Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
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- Create Date：2023-04-05 06:55:20
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Lewis B. Smedes
- ISBN：006128582X
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Summary
For all of us who have been wounded by another and struggled to understand and move beyond our feelings of hurt and anger， Lewis Smedes's classic book on forgiveness shows that it is possible to heal our pain and find room in our hearts to forgive。
Breaking down the process of healing into four stages and offering stories of real people's experience throughout， this wise book provides hope and solace for all who long for the peace that comes with forgiveness。 This classic is now available in an updated paperback PLUS edition with a reader's guide and other bonus materials。
Breaking down the process of healing into four stages and offering stories of real people's experience throughout， this wise book provides hope and solace for all who long for the peace that comes with forgiveness。 This classic is now available in an updated paperback PLUS edition with a reader's guide and other bonus materials。
Reviews
Virendra
，
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 Nice book
Prabhat sharma
，
Forgive and Forget- Healing the hurts We don’t deserve by Lewis B。 Smedes- Part 1- the Four stages of Forgiving-（1） we hurt （2） We hate （3） we heal ourselves （4） we come together。 Relationship between two persons- husband -wife， boss -subordinate colleague， friends， enemies， brother sister are part of our life。 They have helped you in ups and downs of life。 Therefore， we must pardon them if there is any issue。 Part 2- Forgiving people who are hard to forgive-（1） forgiving the invisible people， （ Forgive and Forget- Healing the hurts We don’t deserve by Lewis B。 Smedes- Part 1- the Four stages of Forgiving-（1） we hurt （2） We hate （3） we heal ourselves （4） we come together。 Relationship between two persons- husband -wife， boss -subordinate colleague， friends， enemies， brother sister are part of our life。 They have helped you in ups and downs of life。 Therefore， we must pardon them if there is any issue。 Part 2- Forgiving people who are hard to forgive-（1） forgiving the invisible people， （2） forgiving the people who do not care， （3） forgiving ourselves， （4） forgiving monsters （5） forgiving God。 This chapter talk about Parents。 If parents have been strict disciplinarians and children have developed a hard spot for them， they should understand that whatever parents have done for children， it is with an understanding that this act done or not done is for welfare of children。 Therefore， children must forgive the parents。 Tough idea in the book is forgive God。 Author recommends that unlike all people， it is possible that a person does not get any opportunity in life at the proper time。 He has to miss opportunities。 This is competition。 To be fair to oneself， one must develop spirit of competition and forget God for missed opportunities。 Part 3- How people forgive （1） slowly， （2） With little understanding， （3） in confusion， （4） with anger left over， （5） a little at a time， （6） freely， or not at all， （7） with a fundamental feeling， Part 4- （1） forgiving makes life fairer， （2） forgiving is a better risk， （3） forgiving is stronger， （4） forgiving fits faulty people。 Topic of the book is relevant for all。 。。。more
Michelle Brooksby
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A very helpful book。
Cecely
，
This is， hands down， one of the best books I have ever read。 It is concise， clear， and realistic while remaining warm and relatable and truly helpful。 I wish the author was still alive so I could write my thanks to him。 God bless his spirit。 I hope he rests in peace。
Christi
，
I’m torn on this one。 There are some things I read that were really great and really helped me， but there was a good chunk of the book that I just didn’t really identify with or particularly enjoy。 I don’t think I would read this again， but I did highlight some things that I would go back and review for sure。
Laura
，
The information was helpful， but the book is rather out of date。
Donner Tan
，
This is the best book I've ever read on the subject of 'forgiveness'。 It is written with wit， biblical wisdom， practicality and compassion。 It first disabuses you of all the caricatures of what forgiveness is - excusing， tolerating， condoning， etc。 Then， as usual， Smedes comes at the subject with his typical hard-nosed treatment。 In forgiving someone， the sin has to be grappled with for what it is - wrong， unfair， evil and hurtful。 One should not simply gloss over and get over it but take it int This is the best book I've ever read on the subject of 'forgiveness'。 It is written with wit， biblical wisdom， practicality and compassion。 It first disabuses you of all the caricatures of what forgiveness is - excusing， tolerating， condoning， etc。 Then， as usual， Smedes comes at the subject with his typical hard-nosed treatment。 In forgiving someone， the sin has to be grappled with for what it is - wrong， unfair， evil and hurtful。 One should not simply gloss over and get over it but take it into account， experience deeply the horrendous evil that it is and call it to curse。 It is in confronting sin as it is and coming to grips with the the deep hurts that it brings， that one could ever go on to slowly let go of the associated onslaught of anger and resentment。 It is a long journey for most and one might have to forgive the same sin by the same person over and over again。 One comes to know that forgiveness is beginning to bear fruit when one begins to see the adversary with new （'magic'） eyes and the event of the hurt with a new perspective that sets one's heart free to love。 While the goal of forgiveness includes the healing of the aggrieved， it also opens up the real possibility of reconciliation。 But Smedes wisely cautions that reconciliation takes two parties and on this side of eternity， forgiveness needs not hang on reconciliation for its completion。 This is as realistic as one can get。In recent years， Smedes has been criticised （unfairly IMHO） for operating too much under the therapeutic mode and falling short of the reconciliation aimed at by the biblical ideals by such books as 'Embodying Forgiveness' by Gregory Jones。 While the latter is a fine book to be read profitably in its own right， its critique of Smedes is in my reading wide off the mark。 Smedes was charged as advocating a kind of forgiveness that is aimed primarily at healing the individual's hurts and ignoring the larger issues of sins， culpability， repentance and reconciliation。 I think given Smedes' more modest aim in focusing on the discipline and experience of forgiveness in this book， he has simply been criticised for not writing beyond the scope of what he intends to focus on。I think this book should simply be taken on its own merits。 One has to read it to see that Smedes writes not only with academic precision but also hard-won compassion culled from the tough work of forgiving your debtors in this broken world。 It is an immensely liberating and life-transforming work！ 。。。more
Fred
，
If you want to know about forgiveness， this is the place to start。 Smedes' book is a clear， passionate thoughtful book about all aspects of forgiveness。 He explains what forgiveness is， how it happens （slowly） and why it is so important。 He does not dodge any questions and offers no easy answers。 But this book will help you if you are struggling with an undeserved hurt or feeling hatred because of a wrong against you and wondering if you should forgive。 Actually this book will help any thoughtfu If you want to know about forgiveness， this is the place to start。 Smedes' book is a clear， passionate thoughtful book about all aspects of forgiveness。 He explains what forgiveness is， how it happens （slowly） and why it is so important。 He does not dodge any questions and offers no easy answers。 But this book will help you if you are struggling with an undeserved hurt or feeling hatred because of a wrong against you and wondering if you should forgive。 Actually this book will help any thoughtful human being because sooner or later all of us will deal with hurt and forgiveness。 Smedes has written three books on this topic。 Start here and work to the others。 。。。more
Josie
，
I have read this 2 times now， as forgiving a BIG thing is an ongoing process。 The first time I feel it didnt help much because the wound was still fresh。 Now its been awhile and I can apply some of it。 If you need help forgiving this may help but dont expect a magic pill。 You still have to do all the hard work of applying what you have read。
Glenda Light
，
A small volume written in a readable style including practical examples of forgiveness。 Forgiving is presented as a healing act for both the wronged and the wrongdoer， but not as an easily accomplished act。 Presents a list of things that forgiveness is not， things we hide behind in the name of forgiveness。 A little confused by the title， Forgive and Forget， because I am not sure that forgetting IS forgiving， but definitely some thought provoking material。
Lindsay
，
Forgiveness has always been a difficult thing for me to do and this book has shifted some of my perspectives about the process。 I've always held grudges and suffered by reliving painful memories， refusing to let them go。 My biggest take aways from this book are that I have come to understand we all do & say things we regret， we all make mistakes， and we all deserve forgiveness。 If we only hold on to the past we are not living in the present。 To truly be forgiven is to forgive others and ourselve Forgiveness has always been a difficult thing for me to do and this book has shifted some of my perspectives about the process。 I've always held grudges and suffered by reliving painful memories， refusing to let them go。 My biggest take aways from this book are that I have come to understand we all do & say things we regret， we all make mistakes， and we all deserve forgiveness。 If we only hold on to the past we are not living in the present。 To truly be forgiven is to forgive others and ourselves， learn from our mistakes， and strive not to repeat them。 In order to reconcile relationships with those who have hurt us both sides need to understand each other's view and vow to be better to each other moving forward。 I still have some work to do but feel I am in the process of beginning to forgive many people in my life and hope I can be forgiven too。 。。。more
Claudia Loureiro
，
This book is an enjoyable， thought-provoking， laughing and seeing one's self。 It goes into great detail analyzing forgiveness。。。what it is， what it looks like， when it is needed and when it is not， how to do it， and why it is critically important。 The quote， "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you。" Is something that stood out to me。 This book is an enjoyable， thought-provoking， laughing and seeing one's self。 It goes into great detail analyzing forgiveness。。。what it is， what it looks like， when it is needed and when it is not， how to do it， and why it is critically important。 The quote， "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you。" Is something that stood out to me。 。。。more
Rhonda
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This book has some very good insights on what it means to forgive and how to do it。
SheAintGotNoShoes
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Best spiritual book I have ever read on the topic of forgiveness of terrible wrongs even evil done to us。 He even has a chapter entitled ' Monsters '， so it is a book that does not sugar coat the evils and awful things people do and say to one another， including children。 Highly recommended。A+++++++++++ Best spiritual book I have ever read on the topic of forgiveness of terrible wrongs even evil done to us。 He even has a chapter entitled ' Monsters '， so it is a book that does not sugar coat the evils and awful things people do and say to one another， including children。 Highly recommended。A+++++++++++ 。。。more
Caroline
，
An excellent and very readable book on forgiveness and healing
Nathan Albright
，
Right from the beginning， this author makes it clear that he knows his reading audience: "Somebody hurt you， maybe yesterday， maybe a lifetime ago， and you cannot forget it。 You did not deserve the hurt。 It went deep， deep enough to lodge itself in your memory。 And it keeps on hurting you now （xi）。" And， truth be told， this is an author who knows his audience， as this is one book （and a fairly early example， coming from 1984） in a fairly popular genre [1]。 This is a book that knows its place wit Right from the beginning， this author makes it clear that he knows his reading audience: "Somebody hurt you， maybe yesterday， maybe a lifetime ago， and you cannot forget it。 You did not deserve the hurt。 It went deep， deep enough to lodge itself in your memory。 And it keeps on hurting you now （xi）。" And， truth be told， this is an author who knows his audience， as this is one book （and a fairly early example， coming from 1984） in a fairly popular genre [1]。 This is a book that knows its place within the larger context of the works on the subject， and an author that speaks about forgiveness from the best point of view to have， of someone who has struggled to forgive others， and someone who knows deeply what it is like to be forgiven。 From this perspective， and from someone who has read a great deal of literature on the subject of forgiveness and related concerns and internalized them， the result is a compelling book about what it means to forgive， and the process of forgiveness from both sides， and the eventual goals and purposes of forgiveness in the face of a world that often seeks to dodge the problem。 The contents of this book are pretty comprehensive， especially for a book of about 150 pages。 The book begins with a fable of the magic eyes， and closes with a brief conclusion called a postlude。 The rest of the materials are of the book are made up of four parts。 The first part of the book talks about the four stages of forgiveness （hurting， hating， healing， and reconciliation） and some nice things that forgiveness is not。 The second part of the book talks about forgiving people who are hard to forgive （invisible people， people who do not care， ourselves， monsters， and God）。 The third part of the book talks about how people forgive （slowly， with a little understanding， in confusion， with anger left over， a little at a time， freely or not at all， and with a fundamental feeling）。 The fourth part of the book gives reasons to forgive in the face of those who think forgiveness to be a copout from the need for justice， such as the way it makes life fairer， a better risk than revenge， stronger， and fitting faulty people like ourselves。 The author never forgets to remind the reader that we are both in the position of needing to be forgiven and needing also to forgive， pointing out to the reader that the Gospels consistently connect our forgiveness with our forgiving， something that ought to give all of us pause。Given that forgiveness and reconciliation are not exactly new subjects to write about， and probably were not even remotely new in the 1980s when the author was writing this book， does this book deliver the goods？ Is it worth reading more than thirty years later？ In a word， yes。 What makes this book worthwhile？ It manages to combine personal experience， evidence of having done impressive reading and research， sound biblical exegesis， and practical tips。 All of these make it a worthwhile book， even if the subject material of the book is not very pleasant。 What sort of things does this book talk about forgiving？ The murder of family members by police/military action。 Rape， sexual abuse， bullying， adultery， and so on。 This is not a call to forgive people for being slow in traffic， as irritating as that may be， but for serious offenses that wound people for their entire lives and that have generational ripples。 Forgiveness and reconciliation are by no means easy matters， but this is a good book to encourage people to go through the process， as difficult and awkward as it is for all of us。 As the author reminds us at the close of his excellent book， "If you are trying to forgive; even if you manage forgiving in fits and starts， if you forgive today， hate again tomorrow， and have to forgive again the day after， you are a forgiver。 Most of us are amateurs， bungling duffers sometimes。 So what？ In this game nobody is an expert。 We are all beginners （151）。"[1] See， for example:https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2017。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2017。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2016。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2015。。。https://edgeinducedcohesion。blog/2014。。。 。。。more
Melissa Sandoval
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I really enjoyed the theology in this book and it had some helpful and enlightening points about forgiveness ， which I believe everyone could benefit from 。 A little too much repetition with the examples used 。 Could have used a bit more variety。 Short read ， but enjoyable 。
Aurora Bennet
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Soooo gooood。 Must read！ so glad I stumbled into this one， came at the right time。
Nmdb22
，
I gave this book 4 stars， not for the writing - not well written - but for the one liners and helpful suggestions that seemed to make sense。 It is not profound; not a deep treatment of the topic; and though written by a religious figure， is not overly religious。 I liked the title "。。。Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" and the way the concept is broken down in simple terms。 The chapter headings and categories were more useful than the examples and narrative。 It helped me。 I gave this book 4 stars， not for the writing - not well written - but for the one liners and helpful suggestions that seemed to make sense。 It is not profound; not a deep treatment of the topic; and though written by a religious figure， is not overly religious。 I liked the title "。。。Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" and the way the concept is broken down in simple terms。 The chapter headings and categories were more useful than the examples and narrative。 It helped me。 。。。more
Kim Hodges
，
Spiritual yet practical; deals with the tough questions and makes you realize how much we are all affected by unforgiveness and gives real insight on how much we need it。。。
Jackie
，
Some good advice but uses overly complex language for simple ideas。 Some sections feel unnecessary and are too lengthy。
Jennifer
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There were only two chapters that really applied to me。 The others were helpful when seeing life through other's perspectives。 There were only two chapters that really applied to me。 The others were helpful when seeing life through other's perspectives。 。。。more
Carole
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I read an article recently on forgiveness and this book was referenced several times so I decided to read this and delve deeper into the study of forgiveness。 It's interesting and worth reading for just about anyone， since the message of forgiveness is something we all need to hear， but a little repetitive。 I read an article recently on forgiveness and this book was referenced several times so I decided to read this and delve deeper into the study of forgiveness。 It's interesting and worth reading for just about anyone， since the message of forgiveness is something we all need to hear， but a little repetitive。 。。。more
glenda
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It helps me go deeper with all the hurts people experience。 A great read！
Judy
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Good food for thought
Leila
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"Nobody can make you forgive。 Only a free person can choose to live with an uneven score。 Only free people can choose to start over with someone who has hurt them。 Only a free person can live with accounts unsettled。 Only a free person can heal the memory of hurt and hate。When you forgive another person you are surprised at your own freedom to do what you did。 All the king's armies could not have forced you to do it。 You forgive in freedom and then you move on to greater freedom。 Freedom is stre "Nobody can make you forgive。 Only a free person can choose to live with an uneven score。 Only free people can choose to start over with someone who has hurt them。 Only a free person can live with accounts unsettled。 Only a free person can heal the memory of hurt and hate。When you forgive another person you are surprised at your own freedom to do what you did。 All the king's armies could not have forced you to do it。 You forgive in freedom and then you move on to greater freedom。 Freedom is strength; you now you have it when you have the power to forgive。" 。。。more
Deanna
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I found Forgive & Forget to be very insightful。 I came away from the book with far more understanding than when I started reading。 Coming away from this book as I did has provided me another level of peace and comfort。 Forgiveness is tricky business and I don't quite understand all the intricacies of it but I do understand the importance。 I also now have a better grasp of the emotions involved in this whole business of forgiveness。 One of the troubles of forgiveness is understanding where emotio I found Forgive & Forget to be very insightful。 I came away from the book with far more understanding than when I started reading。 Coming away from this book as I did has provided me another level of peace and comfort。 Forgiveness is tricky business and I don't quite understand all the intricacies of it but I do understand the importance。 I also now have a better grasp of the emotions involved in this whole business of forgiveness。 One of the troubles of forgiveness is understanding where emotions of wrongs felt and done fit into the act of forgiveness。 I have read some reviews where readers are dissatisfied to an extent because the book doesn't explain the "how to" of forgiveness。 While Forget & Forgive doesn't give you a step by step plan for how to forgive， I do believe the content's depth and the insightfulness gained gives a person the "how to" of forgiveness plan。 It's just not spelled out。 For me， this book validated thoughts and emotions along with helping me to start to release them in a healthy way。 Forgiveness， for some situations， may seem like the offender gets away with their bad deeds。 In truth， even if the offender is not remorseful， forgiveness sets free the offended。 I have heard that before but this book explained this process in a way that makes sense。 I now believe this to be true - to forgive is to gain freedom while not negating the depth of hurt or giving the offender a free pass per se。Not only was the content full of depth and insightfulness， the writing was incredibly engaging。 Seriously， I wrote many quotes down simply because of the words Lewis Smedes would use。 His word choices were down to earth and straight to the topic at hand while giving incredible thought provoking examples to illustrates his points。One of my favorite quotes。。。"Once we forgive and learn to swallow history's stinking garbage without throwing up， we condition ourselves to digest the worst the monsters of the future can force down our throats。" P。134（Note: the quote， when taken out of context， seems to imply a case against forgiveness when read in context he is not making this case。）I recommend this book for a better understanding regarding forgiveness; it dives into the emotions of it all。 For more understand for how to apologize and to understand ones apology language （which is important for the entire forgiveness proceeds） - I recommend the When Sorry Isn't Enough。Note: the copy I read of Forgive & Forget was a library copy。 This book's insightfulness， helpfulness and engaging writing prompted me to purchase a copy so that I can re-read various parts and highlight the many quotes and passages that struck me。 。。。more
Jessica
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Really great book！ Clear， concise， and relatable。 Smedes really hits the heart of the matter。 A necessity on any forgiveness journey。
Kendra
，
If you're looking for a formula for how to forgive， this isn't the book for you。 Smedes goes a bit deeper， allowing for unresolved questions， messy resolutions， and the ache of the human condition， while offering hope for a journey that moves forward， rather than staying stuck。 If you're looking for a formula for how to forgive， this isn't the book for you。 Smedes goes a bit deeper， allowing for unresolved questions， messy resolutions， and the ache of the human condition， while offering hope for a journey that moves forward， rather than staying stuck。 。。。more
Sarah
，
Lewis Smedes holds a lot of anger。 He has dealt with a lot in his past， but he should not be writing a book on forgiveness when it seems he has not truly grasped the concept himself。
tpg0
，
As an AI language model， I don't have the ability to read books。 However， "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" by Lewis B。 Smedes is a popular self-help book that provides a guide on how to overcome the negative emotions associated with being wronged and how to move towards forgiveness。 It offers practical advice on how to cope with hurtful situations， how to release anger， and how to let go of the past。 The book is well-received by readers and professionals alike and is recommended for those who are struggling with forgiveness or are interested in learning more about the topic。
tpg1
，
as your next reading recommendation？ Written by Lewis B。 Smedes， this book is a guide to understanding the power of forgiveness and how it can heal the hurts we experience in life。 The author shares personal stories， as well as insights from his experiences as a counselor and pastor， to illustrate how forgiveness can transform our lives。 Through his words， Smedes emphasizes that forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning the hurtful actions of others， but rather， it is a choice to let go of the pain and bitterness that hold us back from living a full and joyful life。 He provides practical advice for how to forgive， including ways to confront the person who hurt us， and offers guidance on how to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes。 This book is a powerful resource for anyone seeking to find healing and freedom from the pain of past hurts。 So， if you're looking for a book that will inspire and motivate you to let go of grudges and resentment and lead a happier life， 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve' is definitely worth checking out。
tpg2
，
As an AI language model， I am not capable of personal opinions or feelings， but I can provide you with a brief summary of the book 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve'。 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve' is a book written by Lewis B。 Smedes， a renowned theologian and professor。 The book delves into the importance of forgiveness in one's life， and how it can lead to healing and emotional growth。 Smedes emphasizes that forgiveness is not forgetting the wrongs done to us or condoning them， but rather， it is a process of letting go of the hurt and resentment that comes with holding a grudge。 He also explores different types of forgiveness， including forgiving oneself and extending forgiveness to others。 The book provides practical advice on how to forgive， including identifying our feelings， understanding the offender's perspective， and making a deliberate choice to forgive。 Throughout the book， Smedes provides real-life examples of people who have experienced forgiveness and how it has transformed their lives。 Overall， 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve' is a thoughtful and insightful guide that encourages readers to find peace through forgiveness。
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