Fiction

Acts of Desperation

Acts of Desperation

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  • Create Date：2021-03-04 03:21:05
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
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  • Author：Megan Nolan
  • ISBN：1787332497
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Summary

Love was the final consolation， would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go， leaving nothing behind。 I thought of it as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it。 There was no religion in my life after early childhood， and a great faith in love was what I had cultivated instead。 Oh， don't laugh at me for this， for being a woman who says this to you。 I hear myself speak。

Even now， even after all that took place between us， I can still feel how moved I am by him。 Ciaran was that downy， darkening blond of a baby just leaving its infancy。 He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen。 None of it mattered in the end; what he looked like， who he was， the things he would do to me。 To make a beautiful man love and live with me had seemed-obviously， intuitively-the entire point of life。 My need was greater than reality， stronger than the truth， more savage than either of us would eventually bear。 How could it be true that a woman like me could need a man's love to feel like a person， to feel that I was worthy of life？ And what would happen when I finally wore him down and took it？

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Reviews

Stephen Holland ，

In Megan Nolan’s debut novel， Acts of Desperation， we get a glimpse into the interior romantic life of an unnamed narrator， her co-dependent relationship with a boy named Ciaran， and the consequences of obsessive love。Romantic attachments can be so frustratingly complicated。 Sometimes from the outside it is easy to look at a relationship and see everything that is wrong with it。 But just like the narrator’s friends in this book there is nothing you can do to stop it。 You can see from the outset In Megan Nolan’s debut novel， Acts of Desperation， we get a glimpse into the interior romantic life of an unnamed narrator， her co-dependent relationship with a boy named Ciaran， and the consequences of obsessive love。Romantic attachments can be so frustratingly complicated。 Sometimes from the outside it is easy to look at a relationship and see everything that is wrong with it。 But just like the narrator’s friends in this book there is nothing you can do to stop it。 You can see from the outset that the road she is walking down is paved with heartache and pain。 That this is going to end in disaster。 But unless you are the person in the relationship， you will never truly understand it。But that is what Nolan does with this novel， she makes us understand。 Told through first person we get to experience the anxieties， self-destructive tendencies， and hedonistic indulgences of a young girl in Dublin who craves validation from all the wrong places。From reading other reviews it seems that this book has tapped into particular about the female experience， that through Nolan’s prose she has brought to life something about the nature of being a woman。 But as a young man reading this novel， I still related far more to the protagonist than I did the cold ambivalent Ciaran， who I arguably have much more in common with。The desire to be loved， the wholehearted willingness to throw yourself into a relationship， and the slow and tortious tedium with which it all begins to fall apart is something many people can relate to。 While I am sure Nolan was not picturing me when she imagined her ideal reader， I still feel like I was able to relate to her protagonist in a real and meaningful way。 Through looking at the world through this character’s eyes I was able to learn more about what it feels like to be a woman and gain insight into what it must be like to have a woman’s body in this world。 A body which is simultaneously revered and vilified， a body that can be used to empower， or a body which can be exploited。Megan Nolan is getting compared to Sally Rooney a lot and I can see why。 They are both young Irish women writing about unhealthy romantic dynamics。 But Nolan’s book feels much more honest to me， like the raw emotions are coming straight from her heart onto the page。 The book is immensely readable， but also poetic and nuanced， with such universally relatable passages on the meaning of love and heartache。 I hope this is the dawning of a new voice in Irish literature because I look forward to continuing to read her work。 。。。more

Emily ，

Many thanks to Little， Brown and Company and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this advance copy。 This was a tough read for me as I have had a relationship very similar to the narrator’s one with Ciaran。 tThe novel focuses around an unnamed female and her relationship with a man， Ciaran， that is beyond toxic。 Throughout the novel， the narrator describes her past relationships， abuse， mental health struggles， addiction and more。 It draws parallels between her obsession with Ciaran and her ad Many thanks to Little， Brown and Company and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this advance copy。 This was a tough read for me as I have had a relationship very similar to the narrator’s one with Ciaran。 tThe novel focuses around an unnamed female and her relationship with a man， Ciaran， that is beyond toxic。 Throughout the novel， the narrator describes her past relationships， abuse， mental health struggles， addiction and more。 It draws parallels between her obsession with Ciaran and her addiction to alcohol and self-harm。 Through graphic description， the reader can almost feel what she was enduring throughout the work。 This will not be for everyone and can be very tough to read at times。 I look forward to more from Nolan！ 。。。more

Emily Horgan ，

It's rare I would sit down and 'devour' a book， but I can whole heartedly say I fell head first into this and didn't gasp for breath until the final page。 It's rare I would sit down and 'devour' a book， but I can whole heartedly say I fell head first into this and didn't gasp for breath until the final page。 。。。more

Hannah Birkett ，

4。5It is SO refreshing to read a story where the female protagonist isn't a heroin chic type "too skinny， eyes too big for my head， jutting out hip bones etc"。 I am so sick of reading books about manic pixie dream girls/ Effy Stonem types， who seems so elusive and products of the fictional world they inhabit。 There's nothing wrong with them it's just。。。。 so。。。 overdone？This was literally the first time I've ever read a book about a girl being described as chubby， where her weight plays a part in 4。5It is SO refreshing to read a story where the female protagonist isn't a heroin chic type "too skinny， eyes too big for my head， jutting out hip bones etc"。 I am so sick of reading books about manic pixie dream girls/ Effy Stonem types， who seems so elusive and products of the fictional world they inhabit。 There's nothing wrong with them it's just。。。。 so。。。 overdone？This was literally the first time I've ever read a book about a girl being described as chubby， where her weight plays a part in her experience， but it doesn't completely define her。 Her experiences mirrored so many of mine - ironically not the central plot point of the toxic relationship - but the subtleties of her age， her gender， her weight struggles， her relationship with her mother。 Idk I'm not eloquent and good with words but it was just really bloody cool to see myself represented in something for once and to not feel like an outsider in a world I'll never experience。 。。。more

Abriana ，

Acts of Desperation is a book about exactly that， several acts of desperation by way of our narrator to make others love her， to find a way to love herself， or to understand how love feels at all。 And， I ate this up。 I loved every minute of this。 I stretched out my reading of this so that there would be more minutes spent with it。 This book is emotional， it holds nothing back， and I felt deliciously violated by how much it saw through me and got to the root of all of these feelings of mine I’ve Acts of Desperation is a book about exactly that， several acts of desperation by way of our narrator to make others love her， to find a way to love herself， or to understand how love feels at all。 And， I ate this up。 I loved every minute of this。 I stretched out my reading of this so that there would be more minutes spent with it。 This book is emotional， it holds nothing back， and I felt deliciously violated by how much it saw through me and got to the root of all of these feelings of mine I’ve thought of as being so complicated， so shameful， that they could never be put into words。 But， this book showed me these thoughts can be put into words， and I am not alone in feeling them。 This is why we read， isn’t it？ I felt a great understanding with our protagonist。 While I don’t think this book will be for everyone， I just felt so utterly validated by it。 Our narrator is not likeable， she doesn’t make smart choices。 She is messy， she contradicts herself， she does things she knows she shouldn’t， but the way Nolan gives her these thought processes is so darn honest and recognizable。 So much of what she feels and the way she thinks about the world， reacts to others， the mistakes she makes over and over again feel so particular to the experience of being a young woman。 There is great tension in Nolan’s writing as well。 Even though the plot is pretty much handed to you before you even crack the spine， I never knew exactly what would happen next， what someone would say， how our narrator would take it， or what would be revealed to me as it was to her。 I felt one with our narrator， so much so that I almost craved the toxicity of her relationships the way she did， undeniably but with great shame。 I never felt bored， and often had to slow myself down while reading this in order to savor it even more。 But， I’ll say it again - this book definitely won’t be for everyone。 The depictions of abuse， self harm， violence in so many forms are all graphic。 Our narrator isn’t someone who is easy to love or root for。 Ultimately， this reads as a coming of age story without any lessons learned。 I can see how readers who rely on more overarching plots or an admiration for characters would be infuriated while reading a book where someone makes the same mistakes， only for the book to end in a quiet， unaltered， non-triumphant way。 This was just astoundingly good， though。 It felt like it was written for me。 If you’re someone who likes to meander in negative thoughts， to read about obsession， and jealousy， and the most selfish of our human tendencies， I think you’ll feel like this book was written just for you as well。 I am incredibly excited to see what Nolan writes next， and can’t wait to get my hands on a hard copy of this。 CW: eating disorders， alcoholism， drug use， self harm， cheating， emotional abuse， verbal abuse， domestic violence， sexual abuse Thank you NetGalley and Little， Brown and Company for an Advanced Reader Copy in exchange for review。 。。。more

Rebecca ，

“Love was the great consolation， would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go， leaving nothing behind。 I thought of it as the great leveller， as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it。”Just wow。 Acts of Desperation is going to be a really hard book to review， because my love for it feels so personal。 Our unnamed narrator recounts her clearly doomed from the start relationship with the beautiful & aloof Ciaran。 She is determined to shape herself into the kind of “Love was the great consolation， would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go， leaving nothing behind。 I thought of it as the great leveller， as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it。”Just wow。 Acts of Desperation is going to be a really hard book to review， because my love for it feels so personal。 Our unnamed narrator recounts her clearly doomed from the start relationship with the beautiful & aloof Ciaran。 She is determined to shape herself into the kind of person he might love， but their relationship grows more and more dysfunctional。 It’s dark and intensely painful to read in places， yet absolutely compelling。 I would suggest this for those who feel other millennial fiction （I’m not going to name drop the author many people are comparing this to） is too cool and ironic， because Megan Nolan’s narrator is anything but detached。 Even in the interspersed sections where the older narrator reflects on her past， emotion is always present， never florid but so true to life。 The writing is absolutely pitch perfect。 I first came across Nolan’s distinctive voice in a piece she was commissioned to write for Voices at the Table， about the food memories tied to a particular relationship （I really recommend listening to it on their podcast）。 She was so memorable that when I saw this on netgalley I knew I absolutely had to read it。 I definitely recommend trying some of Nolan’s essays （for the Spectator， the Guardian or Vice to name just a few， she’s bloody prolific） to see if you like her style， because I have a feeling it might be quite marmitey！Thank you to Jonathan Cape & Netgalley for the chance to read this。 It’s out March 4th & I can’t wait to buy a copy so I can underline half of it 😂 。。。more

Holly Edwards ，

painfully honest and incredibly relatablewould rate 4。5*

Debbie Hope ，

This was intense and a bit difficult to read， a woman's recounting of a toxic relationship。 Let's face it; many of us have been there。 Very few of us would truthfully recount what we've done in the name of love or for someone to stay。 This was intense and a bit difficult to read， a woman's recounting of a toxic relationship。 Let's face it; many of us have been there。 Very few of us would truthfully recount what we've done in the name of love or for someone to stay。 。。。more

Dani Scioscia ，

if you love sally rooney， you will love this！

Suchandrika ，

If you enjoy Megan Nolan's personal essays， then you'll love her debut novel。 It has that voice。 The book does feel very close to memoir。 The unnamed narrator， a young woman from Waterford， Ireland， recounts the story of a painful relationship at the remove of about six years and two thousand miles。 Our narrator suffers from bouts of depression， and a general self-loathing， that she feels only love can cure。 She delves back into her teenage years and analyses her early relationships， while unfol If you enjoy Megan Nolan's personal essays， then you'll love her debut novel。 It has that voice。 The book does feel very close to memoir。 The unnamed narrator， a young woman from Waterford， Ireland， recounts the story of a painful relationship at the remove of about six years and two thousand miles。 Our narrator suffers from bouts of depression， and a general self-loathing， that she feels only love can cure。 She delves back into her teenage years and analyses her early relationships， while unfolding the story of her doomed romance with the beautiful but cold Ciaran。 There's lots of truth about the power imbalances in heterosexual relationships between men and women， how we treat our friends differently when we find love and how our partner's past comes to feel like a thing we can - should - own。 Many scenes from the relationship feel raw， unprocessed and verge on becoming hard to read because they're so painful。 Alternating with scenes set years later， the narrator does sound different， calmer and more introspective。 A question mark remains over whether she has really changed， though。 The book ends a bit abruptly， but then maybe the narrator herself is not as removed from the past as she would like to think so？A compelling read， I inhaled it in a day and would read more about this main character！Many thanks to to Random House UK and NetGalley for the arc。 Acts of Desperation will be released on March 4th， 2021。 。。。more

Laura ，

"Acts of Desperation" is a very powerful read。 This book took me to a very personal dark place as it discusses modern（millennial） sex and relationships in a way that very few authors succeed。 I highly recommend this if you like writers like Sally Rooney， Ottessa Moshfegh， and Raven Leilani。The main narrative revolves around the unnamed female protagonist and her several year relationship with a man named Ciaran。 It is a very toxic relationship to say the least， but the inner monologue of the pro "Acts of Desperation" is a very powerful read。 This book took me to a very personal dark place as it discusses modern（millennial） sex and relationships in a way that very few authors succeed。 I highly recommend this if you like writers like Sally Rooney， Ottessa Moshfegh， and Raven Leilani。The main narrative revolves around the unnamed female protagonist and her several year relationship with a man named Ciaran。 It is a very toxic relationship to say the least， but the inner monologue of the protagonist resonates hauntingly describing her desperation for the relationship to be a success but also wanting the relationship to dissolve。 She's obsessed with Ciaran but also fears and despises him。 Throughout the course of the novel， the protagonist describes past relationships， sexual encounters， mental health issues， and friendship struggles。 This is definitely not a "feel good" read， and it cuts deep into you - especially if you've experienced anything similar to the desperation and mental state of the protagonist。However， it is lyrical， beautiful， haunting， spectacular， and poignant。 I highly recommend this literary gem， and I really look forward to what this author creates next。Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC for an honest review。 。。。more

Aoife McMenamin ，

There is nothing that I could call “enjoyable” about this debut by Irish author Megan Nolan， other than the writing。 It is a compelling read though， an overwhelming and frightening narrative of a toxic relationship and a woman in a spiral of self-destruction， and one of the most intense， visceral books I’ve ever read。 The unnamed narrator， a woman in her 20s living and working in Dublin， meets and falls head over heels in love with Ciaran。 Ciaran is aloof and self-centred， controlling and cold。 There is nothing that I could call “enjoyable” about this debut by Irish author Megan Nolan， other than the writing。 It is a compelling read though， an overwhelming and frightening narrative of a toxic relationship and a woman in a spiral of self-destruction， and one of the most intense， visceral books I’ve ever read。 The unnamed narrator， a woman in her 20s living and working in Dublin， meets and falls head over heels in love with Ciaran。 Ciaran is aloof and self-centred， controlling and cold。 The narrator， for all intents and purposes a functioning alcoholic who derives pleasure from being abused by men， is so deeply in love with Ciaran （or believes she is） that she is willing to do anything to prevent their toxic relationship from falling apart （hence the title which btw is perfect for the book - it reads a bit like a play I thought）。 Some of the narration takes place in Greece some years after the events， and these parts gave me a much needed reprieve from the unyielding discomfort I felt throughout most of the book。 I found it unrelenting， soul-baringly personal and deeply disturbing; it was almost more than I could handle at times。 The writing is sensational in parts （the beginning and climax in particular）。 At other times it’s a little underwhelming but never boring。 I find it hard to rate this one。 I didn’t enjoy it， but objectively speaking it’s an impressive piece of work。 4/5 ⭐️ *TW for physical abuse， graphic sexual violence， alcoholism， disordered eating， self-harm。 All the TW 😳😰。*This book will be published on 4 March 2021。 I read an advance copy courtesy of the publisher @Random HouseUK， @vintagebooks via @NetGalley。 As always this is an honest review。 。。。more

Lara Farrell ，

This is a stunning debut and Nolan is an excellent addition to the current crop of Irish female writers such as Sally Rooney， Naoise Dolan and Eimear McBride。 It recounts several years in the life of an unnamed narrator as she navigates her relationship with Ciaran， a cold and unfeeling man fleeing a break-up in Copenhagen and whom she is doing her best to will into loving her despite and then because of his limited interest in doing so。 This is one of the most accurate depictions of early twent This is a stunning debut and Nolan is an excellent addition to the current crop of Irish female writers such as Sally Rooney， Naoise Dolan and Eimear McBride。 It recounts several years in the life of an unnamed narrator as she navigates her relationship with Ciaran， a cold and unfeeling man fleeing a break-up in Copenhagen and whom she is doing her best to will into loving her despite and then because of his limited interest in doing so。 This is one of the most accurate depictions of early twenties aimlessness I’ve ever read and as a result it’s a fairly intense read （I binged it over one weekend and it might bear spacing out a little more）。 It’s ultimately hopeful though， with well-drawn characters and some delicious turns of phrase。 Without wishing to compare them， this novel deserves the hype that Luster has had recently and I highly recommend it。 Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC。 。。。more

Tobi Thomas ，

Took a while to get into this but once I did finished it in a couple of days。 This is a really honest portrayal of a woman in a toxic relationship。 The way writes about sex and neediness in particular is frank， and in a way that encapsulates thoughts about the matter we often don’t want to acknowledge or say aloud。 Really enjoyed this， although the intense first person narrative got overwhelming at times

Alex ，

One of the best debuts I have read in a long time。 A name to watch out for and definitely a book to read in 2021

Marta :} ，

Review to come。

Sandrine V ，

Acts of Desperation is the heartbreaking story of a twenty something woman and her controlling relationship。 She is a love addict trying to find self-worth in the gaze of others， which makes for a gut-wrenching novel。 It’s a poignant debut: brutal， poetic and impossible to put down。 Also described by others as ‘anti-romance’。 I can’t wait to see what the author writes next。

Sara M。 ，

Incredibly relatable， difficult and painful to read at times。

David ，

A deftly woven examination of desire。 The book is a skilled dissection of what it means to want， how we act when we think we're behaving as we ought and how we act out when those two strands come into conflict。 A visceral depiction of dependency， either on substances or affirmation or relationships that never sinks to cynicism。 Really exceptionally deeply realised， even the backstory has backstory。 For a book that includes a line similar to "i don't read theory， i do things" is a fantastic pulli A deftly woven examination of desire。 The book is a skilled dissection of what it means to want， how we act when we think we're behaving as we ought and how we act out when those two strands come into conflict。 A visceral depiction of dependency， either on substances or affirmation or relationships that never sinks to cynicism。 Really exceptionally deeply realised， even the backstory has backstory。 For a book that includes a line similar to "i don't read theory， i do things" is a fantastic pulling apart of desire， lack and the subconscious。 Early entry for my book of 2021， would have been my book of most previous years。 。。。more

Spadge Nunn ，

A painful， accurate and wonderfully written insight into the torturous nature of unreciprocated love。 At times I found myself physically shouting “no！！！！” at the pages， because it’s evidently much easier to see the mistakes of others from the outside。 But， in reality， I loved this book because it was hugely relatable - there have been many times in past relationships where I have become so obsessed with pleasing my partner， with feeling more pride in ‘winning’ in comparison to their former conqu A painful， accurate and wonderfully written insight into the torturous nature of unreciprocated love。 At times I found myself physically shouting “no！！！！” at the pages， because it’s evidently much easier to see the mistakes of others from the outside。 But， in reality， I loved this book because it was hugely relatable - there have been many times in past relationships where I have become so obsessed with pleasing my partner， with feeling more pride in ‘winning’ in comparison to their former conquests in some way， that you lose sight of who you really are。 Of course resentment soon grows when these obsessive efforts are not reciprocated， and you lose friends and family when you become a different person。 A lesson much easier to learn as an outsider looking in - and， luckily， this is a satisfying experience Nolan gives us too， when she reflects back at this past relationship。Before choosing this book， I read a review from a father of three girls and he described how painful it was to imagine his daughters feeling and behaving this way。 There’s a scene that I found particularly haunting when imagining this father reading the same story， where the main character succumbs to a friend pushing intercourse on her simply because it’s easier that way。 Every page is so raw， so honest， so heartbreaking and so real。 And I have a lot of respect for this author， because nobody really talks about these things。 It was equally wonderful to not feel like such an outsider。Favourite quote:I was happy to be nothing if nothing was what pleased him best。 If nothing was the least trouble， then I would be it， and gladly。 I would be completely blank and still if that was what worked， or as loud as he needed me to be to take up his silences。 I would be energetic and lively if he was bored， and when he tired of that， I would become as prosaic and dully useful as cutlery。Thank you to Random House UK and NetGalley for the arc。 Acts of Desperation will be released on March 4th， 2021。 。。。more

Violet ，

I've been following Megan Nolan for a while on Twitter and decided to read this advanced copy because I like her personality online and was intrigued by the book。Reading it brought me right back to my early twenties。。。 dating a guy who mistreated me but going back for more， because of 'Love' and because surely if a guy treats you badly， it must be your fault right？ I used to always go for the guys who were quiet， lonely， dismissive， didn't always give news。。。 because they were so mysterious。 A f I've been following Megan Nolan for a while on Twitter and decided to read this advanced copy because I like her personality online and was intrigued by the book。Reading it brought me right back to my early twenties。。。 dating a guy who mistreated me but going back for more， because of 'Love' and because surely if a guy treats you badly， it must be your fault right？ I used to always go for the guys who were quiet， lonely， dismissive， didn't always give news。。。 because they were so mysterious。 A friend helpfully pointed out that "maybe they don't say much because they have nothing interesting to say"。The narrator keeps going back to Ciaran， a Danish-Irish man who only recently moved to Ireland， an art critic who lives a simple， monastic life。 All of her friends dislike him - and they don't know the half of it。 She keeps questioning herself - is she mad， is she a terrible girlfriend， will she ever be good enough - and drinking， mostly alone。 I kept reading，， horrified， but also recognising many small cruelties I have either lived or seen inflicted upon my friends。 The book goes back and forth between 2012-2014， and 2019 - a summer in Greece - as the narrator reflects on the relationship。 Reading it made me feel incredibly sad， for the narrator， for myself， for all the girls and women who put up with abuse （psychological， physical or both）。 It made me remember the things we forget when we enter a normal， healthy relationship - that these men exist and that they live among us， oblivious to the damage they cause， feeling entitled to women's suffering and devotion。 It also made me feel grateful that there are more and more women who write and create art about it - when I was the narrator's age， I don't recall it being ever discussed - it was "boys being boys"。 That was ten years ago。 Beautifully written and insightful overall - even funny at times。 The secondary characters are interesting as well。 Really liked reading this。 Free ARC from Netgalley。 。。。more

Roman Clodia ，

She alone could see all the reservoirs of need that existed in me and would never stop spilling out， ruining all they touched， and she didn't hate me for them， but felt sorry for meMy， this is intense。 Nolan has written a book about lives which are messed up and complex， and has done it with empathy， smartness and no judgement。 Reading this makes me realise how one-dimensional if， nonetheless， important so many single-issue books are whether dealing with abusive relationships， self-harm， alc She alone could see all the reservoirs of need that existed in me and would never stop spilling out， ruining all they touched， and she didn't hate me for them， but felt sorry for meMy， this is intense。 Nolan has written a book about lives which are messed up and complex， and has done it with empathy， smartness and no judgement。 Reading this makes me realise how one-dimensional if， nonetheless， important so many single-issue books are whether dealing with abusive relationships， self-harm， alcoholism， body image or addiction。 Nolan's narrator suffers from them all， rolling them up into a single needy character who is， yet， seemingly functioning not unsuccessfully in her social world。 This is a beautifully nuanced book which avoids the obvious in lots of ways: abusive relationships might be about neither straightforward physical nor emotional abuse， and the lines between abused and abuser more wavery and involving more complicity than we might realise。 Both Ciaran and the narrator are troubled in their own ways and their relationship is as much one of co-dependency as it is of asymmetrical power hierarchies。 Along the way， there are moments of acute analysis on， for example， the extent to which the cover of 'art' may enable and legitimate misogynistic cruelty; or how concepts of 'female desire' might still be contaminated by， and be responses to， centuries of patriarchal authorship on 'what women want'; or how victimhood may be mobilised in varying ways。 But this kind of acute intellectual underpinning never swamps the story which is compulsively gripping throughout。 Not a book for anyone unprepared to be dealt disturbing and emotionally vexed material - but I found it bold， courageous and fluent。 Many thanks to Random House/Vintage for an ARC via NetGalley 。。。more

Shayla ，

TL;DR: It was good！ I liked it！ The ending of this one really cinched it for me-- that beautiful whisper of hope and change made the whole ordeal of a plot worth it。 The narrator （I'll call her N， since she isn't named in the book） falls in love with a man named Ciaran who is cold and emotionally abusive。 He's very clearly in love with another woman and he's so volatile， with these insane and unpredictable mood swings。 But he's beautiful， and something about him captivates N， and all she can thi TL;DR: It was good！ I liked it！ The ending of this one really cinched it for me-- that beautiful whisper of hope and change made the whole ordeal of a plot worth it。 The narrator （I'll call her N， since she isn't named in the book） falls in love with a man named Ciaran who is cold and emotionally abusive。 He's very clearly in love with another woman and he's so volatile， with these insane and unpredictable mood swings。 But he's beautiful， and something about him captivates N， and all she can think of is him and making him love her。 Some part of me had already decided to live for him and let him take over the great weight of myself。 N has clearly got some issues， which she happily admits。 She's basically an alcoholic， and she sleeps with a lot of random men。 It's not really because she wants to， but because when she is with a man， when she is being looked at or consumed by a man， she feels like her most real self （ick）。 N has no sense of Self， except when she is in love or having sex， so it makes sense that she allows herself to be treated terribly by men， allows them to do things to her that she doesn't want done， allows them to degrade her and treat her as something to be used for their pleasure and tossed away once they're tired of her。 The story follows N from the time she meets Ciaran and becomes obsessed with him to later events when， let's just say she gets a clue。 About 100 pages into this I considered DNF-ing because Ciaran breaks up with her and she reaches a fever pitch in terms of absolute pathetic-ness。 Might sound callous， but I couldn't stand the whining and self-pity。 Luckily that stopped pretty quickly and things got back on track。 I'm glad I kept going， because I think the writing in this book is pretty stellar。 I haaaaaate characters like N usually， I just can't stomach the weakness （from N: I understood fully that certain weaknesses in others are intolerable-- at least they are when you don't love them。 too true！）， but I actually was rooting for her and a lot of what she felt resonated deeply with me。 Even when she did things I couldn't fathom doing， I still felt like I understood her， and empathized， which isn't always the case。 There are two big things I really appreciated about this book-- First， that this is one of a few books I've read in the past year that centers around a really sort of fucked-up main female character in her 20s that actually sort of address the issue of a woman who wants to be hurt by men during sex。 I don't know how， but I keep accidentally picking up these books where inevitably a woman is being choked or slapped or something and enjoys it。 Yeah yeah kink exists， whatever。 But for all these characters it's something deeper than that， and it's CONSTANTLY glazed over。 I wondered how they always knew that I was someone to be hurt。 Even when I didn't tell them to， they knew somehow that there was a part of me that accepted or desired it。 But how was it that they knew？I mean the question is really why do men derive sexual pleasure from hurting women but that's a whole other conversation。Anyway， the second thing I really liked was the self-awareness in the book。 N is fully cognizant of how dramatic she is， she feels ridiculous when she looks out at the ocean in her misery， like she can see herself from the outside and imagine that she's in a movie。 （There's a lot in this book about that the way women are constantly observing themselves as though from someone else's eyes。 Male fantasies male fantasies you are your own voyeur Margaret Atwood yada yada yada。） She sort of revels in her misery and how deep and painful it is。 At one point someone calls her out on it， and it really clicked for me then that this book would be different from the others。This review is very long， but that's a positive thing because it means I just have so much to say about it the book。 I didn't love it-- there was really nothing particularly enjoyable about any of it， besides that the writing was good-- but I really appreciated what the author had to say and seeing some of my own thoughts and feelings about living in a world full of men made plain on the page。 I underlined so much。 It's a good one。 。。。more

Georgia ，

this book made me feel very sad and lonely。 four stars

Gumble's Yard ，

I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do， but instead do what I hate。 What an unhappy man I am。 Who will rescue me from this body that is taking me to death？ –Romans 7:15–25That night after meeting Ciaran I drank until I vomited and blood vessels beneath and above my eyes burst， and I traced them gently in the mirror， knowing they would be markers of a beginning。 Events that were objectively worse than what was to follow with Ciaran had taken place in my earlier a I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do， but instead do what I hate。 What an unhappy man I am。 Who will rescue me from this body that is taking me to death？ –Romans 7:15–25That night after meeting Ciaran I drank until I vomited and blood vessels beneath and above my eyes burst， and I traced them gently in the mirror， knowing they would be markers of a beginning。 Events that were objectively worse than what was to follow with Ciaran had taken place in my earlier adulthood， sordid checkpoints of the wounded woman。 I cannot speak about these things too soon because their names alone summon like a charm the disinterest of an enlightened reader。 Now included in the influential annual Observer first novelist article。 As well as reading literary fiction I am also a weekly reader of the UK political weekly “New Statesman”。 Until recently I also read “The Spectator” for balance – but a paper which employs as columnists Toby Young and James Delingpole and published Mary Wakefield’s infamous article on her husband’s apparently London based illness is currently unreadable。 One of the columnists in the New Statesman is Megan Nolan – who writes very engaging but also forthrightly honest fortnightly articles on her life， sex， relationships and （more recently） the impact of lockdown on a single person。 I was therefore intrigued to read this her first novel – one that is perhaps painfully unflinching rather than just forthrightly honest， in its portrayal of a toxic relationship and what drives a young woman to stay in it。 The author has written in the Guardian that she was inspired by reading the works of Karl Ove Knausgård – which she first came across in 2015 in an article by him that “Writing is a way of getting rid of shame” – which addressed her own struggles （pun intended） I had at that time begun to write essays， which I hoped were literary in style but which felt cripplingly， humiliatingly feminine in their subject matter – unlovely accounts of abortion and sexual jealousy， and the abjection of being a woman who desires men。 I was struggling towards something， an avoidance of villains and heroes， victors and losers， and a rejection of the idea that female pain was pretty or somehow inherently virtuous。 I had the feeling that there was something there worth striving toward， but the embarrassment and， yes， the shame， was holding me back。 She goes on to say how she read almost exclusively his “My Struggle” sextet when writing this novel， writing she started when living for a period in Greece “alone and in heartbreak， reflecting on the affairs of the last few years that had left me so totally ravaged。” and how The grandiosity of his project， its completism， provided me with much-needed permission to go into the emotional minutiae I find most interesting and yet have feared all my writing life is trivial， unintellectual and altogether too feminine。 It turned out I needed this great chronicler of masculinity to set me free。 The author I was most reminded of when reading this novel was actually Gwendoline Riley – although the narrator here （unlike I think in Riley’s books） is someone who genuinely loves the emotional affirmative properties and clear rules of love， and the physical affirmation of sex。The book is narrated in an intense first person voice by a young woman living in Ireland。 At the time single and outwardly hedonistic， she is inwardly and privately tortured – excessive drinking is the one thing that ties her life together。 The book starts in 2012 when she meets， and is immediately struck by， and quickly forms a volatile relationship with Ciaran （half Irish and half Danish）。 Ciaran is an art critic in Denmark， but during a spell in Ireland visiting his sick father， he writes reviews for a magazine while trying to compose his own essays。Ciaran is a distant person – he has lost his sense of taste and smell （in a childhood car accident – not COVID） and his resulting concentration om food as fuel seems to match his unengaged and detached attitude to much of his life， his emotional disengagement with the narrator （their relationship is very one-sided in this respect） and his disinterest in her friends – something which together with their clear distrust of his treatment of her， drives her apart from them。From there we are part of the narrator’s intense examination of the relationship – the ways in which she often abases herself （sometimes emotionally and sometimes literally and physically） to Ciaran when he either disapproves of her （her neediness， her past relationships， her drinking and general lack of looking after herself physically） or perhaps equally impactfully distances himself from her （again sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically during relationship breaks）。 We also get the story of her pre-Ciaran history – her vulnerability， other seemingly exploitative relationships， her drinking and self-harming。 The book is at times a very painful and draining read – like her friends the reader despairs of her not walking away from the repeating toxicity of the relationship – especially as Ciaran， for all his jealousy of the narrator， makes no pretence of the intensity of his relationship with a previous long term girlfriend Freja with whom he remains in almost constant contact。 Some of the sections are written a number of years later， by the narrator in Greece， reflecting on the relationship with some distance – and these both provide real deep insight but also I found respite for the reader from the intensity of the main narrative。 Overall I found it a difficult and painful read – perhaps even more so as the father of three near-teenage or teenage daughters。 Perhaps it was no surprise that the character that I identified with was the narrator’s Father （‘Everything’s OK，’ he said。 ‘And if it’s not， we’ll take care of it and then it will be。’） with perhaps the hope that my daughters will always be able to say I had so missed listening to him say this thing， this thing he had always said to me throughout my life， in a million different ways。 He had always said it， and I had always listened， always believed it， no matter how terrible the thing I was enduring。 My thanks to Random House UK， Jonathan Cape for an ARC via NetGalley。 。。。more

Sadhbh O'Sullivan ，

Reading this was one of those wonderful， revelatory experiences where you know you’re experiencing something truly special。 You just know this is going to be big。 It’s taut and self-reflexive and measured and chaotic。 Reading this narration is the closest I have felt to seeing parts of myself in modern fiction and being truly known。 Perhaps most amazingly given the sheer volume of stories about women who love men， this was the best window I’ve ever had as a lesbian into that framework of desire。 Reading this was one of those wonderful， revelatory experiences where you know you’re experiencing something truly special。 You just know this is going to be big。 It’s taut and self-reflexive and measured and chaotic。 Reading this narration is the closest I have felt to seeing parts of myself in modern fiction and being truly known。 Perhaps most amazingly given the sheer volume of stories about women who love men， this was the best window I’ve ever had as a lesbian into that framework of desire。 Nothing I’ve read has really caught all the messy grey areas I see in my friends’ experiences or the inherent contradictions that can rise from their desires and impulses。 It’s really， really fucking good。 。。。more

Caroline ，

I enjoyed this book， told in short， fragmented chapters that flit between the narrator's early 20s in Dublin and self-reflective journal entries written five years later in Greece。 The narrator's relationship with the cold， controlling Ciaran is examined in a charming， lively first person voice as her history with alcohol addiction and self-harm is slowly revealed。 These glimmers into her past provide context for her continual self-betrayal， and though it is never interrogated to the same degree I enjoyed this book， told in short， fragmented chapters that flit between the narrator's early 20s in Dublin and self-reflective journal entries written five years later in Greece。 The narrator's relationship with the cold， controlling Ciaran is examined in a charming， lively first person voice as her history with alcohol addiction and self-harm is slowly revealed。 These glimmers into her past provide context for her continual self-betrayal， and though it is never interrogated to the same degree as her love addiction， her relationship with drinking is in many ways the true romance of the book。 The later italicized sections provide commentary on women's sexual desires， and a layer of self-reflexivity that may help certain readers to understand her continual struggle for autonomy。 At times， especially early in the book， certain scenes of subjugation as are only hinted at， as when the narrator describes begging on her knees for Ciaran， and her internal landscape is sometimes hidden or glossed over in favour of intellectualizing her actions。 However， keeping her feelings below the surface in the earlier chapters does allow the narrative to build to a disturbing crescendo， and makes her ending all the more satisfying。 。。。more

b e a c h g o t h ，

BEST BOOK OF 2020， without a doubt。I feel。。。。attacked， like the author plunged into my mind， cracked the code on the safe of my deepest secrets and spread them out on ink and parchment。 Finally， I feel。。。 known。This。 Is。 A。 Motherfucking。 Masterpiece。 A female Brett Easton Ellis （I didn’t think this could ever exist？！？！？） All of the stars！ All of the awards！ Somebody nominate this for The Booker！ And Megan Nolan， please never ever stop writing， write books forever， because this？ This is your CAL BEST BOOK OF 2020， without a doubt。I feel。。。。attacked， like the author plunged into my mind， cracked the code on the safe of my deepest secrets and spread them out on ink and parchment。 Finally， I feel。。。 known。This。 Is。 A。 Motherfucking。 Masterpiece。 A female Brett Easton Ellis （I didn’t think this could ever exist？！？！？） All of the stars！ All of the awards！ Somebody nominate this for The Booker！ And Megan Nolan， please never ever stop writing， write books forever， because this？ This is your CALLING girl， this book is pure perfection。 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Acts of Desperation

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Acts of Desperation&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Acts of Desperation&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0