The Primal Wound: Understanding The Adopted Child
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- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Nancy Verrier
- ISBN：0963648004
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Summary
The Primal Wound is a seminal work which revolutionizes the way we think about adoption。 It describes and clarifies the effects of separating babies from their birth mothers as a primal loss which affects the relationships of the adopted person throughout life。。 It is a book about pre-and perinatal psychology， attachment， bonding， and loss。 It gives adoptees， whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood， validation for their feelings， as well as explanations for their behavior。 It lists the coping mechanisms which adoptees use to be able to attach and live in a family to whom they are not related and with whom they have no genetic cues。 It will contribute to the healing of all members of the adoption triad and will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned。。
Reviews
Kim
，
I will never negate that adoption involves trauma。 But this book， that is so often used as the "bible" for so many in the adoption world has outdated information and the information she actually uses has no actual studies backing the information， just her anecdotal evidence。 The biggest problem I have with this is that it portrays adopted children as "damaged goods"- that they come with trauma no matter what and that we cannot change it。 This book was written in 1993 and I think there is much be I will never negate that adoption involves trauma。 But this book， that is so often used as the "bible" for so many in the adoption world has outdated information and the information she actually uses has no actual studies backing the information， just her anecdotal evidence。 The biggest problem I have with this is that it portrays adopted children as "damaged goods"- that they come with trauma no matter what and that we cannot change it。 This book was written in 1993 and I think there is much better， updated information out there regarding adoption， especially now that open adoption is the norm。 。。。more
Tricia-Lee Neufeld
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The first half of the book was very affirming and tried to make simple the idea that adoption is trauma no matter the circumstances in both birth and adoptive families。 It was heavy at times to read about thoughts and feelings I had kept secret out of shame I was a weird， ungrateful adoptee。 The 2nd half was okay but I left thinking maybe I missed something or can't help myself from this wound。 It would have been nice to include an actual adoptee's voice in the latter half。 The first half of the book was very affirming and tried to make simple the idea that adoption is trauma no matter the circumstances in both birth and adoptive families。 It was heavy at times to read about thoughts and feelings I had kept secret out of shame I was a weird， ungrateful adoptee。 The 2nd half was okay but I left thinking maybe I missed something or can't help myself from this wound。 It would have been nice to include an actual adoptee's voice in the latter half。 。。。more
Erika
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This book was recommended to me years ago as my wife and I began our journey as adoptive parents。 I would add it to my list， then remove it， then add it again -- then remove it。 Finally， I picked it up because it became relevant in my work as a therapist。 I regret not reading it sooner。 This book helps make sense of so much of what adoptive parents experience and what they see their adopted children experience。 I'm embarrassed that I did not read it sooner; I think I was afraid to learn more abo This book was recommended to me years ago as my wife and I began our journey as adoptive parents。 I would add it to my list， then remove it， then add it again -- then remove it。 Finally， I picked it up because it became relevant in my work as a therapist。 I regret not reading it sooner。 This book helps make sense of so much of what adoptive parents experience and what they see their adopted children experience。 I'm embarrassed that I did not read it sooner; I think I was afraid to learn more about the depth of this primal wound experienced universally by adoptees。 This book， I think， should be handed out to prospective adoptive parents as they pursue their licenses。 If you are an adoptive parent and have not read this book， read it。 If you are an adult adoptee and you struggle in life with relationships， feeling worthy， fear of abandonment or any other major issues without understanding why， read it。 The only constructive criticism I will offer to the author is that an updated version is needed to incorporate the reality of and research supporting the efficacy of same-sex adoptive parents and other "non-traditional" family types， as the author's favoritism for the traditional， man-woman nuclear family is made clear throughout the book。 。。。more
Rae
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Ouch， my heart。 Must read for any member of the adoption triad， especially adoptees。
Allie
，
When it comes to adoption I have a lot of things I don’t understand。 I think I will re-read this book when I am older。 I don’t like how it was very textbookish。 That isn’t even a word I know。 However I was hoping to read more experiences of adoptees and how adoption has affected them and what has helped them。 Rather than doctors/psychologists spewing off information that I know they researched but I felt didn’t really correlate， for me personally。
Fleur Dick
，
I think there is definitely something in the “primal wound” of babies being separated from their birth mothers。 However， I was shocked at many of the statements made by the author。 This book is in dire need of an update to reflect current adoption processes and attitudes。 Times have changed a lot and this book is out of date。 Also， UK adoption is very different to the US， on which this book is based。 Very important to keep this in mind if you read this book。
Lauren Kester
，
3。5 starsI would definitely recommend this book to adoptees， adoptive parents， individuals interested in adoption。 It was a very insightful book。 I really appreciated how the author acknowledges everyone's struggles （the birth mother， adoptee， adoptive mother）。 When we take time to understand ourselves and others we can be more compassionate and can give us a better sense of how to interact/respond。 3。5 starsI would definitely recommend this book to adoptees， adoptive parents， individuals interested in adoption。 It was a very insightful book。 I really appreciated how the author acknowledges everyone's struggles （the birth mother， adoptee， adoptive mother）。 When we take time to understand ourselves and others we can be more compassionate and can give us a better sense of how to interact/respond。 。。。more
Luann Habecker
，
pg 13， 16， 20， 25， 28， 31， 33， 34， 49， 57， 80， 152， 154， 156， 157， 159， 161， 163， 164， 171， 172， 174， 177， 179， 181， 184， 185， 186， 187， 188， 191， 192， 194， 196， 206， 210，214-215， 217， 220，
Amerynth
，
Nancy Newton Verrier's book "The Primal Wound" is certainly a controversial book amongst adoptive parents and has long been on my to read list。 I actually agree with much of what Verrier has to say here -- though she has a very traditional view of gender roles and a few things that I don't completely agree with， especially in the conclusions she draws。Her central point， though， that children and their biological mother share a special and unique connection that begins in the womb that that child Nancy Newton Verrier's book "The Primal Wound" is certainly a controversial book amongst adoptive parents and has long been on my to read list。 I actually agree with much of what Verrier has to say here -- though she has a very traditional view of gender roles and a few things that I don't completely agree with， especially in the conclusions she draws。Her central point， though， that children and their biological mother share a special and unique connection that begins in the womb that that children who are removed from their mother's care suffer a lifelong wound that -- left unhealed -- is formative in their choices and behaviors is very sound。 She says that wound exists even if children don't have a conscious memory of being removed from their mothers and are placed in good adoptive homes， suffer from this wound。 Overall， I found the book to be interesting and a helpful way to take a look at the choices and behaviors of adopted children。 。。。more
Heather
，
As an adoptee， this book offered a lot of perspective and helped give me words to describe how I feel and have felt over the years。 This has a lot of food for thought for me to process。 I really thought this author tried to be as honest in their opinions and research as possible， and I appreciated this book so much！
Debbie
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Good read
Carly Palmer
，
this book is so helpful for anyone directly involved by the adoption process- birth mother， adoptive parents or adoptee。
An
，
Geschreven in 1993 en toen al zo veel wijsheid over wat het niet kennen van je biologische ouder（s） met je kan doen。 De parallellen tussen donorconceptie en adoptie zijn al lang niet meer op 1 hand te tellen。 Jazeker， er zijn ontegensprekelijk ook verschillen， maar óók zo veel gelijkenissen dat we er alleen maar samen uit kunnen leren。 Zo herkende ik zelf als donorkind heel veel in dit boek: de gevoelens waarmee ik worstelde toen ik opgroeide en nog niet wist dat ik een donorkind was， de gedacht Geschreven in 1993 en toen al zo veel wijsheid over wat het niet kennen van je biologische ouder（s） met je kan doen。 De parallellen tussen donorconceptie en adoptie zijn al lang niet meer op 1 hand te tellen。 Jazeker， er zijn ontegensprekelijk ook verschillen， maar óók zo veel gelijkenissen dat we er alleen maar samen uit kunnen leren。 Zo herkende ik zelf als donorkind heel veel in dit boek: de gevoelens waarmee ik worstelde toen ik opgroeide en nog niet wist dat ik een donorkind was， de gedachten toen ik wel wist dat mijn papa niet mijn biologische vader was， maar het raden had naar wie het dan wel was。 Ik probeerde toen iedereen ervan te overtuigen dat het gezin waarin ik opgroeide 'genoeg' was， tot ik besefte dat dat niet mijn stem was， maar die van anderen。 Ik herkende daarna ook de schuld die mensen je dan proberen aan te praten als je besluit het toch echt te willen weten， maar ook herkende ik de emotionele weg die ik bewandelde: de angst， het schuldgevoel， de schaamte， de woede， het verdriet en besef dat wij die 32 jaar nooit zullen kunnen inhalen， maar ook dankbaarheid dat ik hem nu wel ken en het gevoel dat ik nu -eindelijk- de controle heb over mijn eigen leven。 Ik zocht mijn vader omdat ik voelde dat dat voor mij belangrijk was。 Ik deed dat voor mijzelf。 De keuze die ik daarmee maakte is nooit een keuze tegen iemand anders geweest， maar enkel en alleen een keuze vóór mijn eigen leven。 Het kostte me een dik half jaar om dit boek uit te lezen omdat het gewoon soms te confronterend was， te hard binnenkwam， maar man wat is dit boek een gigantische aanrader！ 。。。more
Michelle Stoykova
，
This is an absolutely mandatory book for anyone who is: adopted， abandoned， orphaned， foster parents， adoption family， or people who work with such children and youth！
Susy
，
influential but unscientific book based on hunches and personal beliefs of the author， herself an adoptive mother of an adopted daughter。 Drawing on anecdotal evidence from her own ad-hoc sample of adoptees， the generalisations to the rest of the adoptee population is extremely misleading。The book is littered with far-reaching - and in my opinion ludicrous - claims such as: "。。。。The search for Self is a mission for many adoptees believe that their "baby soul" was annihilated upon separation from influential but unscientific book based on hunches and personal beliefs of the author， herself an adoptive mother of an adopted daughter。 Drawing on anecdotal evidence from her own ad-hoc sample of adoptees， the generalisations to the rest of the adoptee population is extremely misleading。The book is littered with far-reaching - and in my opinion ludicrous - claims such as: "。。。。The search for Self is a mission for many adoptees believe that their "baby soul" was annihilated upon separation from the original mother"。 As an adoptee myself， my "baby soul" was NOT annihilated at birth！！！！My struggles with identity and belonging are more to do with trying to fit into a family with a different temperament and energy than was natural to me， alongside other factors。 I agree that there is a degree of trauma associated with adoption， but saying it springs from separation from the birth mother is gross simplification and reeks of a political agenda- potentially right wing - which believes children should remain with their birth mothers （no mention of birth fathers or birth families） regardless。 This book hits a few notes but ended up annoying me more than anything。 It places too much emphasis on those 9 months in the womb。 There is more to life than that。 。。。more
Emily Brumwell
，
This is a must read book for any foster parent or adult working with children who have lost their ability to be with their birth mother。 It is imperative that people who are caring for a child in this circumstance understands the connection biology plays。
Liviana
，
I was recommended this book by a birth/biological mother。 We had an argument about the term 'birth/biological mother'。 She told me that term was dehumanizing and that she， a birth/biological mother should be called a 'mother'。 I'm an adoptee， an older one。 I actually have memories of my biological mother who kept me as long as she could and even wrote me a letter when she put me up for adoption。 I only spent three months in the orphanage。 My 'birth/biological mother' will always be birth mother。 I was recommended this book by a birth/biological mother。 We had an argument about the term 'birth/biological mother'。 She told me that term was dehumanizing and that she， a birth/biological mother should be called a 'mother'。 I'm an adoptee， an older one。 I actually have memories of my biological mother who kept me as long as she could and even wrote me a letter when she put me up for adoption。 I only spent three months in the orphanage。 My 'birth/biological mother' will always be birth mother。 My adoptive mother will always be my mother。 To insist that a birth/biological mother will be a mother to the child they gave up is insulting to the adoptive parents and child。 This book is very offensive to adoptees and adoptive mothers。 It's biased towards the birth mother。 Not everything is about the birth mother！ If a birth mother wants to make herself feel better about giving their child up for adoption。 Go read this。 Giving up a child is a hard choice even even if it isn’t what the birth m they wants。 It’s a decision one has to live with and accept。 Everyone has childhood wounds and it's not just exclusive to the adoptees。 Another reviewer stated it quite well: A perfectly accurate one-sentence review of this book would be， "When the only tool you have is a hammer， it's amazing how much every problem starts to resemble a nail。" According to Ms。 Verrier， the initial separation of the adoptee from the birth mother creates a deep-seated trauma which will continue to affect every aspect of the adoptee's life -- even though he or she may have been only a day or two old at the time。 Every single psychological issue which surfaces in an adoptee's life can be traced back to that one seminal event。She was losing me already， as some of the issues she seems to think are universal don't affect me at all， and others which do clearly stem from different， far more proximate causes。 But then she hit the Big No-No， the one thing which moved this from "annoying pop psychology" into "dangerous misinformation"。 ANY ADOPTEE WHO DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HOW DEEPLY THIS TRAGEDY HAS AFFECTED HIM OR HER IS "IN DENIAL"。I use to go to an adoptee camp。 What I've learned is everyone's feelings about adoption is different。 No one's personally adoption experience no matter how similar to another's will be the same。 。。。more
EagleRose
，
This book can be summarized into a very short paragraph but it is still a very important concept that is often missed in our society。 Basically， we bond for 9 months with the woman who carries us and anything that interrupts that bond （adoption， NICU， busyness， daycare） can cause grieving in the infant that doesn't go away as they get older。 Recognizing that can help an adult know how to reach a child/teen。 This book can be summarized into a very short paragraph but it is still a very important concept that is often missed in our society。 Basically， we bond for 9 months with the woman who carries us and anything that interrupts that bond （adoption， NICU， busyness， daycare） can cause grieving in the infant that doesn't go away as they get older。 Recognizing that can help an adult know how to reach a child/teen。 。。。more
Aashu Aggarwal
，
somewhat a scary book for PAP。。 But it articulates beautifully that adoption is no similar to having a biological child。There are definitely more learnings to understand a child who once shared umbilical chord with another person than whom he calls mom。 very informative！
Geraldine
，
Very applicable to my life story。 Can finally understand what makes me tick
Maggie Jernigan
，
Every adoptee and adoptive parent should read this。 It explains so much of the adoptees behaviors to their adoptive parents and is validating for the adoptee。 I couldn’t put it down。
Deborah Watring-Ellis
，
If you are a member of the adoptee triade - or care about someone who is， read this book。 It helped me to understand many things that have perplexed me for years。 The premise is well researched and supported and the story is told through personal stories with caring and compassion。 Highly recommended。
Danielle
，
Please read this if you are thinking of adopting
Linda Watt
，
If you are part of the adoption triad or working in trauma， or planning to adopt or foster this should be a must read。 Adoption is trauma。 The bond between baby and child will always be there and has to be grieved。
Panda Incognito
，
I would like to slap two stars on this book and move on， but it is too problematic for me to leave it with a negative rating and no explanation。 This book has lots of issues with its methodology and overall assumptions， and it includes the most disturbing take on abortion that I have ever encountered in my life。THE GOODAccording to this book's thesis， children who are adopted at birth or during their first three years of their lives experience a "primal wound" from the disrupted bond with their I would like to slap two stars on this book and move on， but it is too problematic for me to leave it with a negative rating and no explanation。 This book has lots of issues with its methodology and overall assumptions， and it includes the most disturbing take on abortion that I have ever encountered in my life。THE GOODAccording to this book's thesis， children who are adopted at birth or during their first three years of their lives experience a "primal wound" from the disrupted bond with their biological mothers。 Although many people assume that babies are not affected by adoption because they are too young to remember their biological mothers， science regarding prenatal bonding shows that mothers and babies establish deep connections to each other prior to the birth experience。 The prenatal bond and hormonal changes that biological mothers experience prepare them for motherhood， and women become psychologically attuned to care for their particular baby。 Therapist Nancy Verrier explains that even though adoptive mothers can bond with their children and have wonderful relationships with them， it will not be the same， and it is dangerous for them to assume that the substitution will not impact the baby they have adopted。 （In a later chapter， she also applies this concept to the issue of surrogacy， insisting that severing a child's prenatal bond with a surrogate mother will create the same primal wound that adopted children experience， even if the child has the genetic material of both its parents。） Throughout this book， she validates adoptee's common longings for and fantasies about birthmothers， saying that even though many therapists act as if these thoughts and desires are pathological， they are natural and inevitable。Verrier is both a clinician and an adoptive mother， and this book addresses common identity issues， interpersonal struggles， and attachment problems that frequently arise within adoptive families。 Much of this material rings true to what I know from loved one’s stories and other reading， but she has an especially helpful perspective on this because of her thesis that the primal wound impacts later problems。 She explains that even though parents and therapists often believe that adoptees create these problems in their own minds， they were there for the transfer between mothers。 Abandonment is not just a concept to them， but an experience。 Even though an adoptee may have a wonderful connection with their adoptive family， the trauma of mother-loss is still hardwired into their psyche。 This author writes with sensitivity towards adoptees， adoptive parents， and birthmothers， and she does not blame any of these parties for the problems that adoptive children frequently experience。 She insists that the primal wound is always there， regardless of specific circumstances within the family， and that it is natural for adoptees to fear a second abandonment and to feel victimized or manipulated， even if they have loving parents。 The only blame she casts is towards society in general， for ignoring the true consequences of relinquishment by telling birthmothers that they'll get over it and telling adoptive parents that their child won't have problems as long as they are loving enough。She reiterates multiple times throughout the book that adoption is still the best alternative for children whose parents cannot care for them， but she insists that it is first and foremost a solution for children who need families， not for couples who want children。 She says that couples need to work through their own grief and loss， accept adopted children as they are， and prepare themselves for the complications of being an adoptive family， instead of imposing their own dreams and desires on the child。Verrier also provides suggestions for personal healing and development。 Unlike many other clinicians， she does not enshrine therapy as the most important resource， and includes practical ideas for how adoptees and parents without the time， money， or inclination to engage in therapy can learn to manage difficult emotions and relationships。 I especially appreciate her constant refrain that even though people cannot choose their feelings， they CAN choose their behavior。 She also holds parents to a high standard for how they act， without blaming them for their child’s problems。 THE BADFirstly， the author’s outdated Jungian psychology tends to undermine， not support， her otherwise science-based idea of the primal wound。 Secondly， she provides no information about how she conducted her research， aside from mentioning conversations with her daughter， her patients， and adoptees who responded to an advertisement in the newspaper。 She does not provide any numbers， statistics， or qualifying information about that study， and refers to “most adoptees" without grounding her findings in unbiased， scientific fact。 I'm all for qualitative research， but it needs to be controlled enough to provide a representative look into a subject。 In this case， she generalizes her findings about adoptees' struggles and problematic family situations without differentiating people who have sought clinical help from the total population of adoptive families。This book also focuses too much on children who are adopted just shortly after birth。 Even though Verrier includes a chapter on the dynamics of adopting older children and abuse victims， she never makes it clear if these children are spared the primal wound of postnatal abandonment despite the trauma of later separation。 I appreciate her effort to include dynamics related to older adoptees， but she fails to meaningfully differentiate the psychological implications of adoption for older children。Another problem with this book is Verrier's assumption that reunion with a birthmother is always necessary or desirable。 She paints an honest picture of the emotional and psychological complications of reunion， but she over-hypes it as a transformative experience without acknowledging that it may be unwise in some cases。 Also， she provides no guidance for people whose birthmothers are unavailable or deceased， and equates birthmothers to single mothers without ever mentioning couples or families who relinquish children。 She also fails to acknowledge the profound complications for international adoptees who cannot connect with their birth families or even speak their language。 AND IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWNThe final issue that I have with this book， and the reason why I am putting it in a box of trade-ins， is its disturbing view of abortion。 I knew from reading Goodreads reviews that this book accepted this issue as a paradox and did not communicate a strong view for or against it， but I was completely unprepared for what this would look like in practice。 The author acknowledges that abortion kills a living human being who is biologically distinct from its mother， is simply at an early stage of development， and can feel pain， but she still thinks that ending this life is a matter of personal choice。 This is wildly inconsistent with everything else that she has written throughout the whole book。 This entire book is about caring for children， protecting them， being sensitive to their needs， and bringing justice to them even at personal cost。 In fact， she even urges mothers to stay home with their children for the first three years， saying that although this comes at tremendous cost for career-driven women， it is essential to developing a secure attachment and avoiding creating a primal wound through a less dramatic form of abandonment。 She insists that people have such a great responsibility to their biological or adopted children that they should always sacrifice for the child's greater good， but as long as that child is still located in utero， she thinks that murdering it is just a matter of personal choice。 How does this make sense？ I expected her to downplay the baby's humanity， make a personhood argument， or focus on female empowerment， but no， she doesn't even attempt to dodge or justify the issue。 We're supposed to just accept "paradox。" Well， then！ Why don't we accept the paradox of mothers abusing their babies？ Or， why couldn't an overwhelmed mother of a toddler kill it？ After all， just like the fetus， a toddler is also a human being who is alive， biologically distinct， and in an early stage of development。 If none of those attributes are enough to protect the fetus， then why does the toddler have human rights？She criticizes pro-choice people for making it sound like abortion is just a routine operation like appendix removal， and she criticizes pro-life people for hyping up adoption without a real sense of the emotional distress it can cause。 These are both valid criticisms， but she somehow thinks that it is better for a child to be killed than for it to experience emotional distress。However， she doesn't really think this。 In a later paragraph， she notes that when adoptees are reunited with their birthmothers， they often ask if she considered aborting them and always want the answer to be no。 She never uses the terminology of survivor's guilt， but writes that almost every adoptee who has spoken to her has expressed gratitude that their mothers did not get an abortion。 She concludes， "They may have problems， but they have life。"This section is full of extreme ideological whiplash。 In one paragraph， she says that the issue of abortion has no right answer， but she opens the next paragraph by saying， "The belief that the being within the pregnant woman is， indeed， human life from the moment of conception has less to do with religion than with logic。 What can the organism be if it is not a human being in its earliest stage of development？" She goes on to explain that the "zygote/fetus is a separate entity which is attached to the woman's body， but is not part of her body。" Then， in a total non sequitur， she concludes that this means that women should make an informed choice by recognizing the impact of their decisions。Okay。 Got it。 Should a woman kill her toddler after recognizing the impact of her decision？ Is it okay for someone to recognize the impact of their decision and then abandon their child on the side of the road？ This logic does not generalize to any other situation that a parent could face。 Doing something that is morally wrong does not become acceptable just because you took the decision seriously and thought about the affect it would have。While this author happily embraces paradox because it's convenient and won't garner major criticism， I am just dumbfounded。 She made no attempt to provide any ethical or even emotional justification for abortion。 She just thinks that we should accept it because it's socially normal， and because carrying a child to term and parenting or relinquishing is a challenging experience。 But， you know， raising a child is always difficult， and if you’re not allowed to end a baby’s， child’s， or teenager’s life later down the line， then why is it okay to kill them while they are in the womb？ She provides no justification whatsoever for why this is different。 She even talks about fetal pain sensitivity this without backing down from her irrational love of paradox， saying that "the least we can do is to anesthetize those involved in the abortion process and recognize the fetus as a human being whose feelings need to be honored。"GOOD LORD。 We'll deny you your basic human rights， but we'll honor your "feelings" as we kill you。 Aren't you glad to have briefly existed in such an enlightened society？Honestly， this view is even more disturbing to me than Peter Singer’s。 He argues that because developing children lack higher cognitive development， it is just as ethically permissible to kill an infant or toddler as it is to abort a fetus。 This is abhorrent， but at least he can argue his position and remain logically consistent。 Nancy Verrier over here thinks that children of all ages are deserving of the greatest sacrifice and protection， unless they’re in the womb， in which case they are completely disposable。For the most part， this book was a mixed bag， but this was the point where I was like， “Well， I guess I’ll be getting rid of this and will feel nauseated every time I think about it from here on out。” I have listened to so many pro-choice arguments， ranging from the inane to the deeply philosophical， but this is not even an argument。 This is just the radical embrace of cognitive dissonance for the sake of comfort and convenience， and it goes against every value that the author had espoused up to this point。 Her whole thesis is that babies have deep， active prenatal bonds with their mothers， are aware of their experiences， and are devastated when their mothers pass them off to strangers， but even though she treats this topic with the utmost seriousness， she thinks that it's okay to dismember unborn babies and throw them out with the trash。At the end of the chapter， she says that we have to acknowledge “painful truths。” She writes， “It is easier to believe that fetuses are not really human beings than to go through the conscious choice of ending a life，” but under what other circumstances is it okay to consciously end the life of another human being？ Where is the ethical justification for this？ What differentiates the freedom to destroy your fetus over the legal， social， and moral necessity to love， protect， and provide for your toddler？ Now， let me quote the final words of this book: “I’ve always wished that Moses had remained on Mt。 Sinai a little longer and that God had given him an eleventh commandment: honor thy children。 Oh， what a different world it might be…”WELL， then！ I was going to argue this based on logic alone， but since she brought up biblical ethics， I’ll point out that the sixth commandment is “do not murder。” Why long for an eleventh commandment if you’re not even ready to keep that one？ I agree that women need access to a full range of counseling services when they are faced with crisis pregnancies， and I understand why many people are pro-choice and why many women choose abortion， but even though it is important for people to be gracious， provide support， and treat women with dignity no matter what they choose， the idea that someone should acknowledge that abortion kills a human being and then choose it anyway is abhorrent。 This author's focus on children's well-being completely collapses in a single chapter， because in her unwillingness to acknowledge that unborn human babies should have human rights， she isn't honoring an existing paradox。 Instead， she is embracing the kind of moral relativism， wild irrationality， and irresponsible and destructive impulse that she would denounce in any other parenting context or stage of a child's life。 。。。more
Joy
，
I can't even be a good adoptee。This is like the adoptee's bible。 It's one of the most recommended books in the groups I belong to。 Some of it rang true。 But it rang true like horoscopes ring true。Then Ms Verrier wrote that under hypnosis that people remember attempted abortions upon them。 She wrote this at the very end of the book。。。 And all that came before fell like a demolished building。 I can't even be a good adoptee。This is like the adoptee's bible。 It's one of the most recommended books in the groups I belong to。 Some of it rang true。 But it rang true like horoscopes ring true。Then Ms Verrier wrote that under hypnosis that people remember attempted abortions upon them。 She wrote this at the very end of the book。。。 And all that came before fell like a demolished building。 。。。more
Catherine
，
Although this book made me cry， it really was instrumental in my ongoing reunion with my daughter。 It really defines how adopted children think and feel。 I am able to step back and not overwhelm her with my feelings。 I recommend this book to everyone in the adoption triad especially people looking to adopt and birthparents in reunion。 You will have a completely
Maggie
，
A book everyone should read before adopting。Truly important book。 There was a bit of old fashioned thinking though。
SirClive
，
I struggled with how inaccessible this book is。 Read more like a university thesis than practical advice for laymen。
Danielle
，