I'm scared and anxious about the rest of my twenties。 。。。more
Irene Castillo
，
It left me feeling more motivated with being intentional with my life choices。 Not a perfect book but any book that stirs you into action is a book worth reading。
Ali
，
Very highlighted and dog marked， included so useful findings and helpful but maybe goes on the side of conservative。
Melissa Perrin
，
Am I allowed to write reviews on books I listened to as opposed to read on goodREADS？ I don’t know the answer to that， but I do know that I really enjoyed this book and zipped through it。It offers some seemingly sound advice for the next ten years of my life that I don’t think I’ve heard in such a direct way before。 She adds weight to the 20s that is motivational and exciting as I’m about to graduate college。 She said be intentional。 And I said okay。
Marina Li
，
SUCH an important read！ Everybody should read this。 I rarely reread books but I’m sure this one would be one I reread again in the future。 The author shares many twentysomething clients’ stories throughout the book and seamlessly weave in important lessons。 There was never a dull moment。 I’m sure next time I read it I’ll have a different perspective。
Christine
，
Thorough explanation of why the twenties matter & why you should be empowered to act now。 A little scary but。。。 thanks Brooke for the book！
Lauren Gaudin
，
Best “self help” book I have ever read。 Discusses: career， effective use of time， decisions making， anxiety， relationships and having children。
Nuttawat Kalapat
，
นักวิทย์ นักวิจัย นักจิตวิทยา ว่าไงกับ อายุ 20-30 บ้างและทำไมเราต้องให้ความสำคัญ กับวัยนี้ เพราะอะไร ทำไมอายุ ที่มากกว่านี้ จึงไม่เหมือนวัยนี้ล่ะ。เล่มที่ 135/2021 （240）THE DEFINING DECADE ตลอดชีวิตจะดีหรือร้ายอยู่ที่ว่าคุณคิดอย่างไรในวัย 20ผู้เขียน : Meg Jayสำนักพิมพ์ : วีเลิร์น （WeLearn）หมวดหมู่ : จิตวิทยา การพัฒนาตัวเอง การพัฒนาตัวเอง how to。。หนังสือใช้วิธีเล่าผ่าน การรวบรวมเคสการปรึกษา ของ คนอายุ 20- 30 หลายๆคน ที่มาพบกับผู้เขียน ว่า มันมีปัญหาอะไรมั่ง สำหรับคนอเมริกันยุคนี้ไม่ได้พูดเรื่องวิท นักวิทย์ นักวิจัย นักจิตวิทยา ว่าไงกับ อายุ 20-30 บ้างและทำไมเราต้องให้ความสำคัญ กับวัยนี้ เพราะอะไร ทำไมอายุ ที่มากกว่านี้ จึงไม่เหมือนวัยนี้ล่ะ。เล่มที่ 135/2021 （240）THE DEFINING DECADE ตลอดชีวิตจะดีหรือร้ายอยู่ที่ว่าคุณคิดอย่างไรในวัย 20ผู้เขียน : Meg Jayสำนักพิมพ์ : วีเลิร์น （WeLearn）หมวดหมู่ : จิตวิทยา การพัฒนาตัวเอง การพัฒนาตัวเอง how to。。หนังสือใช้วิธีเล่าผ่าน การรวบรวมเคสการปรึกษา ของ คนอายุ 20- 30 หลายๆคน ที่มาพบกับผู้เขียน ว่า มันมีปัญหาอะไรมั่ง สำหรับคนอเมริกันยุคนี้ไม่ได้พูดเรื่องวิทย์เยอะ นะแต่มีบ้าง。ปัญหาที่เจอในเล่ม- ช่วงเวลา ที่ทุกคน จมอยู่กับงานที่ให้คุณค่าน้อย เช่น งานร้านกาแฟ starbucks แต่อย่าลืมว่า งานแบบนี้เป็นจุดเริ่มต้นที่ไม่เลวเพียงแต่ว่า หลายคนอาจมองว่ามันแปลกแยก และไม่ต้องใช้ความรู้- ปัญหาการเลือกงาน （paradox of choice） ไม่รู้จะทำอะไรดี- ปัญหาความรู้สึกที่ไล่ตามเพื่อนไม่ทัน ตามมาหลอกหลอน- ปัญหาความรัก ความสัมพันธ์ครอบครัว อันนี้ชอบประโยคนึงคมมาก you can't choose your family but you can choose your friendไป จนถึง การแต่งงาน อย่าร้างนู่น。。หลายปัญหาสำหรับผมมันจริงและตรงประเด็นนะ。ข้อแนะนำหลายข้อก็กระชับ ตรงไปตรงมา เช่น- ไปหางานที่มีศิษย์เก่า รร เดียวกัน - บอกตรงๆ ว่า ให้ใช้ connection หางานซะ- เลือกแฟนให้ดีโว้ยย8/10 มี mood ของการปรึกษา หาหมอนิดนึง + คำแนะนำสั้นๆ หลักฐาน support บ้าง 。。。more
Lauren Rosano
，
This book was worth the read， even as a 29 year old。 As Jay explains at the beginning of the book， the “defining decade” is flexible in that it may start at different points for different individuals， but it generally spans from early-mid 20s to early-mid 30s。 Ryan goes through major areas in a person’s life and describes different ways to effectively approach these areas for maximal outcomes。 She uses personal anecdotes from her clients as well as research to give fact-based but personally driv This book was worth the read， even as a 29 year old。 As Jay explains at the beginning of the book， the “defining decade” is flexible in that it may start at different points for different individuals， but it generally spans from early-mid 20s to early-mid 30s。 Ryan goes through major areas in a person’s life and describes different ways to effectively approach these areas for maximal outcomes。 She uses personal anecdotes from her clients as well as research to give fact-based but personally driven guidance。 Although I am not really floating through my 20s the way many of her clients are and felt the book mostly validated my experiences， it was interesting to hear about the research that goes into making certain recommendations， and it gave me food for thought regarding certain topics that have been back of mind。 Personally， I found this book to be eye opening and highly informative。5/5 stars。 。。。more
Emma Rappaport
，
*DNF*I have no idea why this book is so highly recommended， especially after reading reviews of it。I barely made it a chapter and a half without having a full blown anxiety attack。 I feel like any useful advice is already known and very streamlined in a way that makes it feel like this is the path everyone has to go down。 It doesn’t take the “I don’t know” into account and makes it seem like you need to know everything in your 20s to be successful later on。 I expected the opposite when reading t *DNF*I have no idea why this book is so highly recommended， especially after reading reviews of it。I barely made it a chapter and a half without having a full blown anxiety attack。 I feel like any useful advice is already known and very streamlined in a way that makes it feel like this is the path everyone has to go down。 It doesn’t take the “I don’t know” into account and makes it seem like you need to know everything in your 20s to be successful later on。 I expected the opposite when reading this book。Skip it， there’s better self help books out there。 。。。more
Eric Xia
，
The book is full of assumptions and the advice （which seems cliche） is based on said assumptions。
Max Berendsen
，
Review to follow。
April
，
If you are twenty-something， better to read now than ever。 Doctor Meg understands me better than my mom （I felt like）。
Eytan Deener-Agus
，
Ok， I’m ready for a review。 To put it bluntly， I think this book encapsulates what it means to be so uncritical as to not only tolerate but actually serve white supremacy culture。 I tried reading for tidbits of nice ideas， some of which I found in the pages， but overwhelmingly I found this book to be more problematic than illuminating。 While purporting to be a universal guide for twentysomethings， the premises of each example are built on traditionally white， straight， cis， upperclass conception Ok， I’m ready for a review。 To put it bluntly， I think this book encapsulates what it means to be so uncritical as to not only tolerate but actually serve white supremacy culture。 I tried reading for tidbits of nice ideas， some of which I found in the pages， but overwhelmingly I found this book to be more problematic than illuminating。 While purporting to be a universal guide for twentysomethings， the premises of each example are built on traditionally white， straight， cis， upperclass conceptions of success and the uncritical recommendations serve to uphold these structures。 For example， her charge to devalue “strong ties” （because you are likely exposed to all the same ideas and experiences as those you’re closest to） in place of valuing “weak ties” （because they grant you access to growth and opportunity） demonstrates a deep blind spot in her understanding of class stratification in America today。 Only those who are proximate to powerful or well connected “weak ties” might benefit from leveraging them， and to suggest that “close ties” are only valuable for emotional support misses the extent to which minority communities find safety and survival inside community。 The example she brings demonstrates the non-universality of this tip perfectly: sure， for the former frat brother who finds himself lost， pent up with his buddies wasting time， all he needs is to leverage his father’s friend to land a position at a startup he knowingly is unqualified for， which sets him up for his next step as a CIO somewhere else—but for anyone without access to powerful “weak ties，” tough luck。 Just how many elite private institutions in large part serve to educate and connect the next generation of well-to-dos to other elites （think massive recruiting for consulting and IB at Ivy League schools）， constantly leveraging powerful “weak ties” keeps power among the already powerful， which in our context are those that the cis， heteronormative， white supremacist culture works for。 I also found her arguments surrounding low-wage-paying jobs to be unsavory and judgment laden。 They fall flat in their lack of understanding that most people who work in the service industry are not doing such out of wanting to “pretend [they] aren’t working” or out of “lostness”， as she explicitly suggests， but as one of the few means of making ends meet。 Recommendations to always take jobs that appear more interesting and story worthy （what she calls “identity capital”） on a resume regardless of pay instead of settling for “underemployment” is only accessible to those with secure family safety nets。 She quotes research that says folks who are “underemployed” suffer from depression， lack of motivation， and heavy drinking—do you think this comes about simply from the decision to be “underemployed” or is it due to the challenging circumstances around ones life that forces someone into “underemployment”？ She puts the blame on the individual in a way that misses the broader circumstance completely。 Her views on relationships I found interesting yet flawed as well。 It might be the case that right now if you ask a handful of couples， most will suggest more “successful” marriages occur between people from the same socioeconomic background， as she quotes。 But the research is being done in the same population that upholds and maintains white supremacy culture—Americans。 In other words， just because marriages between people from the same socio-economic background has been easier in the past does not mean we should continue recommending them in the future because that is a part of what maintains socio-economic stratification。 Also， she acknowledges that between generations the divorce rate remain at 40% but instead of taking this to what I expect is the final conclusion that perhaps it’s the institution of marriage itself that is flawed， she settles with recommendations of certain psychological nudges one way or another。 Another example of trying to come up with bandaid solutions while missing the root causes of issues。 Perhaps I would be less cynical if she included an acknowledgement that this book was written to help the upper-class figure out their lives。 But her lack of diversity in examples and language， and uncritical recommendations demonstrate to me a fundamental lack of understanding of the underpinnings of American society。 This is the opposite of a root-cause analysis。 Sure， this book might help “lost” or “underemployed” well-to-do upperclass white people， but more important is that in the ways this book misses whole swaths of society， it ultimately serves to maintain white supremacy culture instead of critically examining why these things exist and pushing for what is right。 。。。more
Jack Mierl
，
Somehow it’s been on to read for a while。 Read the audiobook by the author。 Carries conventional wisdom that being intentional with your work and relationships carries success in your 30s。 Sheds light in an area of life I don’t hear much about。 The 20 something years。
Dávid Berei
，
Do things in time。
Diana Melstrad
，
I’d give this book a solid 3。5。 Love the message of the book and it’s overall push towards being intentional， that being said not every 20 something year old can afford to leave their “McJob” out of necessity。 Overall， I found the notion of identity capital captivating and liked the broad scope of topics covered。
Cherry
，
quick and easy read， learned some things from this one
Vivian
，
Written with the perspective that having a job and being married = successful life。 Interesting concept about identity capital。 Less thrilled about the concept of "dating down" and "urban tribe"。 Ultimately， I feel less anxious about my future， but because reading this book made me realize I don't want to be the target audience。 Written with the perspective that having a job and being married = successful life。 Interesting concept about identity capital。 Less thrilled about the concept of "dating down" and "urban tribe"。 Ultimately， I feel less anxious about my future， but because reading this book made me realize I don't want to be the target audience。 。。。more
paisley
，
thought it was okay and thought-provoking， but not necessarily for me。
Anjali
，
This was a quick， easy， interesting read that I found reassuring that I am probably making the right moves in life so far。 I highly recommend this for anyone in their twenties！
Gianni
，
Muy valioso para leer en nuestros 20s， me ayudó a cuestionar muchos temas que antes no me habia dado el tiempo de pensar。
Isabel Anderson
，
This book was very interesting and eye-opening。 As a young woman beginning 20s and feeling somewhat stuck in place （especially due to being home during college）， I heard about this book and decided it might be a good resource to get me motivated and inspired to see things differently。 The book was separated into different sections and featured subtopics within each， along with real narratives related to them。 Some of them were very helpful and inspiring to me- specifically， the work and mind sec This book was very interesting and eye-opening。 As a young woman beginning 20s and feeling somewhat stuck in place （especially due to being home during college）， I heard about this book and decided it might be a good resource to get me motivated and inspired to see things differently。 The book was separated into different sections and featured subtopics within each， along with real narratives related to them。 Some of them were very helpful and inspiring to me- specifically， the work and mind sections。 Although it may be daunting， I got excited for my future reading them。 Other sections， however， seemed a bit less inspiring and more confusing。 For example， the advice in the love chapter seemed almost contradictory to the previous sections， although it was still valuable information。 Overall， I'm glad I read it and would recommend it for certain parts like the career and brain sections。 。。。more
Jan S
，
The question list in it are especially valuable。
Durra Azlyana
，
This book touches on the fundamentals of transitioning and growing up to "adults"， Career， Personal Growth， Relationships etc。 It's a reflection and life lessons on Meg Jay's clients' dilemmas and experience， and I enjoy reading them。 Good read！ This book touches on the fundamentals of transitioning and growing up to "adults"， Career， Personal Growth， Relationships etc。 It's a reflection and life lessons on Meg Jay's clients' dilemmas and experience， and I enjoy reading them。 Good read！ 。。。more
Alysha
，
I wish I had come across this book sooner。 Although perhaps I would have scoffed at it and not taken it seriously if I were 20 years old。 Hindsight is 20/20， after all。 Dr。 Meg Jay illustrates common misconceptions about one's 20s in work， love， and the important changes still happening to our 20-something bodies and minds。 It's truly a wake up call， sans the empty platitudes。 There are so many things that society tells us about our 20s - that this is our last decade of fun and freedom， that our I wish I had come across this book sooner。 Although perhaps I would have scoffed at it and not taken it seriously if I were 20 years old。 Hindsight is 20/20， after all。 Dr。 Meg Jay illustrates common misconceptions about one's 20s in work， love， and the important changes still happening to our 20-something bodies and minds。 It's truly a wake up call， sans the empty platitudes。 There are so many things that society tells us about our 20s - that this is our last decade of fun and freedom， that our thirties are our new twenties， and so forth。 Dr。 Jay presents her advice alongside "interviews。" In each of these scenarios， I felt as though the advice had been crafted just for me。 It's somewhat comforting to know that other 20-somethings feel similarly， even a decade ago。 I recommend this book to all 20-somethings。 Especially if you are in your mid to late 20s and feel you cannot get proper guidance from your friends or family besides the reassurance that "things will work out。" While you've made it this far， time is not waiting for you to decide to partake in adulthood。 。。。more
Divya
，
Reclaim your twenties。
Miranda Dickson
，
the author did a great job of breaking down big picture issues into really manageable， practical bits; didn’t agree with everything but thought there were some great points made！
Yen Le
，
As a nearly-30， I would say the book fits my philosophy of creating my own living。 Career - love - body， all needs to be raised， they don't healthily grow up by magic。 My 20s has been full of ups and downs and I feel grateful for it， therefore I know the book's guidance works。 Follow it if you're still looking for something to do with your life， no matter you're 20s， 30s or whatever-ties。 As a nearly-30， I would say the book fits my philosophy of creating my own living。 Career - love - body， all needs to be raised， they don't healthily grow up by magic。 My 20s has been full of ups and downs and I feel grateful for it， therefore I know the book's guidance works。 Follow it if you're still looking for something to do with your life， no matter you're 20s， 30s or whatever-ties。 。。。more
Aaron Mohabbat
，