Relationships

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

  • Downloads：7346
  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-04-08 14:56:40
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Harville Hendrix
  • ISBN：1250310539
  • Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary

The New York Times bestselling guide to transforming an intimate relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship， now fully revised with a new forward and a brand new chapter。



Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of people experience more satisfying relationships and is recommended every day by professional therapists and happy couples around the world。 Dr。 Harville Hendrix and Dr。 Helen LaKelly Hunt explain how to revive romance and remove negativity from daily interactions， to help you:

- Discover why you chose your mate
- Resolve the power struggle that prevents greater intimacy
- Learn to listen - really listen - to your partner
- Increase fun and laughter in your relationship
- Begin healing early childhood experiences by stretching into new behaviors
- Become passionate friends with your partner
- Achieve a common vision of your dream relationship

Become the most connected couple you know with this revolutionary guide， combining behavioral science， depth psychology， social learning theory， Gestalt therapy， and interpersonal neuroscience to help you and your partner recapture joy， enhance closeness， and experience the reward of a deeply fulfilling relationship。

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Reviews

Tanya ，

I almost didn't check this out due to the corny title。 Then， I decided I'd check it out but not share on Goodreads。 Then， I almost stopped because the audiobook narration felt grandfatherly， but after having gone through the entire book （not yet done the exercisrs， however） the concept of imago therapy in building an even stronger partnership really resonated with me。 Also， I think this can be useful in all relationships， not just couples。 I've bought a copy of the book on Kindle to be able to g I almost didn't check this out due to the corny title。 Then， I decided I'd check it out but not share on Goodreads。 Then， I almost stopped because the audiobook narration felt grandfatherly， but after having gone through the entire book （not yet done the exercisrs， however） the concept of imago therapy in building an even stronger partnership really resonated with me。 Also， I think this can be useful in all relationships， not just couples。 I've bought a copy of the book on Kindle to be able to go through more methodically and my husband's really excited to read it， too。 。。。more

Lory ，

A must read for couples。

Sandra Shoghi ，

Fantastic and engaging read， highly recommend。

Marianne Mitt ，

I recommend all people who are in a relationship （or someday want to be） to read it。 There are probably many great discoveries for people who don‘t have much knowledge about psychology and how our childhood can affect us。 Loved the real life examples and stories + a lot of practical advice！

Raúl Terego ，

Useful couple therapy techniques， but not necessarily valid for everyone。 Sticking points:-The authors seem to imply that staying married is the "moral" thing to do。-The connection between spirituality/religion and married life won't work for everyone。-There is a lot of emphasis on freudian ideas， such as the importance of sharing childhood trauma as a necessary path to happiness （as an individual and as a couple）。-I suspect this book's natural audience is for people born before the 70-80s。 Ther Useful couple therapy techniques， but not necessarily valid for everyone。 Sticking points:-The authors seem to imply that staying married is the "moral" thing to do。-The connection between spirituality/religion and married life won't work for everyone。-There is a lot of emphasis on freudian ideas， such as the importance of sharing childhood trauma as a necessary path to happiness （as an individual and as a couple）。-I suspect this book's natural audience is for people born before the 70-80s。 There are a number of real life cases in the book， and I didn't really connect with any of them。 Esther Perel's work seems to be much more relevant for contemporary couples。 。。。more

Kayleigh Reading with A Therapist ，

My favorite book to use when working with couples！ Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix， PhD。This book explores the neuroscience behind why we do what we do in a relationship， based off of our attachment and how we were raised。 I love how this book explains why we yell during fights， as we learned when we were babies the best way to get our needs meet was to scream until a caregiver meet our needs。 This is the type of things you’ll learn in this book。 With any book there are some things My favorite book to use when working with couples！ Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix， PhD。This book explores the neuroscience behind why we do what we do in a relationship， based off of our attachment and how we were raised。 I love how this book explains why we yell during fights， as we learned when we were babies the best way to get our needs meet was to scream until a caregiver meet our needs。 This is the type of things you’ll learn in this book。 With any book there are some things to leave behind but mostly the physiological information is on point and the activities it has throughout the book can be very beneficial。 If one is looking to understand where their partner is coming from and learn how they can help heal that person， try these things。 It is not our job to “fix” our partners but this book gives you the tools and language to open the conversation around how you can better be there for them and what things they may need from you to heal。 Our brains are always searching for familiar relationships that remind us of our primary care givers， so that we can redo them with the outcome we want。 This books helps us learn from this and grow with what we learn。There is also a workbook that you can get that goes with it if you want more in-depth practice but I find the exercises in the book are a good starting point。 。。。more

Jillian Richardson ，

This book is super helpful for:- Monogamous couples who want to communicate more effectively- Single people who want to understand their triggers in relationship- Anyone in an open/poly relationship structure who's okay with this book not really recognizing that y'all existI love the communication tools in this book， as well as the journaling prompts。 It's interesting to me that Harville + Helen share that they almost got divorced once， but don't really dive into the nitty gritty of how they eme This book is super helpful for:- Monogamous couples who want to communicate more effectively- Single people who want to understand their triggers in relationship- Anyone in an open/poly relationship structure who's okay with this book not really recognizing that y'all existI love the communication tools in this book， as well as the journaling prompts。 It's interesting to me that Harville + Helen share that they almost got divorced once， but don't really dive into the nitty gritty of how they emerged from that place。 While I imagine complimenting each other and lots of acts of service were great， it seems like they're not revealing a big part of their relationship。 Which is of course also their choice！ 。。。more

Tracy ，

Favorite Quote“He thought he was in love with a person， when in fact he was in love with an image projected upon that person。 Cheryl was not a real person with needs and desires of her own; she was a resource for the satisfaction of his unconscious childhood longings。 He was in love with the idea of wish fulfillment and--like Narcissus--with a reflected part of himself。”― Harville Hendrix， Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples

Caroline Bertaud ，

Wow。 Why and how someone “chooses” their life partner says a whole lot more about said someone than what I could have imagined！ This book is an astounding nugget of discovery—I learned hugely about myself and I better understand so many things and behaviors now that I have this knowledge。 Reading this book is like what I imagine psychanalyse to be; a fantastic journey through your unconscious and into the dark， convoluted recesses of our brains。 A must-read to get a better grasp at your partner’ Wow。 Why and how someone “chooses” their life partner says a whole lot more about said someone than what I could have imagined！ This book is an astounding nugget of discovery—I learned hugely about myself and I better understand so many things and behaviors now that I have this knowledge。 Reading this book is like what I imagine psychanalyse to be; a fantastic journey through your unconscious and into the dark， convoluted recesses of our brains。 A must-read to get a better grasp at your partner’s needs as well as your own—thus all the more powerful if read with your significant other， I imagine。 。。。more

Vibek ，

Great book for couples either married or not。 Very realistic and practical insights and exercises are given。 This book not just finds the reason of devorce and broken love， gives the very impressive and practical insights of solutions。 This book helps to make our relationship better， longer and forever。 Here is the link where i tried to summarize this book。Check it outhttps://youtube。com/channel/UCT5ysn2K。。。 Great book for couples either married or not。 Very realistic and practical insights and exercises are given。 This book not just finds the reason of devorce and broken love， gives the very impressive and practical insights of solutions。 This book helps to make our relationship better， longer and forever。 Here is the link where i tried to summarize this book。Check it outhttps://youtube。com/channel/UCT5ysn2K。。。 。。。more

Sherri Morgan ，

Highly recommend this book for anyone to read。 I don't care if you are single or have been married for years。 It helps so much。 Highly recommend this book for anyone to read。 I don't care if you are single or have been married for years。 It helps so much。 。。。more

Justin Lucas ，

Great read for couples to understand the science behind our hidden desires for the partners we are attracted to and how to work with our partners even though we are vastly different humans with different childhoods。

Ashley Connolly ，

A classic in the therapy and personal growth world but was underwhelmed by the logic behind the Imago premise。

Guruxi ，

The plot is very great

Heli ，

When it comes to therapy， in psychology there's a rule that if it works， it doesn't matter if it's created nonscientifically。 So whatever the explanations， the work seems useful and helpful。 I couldn't look past the too frequent references to Freud and mentions of god， it was disturbing and didn't add value。 But again， the methods are useful and many explanations make perfect sense so I recommend making use of it。 When it comes to therapy， in psychology there's a rule that if it works， it doesn't matter if it's created nonscientifically。 So whatever the explanations， the work seems useful and helpful。 I couldn't look past the too frequent references to Freud and mentions of god， it was disturbing and didn't add value。 But again， the methods are useful and many explanations make perfect sense so I recommend making use of it。 。。。more

Nadia ，

These folks love The Lord and Freud， so take what works and leave what doesn’t。

Jackie ，

Some great insights， but would read with a grain of salt if you are not currently in a relationship。 They put down individual therapy which was off putting for me personally and those who have put years into their own healing journey。 I believe that going through therapy such as Internal Family Systems before or in between relationships can be a great help to gain insight into how you bring unhealed childhood wounds to a relationship。 It is a great way to be emotionally responsible in choosing y Some great insights， but would read with a grain of salt if you are not currently in a relationship。 They put down individual therapy which was off putting for me personally and those who have put years into their own healing journey。 I believe that going through therapy such as Internal Family Systems before or in between relationships can be a great help to gain insight into how you bring unhealed childhood wounds to a relationship。 It is a great way to be emotionally responsible in choosing your partner。 I would love to see if they would adapt a book to people who have been actively working to heal themselves before entering a conscious relationship and are able to notice when they may choose a partner based on their "imago match。" I feel that as people heal and understand their childhood wounds they do not seek that healing out in others。 Also people can become un-attracted to those original "imago match"traits in others because they no longer need that healing， thus opening up ones perspective to a more emotionally healthy match。 The partner becomes an added form of emotional support - but not the main support。 It is possible to create new neuro-pathways on your own。 Again these are personal thoughts coming from someone who is in and continues individual therapy。 This book is more for couples who have married before having this type of self-awareness and are trying to save the relationship。 This book has some very excellent information and exercises for couples willing to commit to the work。 I can see using it as a form of empathetic communication in an existing relationship as well。 。。。more

Adam Ashton ，

The story that everyone is fucked up because of their parents and childhood is liberating to some， but doesn’t serve me at all。 Liked some of the elements of the “old brain / new brain” approaches to love and relationships， but overall this wasn’t my kind of book。

Ingrid Gmeiner ，

I've always been interested in psychology and the way people relate to each other。 When I first heard of Imago therapy， I thought that it made a lot of sense。 I was intrigued。 Imago therapy stems from the belief that we all have childhood wounds from the experience we had as we developed during our childhood。 This most often refers to the way our parents raised us and our unfulfilled desires i。e。 Feelings of being unloved， etc。 This has nothing to do with your parents being "bad parents"， but ra I've always been interested in psychology and the way people relate to each other。 When I first heard of Imago therapy， I thought that it made a lot of sense。 I was intrigued。 Imago therapy stems from the belief that we all have childhood wounds from the experience we had as we developed during our childhood。 This most often refers to the way our parents raised us and our unfulfilled desires i。e。 Feelings of being unloved， etc。 This has nothing to do with your parents being "bad parents"， but rather points to the facts that the most subtle of actions by your parents could have created a trigger whilst you were emotionally developing as a child。 According to imago therapy， we subconsciously select partners that share the traits of our parents which led us to have these emotional wounds。 The reason we select our partners like this is so that we can finally get the closure /love /acceptance that we felt we never received。 But with most romantic relationships， there is the honeymoon phase， then the power struggle before we reach the conscious partnership。 Imago therapy teaches you to create safety in your relationship which leads to intimacy and ultimately， joyful connenction and healing of your emotional wounds。 This book provides guidelines on creating a conscious partnership。 It is a very worthwhile read for anyone in a relationship。 （I'd even encourage our single friends to read this one）。 。。。more

Laura Luther ，

One of the best relationship books I’ve read。 Everything they talk about in this book just makes so much sense。

^ Katie ^ ，

We discovered that if you look deep enough in all these fields of study， a common thread emerged: relationship。 All things are connected and interconnected。 No matter where we look—from subatomic particles to neurons to universes—nothing is singular， nothing is separate。 I decided to start this year with a sort of self-help book。 For some backstory， I am not married but I am currently beginning a serious relationship with someone after coming out of a 6-year long abusive and emotionally manipul We discovered that if you look deep enough in all these fields of study， a common thread emerged: relationship。 All things are connected and interconnected。 No matter where we look—from subatomic particles to neurons to universes—nothing is singular， nothing is separate。 I decided to start this year with a sort of self-help book。 For some backstory， I am not married but I am currently beginning a serious relationship with someone after coming out of a 6-year long abusive and emotionally manipulative relationship。 So I want to give myself the proper tools to help me have the kind of relationship I want and deserve。 This book is fantastic。 That's the simple way I can describe it。 It really just cuts straight to the core facts of what needs to be done to achieve the love you want。 It doesn't bullshit or go off on tangents。 It is very matter-of-fact and incorporates real-life examples to help you understand some of the practices they want you to work out with your partner。 This book states that you must create a safe place between you and your partner， free of criticism and judgement and anger and keep this area， clean and safe。 A relationship can only grow if there is safety between the two。 It talks about how the different parts of our brain process anger whether it be from ourselves or our partners as an attack on ourself and sees it as actually life-threatening danger。 But mostly this book states that the partners we chose are more similar than we know to our parents and we chose them for that reason。 If our father was dismissive and never home we will choose a husband with very similar traits because we are trying to heal that childhood trauma that is in all of us。 To literally rewrite what was done to us。 The book teaches you that your partner can help you heal your inner childhood trauma and through helping their needs you're satisfying your hidden-self and healing your own wounds too。 It's a slow process that requires commitment on both parties but the rewards are felt daily from it。 This book was very powerful and really taught me so much about relationships and the best way to communicate with my partner and how important listening is and acts of affection。 It also taught me not to be afraid of acts of affection as those acts done in repetition will heal me over time。 very beautiful book。 Informative with real-life accounts of couples using the practices explained。 5/5 。。。more

Jen ，

Former minister turned couple’s therapist Harville Hendrix links the past and the present in love in order to walk readers through creating a love that is safe， rewarding， and most of all， conscious。 We fall in love， and that falling in love is not the captivating random encounter with the person who happens to be most attractive or just happens to fall in front of us at the right time。 Early caretakers leave imprints of what to expect from relationships with others， and not-so-randomly are attr Former minister turned couple’s therapist Harville Hendrix links the past and the present in love in order to walk readers through creating a love that is safe， rewarding， and most of all， conscious。 We fall in love， and that falling in love is not the captivating random encounter with the person who happens to be most attractive or just happens to fall in front of us at the right time。 Early caretakers leave imprints of what to expect from relationships with others， and not-so-randomly are attracted to those who provide us opportunity to work through our past。 They have distinct sets of positive and negative traits that replicate （or are the imago of） early caretakers， usually our parents。 We can wobble through love with avoiding reflection， self-analysis， and change， but such avoidance precludes our most longed for desire to be known and loved and accepted for who we entirely are。 Traits that our caretakers acknowledge， sanction， or disavow become our own false， neglected， and repressed characteristics that go underground and split our wholeness as integrated and emotional people， our parts that are creative， at play， demanding， angry， or any other positive or negative traits that were rewarded or sanctioned。 Hendrix shares how we end up unconscious as well as how we can construct consciousness。 Consciousness follows principles （included but not limited to） of understanding early wound’s clawing at present relationships， clearly stating needs， building intention， and becoming selflessness enough to value a partner’s needs and wounds as highly as one’s own。 This selflessness paradoxically is more self-loving by growing a person back to their own wholeness， where the self （positive and negative） can be met with awareness， self-compassion， connection， and agency with consciousness as a new， sturdy foundation to uphold and sustain the growth。 While Part I of the book is devoted to understanding， Parts II and III are devoted to understanding and implementing conscious partnership。 Both the understanding the origins of unconscious partnerships as well as the behavioral interventions deliver motivation and success， thereby driving reinforcement and maintenance of the striving toward conscious partnership。 The exercises are targeted and practical and thoroughly describe。 They build sequentially on insight， relationship stabilization， and growth。 A couple of the exercises include re-connecting with all parts of one’s self and fulfilling a partner’s needs as a gift to summon more conscious loving feelings。 Hendricks excellently links the past and the present to shape the future。 This book is highly recommend for readers looking to consider how family of origin mold deep needs that affect the future love relationship and readers looking to strengthen a faltering relationship。 This is a cornerstone relationship read。 *** For more relationship books and other sources， please visit my website， www。thecouplessyllabus。com *** 。。。more

The Lazy Reader ，

Suffers from classic pop-psychology symptoms。 Some good ideas， but which get buried beneath all the grand， aggrandizing theories， most of which are definitely unscientific or overreaching。 Annoyingly patronizing at parts with lot of tepid case studies。 Another reviewer mentioned that this book should not be taken as the end-all truth teller， but read critically and and this is good advice for most self-help literature。The marketing for this niche field is perhaps the strongest I've ever encounte Suffers from classic pop-psychology symptoms。 Some good ideas， but which get buried beneath all the grand， aggrandizing theories， most of which are definitely unscientific or overreaching。 Annoyingly patronizing at parts with lot of tepid case studies。 Another reviewer mentioned that this book should not be taken as the end-all truth teller， but read critically and and this is good advice for most self-help literature。The marketing for this niche field is perhaps the strongest I've ever encountered， they've sharpened the seduction to a dangerously effective point。 I am usually good with my mental shields but they weaken and I fall victim from time to time。 。。。more

Lisa ，

I found this really old book through a really old Oprah podcast episode。 It doesn’t matter how old some ideas are， they still work。 I may read other things by this author。

Sander S。 ，

Trying to analyze everyone to pieces with it's little toolbox + add some religion in the mix。 Didn't hate the book， just hope the "everything is explainable by a childhood trauma" school in the history of psychology will in hindsight turn out as amusingly wrong as the 18th century aether theories to describe electromagnetic waves in physics。 Trying to analyze everyone to pieces with it's little toolbox + add some religion in the mix。 Didn't hate the book， just hope the "everything is explainable by a childhood trauma" school in the history of psychology will in hindsight turn out as amusingly wrong as the 18th century aether theories to describe electromagnetic waves in physics。 。。。more

Liya ，

An awesome classic that was recommended by a therapist years ago。 Finally got around to reading it。 Sheds so much light on how our childhood affects our marriage， and how to improve and sustain loving connections - both the theory and exercises。 Gives me great hope to know that our brains can be rewired for the better。

Dmitry Persiyanov ，

The book provides a nice framework for couples to improve their relationships， bring more compassion， involvement and care about each other。 Lots of common pieces with "conflicts handling" literature such as Crucial Conversations， I really enjoyed drawing parallels between these books。Last chapter is full of step-by-step exercises that you need to work on with your partner in order to heal your relationships。 The book provides a nice framework for couples to improve their relationships， bring more compassion， involvement and care about each other。 Lots of common pieces with "conflicts handling" literature such as Crucial Conversations， I really enjoyed drawing parallels between these books。Last chapter is full of step-by-step exercises that you need to work on with your partner in order to heal your relationships。 。。。more

Mandi Toutsch ，

Wonderful book。 Great practical tips on relationships。 Unfortunately， my husband at the time did not enjoy it。 Funny and sad story it came flying across the room when we were on a retreat to plan our year。

Soniuca ，

If you want to find out what lays under our drive for attachement， connection， attraction and love， take this book。 It's like a "relationships 101"， covers every important topic on the subject。It's a well written and well structured book。 Takes you from 0 to 100， explains patterns， reasons， theories， connects childhood with the present and how trauma affected us （that was my fav part）It made so much sense of my experiences！ Have a nice day:） If you want to find out what lays under our drive for attachement， connection， attraction and love， take this book。 It's like a "relationships 101"， covers every important topic on the subject。It's a well written and well structured book。 Takes you from 0 to 100， explains patterns， reasons， theories， connects childhood with the present and how trauma affected us （that was my fav part）It made so much sense of my experiences！ Have a nice day:） 。。。more

Jonn ，

You’ll learn something about yourself whether you’re in a relationship or not。

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0