Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy
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- Create Date：2022-11-02 09:51:35
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Jessica Fern
- ISBN：1914484959
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Summary
A practical translation of the principles of attachment theory to non-monogamous relationships。
Attachment theory has entered the mainstream， but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships。 What if， like many people， you’re striving for secure， happy attachments with more than one partner？
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual non-monogamy。 Using her nested model of attachment and trauma， she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships。 Then， she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships。
Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide。 It provides non-monogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships， and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory。
Attachment theory has entered the mainstream， but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships。 What if， like many people， you’re striving for secure， happy attachments with more than one partner？
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual non-monogamy。 Using her nested model of attachment and trauma， she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships。 Then， she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships。
Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide。 It provides non-monogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships， and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory。
Reviews
Julien
，
A useful book for laying out some of the basics of attachment theory and connecting it the spectrum of nonmonogamy in theory and practice。 Some of the writing didn't pull me along。Fern quotes herself and her talks a number of times in the book。 Fair enough， and especially as this is a field with （as Fern notes） a dearth of academic research， but I'd love to see her quoting others more。The back half of the book is more practical， with sets of questions/practices to work through at the end of each A useful book for laying out some of the basics of attachment theory and connecting it the spectrum of nonmonogamy in theory and practice。 Some of the writing didn't pull me along。Fern quotes herself and her talks a number of times in the book。 Fair enough， and especially as this is a field with （as Fern notes） a dearth of academic research， but I'd love to see her quoting others more。The back half of the book is more practical， with sets of questions/practices to work through at the end of each chapter。 。。。more
Cat
，
i'm not that into self-help so i skimmed through a lot of this， but found some principles helpful！ i'm not that into self-help so i skimmed through a lot of this， but found some principles helpful！ 。。。more
carmen！
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baby's first audiobook！ so maybe that impacted my impression。。。。。i learned a lot about attachment styles which was kind of interesting because i hadn't really heard of them before， but they are basically what they sound like from the names。 then i was so excited to hear about how they related to nonmonogamy but it turns out she mostly wanted to talk about the kind of nonmonogamy where you have a single primary partner who is the one you're committed to doing attachment styles with。 i wanted to h baby's first audiobook！ so maybe that impacted my impression。。。。。i learned a lot about attachment styles which was kind of interesting because i hadn't really heard of them before， but they are basically what they sound like from the names。 then i was so excited to hear about how they related to nonmonogamy but it turns out she mostly wanted to talk about the kind of nonmonogamy where you have a single primary partner who is the one you're committed to doing attachment styles with。 i wanted to hear more about the cases where there's not really a hierarchy。。。 。。。more
ash | spaceyreads
，
While there have been several landmark books on polyamory， such as The Ethical Slut and More Than Two， and while there have been books on using trauma and attachment theory to understand how to navigate a wide range of interpersonal relationships， including different types of monogamous relationships， there have not been books using trauma and attachment theory to navigate having multiple partners。Relationship self-help books centered around monogamy can be unhelpful as they， along with the rest While there have been several landmark books on polyamory， such as The Ethical Slut and More Than Two， and while there have been books on using trauma and attachment theory to understand how to navigate a wide range of interpersonal relationships， including different types of monogamous relationships， there have not been books using trauma and attachment theory to navigate having multiple partners。Relationship self-help books centered around monogamy can be unhelpful as they， along with the rest of the world， come from a mono-normative perspective that views non-monogamy – either as a lifestyle or an identity – as pathological behaviour stemming from insecure attachment。Polysecure skilfully dives into attachment styles through the lens of trauma， as a reflective practice to understand our needs， motivations， and behaviours， in relation to ourselves and potential or current non-monogamous practices。 It is a compulsively readable and accessible， while being short and concise。 Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist who works with non-monogamous clients and who practices non-monogamy herself， and she brings a wealth of experience that is both rich in theory and applicable in practice。While Fern strives to make the book accessible to lay readers， this book presumes that the reader already has some sort of reflective practice in their life， or at least are not resistant to reflection。 Fern invites you to reflect on your attachment styles and that of loved ones around you， and move towards secure attachment within yourself and with others for a fulfilling and thriving relationship。Besides the useful information， I appreciated the solidarity and the wisdom Fern and her clients have brought to the community。 The pathologising of identities， behaviours， and lifestyles different from the norm pervades the origins and current state of psychology。 Everyone should have the right to receive accurate， unbiased， and updated knowledge， free from a majority lens that doesn’t serve them， in order to make free and informed choices。 Fern’s book has been validating， eye-opening， and healing。 This was a long time coming and much needed！More reading:•tClementine Morrigan on trauma and polyamory•tThe Book on polyamory – More than Two•tThe book that started it all – The Ethical Slut•tJessica Fern’s upcoming second book in 2023 – PolywiseMy own notesFern critiques the prevailing assumption that healthy relationships are dyadic by in the field of attachment theory， and that behaviours out of the monogamous model is associated with insecure attachment styles。 She additionally proposes that monogamous relationships may rely on the relationship structure rather than secure attachment to function。I have to admit， part of me found the above gratifying。 I also want to point out （as the book touched on as well） that the instability of a non-monogamous relationship may not just be inherent in its nature， but is also because of the lack of social norms and models， community support and recognition， and legal and social benefits to act as foundational structures to help a relationship thrive， with the added difficulty of discrimination， state violence， and sometimes actual violence。 All of these should be taken into consideration before individualising the issue of instability of non-monogamous relationships。I also found her list of challenges that couples may face transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy （from her clients’ lived experiences） really helpful:•tResistance to the paradigm shift•tSkills that were enough for monogamy are not current enough for non-monogamy•tLack of healthy differentiation within the couple•tDifferences in how non-monogamy is seen and practiced by the couple ie。 one person may view non-monogamy as an identity and the other may merely practice it as a lifestyle•tAwakening of identity beyond non-monogamy – what Fern calls a crisis of deconstruction•tAttachment crisisI found the fourth and fifth point really interesting and it’s a shame that Fern did not dive into them。 The book did not cover much ground at all on them。 On the fifth point， I do resonate with it。 I find it hard to untangle my feelings and motivations to pursue a non-monogamy identity and lifestyle from other parts of who I am， some of which I am already aware of， others of which are rapidly being made known to me – my queerness as a commitment of how to love and as a political stance， my avoidant attachment style which makes it relatively easy （at first， at least） to detach myself from my pals and （potential） metamours， my strong feelings against traditional， nuclear， heterosexual families stemming from feminist perspectives and personal trauma history， the realisation that the gendered way I have sex with my current partner is socially conditioned and also a way to cope with past sexual assault experiences （of no fault of his）， and that I would like no longer to relate to my body and loved ones that way， and a deep desire to never stay still。 I think I consider that a crisis of deconstruction。I also found the idea of healthy， porous， and rigid boundaries helpful， however， I find that I would need the help of a therapist to apply it to my life。 A therapist had told me before that my boundaries should be flexible in the right ways， and said it was a lifelong process to find that balance。Lastly， I found the HEARTS framework practical， easy to understand， and helpful。 Because I trust in Fern's expertise and I know that this was developed from the lived experiences of others as well as literature， I am going to give it a try and apply it to my life。 Wish me luck！ 。。。more
Mark
，
Necessary reading。If you’re non-monamorous or are considering it， please do yourself a favor and read this。
Adnan
，
This book starts off by delving into attachment theory in great detail before really tackling consensual nonmonogamy。 For readers who are purely interested in learning about nonmonogamy， the beginning chapters may feel like a slog to get through， but I personally found them helpful and necessary for following along with what Fern sets out to do: to help people cultivate and maintain secure attachments in multiple relationships。 While the emphasis may be on nonmonogamous relationships， people who This book starts off by delving into attachment theory in great detail before really tackling consensual nonmonogamy。 For readers who are purely interested in learning about nonmonogamy， the beginning chapters may feel like a slog to get through， but I personally found them helpful and necessary for following along with what Fern sets out to do: to help people cultivate and maintain secure attachments in multiple relationships。 While the emphasis may be on nonmonogamous relationships， people who are strictly monogamists also have plenty to gain from reading this text。 Coming to an understanding about the different attachment styles， how to become more secure （as Fern points out， attachment styles are not static！）， the various reasons one may choose to practice nonmonogamy， and the personal insecurities that monogamy may shroud is a challenge that I encourage anyone to undertake。I can’t imagine a better introduction into the world of nonmonogamy than this text。 A key takeaway is the idea of thinking of relationships in two dimensions: sex exclusivity and emotional exclusivity。 Being able to visualize where on this plane I fall and finding out which of the many descriptions that Fern offers resonates the most with me compelled me to think about myself and what I want out of relationships in ways that have not occurred to me before。 However， as Fern herself alludes to， there is a degree of breadth over depth in some of the topics covered。 I am personally intrigued by some of the philosophical notions raised concerning monogamy， such as its relationship with capitalism and its connection to patriarchy， but I find myself yearning for more discourse on these subjects than this text is able to provide。 I’m not upset about this， as the point of this book is to be more of a practical guide to nonmonogamy than a work of theory， but ultimately what this means for me and potentially other readers is that there is a good amount of continued reading to be had after finishing this book。 。。。more
Rabbit
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Strikes the right balance for informational nonfiction: Neither pretentious nor overly conversational， focused， well-structured， and exactly as long as it needed to be—sufficiently explanatory without overstaying its welcome。 Contains tools and frameworks that simply haven’t been compiled， written down， and successfully argued to date。 Overall， excellent。
Emily Colby
，
This was extremely useful， especially the section on attachment and the section on polysecurity。 I recommend it to anyone who wants to strengthen their relationships， monogamous， polyamorous， or otherwise。
Kaidyn
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just as helpful on a reread， though i wish the section dedicated to building support systems within yourself was a bit more expansive
Juniper
，
Polysecure spends perhaps too much time on setup and not enough on the payoff of forming secure attachments in polyamorous relationships。 There are about 90 pages describing attachment theory and 60 describing polyamory。 Once Fern arrives at the synthesis of the two， we get fewer than 40 pages actually covering secure polyamorous attachment。 Fern spends almost as much time （30 pages） covering secure attachment with the self。 If you already have a decent understanding of attachment theory or poly Polysecure spends perhaps too much time on setup and not enough on the payoff of forming secure attachments in polyamorous relationships。 There are about 90 pages describing attachment theory and 60 describing polyamory。 Once Fern arrives at the synthesis of the two， we get fewer than 40 pages actually covering secure polyamorous attachment。 Fern spends almost as much time （30 pages） covering secure attachment with the self。 If you already have a decent understanding of attachment theory or polyamory， you can skip their respective sections without loss。 I understand the need to define the foundations of the work that it might be more accessible to new readers， but I found the balance of setup and payoff poorly weighted。That could well be made up for by an excellent payoff， but this simply didn't do it for me。 There's really only one chapter of ten about building secure attachments in polyamorous relationships， and much of the advice I found borders on the banal。 Fern gives us five major things required for secure functioning。 Essentially， they are: be present with your partner（s）， let them know why they're important to you， try to understand their feelings， do special things with them， and try to repair relational damage。 I absolutely didn't need to read this book to know "when our partners are unavailable， unresponsive or mentally elsewhere， attachment insecurity can arise， feeding the fears and doubts that we are not valued， loved or worthy，" and find the advice of "put your phone down" when you're trying to be present with your partner to be so painfully obvious as to not need over a full page of explaining。 There are good nuggets in here as well as useful reminders and potential illumination of blind spots， but on the whole， the synthesis of ideas that is the point of the book is not nearly as deep or insightful as I had hoped。The other major gripe I have is the inclusion and suggestion of such silliness as the Five Love Languages and Myers-Briggs types which is very disappointing for a book trying to root itself in psychological science。Overall Polysecure delivers what it promises， but I found the balance off， the payoff underwhelming， and the inclusion of pseudoscience distracting if not discrediting。 。。。more
ibach
，
LOVE IT！ Practical， accessible and writeen with lots of examples and thought。
Lex Rubey
，
I think this book is probably be more helpful as a physical copy （I listened to the audio book） because of the charts and “workbook” type questions and activities。 Very helpful and reassuring， poses great self-reflection questions and real suggestions to implement into relationships。 Whether you’re in a poly relationship or not I think this book is great to read if you’re in any relationship。 It definitely redefined what I thought a relationship was and could be， outside of the monogamy-normativ I think this book is probably be more helpful as a physical copy （I listened to the audio book） because of the charts and “workbook” type questions and activities。 Very helpful and reassuring， poses great self-reflection questions and real suggestions to implement into relationships。 Whether you’re in a poly relationship or not I think this book is great to read if you’re in any relationship。 It definitely redefined what I thought a relationship was and could be， outside of the monogamy-normativity。 。。。more
Jessica
，
This book gave me one of the biggest “aha” moments I have ever had in relation to my understanding of myself and my past。 The entire section about “earned secure attachment” and learning to be securely attached TO YOURSELF was revolutionary to my brain。 I highly recommend this book， even if you are monogamous。
Ariel ✨
，
I knew more about attachment theory than I thought。 If you do not want an overview of the theory and research， skip to chapter 4。 Take what you think will serve you， leave anything that may not agree with your relationship goals。
Maroen
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Thought provoking， worth a re-readStructured in two parts - Attachment theory and background on non-monogamous relationships。 Concepts are explained clearly， helps to reflect on yourself
nhu
，
a very informative book about nonmonogamous attachment， how our ability to form secure attachments is informed by our childhood experiences and relationships with our primary caregivers， and what steps we can take to heal from the painful experiences we had as children to be able to form more secure attachments with ourselves and others。 would recommend！
Sydney
，
I think this is essential reading （and for people of all relationship structures！） I say this as someone who was not a fan of attachment theory before。 However， Fern presents attachment theory as an empathetic tool and not as essentializing or pathologizing。 I really resonated with how Fern talks about how cultural values， communities， and systematic oppression can impact attachment。
Nina Mcdaniel
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One of the best descriptions of attachment styles I’ve come across。 The last chapter on building secure attachment to self is excellent。 This book feels a little more theoretical than practical。
Al
，
Integral book for anyone considering non-monogamy， as well as anyone who wants to better understand how attachment and trauma show up in our intimate relationships。 The author works with clients practicing non monogamy and also practices it personally so it reads like it's rooted in extensive experience。 I see myself returning to this again and again as a valuable resource。 Integral book for anyone considering non-monogamy， as well as anyone who wants to better understand how attachment and trauma show up in our intimate relationships。 The author works with clients practicing non monogamy and also practices it personally so it reads like it's rooted in extensive experience。 I see myself returning to this again and again as a valuable resource。 。。。more
Hind
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This book is mostly about attachment theory， and does a good job at that
Becky Keen
，
Fantastic book whether you are polyamarous or not。
Christian
，
Great introduction to both attachment theory and consensual non monogamy with the added bonus of demonstrating how to have secure relationships in polyamory。 Provides thorough explanations and examples and posits important questions to determine what your attachment style is， how your view your relationships and what you would like to get out of them。
Maiya Hotchkiss
，
My new favorite CNM book！
Miguel Abreu
，
Amazing book to know more about the development of attachments you can identify in yourself and closed ones you are having a relationship with。 How to work out difficulties and develop you way interactions with the loved ones。 To know how much love we can give， can give you power to know how much you can love yourself as well。
Elise
，
Polysecure was incredibly helpful and informative in so many ways。 Fern's chapters on attachment theory are clear and easy to understand， I would recommend this book for anyone interested in learning about attachment theory regardless of their relationship orientation。 But her work on the intersections of attachment theory， trauma， and non-monogamy was so fresh from anything I've read before and so much of it resonated in ways that I can carry out into my life。 For anyone who hasn't yet seen the Polysecure was incredibly helpful and informative in so many ways。 Fern's chapters on attachment theory are clear and easy to understand， I would recommend this book for anyone interested in learning about attachment theory regardless of their relationship orientation。 But her work on the intersections of attachment theory， trauma， and non-monogamy was so fresh from anything I've read before and so much of it resonated in ways that I can carry out into my life。 For anyone who hasn't yet seen themselves in work on these concepts， this book could be life-changing。 。。。more
Ash
，
I loved this and found it super helpful for thinking about relationships of all kinds！ I'd recommend it for non-monogamous AND monogamous people because there is so much valuable insight on attachment theory， how trauma and early life experiences shape our attachment styles， and also how to cultivate secure relationships of all kinds。 It gave me a new language for talking about my patterns， wants， and needs as well as really helpful tools for making sense of past relationships。 I loved this and found it super helpful for thinking about relationships of all kinds！ I'd recommend it for non-monogamous AND monogamous people because there is so much valuable insight on attachment theory， how trauma and early life experiences shape our attachment styles， and also how to cultivate secure relationships of all kinds。 It gave me a new language for talking about my patterns， wants， and needs as well as really helpful tools for making sense of past relationships。 。。。more
Captain Whitehawk
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Another book I need to immediately get a personal copy of， lol。So this book is written by a bisexual therapist who specializes in couples therapy， particularly "couples" of the polyamorous/non-monogamous variety。 Technically， this book is about polyamory in all its many flavors （and there ARE many flavors， in case you didn't know）， talking about common issues that arise in these relationships， and what one might do to fix said issues and improve upon these polyamorous relationships， particularly Another book I need to immediately get a personal copy of， lol。So this book is written by a bisexual therapist who specializes in couples therapy， particularly "couples" of the polyamorous/non-monogamous variety。 Technically， this book is about polyamory in all its many flavors （and there ARE many flavors， in case you didn't know）， talking about common issues that arise in these relationships， and what one might do to fix said issues and improve upon these polyamorous relationships， particularly in the attachment realm。 It also contains all the valuable insights that the author has learned with her clients in her many years of conducting therapy， which are always interesting and thought-provoking， and the book expands on non-monogamous concepts and proposed structures （both therapeutic and philosophical） that were popularized in other non-monogamous books of the past 40 years， offering critique & expansion。 There's not that many books out there on non-monogamy and this one's incredible， but if all THAT isn't enough to intrigue you， consider also that there's a fat twenty pages at the end that function as an index and citation list， if you're looking for a book that's easy to pop through while looking advice on specific relationship issues， or a list of related readings on non-monogamy。 But none of that is why I like this book so much （though I *am* a slut for a good index and I'll never turn down a sexy citation list。） This book does a fantastic job of talking about attachment needs and attachment ruptures in a way that whittles them down to their bare essentials and their functions。 Polysecure does this so well in fact that I felt almost all the chapters were universal in some way， shape， or form to all relationships， from friendships to monogamous relationships to the non-monogamous variations that this book is centered on。 This was very much a "wall-staring" book for me （which is to say that I had to stop frequently to stare at the wall while reading it， as it was too intriguing to digest quickly and without breaks） and it taught me a shit ton about myself， particularly about what sort of thing would prompt me to move towards or away from another person in an attachment sense。 Which I mean--if you're this deep in the therapy book/self-help or whatever genre， you probably already know your attachment style， but the articles that lay out attachment styles don't do a great job of laying out examples of what might prompt adult attachment ruptures like Polysecure does， and definitely not in an easily-understood manner。 And you can get bet your SWEET CHEEKS that those same articles won't have sections containing reflection questions concerning yourself， your partners， and your relationships， with analysis on where you might go from there based on your answers， NOR will they teach you how to improve and repair your attachments with other people。 This book felt like several months of good therapy。If you have any kind of bias or squick towards the concept of polyamory or non-monogamy， then Polysecure might be too much for you as it's incredibly candid on the topic。 But honestly this book is so damn thoughtful and well-written on the topic of relationships （coming from the perspective of relationship therapy） that I feel like anyone could get something out of it， non-monogamous or otherwise。 What immediately occurred to me is that anyone dealing with attachment issues as they relate to， say， PTSD or unfortunate childhoods or just social issues in general could also benefit from Polysecure， as Polysecure asks you to get very familiar with noticing what events and dynamics increase relational anxiety & instability。 I will definitely be making a reference book out of my copy when it arrives。 。。。more
Steve Schmitt
，
I heard about this book several years ago and didn't really think I would get much from it， but decided to give it a go， and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised。 The main focus of the book is on different attachment styles we have and how those attachment styles can control the different relationships we have in our lives。 I think most of us know that what happens to us as children can have a profound affect on how we act as adults， but this book better explains how the relationships w I heard about this book several years ago and didn't really think I would get much from it， but decided to give it a go， and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised。 The main focus of the book is on different attachment styles we have and how those attachment styles can control the different relationships we have in our lives。 I think most of us know that what happens to us as children can have a profound affect on how we act as adults， but this book better explains how the relationships we form in our youth， and how those relationships grow， change， evolve or devolve can have lasting ramifications on us later in life。 Being a counselor that works with polyamorous people， and being poly herself the author relates these attachment events to those types of relationships。 She shows how people in all types of relationship styles can be successful despite what attachment they had growing up as long as they are willing to do the work。 She also provides a great amount of advice and examples of how to find secure attachments and how to work toward secure attachments in all relationships。 The book was a little hard for me to get through and took longer than normal for a myriad of reasons but partly because it was clinical in some areas and seemed a little more academic than the memories I've been reading through out the year。 Still it was interesting， and its another example of something I probably wouldn't have ever picked up if I wasn't being purposeful about reading outside my norm and for that I am grateful。 。。。more
Asta
，
An awesome read for anyone， whether they are poly， mono or undecided。 Definitely one of the better self-help books out there， but I would also recommend it to all mental health professionals who feel uncertain about the subject。
Piyali Mukherjee
，