It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single
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- Create Date：2022-10-06 05:51:55
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Sara Eckel
- ISBN：0399162879
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Summary
If you're single but searching， there's no end of explanations， excuses， and criticism you'll hear to explain why you're single。 Even the most self-possessed singleton may come to doubt herself。 ？
"You're too picky。 Just find a good-enough guy and you'll be fine。"
"You're too desperate。 If men think you need them， they'll run scared。"
"You're too independent。 Smart， ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates。"
"You have low self-esteem。 You can't love someone else until you've learned to love yourself。"
"You're too needy。 You can't be happy in a relationship until you've learned to be happy on your own。"
It's Not You is structured around the many messages that singles， especially single women， get about who they are and who they're supposed to be。 Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research， as well as interviews with single women， Eckel creates a strong argument for why you should love yourself as you are--no change necessary。 By debunking the myths that have kept single women doubting themselves， Eckel encourages singles to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them， as they begin to understand and accept there's no one reason they're single--they just are。
"You're too picky。 Just find a good-enough guy and you'll be fine。"
"You're too desperate。 If men think you need them， they'll run scared。"
"You're too independent。 Smart， ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates。"
"You have low self-esteem。 You can't love someone else until you've learned to love yourself。"
"You're too needy。 You can't be happy in a relationship until you've learned to be happy on your own。"
It's Not You is structured around the many messages that singles， especially single women， get about who they are and who they're supposed to be。 Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research， as well as interviews with single women， Eckel creates a strong argument for why you should love yourself as you are--no change necessary。 By debunking the myths that have kept single women doubting themselves， Eckel encourages singles to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them， as they begin to understand and accept there's no one reason they're single--they just are。
Reviews
Sarah
，
This book refutes all the dumb advice and cliches you hear regarding being single。 I don't really think you need to read the whole book; just the first few chapters would be helpful。 But I think it has a good overall message that you're not waiting for your life to start， you're already living it。 This book refutes all the dumb advice and cliches you hear regarding being single。 I don't really think you need to read the whole book; just the first few chapters would be helpful。 But I think it has a good overall message that you're not waiting for your life to start， you're already living it。 。。。more
Gina
，
Very reassuring and helpfully reframing of thoughts， with the caveat that it’s focused on cisgender heterosexual white women of privilege， and the picking-and-choosing of meditation techniques and supposedly Buddhist teachings， while validating， may be slightly off。
Angela
，
Some good points made。 I liked the connections made to relevant studies。 But the message could've been conveyed without the cursing。 Some good points made。 I liked the connections made to relevant studies。 But the message could've been conveyed without the cursing。 。。。more
Amelia
，
This is a nice little book， aimed at the me of 16ish years ago， in my late 30s。 It's basically about the benefits of mindfulness meditation for dealing with all the expectations， disappointments， and baggage of being single-not-by-choice。 It's a light read with a lot of nice humor。 This is a nice little book， aimed at the me of 16ish years ago， in my late 30s。 It's basically about the benefits of mindfulness meditation for dealing with all the expectations， disappointments， and baggage of being single-not-by-choice。 It's a light read with a lot of nice humor。 。。。more
Paul
，
The book is firmly aimed at women over 35 who're struggling to find love。 And yet I， a late-20's man with a similar struggle， found it deeply comforting。 Pretty much every one of her 27 reasons has been laid at my feet of why I （a strong catch on paper at least） has been unable for years to find love。 If you've ever felt at some point "what is wrong with me‽" in regards to your love life， read this regardless of your age， gender， or social status。 While I don't agree with every last detail she s The book is firmly aimed at women over 35 who're struggling to find love。 And yet I， a late-20's man with a similar struggle， found it deeply comforting。 Pretty much every one of her 27 reasons has been laid at my feet of why I （a strong catch on paper at least） has been unable for years to find love。 If you've ever felt at some point "what is wrong with me‽" in regards to your love life， read this regardless of your age， gender， or social status。 While I don't agree with every last detail she says （sometimes feelings develop over multiple dates instead of instantaneously）， she cuts out a lot of junk single people hear every week。 。。。more
Ashley Close
，
I wanted to highlight every line of this book！
Beth
，
Highly recommend。 Straight-forward and compassionate advice。 Dismantles everything about the advice from another popular book， "Why You're not Married Yet，" among other things。 （The answer？ You haven't had the LUCK to meet the Right person at the Right Time。。。 it's not that you're less deserving， less pretty， less than。。。 anyone else who has met a match）。 Highly recommend。 Straight-forward and compassionate advice。 Dismantles everything about the advice from another popular book， "Why You're not Married Yet，" among other things。 （The answer？ You haven't had the LUCK to meet the Right person at the Right Time。。。 it's not that you're less deserving， less pretty， less than。。。 anyone else who has met a match）。 。。。more
nellian
，
Easy and quick read that cast a light on some anxieties that have been tormenting me lately。 Me and the author have little in common， me being in my early 20s and her describing her late 30s， I thought I wouldn't get much out of it -- but I was wrong。 A reoccurring theme that struck a cord with me was her， and my， perpetual and （somewhat） intentional singlehood。 My first relationship （and first kiss！） happened at age 22， and it lasted no more than a few months。 Since then I haven't felt the need Easy and quick read that cast a light on some anxieties that have been tormenting me lately。 Me and the author have little in common， me being in my early 20s and her describing her late 30s， I thought I wouldn't get much out of it -- but I was wrong。 A reoccurring theme that struck a cord with me was her， and my， perpetual and （somewhat） intentional singlehood。 My first relationship （and first kiss！） happened at age 22， and it lasted no more than a few months。 Since then I haven't felt the need to "jump" into a new relationship， or even date casually。 I'm not repulsed or broken， I just don't feel strong attraction to people around me。 I see good looking people all around me， but my "logical" brain does not see us working out in the long term， so they're not worth pursuing anyways。 I am content in my singleness， and although some of the wisdom has not fully resonated with me （yet）， I know it eventually will。 I don't "thrive" in it， I seek connection and long for that sense of belonging that the author describes， but that doesn't make me want to run from one relationship to another。 I realize that finding a compatible partner who， *gasp*， actually likes and wants to spend time with me is simply luck。。。and some people are luckier than others。 What I also realize is that I'm unwilling to settle for anything less than what I want。 I refuse to be unhappy。 Singledom isn't being unhappy， and longing for a meaningful connection doesn't mean I'm currently unhappy either。 I'm simply human。 So many single women are told "just work on yourself" and "become your highest self" without realizing that finding a partner is not something you "earn" by dedicating yourself to improvement。。。it just happens。。。or it doesn't。 。。。more
Anna
，
Mindfulness for singletons， basically。
Natalie
，
This book presents great reminders when you are feeling drained by singlehood and challenges the myths about why you may find yourself 40+ and single - whether it's your choice or not。 I also highly recommend this read for non-singles to better relate to their single friends。 This book presents great reminders when you are feeling drained by singlehood and challenges the myths about why you may find yourself 40+ and single - whether it's your choice or not。 I also highly recommend this read for non-singles to better relate to their single friends。 。。。more
Dana
，
This definitely has upper middle class white lady vibes but glad I read this and found the overall take refreshing。
Võ Quỳnh Hương
，
Vì sao bạn ế？ （Tên tiếng Việt）Mình đã ko đặt kì vọng vào quyển sách này， như 1 vài quyển sách về hẹn hò khác， mình thấy đọc cực kì vớ vẩn。 Mình đọc chỉ vì mình độc thân khá lâu， và đọc review mọi người có vẻ thích nó。 Và buồn thay， mình đã đúng với định kiến ban đầu。 Ngay từ lời giới thiệu， mình đã nghĩ kiểu “wow có vẻ thú vị， hay nó sẽ thay đổi góc nhìn của mình về những quyển sách hẹn hò của phương Tây”， nhưng càng đọc càng chán。 Thực sự là tác giả viết lan man， kiểu nói chuyện và giãi bày， kh Vì sao bạn ế？ （Tên tiếng Việt）Mình đã ko đặt kì vọng vào quyển sách này， như 1 vài quyển sách về hẹn hò khác， mình thấy đọc cực kì vớ vẩn。 Mình đọc chỉ vì mình độc thân khá lâu， và đọc review mọi người có vẻ thích nó。 Và buồn thay， mình đã đúng với định kiến ban đầu。 Ngay từ lời giới thiệu， mình đã nghĩ kiểu “wow có vẻ thú vị， hay nó sẽ thay đổi góc nhìn của mình về những quyển sách hẹn hò của phương Tây”， nhưng càng đọc càng chán。 Thực sự là tác giả viết lan man， kiểu nói chuyện và giãi bày， không tóm gọn luận điểm và bài học。 Chỉ giống như đang tương tác bình thường với độc giả， làm mình cảm thấy rất mơ hồ。 Mình đọc xong chương và hoang mang không biết chương này nói gì vậy， thế mình sẽ phải làm gì。 Một điều duy nhất mình học được là quyển này có chỉ ra nghiên cứu: càng lớn tuổi hẹn hò và lập gia đình， nguy cơ đổ vỡ càng thấp hơn， thậm chí cứ mỗi năm trì hoãn lập gia đình， phụ nữ lại giảm được nguy cơ ly hôn。 。。。more
remi ♡
，
“Happiness was there the whole time”Sassy， sharp， and well-researched， this book is the big sister hug I didn’t know I needed。 Highly recommend
Eva Miller
，
I wasn’t sure what to expect， but this book is surprisingly lovely。 The author is smart and funny and gets it all exactly right。 I’d recommend it for both single and partnered people。
Autumn Kovach
，
I enjoyed this read。 Many concepts and consolations I had picked up or concluded myself over the years but it was nice to have a “single” summary all in one book。 She dispels ideas like needing to be self actualized， sort through all ones baggage before being “ready”， no need to “just be positive” so that you’ll attract someone， that you’ve been unheard or misunderstood by the universe and many other explanations people cling to or tell singles。 She reminds the reader that a single persons life I enjoyed this read。 Many concepts and consolations I had picked up or concluded myself over the years but it was nice to have a “single” summary all in one book。 She dispels ideas like needing to be self actualized， sort through all ones baggage before being “ready”， no need to “just be positive” so that you’ll attract someone， that you’ve been unheard or misunderstood by the universe and many other explanations people cling to or tell singles。 She reminds the reader that a single persons life has the potential to be just as full of relationships， if not more than married people。 Putting focus on the reality of the paths being different， not better/worse。 There are great things about both。 It’s a good reminder as some social circles can make singles feel like second class citizens just because they are not attached。 “So it’s time to shed this notion that singles live on the margins of society， tending to nothing more than their beauty regimens and their cats。 Single people aren’t on the fringe of society — they are society。” “…longing was not desperation and loneliness was not failure。 And that， ironically， the less I tried to manipulate my inner experience， the more peaceful and content I felt。 If you feel sad sometimes， it’s not because you’re single - it’s because you’re alive。” Sara talks about resisting the urge to justify singleness with career ambition， traveling， a full social calendar just to compensate for not having a partner。 Do these things because you want to。 You don’t owe anyone an explanation。 If people ask why you’re single， you can literally say “I don’t know。” Don’t beat yourself up for not having a reason。 There may not be one。 Any more than two people happening to meet each other in high school， college or a dating app。 A final point that felt good for someone to say is how single people manage EVERYTHING in their household。 This can be liberating to have all the control like choosing where to live， how to spend a Saturday but also daunting to constantly meal plan， do laundry， budget and figure out the logistics from moving to travel plans。 It really is a lot。 As someone who has always been single， I didn’t even realize how much I did until my married friend mentioned how her husband does the budgeting or I was watching a youtube video and this girl said this is what my husband and I do to share responsibilities。 And I thought， in addition to finding love and companionship， it would also be nice to have a little help sometimes。 。。。more
Morgan
，
Short and simple， yet empowering， comforting， and insightful。 More for encouragement than a guide to finding a partner， but that's kind of the point of this book — being single doesn't mean you're doing something wrong or necessarily need to change。 I normally ding books like this one for not being based on empirical research， but I think this one serves a good purpose and doesn't pretend to be something it's not。 4。5-5 stars Short and simple， yet empowering， comforting， and insightful。 More for encouragement than a guide to finding a partner， but that's kind of the point of this book — being single doesn't mean you're doing something wrong or necessarily need to change。 I normally ding books like this one for not being based on empirical research， but I think this one serves a good purpose and doesn't pretend to be something it's not。 4。5-5 stars 。。。more
Madeline
，
i’m not going to qualify this w something self deprecating or call this book cringe。。 I mean， yeah， maybe a little， fine。 but this book made me feel seen。 it’s not going to be useful for everyone and it’s not a call to action or instructions， so much as really kind words， some with references to Buddhist philosophy and some backed by studies， but mostly just kind words。 also for the record， I got the most out of it by mentally just ctrl+f-replacing every mention of marriage to ‘loving committed i’m not going to qualify this w something self deprecating or call this book cringe。。 I mean， yeah， maybe a little， fine。 but this book made me feel seen。 it’s not going to be useful for everyone and it’s not a call to action or instructions， so much as really kind words， some with references to Buddhist philosophy and some backed by studies， but mostly just kind words。 also for the record， I got the most out of it by mentally just ctrl+f-replacing every mention of marriage to ‘loving committed long-term partnership，’ lol。 I’m not in my 30s and dying alone quite yet but honestly a lot of the time it feels like it and this book was a balm <3 。。。more
Heaven 🩰
，
Don’t be fooled by the fact that it took me a few months to finally finish this book。 I’m thankful that this book has been written and I’m thankful for Oh！ Stephco on Youtube for mentioning this book in her “This is why we’re single: accountability edition” video。 （Not an ad， genuinely picked this one up because of her）。 There are better reviews that will do this book justice， but moral of the story， this is the book you go to when you’re tired of feeling as if there’s something wrong with you b Don’t be fooled by the fact that it took me a few months to finally finish this book。 I’m thankful that this book has been written and I’m thankful for Oh！ Stephco on Youtube for mentioning this book in her “This is why we’re single: accountability edition” video。 （Not an ad， genuinely picked this one up because of her）。 There are better reviews that will do this book justice， but moral of the story， this is the book you go to when you’re tired of feeling as if there’s something wrong with you because you have not had luck in love or luck at all， for that matter。 Thank you for this gem Sara Eckel。 。。。more
Omar Delawar
，
The book in one sentence:Being single is not as bad as you think it isImpressions？ This was a female-focused book with extreme cliche advice。 Men generally don't give a F about the stuff this book talks about。 That in itself is a superpower。 I really feel bad for women out there who kill themselves for being single because they are constantly reminded of their single status by all their friends/family members。 So glad I don't have such a problem。 Psychologically speaking， it absolutely sucks to The book in one sentence:Being single is not as bad as you think it isImpressions？ This was a female-focused book with extreme cliche advice。 Men generally don't give a F about the stuff this book talks about。 That in itself is a superpower。 I really feel bad for women out there who kill themselves for being single because they are constantly reminded of their single status by all their friends/family members。 So glad I don't have such a problem。 Psychologically speaking， it absolutely sucks to be a woman。 Well， physically it sucks to be a woman too， actually。 If there is such a thing as reincarnation， I'd want to be a man EVERY TIME！Who should read it？Women for the most partFavorite quote（s）？N/AReadability: Hard ----o Easy Practicality: Low o---- High Insights: Few o---- Many Length: Long ---o- Short Overall: Bad -o--- Amazing 。。。more
Santiago Romero
，
The thesis of this book seems to be that there isn't anything wrong with us， but rather that love is just something magical which happens when the right circumstances align with a little bit of luck， so we shouldn't beat ourselves and worry about the causes of our present predicament。 It sounds nice enough， and I think there's something true about it， but the author takes it a little bit too literal， to the extent that problems in the book are more or less non-existent。 I remember that in the ch The thesis of this book seems to be that there isn't anything wrong with us， but rather that love is just something magical which happens when the right circumstances align with a little bit of luck， so we shouldn't beat ourselves and worry about the causes of our present predicament。 It sounds nice enough， and I think there's something true about it， but the author takes it a little bit too literal， to the extent that problems in the book are more or less non-existent。 I remember that in the chapter about independent women， she talked about how educated women are more likely to get married and have better marriages， and my first thought was， "Ok then， what about poor， uneducated women？ What about them？ What about the issues there？" Such things are never discussed， nor things like discrimination or alienation。 Granted at the beginning of the book she admits that she is a white， middle-class， straight， educated woman， so her ideas come from that perspective。 That may sound like sincerity， but I think it's rather more of an excuse， because if your world is basically the wealthy and educated side of liberal America， and you have the same views and interests than everyone else around you， is easier to argue that reality out there is somewhat good and that one fits into it。 One of her main sources of ideas --besides positive psychology， CBT and the like-- is buddhism， namely， westernized interpretations of buddhism。 And maybe it's just me and my Christian background， but I'm rather suspicious of the premises under which the mindfulness ideal， affirmed by the book， operates。 Which is to say， Eckel believes that in the presence of negative emotions and thoughts， what we should do is just accept them and then let them pass by。 And my concern is， well， what about worries which are legitimate？ Not just， as I mentioned， external problems and conflicts， but also internal ones。 I would say， from the point of view of psychoanalysis rather than CBT， what about problems of identity， ideology， belief， culture？ Isn't it problematic to try to ease the symptoms of anxiety rather than tackling its causes？ If there isn't anything wrong with any of us， why， for instance， do couples get divorced？ It seems to me that the answer to the latter question according to the book would be that there isn't a cause， that because love appears capriciously， it also disappears in the same way。 like the wind， and there is nothing concrete we can do about it。 The consequence of trivializing psychological and social conflicts into just not looking at things the right way， is that there is no insentive nor method to construct ourselves and reality into something better， because "better" doesn't exist， beyond just doing what feels right。 It is， fundamentally， a conformist and amoral vision of the world。I remember a video of Slavoj Žižek talking about wisdom， and how meaningless it is。 He said something to the effect that， if you do something risky and succeed， the wise man will come and tell you that only those who take their chances and put it all on the line are the ones who succeed。 And if you do the same thing， but fail， the wise man will come and tell you about the dangers of greed， that you shouldn't swim against the current， and so on。 The point being that， no matter what you do， the wise person can justify it if he sounds profound enough。 Sara Eckel is that wise person， who doesn't stand for anything， but rather simply accepts and justifies whatever it is that goes on in the world or one's own being， so as to never feel guilt， fear or indignation。 。。。more
Mel
，
This is not a dating self-help book - it’s an anti-dating self help book。 The author takes us on a light sociological romp about the many ways singles are discriminated against and the dumb things people assume or say to singles and why they aren’t true， wrapped up in her own story of dating， singleness， and marriage。 I loved it。 Every smug married person who makes unsolicited comments to single people needs to read this。
Candice Silsbee
，
She hits the nail right on the head; this is the self help book to end all self-help books; i hope， at some point， that she produces a modify new addition for gay and lesbian folks。
Sachelle
，
I think this book is beneficial for everyone but particularly for those who: （1） have genuinely interrogated themselves; and （2） are worried about what exactly is “wrong with them”， and why their singleness persists。 The author does a lovely job of interrogating， using supportive data， being frank and honest， while also providing advice without being condescending。
Tawni Winns
，
This book is for the unhappily single so I couldn't relate ¯\_（ツ）_/¯ This book is for the unhappily single so I couldn't relate ¯\_（ツ）_/¯ 。。。more
Jennifer
，
The point of this book it seemed was to list a bunch of reasons people continually give for why you're single followed by rationalization on why this isn't true。 The problem though is that I remember almost nothing from this book and I just finished reading it。 A great deal of the time I couldn't even remember what the chapter was about midway through and had to take a gander up at the top of the page to remind myself。 It wasn't a horribly boring read， but since it made absolutely no difference The point of this book it seemed was to list a bunch of reasons people continually give for why you're single followed by rationalization on why this isn't true。 The problem though is that I remember almost nothing from this book and I just finished reading it。 A great deal of the time I couldn't even remember what the chapter was about midway through and had to take a gander up at the top of the page to remind myself。 It wasn't a horribly boring read， but since it made absolutely no difference in my life （and how could it if I can't remember anything） I had to give it only two stars。 。。。more
Jure
，
A fun read， even for a guy。 A bit US-centric but still provides an insight into different ways of experiencing life and all the anxities around it。
Evisa
，
This book reminded me how wonderfully overwhelming the feeling of being understood can be！ Everyone has to deal with some shade of loneliness， and Sara Eckel masterfully depicts here one of the most commonly known of them。 She is spilling some hardcore truths and busting some myths around singlehood。 Preach sister， preach！ P。S。 The only thing she didn't get right， is the title of this book :D This book reminded me how wonderfully overwhelming the feeling of being understood can be！ Everyone has to deal with some shade of loneliness， and Sara Eckel masterfully depicts here one of the most commonly known of them。 She is spilling some hardcore truths and busting some myths around singlehood。 Preach sister， preach！ P。S。 The only thing she didn't get right， is the title of this book :D 。。。more
Angeliki
，
Guilty pleasure！ I can't exactly explain the reason that I like this book so much。 I think because it is a ''light'' book and after reading it （ in a couple of hours ） you feel light as a feather。 It is an odd thing。 But a good thing。 Guilty pleasure！ I can't exactly explain the reason that I like this book so much。 I think because it is a ''light'' book and after reading it （ in a couple of hours ） you feel light as a feather。 It is an odd thing。 But a good thing。 。。。more
Kristen
，
I have heard SO many of these， from others and from the mean voice in my own head。 It was good to read that I'm not alone， however the fact that the author is married is a little bit of a let down。 I have heard SO many of these， from others and from the mean voice in my own head。 It was good to read that I'm not alone， however the fact that the author is married is a little bit of a let down。 。。。more
Veronica
，