The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work

The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work

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  • Create Date:2022-10-13 05:52:48
  • Update Date:2025-09-06
  • Status:finish
  • Author:Eli J. Finkel
  • ISBN:1101984341
  • Environment:PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle

Summary

After years of debate and inquiry, the key to a great marriage remained shrouded in mystery。 Until now。。。--Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Eli J。 Finkel's insightful and ground-breaking investigation of marriage clearly shows that the best marriages today are better than the best marriages of earlier eras。 Indeed, they are the best marriages the world has ever known。 He presents his findings here for the first time in this lucid, inspiring guide to modern marital bliss。

The All-or-Nothing Marriage reverse engineers fulfilling marriages--from the traditional to the utterly nontraditional--and shows how any marriage can be better。

The primary function of marriage from 1620 to 1850 was food, shelter, and protection from violence; from 1850 to 1965, the purpose revolved around love and companionship。 But today, a new kind of marriage has emerged, one oriented toward self-discover, self-esteem, and personal growth。 Finkel combines cutting-edge scientific research with practical advice; he considers paths to better communication and responsiveness; he offers guidance on when to recalibrate our expectations; and he even introduces a set of must-try lovehacks。

This is a book for the newlywed to the empty nester, for those thinking about getting married or remarried, and for anyone looking for illuminating advice that will make a real difference to getting the most out of marriage today。

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Reviews

Rachel Shields Ebersole

Having gone into this expecting an academic book, I'd say it was a good read。 Some of the social theory and history was very basic, but overall pretty interesting。 The "love hacks" are quite practical -- worth reading just for that! Having gone into this expecting an academic book, I'd say it was a good read。 Some of the social theory and history was very basic, but overall pretty interesting。 The "love hacks" are quite practical -- worth reading just for that! 。。。more

Linden

Rec by DCJ

Ritinha

Vale pela selecção de estatísticas e sua análise。 Pena que seja apenas sobre a realidade dos EUA。

Courtney

Warning—-The history was interesting。 But there wasn’t much applicable content。 The suggestions on extramarital affairs, masturbation and porn were off putting。

JenniferForsyth

This book is about the history and evolution of marriage in the US。 It had some "hacks" and tips towards the end。The statistics were interesting。Examples of celebrity marriages, TV show and movie plots were used as attempts to illustrate the statistics around the history of marriage and the hallmarks of different types of marriage。 This was not compelling for me。There were too many of those examples and not enough "practical advice for immediate action as well as long-term strategies"。The strate This book is about the history and evolution of marriage in the US。 It had some "hacks" and tips towards the end。The statistics were interesting。Examples of celebrity marriages, TV show and movie plots were used as attempts to illustrate the statistics around the history of marriage and the hallmarks of different types of marriage。 This was not compelling for me。There were too many of those examples and not enough "practical advice for immediate action as well as long-term strategies"。The strategies and hacks were not clearly connected to each type of marriage and the statistics presented and this made the book disjointed and the hacks seem random and not compelling since they weren't directly paired with the data from the other section。 。。。more

Salsabeel

The typical marriage today looks a lot different than it did just a few generations ago。 People no longer get married solely to ensure their prosperity。 These days, marriage is a matter of getting our higher needs met, those of personal development, self-expression and love。 Such relationships require a lot of time, attention and dedication。Look for a partner who encourages your self-expression。Legendary musician John Lennon’s first marriage was to Cynthia Powell, but as he moved more into the l The typical marriage today looks a lot different than it did just a few generations ago。 People no longer get married solely to ensure their prosperity。 These days, marriage is a matter of getting our higher needs met, those of personal development, self-expression and love。 Such relationships require a lot of time, attention and dedication。Look for a partner who encourages your self-expression。Legendary musician John Lennon’s first marriage was to Cynthia Powell, but as he moved more into the lifestyle of art and self-expression, the marriage didn’t last。 But he got what he needed in his second marriage to Yoko Ono, a contemporary artist in her own right。 She encouraged his self-expression, and together they formed a strong partnership。 Similarly, to strengthen your relationship, find out what your partner’s dreams and aspirations are and provide support for their pursuit of them。 。。。more

Liz

The book is about half a history of marriage and half guidance for improving one's own marriage utilizing psychology research on the topic。 It definitely introduced me to new perspectives and some of the metaphors he uses for what he's talking about (e。g。 the peak of "Mount Maslow") are catchy -- I can see myself thinking back to them when thinking through my own relationship or referencing them with my partner。 My main criticism is just that the book is really for a certain audience -- upper mi The book is about half a history of marriage and half guidance for improving one's own marriage utilizing psychology research on the topic。 It definitely introduced me to new perspectives and some of the metaphors he uses for what he's talking about (e。g。 the peak of "Mount Maslow") are catchy -- I can see myself thinking back to them when thinking through my own relationship or referencing them with my partner。 My main criticism is just that the book is really for a certain audience -- upper middle class (or, like, professional, managerial class) people who have or plan to have children。 In some chapters, he speaks more inclusively of marriages that don't revolve around kids, but you really get the sense that his theory is developed around a particular experience where 2 accomplished professionals decide to have 2。5 kids, his own experience。 And then a major weak point is the one chapter where he acknowledges that the trajectory of marriage he is describing only holds true for the wealthier and more educated portion of the country。 He seems to assume (perhaps correctly) that low income people are not his audience, so it feels more like he's talking about them than to them。 However, even though I'm not planning to have kids and am not a lawyer or CEO, I got something out of it。 I'd recommend reading it with your partner! 。。。more

Elizabeth

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Dani Toleno

Read this for class。 I’m not married though。

Sarah Eisenman

Read this for Prof。 Finkel's relationship science class and really enjoyed it! Read this for Prof。 Finkel's relationship science class and really enjoyed it! 。。。more

Jocelyn Joubert

I enjoyed reading this。 It does lean rather pop psychology because of its lack of deep historical insight。 I find it interesting how heavy Finkel emphasizes Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs which is in contrast with how Gottman views relationships。 He makes the argument for pursuing the higher levels of your needs with your partner and to ask less of your partner when it comes to meeting your needs lower on the higherarchy because all of those needs, historically and prehistorically, were met by your I enjoyed reading this。 It does lean rather pop psychology because of its lack of deep historical insight。 I find it interesting how heavy Finkel emphasizes Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs which is in contrast with how Gottman views relationships。 He makes the argument for pursuing the higher levels of your needs with your partner and to ask less of your partner when it comes to meeting your needs lower on the higherarchy because all of those needs, historically and prehistorically, were met by your community of 50 to 150 people。 There are good tips for improving your marriage like reframing your partner and turning towards your partner when they make a bid for love。 I would recommend reading if you're into this topic。 。。。more

Cami

“Many marriages ultimately dissolve, of course, but there’s no compelling evidence that people bolt as soon as things get difficult。 On the contrary, it’s precisely when things get difficult that many of us redouble our efforts to strengthen our relationship, either by engaging in effortful relationship-maintenance activities or by recalibrating our expectations。”

Dorothy Greco

I read a lot of marriage books。 Like a lot。 I really enjoyed the first 3/4 of this book。 Terrific insights based on relevant studies。 But then it took a bizarre turn as so many marriage books do when they talk about sex。 After offering so much wisdom, almost all of which is backed by his or other folks' studies, Finkel makes some rather unorthodox suggestions such as inviting your neighbor over for sex, trying out a polyamorous grouping, or watching pornography together。 I'm perplexed。 Is this b I read a lot of marriage books。 Like a lot。 I really enjoyed the first 3/4 of this book。 Terrific insights based on relevant studies。 But then it took a bizarre turn as so many marriage books do when they talk about sex。 After offering so much wisdom, almost all of which is backed by his or other folks' studies, Finkel makes some rather unorthodox suggestions such as inviting your neighbor over for sex, trying out a polyamorous grouping, or watching pornography together。 I'm perplexed。 Is this book supposed to be help married couples improve and strengthen their marriages or not? Obviously, people should be free to do whatever they want with their bodies。 But there's absolutely no data that suggests, for example, using pornography or engaging in VR sex or outsourcing/creating a diversified portfolio (his terms) will help your marriage to thrive。 You know why? Because they won't。 Sure, do it if that's what you like but then don't complain or wonder why your marriage isn't thriving。 Fidelity is one of the characteristics that sets marriage apart from other relationships。 Here's my advice: Want to spend your life with multiple partners or enjoy occasional hookups? Great。 Don't get married。 First two-thirds of the book would be 4 stars。 Last third, zero。 SMH。 。。。more

Ashlyn Goold

Finzel begins his book by uncovering how and why the perception of marriage has changed over time。 Historically, marriage was focused on fulfilling basic needs such as safety and survival。 As technology makes fulfilling these needs easier, individuals seek higher needs like belonging, esteem, and self-actualization。 Finzel equates pursuing these higher needs to climbing a mountain。 In order to reach higher altitudes, greater oxygenation is required。 Finzel gives clear suggestions in Chapters 8-1 Finzel begins his book by uncovering how and why the perception of marriage has changed over time。 Historically, marriage was focused on fulfilling basic needs such as safety and survival。 As technology makes fulfilling these needs easier, individuals seek higher needs like belonging, esteem, and self-actualization。 Finzel equates pursuing these higher needs to climbing a mountain。 In order to reach higher altitudes, greater oxygenation is required。 Finzel gives clear suggestions in Chapters 8-12 of how to provide a marriage with more oxygen。 His suggestions include creating quality time for each other, practicing gratitude, evaluating the expectations placed on marriage, and seeing conflicts as opportunities for growth rather than signs of incompatibility。 I didn’t resonate with some of his suggestions for unburdening the marital relationship (consensual nonmonogamy) but was overall inspired to invest more time in my marriage! 。。。more

Lyndsy Richie

2。5 rounded up to 3 - nothing new to report here and not a great audio book

Grace

If you're married and I talk to you in the next 6 weeks, I will probably talk to you about this book。 I really liked it (just ask the stars)。 It was pragmatic, scientific, personal, and positive, with just enough graphs, studies, personal anecdotes, and pop culture references to keep me on my toes。 When I went back to finish it after being married for 3 months, I thought it was too late for me, because I was already trapped, but the truth is, this is a book for people who are trapped! Like any g If you're married and I talk to you in the next 6 weeks, I will probably talk to you about this book。 I really liked it (just ask the stars)。 It was pragmatic, scientific, personal, and positive, with just enough graphs, studies, personal anecdotes, and pop culture references to keep me on my toes。 When I went back to finish it after being married for 3 months, I thought it was too late for me, because I was already trapped, but the truth is, this is a book for people who are trapped! Like any good counseling, it has tools you can apply at any stage of life, and the author even tiers these ones according to what stage a relationship is in。 I think my favorite part was that it didn't focus on any typical marital issues (besides naming them for reference), but was oriented around tangible solutions。 I also loved reading about the history of marriage in western civilization。 It was helpful for me in understanding my own place in all of it。 I am a sucker for an explainer-type, how-to book about social science, though。 。。。more

Mariko

An interesting read, very thorough。 The beginning was a bit slow, but informative as it explained the history of Americans' attitudes towards marriage。 I liked that it ended with three levels of tips。 An interesting read, very thorough。 The beginning was a bit slow, but informative as it explained the history of Americans' attitudes towards marriage。 I liked that it ended with three levels of tips。 。。。more

Joshua

Nothing original。Read Sue Johnson, Jon Gottman or other primary researchers。

Ramiro Diaz

Just 2 pages on compatibility?!I just got the book but at a glance I can appreciate the introduction of some simple graphs (not many, but some is better than cero graphs)。 helps the ADHD croud that wants to improve。 Also, 2 pages on compatibility?! heck, I know maybe (probably) the target market is people who are already married but perhaps it would be good to not hurry it up and include more than just two comments on compatibility so that there is at least a reference for people that are single Just 2 pages on compatibility?!I just got the book but at a glance I can appreciate the introduction of some simple graphs (not many, but some is better than cero graphs)。 helps the ADHD croud that wants to improve。 Also, 2 pages on compatibility?! heck, I know maybe (probably) the target market is people who are already married but perhaps it would be good to not hurry it up and include more than just two comments on compatibility so that there is at least a reference for people that are single or single and looking to find a relationship/s。 There is just a lot that people could use to inform their marriage on metrics and theory of personality, mental disorders, culture, upbringing, life experiences, aptitude, intelligences, etc。 People deserve to at least be referred to an index on theory of compatibility。 The two pages on compatibility are basically comments by two people: a psychologist saying a person might just simply lack sufficient motivation and ability, Oh, ok。 And another saying change might bring more but also might bring less compatibility。 everything is possible。 It is an important comment but what do we do with that? How are we supposed to measure motivation and ability, based on feeling, based on hope or based on google searches?? And then the concept of more or less close / compatible which I really like, but the author is a little too robotic in the way he expresses his offered advice。 He basically says here it is, option 1: partner may relinquish incompatible goals, option 2: one or both partners may try to become better at achieving the goal without help from partner, and 3: partner/s might continue to pursue goal but with a different person。 Yes, the self help part starts with chapter 8 (pg。 171) and ends in pg。 269。 So that is 98 pages。 270 to 329 are nicely formatted notes to help find the concepts from the book and the direct reference if you want to google or get the sources。 And then 5 nice blank pages for the ones that would write notes in the book。 I would suggest buying a dedicated notebook if you want to impress your parter and make some real nice notes to meditate and study the book。 I really like what I see in the 98 pages of actual non-history part。 I really like the Partisanship and Truth comment in the preface。 I totally agree, we now live in a harsh environment for family life, America lacks family-friendly policies and I would have added the huge crime of the current failed housing situation。 How are you supposed to have a successful relationship, much less a healthy family life when you can't even afford rent? when you work 2-3 jobs?How are you supposed to put in those 33。5 additional hours that a newborn brings。 It is said that once you have kids your life is not yours anymore (and that is already a wrong unhealthy boundary already) but there is no doubt in my mind that for the majority life was already not theirs: It was for the system。 。。。more

Genevieve Rosselot

I read this book after having heard the author on a podcast。 I quite enjoyed the history / evolution of modern marriage which took up a large portion of this book and the few antidotes author included。 That said other parts read like a text book。

Lois Sayrs

Why non-fiction is my favorite genre。 Both the scholarship and readability are excellent。 Highly recommend!

Hallie

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love。 It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person。” ― W。 Somerset MaughamI believe I went into this book with "Mount Maslow" expectations, and that's why my takeaway is so poor。 That, or false advertising。 I read this so you didn't have to。 Here is the whole book, summed up in the most useful advice。 About 30 minutes in (I listened to this) Finkel brings up what will be his motif for the whole of the boo “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love。 It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person。” ― W。 Somerset MaughamI believe I went into this book with "Mount Maslow" expectations, and that's why my takeaway is so poor。 That, or false advertising。 I read this so you didn't have to。 Here is the whole book, summed up in the most useful advice。 About 30 minutes in (I listened to this) Finkel brings up what will be his motif for the whole of the book, that I actually find interesting: mapping Maslow's hierarchy of needs (physiological needs, safety needs, belonging and love, esteem needs, self actualization) to the needs of marriage。 He makes the analogy that marriage is a mountain, so you need more oxygenation (aka: nurturing, psychological needs) to survive at the summit。 But if partner can't provide, marriage will suffocate。 It is not that we have shifted to a wanting-everything-from-our spouse-marriage。 For example, we no longer (typically) look to our spouse for the "low altitude" needs of physical safety, how couples would have when a man ran the farm and built their house。 Now, we have those trappings of life, so we focus on wanting high-altitude needs from our partner。 We are not asking for more in quantity, just in quality。His downfall is that he doesn't just say that。 He spends 2 hours talking about the history of couples in the United States, which isn't what this book is marketed as。 I picked it up to learn how the best marriages work, not how we got to love being the primary driver of marriage。 (He cites Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy or How Love Conquered Marriage at LENGTH。) That said, there are a few other interesting tidbits, which is why I kept on listening and this earned a 2 rather than a 1 or a DNF。 He points out, for example, Michelangelo's view of sculpting: Sculptors do not create a piece from nothing, rather release the existing piece from the rock。 Marriage can be treated the same, by letting a better person out, and sculpting your partner to their more authentic self over time。 However, in other non-American societies, there are multiple sculptors, and the primary sculptor is not necessarily the spouse。 Not so, in America。 And though it should make you roll your eyes, it doesn't — he brings up the most famous celebrity couple: Brangelina。 He notes that Jolie and Pitt both had interested that helped them become their self-actualized selves, but they had interests that took them across the world, but not together, or in similar directions。 He points out here that while they were in reach of Mount Maslow, the strongest marriages do this one thing: you have to temporarily descend to survive。 You can't live at the summit of self-actualization。 What does this mean? Lower your expectations for what the marriage can provide for you in that moment。 If you are going through terrible financial hardship, you can't stand on your lower levels, because they aren't stable。 But you also can't focus on just the mount — your view will be myopic and your reality won't match up with your high expectations, which will cause you distress。Overall, here's what I learned from this book:Your partner can help you become your highest, self-actualized self, but if that's all you focus on, you won't get there。 Lower your expectations and focus on the mid-mountain (the journey), and the mount will come。 。。。more

Stephen

A book that describes the evolution of marriage and the change in the mindset and expectations of both men and women from a married life。 An easy to read book with some advise on what would work while still exploring some fringe ideas。 Key takeaways,~ a happy marriage requires time and attention~ monogamous relationship is not only possible but favourable~ rely not only on your partner for personal growth but your extended family, friends and colleagues

Tanya

Read the book as I try to go through popular science books written by fellow b-school scholars。 The history part was interesting to me (as someone who hasn't systematically viewed the change of individual pursuits within intimate relationships due to other social and economic changes)。 The "love hack" section was quite plain and can be summarized as "rationalize your way out of immediate reactions"。 Read the book as I try to go through popular science books written by fellow b-school scholars。 The history part was interesting to me (as someone who hasn't systematically viewed the change of individual pursuits within intimate relationships due to other social and economic changes)。 The "love hack" section was quite plain and can be summarized as "rationalize your way out of immediate reactions"。 。。。more

Manal Alrfooh

A good book to have an idea about how marital relationship evolved throughout time, and by time I mean decades and centuries。 The book investigates also the causes behind all the changes that marriage is affected by。 It was a bit disappointing sometimes to know how things work in marriage, and what to expect from it。 However, I found the book quite informative and I really liked the charts included。

Chi-Chi

A good 2/3rds of this book was devoted to parenting an overview of the history of marriage through the years and how it has changed in terms of our expectations of marriage。 At least here in the West。 I picked it up hoping for some insight, tools and strategies for strengthening a marriage and did not find much in the way of that。 Not that there are no strategies pretentious。 It's just that none of the strategies presented were new to me and if you follow the work of Esther Perel and the Gottman A good 2/3rds of this book was devoted to parenting an overview of the history of marriage through the years and how it has changed in terms of our expectations of marriage。 At least here in the West。 I picked it up hoping for some insight, tools and strategies for strengthening a marriage and did not find much in the way of that。 Not that there are no strategies pretentious。 It's just that none of the strategies presented were new to me and if you follow the work of Esther Perel and the Gottman Institute, you too will have heard pretty much everything in this book before。 。。。more

Rick Sam

Contrary to most readers, I write with an atypical view。 I grew up in Tamil Nadu, India。 Often, I compare Tamil Nadu and West, seeking evidences to come up with insights, conclusions。 My narrative of Marriage comes from Tamil Nadu, India which is at odds with Western World。 1。 How is at odds? From One of the many points, Marriage is a display of family honor [Tamil-Nadu] Marriage is a personal choice or private matter [West] Therefore, I took a journey to discover differences。 2。 Who would y Contrary to most readers, I write with an atypical view。 I grew up in Tamil Nadu, India。 Often, I compare Tamil Nadu and West, seeking evidences to come up with insights, conclusions。 My narrative of Marriage comes from Tamil Nadu, India which is at odds with Western World。 1。 How is at odds? From One of the many points, Marriage is a display of family honor [Tamil-Nadu] Marriage is a personal choice or private matter [West] Therefore, I took a journey to discover differences。 2。 Who would you recommend this work? Mostly to casual readers, anyone who want to know mainstream culture of America。 Does not apply to non-Western Culture,Majority of World's population。 3。 So, Would this be relevant to Tamil People? No 4。 What are my own thoughts on this work? Before you read this work, ask the following questions Western Culture: 1。 What is the goal of your life? 2。 How would you define success? 3。 What does a meaningful life look for you? Tamil Culture: 1。 What is the goal of your family?2。 How does your family define success? 3。 How does a meaningful life look for your family? While back, a Stanford B。S in Computer Science Educated CEO from Bangalore, said, his goal in life is to optimize everything, tweak his entire life for maximum output = Money Would you agree with him? For him, marriage is a way to optimize his life, like an algorithm。 So, I'd label his view of marriage as, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage" devoid of meta-narratives。 Growing up in Tirunelveli, Tamil Nadu, India; The narrative of Marriage choice depended on 1) caste 2) religion 3) socio-economic backgroundTamil Nadu’s Institution of marriage is forged by customs, traditions & religion, safe-guarded by older generation。 Within Tamil Marriages - Personal choice is part of family’s broader decision in marriage。 Post-marriage in Tamil Nadu is "adjust pani vaalanum" , [Tamil] adjust with each other, live life。 [English] 5。 I don't have much time, but what is the meat of this work? Well, turn to page 162 in this work。 He says, "At its core, the all-or-nothing theory of marriage is a supply-and-demand model: Are, two of us investing enough resources—and the right kinds of resources —to meet the needs we’re seeking to fulfill through the marriage? This analysis offers three types of strategies for improving marriage。 We can, (1) try to get more mileage out of our available resources, (2) invest additional resources in pursuit of large rewards at the summit, or (3) recalibrate expectations to stave off disappointment。 The first two of these strategies focus on the supply side (either by enhancing efficiency or increasing investment), whereas the third focuses on the demand side (by descending Mount Maslow or otherwise asking less of the marriage)。" My thoughts: Good luck in applying marriage as an optimization problem 6。 What are the things, that I see lacking in this work? The Author missed a core crucial important assumption, “Worldview” The Author before fleshing out his research, experiments, data points, might wanted to have written his, “First-Principles”The Author, albeit not fleshing out his Worldview; --I as a reader, would infer his data, experiments and work fitting into Worldview called, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage"The Author’s goal of marriage is success, defined subjectively。This book is incomplete, because it does not including religious traditions。Anyone who has read history, could bring up points saying, it has shaped marriage。Deus Vult, Gottfried 。。。more

Rhiannon

A solid summary of the field of marriage science/psychology。 Probably relied a little to heavily on previous research and offered somewhat less insights than I would have preferred, but overall a good quick read that I can recommend。

Cary Hall

Great book for understanding the science behind high quality and low quality relationships。 I also appreciated the concrete techniques and actions the book recommended for working on your own relationship。 Not vague concepts like “communicate more”, but actual exercises。 It is not heteronormative either。 The beginning where he goes through the history of marriage does get dry, which is the only reason I’m taking off a star。 The author is clearly an academic and it is written in an academic style Great book for understanding the science behind high quality and low quality relationships。 I also appreciated the concrete techniques and actions the book recommended for working on your own relationship。 Not vague concepts like “communicate more”, but actual exercises。 It is not heteronormative either。 The beginning where he goes through the history of marriage does get dry, which is the only reason I’m taking off a star。 The author is clearly an academic and it is written in an academic style, so some sections read more like a thesis than a book。 Overall, I loved it and felt it was very informative。 。。。more

Gabriel McCrary

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it, click here。 I appreciated Finkel’s emphasis on how modern westerners ask too much of marriage。 As I thought about this, I came up with three categories surrounding marriage。 There are (1) things that we should not look for within a marriage。 This would include things like identity and purpose。 There are (2) things that we may or may not find in a marriage and are welcome to look for in other relationships。 This would include things like hobbies。 Finally, there are (3) things that we should only look for wit I appreciated Finkel’s emphasis on how modern westerners ask too much of marriage。 As I thought about this, I came up with three categories surrounding marriage。 There are (1) things that we should not look for within a marriage。 This would include things like identity and purpose。 There are (2) things that we may or may not find in a marriage and are welcome to look for in other relationships。 This would include things like hobbies。 Finally, there are (3) things that we should only look for within the context of marriage。 This would include things like sexual fulfillment。 Surrounding ourselves with a healthy and supportive community can help us with maintaining and finding all three。With that said, there were things I disagreed with。 Unsurprisingly, I think these were rooted in our fundamental worldview differences (i。e。 my faith)。 While I agree that asking certain things of your marriage can be problematic, I believe the solution would be to exist in a healthy, supportive community and to look to God for identity and purpose, some of which Finkel suggests。。。 Yet, his suggestion of masterbation, living apart, consensual non-monogamy, etc。 are not, in my opinion, solutions to marital problems。 They are methods to avoid addressing the problems in your marriage。 They essentially turn marriages into “non-aggression pacts” instead of peaceful partnerships。I think it might be helpful to think of marriage like my kids trying to play together。 For example, the other day my kids were playing with Magna-Tiles and kept arguing over what they were building。 My first “solution” was to separate them and the Magna-Tiles and to say play on your own。 A few minutes later, they realized they each needed pieces they didn’t have。 My next solution was to say, ok try trading。 This too fell short of their goal。 Finally, I realized that, although it would take more work, for them to complete any project, they would have to work together。 This would require lots of communication, compromise, and selflessness on both sides, but it was the only way to build something complete。 I think this is close to what Paul has in mind in Ephesians 5:21-33。 。。。more