Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
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- Create Date：2021-04-18 11:52:47
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Emily Nagoski
- ISBN：1982165316
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Summary
A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski’s game-changing New York Times bestseller Come As You Are， featuring new information and research on mindfulness， desire， and pleasure that will radically transform your sex life。
For much of the 20th and 21st centuries， women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science， studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart。
That is， until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are， which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them。 In the years since the book’s initial publication， countless women have learned through Nagoski’s accessible and informative guide that things like stress， mood， trust， and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it—and that even if you don’t always feel like it， you are already sexually whole by just being yourself。 This revised and updated edition continues that mission with new information and advanced research， demystifying and decoding the science of sex so that everyone can create a better sex life and discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible。
For much of the 20th and 21st centuries， women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science， studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart。
That is， until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are， which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them。 In the years since the book’s initial publication， countless women have learned through Nagoski’s accessible and informative guide that things like stress， mood， trust， and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it—and that even if you don’t always feel like it， you are already sexually whole by just being yourself。 This revised and updated edition continues that mission with new information and advanced research， demystifying and decoding the science of sex so that everyone can create a better sex life and discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible。
Reviews
Deb
，
I think I had the wrong expectations for this book - it was way too conversational with way too many mixed metaphors and not enough detail when she went into the science， which is what I was hoping for。 I also think she wrote it like a series of lessons， including objectives at the beginning and summaries at the end of each chapter， and direct references to other chapters when referencing previously discussed concepts。 That said， it got to be a little too much （"read about what happened next in I think I had the wrong expectations for this book - it was way too conversational with way too many mixed metaphors and not enough detail when she went into the science， which is what I was hoping for。 I also think she wrote it like a series of lessons， including objectives at the beginning and summaries at the end of each chapter， and direct references to other chapters when referencing previously discussed concepts。 That said， it got to be a little too much （"read about what happened next in chapter 4。。。"）。 The book would probably be about 50 pages shorter if she cut out the "I'm about to tell you about ___" which happened multiple times per chapter。 Some good info in the book， sure， but she needed a meaner editor。 。。。more
Ceci Díaz
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A lot of very usefull info， a bit too cheesy for me tho
Anna Thill
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Can’t believe all the shit messages women/girls get told about themselves！ Fuck the patriarchy！
Sophie
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The actual content and information in this book was amazing， the only reason I gave 4 stars instead of 5 is because the writing style could come across as condescending at times and towards the end of the audiobook they had long sections where piano was playing in the background and it was quite distracting。 Other then that it was a fantastic book and I’ll definitely be recommending it to others！
Bridgette Hayes
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I wish I had read this book back in eigth grade when I was first taught sex education in school。 Unfortunately， I， like many women， was taught the dangerous rhetoric of purity culture - my Catholic upbringing valued my chastity over the knowledge of my own body。 The problem， Nagoski notes， is that "we've been taught to think about sex in terms of behavior rather than in terms of biological， psychological， and social processes underlying the behavior。" Only 30% of women experience orgasm during i I wish I had read this book back in eigth grade when I was first taught sex education in school。 Unfortunately， I， like many women， was taught the dangerous rhetoric of purity culture - my Catholic upbringing valued my chastity over the knowledge of my own body。 The problem， Nagoski notes， is that "we've been taught to think about sex in terms of behavior rather than in terms of biological， psychological， and social processes underlying the behavior。" Only 30% of women experience orgasm during intercourse - and that is totally normal。 However， it may be that many women can't achieve orgasm because they don't know the physiology of our bodies or the concomitant relationship between female orgasm and the brain。I love that Nagoski emphasizes normalizing the diversity of our bodies， our genitalia， and our individual sexualities。 （Not all sex is like what you see in porn！） I also appreciate that， in the introduction， Nagoski acknowledges that her book only touches on the experiences of people who were born in female bodies and raised as girls。 She notes that there is too little research on the sexality of trans and gender queer people to be included in this study。 That is research that needs to be advocated for！And I learned something new - it's called "arousal non-concordance" and happens when female genitalia might give off the indicators of sexual arrousal （e。g。， getting wet） but does not necessarily mean that she is aroused。 （This likewise happens when a man gets hard but is not turned on）。 Nagoski writes that just because our bodies are expecting a sex act does not mean that we are aroused or that it is consensual （and here she discusses rape culture and the pernicious ideology that if a woman is wet that means she wants to be penetrated）。 This is a well-researched， feminist book that emphasizes body-positivity and normalizing our unique sexuality， and I highly recommend it to those who identify as cisgender - especially for men！ Guys， if you want to give your lady pleasure， then you need to make sure she's relaxed and in the right state of mind - stress is the killer of female arousal （and past sexual trauma is even more difficult to overcome）。I'll finish this review with a quote from Nagoski。 She writes， "I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies。 Where women are objects of sexual desire， but not subjects of sexual pleasure。 Where sex is used as a weapon against women， and where women believe their bodies are broken simply because those bodies are not male。 And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy。"***Also read Naomi Wolf's book Vagina。 。。。more
LaTisha B。
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It was entertaining and educational。。。I enjoyed it！
Kristina Webb
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Was a bit dense
Katy Noyes
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Transformative and educational。This makes some aspects of sex research seem so obvious。 The best of them do。 I listened along， thinking: "oh yeah！" and "why didn't I see it that way before？"I've already recommended this to a couple of friends （one single， one in a loving relationship）， both of whom I think will find it interesting as men to consider from a new perspective。This is an updated version of a previously released book about desire， normality in sex and in how the brain and sex organs i Transformative and educational。This makes some aspects of sex research seem so obvious。 The best of them do。 I listened along， thinking: "oh yeah！" and "why didn't I see it that way before？"I've already recommended this to a couple of friends （one single， one in a loving relationship）， both of whom I think will find it interesting as men to consider from a new perspective。This is an updated version of a previously released book about desire， normality in sex and in how the brain and sex organs interact in our experiences of pleasure。 Having only listened to the updated version， I cannot comment on the updates， but did find it inclusive of those outside of binary categories of gender， and also aware of its shortcomings in terms of research。It's absolutely fascinating。 And certainly made me ponder my own history， current position， future wants and attitudes。 There are a lot of simple quotable lines that Nagoski refers to regularly， she reassures and explains the range of normality we all encompass。 She manages to explain how a lot of problems many readers experience have arisen。 And uses examples of 'women' in relationships （composites of a number she has worked with） to exemplify a few key 'types' that demonstrate various points she makes。While I've never felt other than existing somewhere along the range of 'normal'， this did tick a few boxes and hit a nerve several times when I recognised behaviours， situations and experiences that fit me。 Listening to explanations did clear a few things up and make me look at myself and my own body and desires with clearer vision and certainly a lot more kindness， not to mention confidence to express myself。One for women to read to get to know themselves。 One for men to read to get to know the women around them and how they can both differ and communicate those differences， then work to find common ground。This does not become overly scientific or technical， but does use terminology。 Loved the Too Long: Didn't Read （TL: DR） at the end of each chapter， great summaries that did remind me of key points。The book translates perfectly to audiobook format， and with the addition of the attached pdf （accessible through the Audible menu on the app）， gives plenty of material for mulling over， for testing yourself and to return to for future consideration。 The author makes an expressive and empathic narrator， and covers her material passionately。 It was easy to keep up with her， and she communicates with verve。This has already inspired me a little， in seeing myself， my mind and body in a slightly different way。 And appreciating how it all got where it is。 With thanks to Nudge Books for providing a sample Audible copy 。。。more
Alex Anderson
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I read this as part of a book club， with the book suggested by a man who said it was required reading and he learned a lot about female sexuality from it。 As a woman， I personally did not find a lot of the information revolutionary。 My main issue with the text is the writing style。 The author relies almost exclusively on metaphors which was extremely distracting and hard to follow。 I think the message would have been much more effective if she had simply stuck to the facts and presented examples I read this as part of a book club， with the book suggested by a man who said it was required reading and he learned a lot about female sexuality from it。 As a woman， I personally did not find a lot of the information revolutionary。 My main issue with the text is the writing style。 The author relies almost exclusively on metaphors which was extremely distracting and hard to follow。 I think the message would have been much more effective if she had simply stuck to the facts and presented examples， as her vignettes about various women she’d counseled were my favorite part of the book。 I will certainly agree that men may have a lot to learn from this book， but I myself wasn’t entirely enthralled。 。。。more
Florina Prd
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This is a must-read！"Nu contează cum vă simțiți。 Contează cum vă simțiți față de cum vă simțiți！" This is a must-read！"Nu contează cum vă simțiți。 Contează cum vă simțiți față de cum vă simțiți！" 。。。more
Evelyn Amaral Garcia
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Even if I expected much more scientific facts， I loved how the author helps to reframe what sex shouldn't be （dirty， violent， one-way dominance） to what it could be: a precious tunnel of connection with the person you love， joy and playfulness。 Even if I expected much more scientific facts， I loved how the author helps to reframe what sex shouldn't be （dirty， violent， one-way dominance） to what it could be: a precious tunnel of connection with the person you love， joy and playfulness。 。。。more
Ross Flynn
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Recommended by Esther Perel， this has been the most useful book I’ve ever read on this subject。 Easily accessible， paradigm-shifting， informative for men & women。 As a licensed marriage and family therapist， I will be recommending this book often。
Hannah
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I loved this book I would have loved to give it 5 stars but the writing style is sometimes frustrating （explained below in dislike section）。LOVED: The message， the knowledge - incredible。 I absolutely loved how much I learned， I underlined so much & my heart was exploding by the end。 It was so true to my own journey healing from sexual trauma & felt great to see the science and feel validated by that！ Highly recommend it！！！DISLIKED: The writing style was a bit frustrating at times， with all the I loved this book I would have loved to give it 5 stars but the writing style is sometimes frustrating （explained below in dislike section）。LOVED: The message， the knowledge - incredible。 I absolutely loved how much I learned， I underlined so much & my heart was exploding by the end。 It was so true to my own journey healing from sexual trauma & felt great to see the science and feel validated by that！ Highly recommend it！！！DISLIKED: The writing style was a bit frustrating at times， with all the different chapter references like we’ll get there in chapter 8 or we talked about that in chapter 2。。。 I wonder how many less pages there’d be in the book without all the chapter 8， chapter 2 stuff。 And there are SOOOOOOO many metaphors - some are great but at one point I thought my goodness。。 almost this whole book is written in metaphors。But if you get passed this， the book， the substance， really is life changing - you just need to apply it to your life and go through the tunnel！ 。。。more
Chere Marie
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This was one of the most significant books I’ve read on empowerment， women’s sexual wellness， mental health， the politics of misogyny and communication。 I heard Emily on Brene Browns’s podcast talking about the physiological impacts of stress on the body and was curious to read her work。 The title belies the wholistic research in this book on areas much broader than what might be construed as a better sex manual。 Using empirical， qualitative and quantitative data， she writes like a teacher （whic This was one of the most significant books I’ve read on empowerment， women’s sexual wellness， mental health， the politics of misogyny and communication。 I heard Emily on Brene Browns’s podcast talking about the physiological impacts of stress on the body and was curious to read her work。 The title belies the wholistic research in this book on areas much broader than what might be construed as a better sex manual。 Using empirical， qualitative and quantitative data， she writes like a teacher （which she is） outlining what she will cover， covering that information and summarizing it after。 She repeats central themes throughout the book which helps the reader track and reinforce the message。 With thorough footnotes in the index she provides rich opportunities to learn more about this work。 This book is affirming （“you’re normal and beautiful just as you are！”）， celebratory， funny and touching。 Using composites of women and men she has provided sexual coaching for， the reader accesses compassionately told stories with happy endings。 I feel like I just got a “get out of jail free” card in Monopoly。 。。。more
Juste
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Superb！！ Must read if you care about your sexual well being。
Leah Nichelson
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I don’t write reviews often， but I wish someone had warned me that this book was written almost entirely as metaphors。 As many as 5 different metaphors in one short paragraph。 The information was full of interesting insight， but I felt like it was written for someone with low IQ。
Amy
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There are really helpful takeaways that reflect the gap in American sex education。 Sexual non-concordance， as in bodies are not a reliable indicator of how consenting people are， was not covered in any of my high school courses （in fact， I remember my AP psychology class deliberately skipped over the sexual chapter， so I was unhappy to see questions about that section on the test）。 Anyways， it is a really toxic trope that I see all the time， that women’s arousal， or even people’s bodies in gener There are really helpful takeaways that reflect the gap in American sex education。 Sexual non-concordance， as in bodies are not a reliable indicator of how consenting people are， was not covered in any of my high school courses （in fact， I remember my AP psychology class deliberately skipped over the sexual chapter， so I was unhappy to see questions about that section on the test）。 Anyways， it is a really toxic trope that I see all the time， that women’s arousal， or even people’s bodies in general， betrays their true intentions。 Nagoski does us all a service in clarifying that choice and feelings have important roles， too。 Prum’s “The Evolution of Beauty” carried this thought too - that sex， reproduction， and female’s （he wrote about birds） bodies are not passively decoded with a mechanical series of steps of the male’s part， but that female choice is essential。 I wonder if he as an ornithologist would agree that sex is not a drive， as in it is not necessary to live， even though one’s motivations about sex can make it seem vital。 Apart from some introductory sections on anatomy， I liked that this book is largely about how psychology and stress affect sex。 Nagoski explains very well how context is an important factor in sexual experience。 Pollan’s book on psychedelics， “How to Change Your Mind” discusses context in relation to sensory perceptions， but Nagoski clarifies the concept better。 She references the hungry rat subjected to bright lights and pop？ music as unable to enjoy anything， whereas the rat that has warmth and food and quiet is able to relax and enjoy itself。 That seems really obvious， doesn’t it？ Yet most of what media considers sexual knowledge is how to give a blowjob or try anal。 It’s unfortunate that the writing is grating， though it is slightly better than in her “Burnout” （she doesn’t write out “ugh”s here）。 The metaphors are clarifying， if a bit repetitive and imploring。 It really asserts itself as a self-help book for women， but it could have gone so much better and farther framed as a information trove about sex and psychology for everyone。 Having such a gendered audience makes it harder to recommend to men who need to understand their own sexuality or be more supportive partners。 Maybe those men would not read this anyways。 Still， editing could have cut out a lot of unnecessary sentences， and the “tldrs” at the end of each chapter could have been incorporated as section headings， so that the table of contents could have been one big “tldr”。 The organization is sloppy， in terms of how many times a chapter refers to a later one in a “coming up next！” or a “stay tuned！” manner。 The reader is already there， so that just seems excessive。 The good thing about her writing is that it is very accessible， so maybe even middle schoolers could read it。 。。。more
Veronica
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Highly recommend it to everyone。 Essential knowledge and incredibly empowering。 Would give it more stars if I could。
Genny Shafer
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I loved this book - I recommend it to women every chance I get。 The biggest take away is understanding I have a sensitive excellerator but an even more sensitive break！ Like ridiculously sensitive。
Amie Jimenez
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Engrossing and encaptivating！ If you have some great stories like this one， you can publish it on Novel Star， just submit your story to hardy@novelstar。top or joye@novelstar。top
Nadia
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AMAZING book！ It should be required reading for every woman and man。 I learned so many new things about my sexuality and I've been studying sexuality for quite a while now！ AMAZING book！ It should be required reading for every woman and man。 I learned so many new things about my sexuality and I've been studying sexuality for quite a while now！ 。。。more
Shyamli Indolia
，
A great book for anyone wanting to get some insights on a much hushed upon subject–the female sexuality。 It covers almost all the aspects of the theme from the basic physiology， scientific studies， stereotypes and myths， cultural expectations， ideas of normality and much more。 It is essentially a therapeutic guide on the subject for people who feel broken and uncomfortable in their own skin， encouraging them to own their sexuality by exhaustively dealing with the roadblocks on the way and guidin A great book for anyone wanting to get some insights on a much hushed upon subject–the female sexuality。 It covers almost all the aspects of the theme from the basic physiology， scientific studies， stereotypes and myths， cultural expectations， ideas of normality and much more。 It is essentially a therapeutic guide on the subject for people who feel broken and uncomfortable in their own skin， encouraging them to own their sexuality by exhaustively dealing with the roadblocks on the way and guiding all along the process。 Would definitely recommend it to the female audience。 Surely there is a lot of stuff in here to enlighten the ladies and make them understand， appreciate and love their bodies more。 。。。more
Janie
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A must read for everyone。
Mona
，
Dana recommended this book to me。 Her group at Planned Parenthood read it。 I think this would have been a great book to read in my 20’s。 Now in my 60’s it was a review of things I know and learned through living my life。
Jennie
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Highly recommend listening to the audiobook version of this book， read by the author herself！ I appreciated the interdisciplinary perspectives the author gathered to make her points。 The book is holistic and speaks to the human experience and roots of the matter as it impacts one's sexual life。 Highly recommend listening to the audiobook version of this book， read by the author herself！ I appreciated the interdisciplinary perspectives the author gathered to make her points。 The book is holistic and speaks to the human experience and roots of the matter as it impacts one's sexual life。 。。。more
Clancy
，
I can’t express enough how powerful this book was for my sexual understanding。 Highly suggest for every woman。
Francesca Brown
，
Reading about the science of sex is maybe not what everyone wants to read about， but this was soooo educational as someone who had a non existent sex education growing up。
Katie R。 Herring
，
The content was great， and I really recommend this book as a source of sexual information for women （and men）。 But， I could not stand the writing style。 I generally like conversational writing， but， dear God， was the author annoying。 The first section， the more biological one， was great。 And then the author became a pesky insect in my ear。 She did not have to repeat all the metaphors， nor talk about upcoming chapters and previous chapters so much。 Every other paragraph contained something like， The content was great， and I really recommend this book as a source of sexual information for women （and men）。 But， I could not stand the writing style。 I generally like conversational writing， but， dear God， was the author annoying。 The first section， the more biological one， was great。 And then the author became a pesky insect in my ear。 She did not have to repeat all the metaphors， nor talk about upcoming chapters and previous chapters so much。 Every other paragraph contained something like， "in the next chapter you/they/she'll learn。。。" or "like we saw in chapter #， now you know。。。" or "the reason for this is found in chapter #;" I couldn't stand it！ With that said， I was clearly not the intended audience。 I think the intended audience is a non-reader， and I am simply not that。 I can read a science focused book （because at the end of the day， that is what it is） without the fluff。 She really dumbed it down， and couldn't stay out of the narrative。 However， I did get a lot out of it。 Aside from the eye roles at her narration， I found the accelerators/breaks， non-concordance， and context all rather interesting。 A lot of it seems like common sense， but we are taught a certain way。。。 The information I got from this， added to what I learned in "Why Good Sex Matters，" has been eye-opening， and will definitely be taken into consideration。 As an aside， I do recommend WGSM。 It's much more technical and focuses on the mind/body connection in a more scientific writing style。 。。。more
Angelea Putri
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