Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
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- Create Date：2021-03-30 12:13:18
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Emily Nagoski
- ISBN：1925228010
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Summary
An essential exploration of women’s sexuality that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy。
After all the books that have been written about sex， all the blogs and TV shows and radio Q&As， how can it be that we all still have so many questions？
The frustrating reality is that we’ve been lied to — not deliberately， it’s no one’s fault， but still。 We were told the wrong story。
Come As You Are reveals the true story behind female sexuality， uncovering the little-known science of what makes us tick and， more importantly， how and why。 Sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski debunks the common sexual myths that are making women （and some men！） feel inadequate between the sheets。
Underlying almost all of the questions we still have about sex is the common worry: ‘Am I normal？’ This book answers with a resounding Yes！ We are all different， but we are all normal — and once we learn this， we can create for ourselves better sex and more profound pleasure than we ever thought possible。
After all the books that have been written about sex， all the blogs and TV shows and radio Q&As， how can it be that we all still have so many questions？
The frustrating reality is that we’ve been lied to — not deliberately， it’s no one’s fault， but still。 We were told the wrong story。
Come As You Are reveals the true story behind female sexuality， uncovering the little-known science of what makes us tick and， more importantly， how and why。 Sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski debunks the common sexual myths that are making women （and some men！） feel inadequate between the sheets。
Underlying almost all of the questions we still have about sex is the common worry: ‘Am I normal？’ This book answers with a resounding Yes！ We are all different， but we are all normal — and once we learn this， we can create for ourselves better sex and more profound pleasure than we ever thought possible。
Reviews
Telana
，
DNF。 This was a bookclub choice for this month and it was interesting enough but I struggle with self help books。 The science behind it was very interesting but I honestly just couldn’t get into it。
Zibi
，
Even though this book and the （amazing） advice in it is primarily aimed at women， it can be easily applied to any person of any gender if you substitute "women" for "people" in the text （except ofc the parts that talk about gender-specific sexual violence， which women unfortunately do suffer to an extreme extent。。。）。 Even though this book and the （amazing） advice in it is primarily aimed at women， it can be easily applied to any person of any gender if you substitute "women" for "people" in the text （except ofc the parts that talk about gender-specific sexual violence， which women unfortunately do suffer to an extreme extent。。。）。 。。。more
Paloma
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Every woman （and hopefully every man too） need to read this book to understand female sexuality。 Hint: it’s not like men’s！
Kim
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This book was better than I expected。 Not something I would normally read but I think it’s likely that this could be a really helpful book for a lot of women。 So many sexual myths that I have believed were debunked - and lots of research that is eye opening around women and sex。 From interest to orgasms and lots of things in between。 I especially think it’s important that one of the main premises of the book was answering the question， “am I normal？” The answer - yes。 I think most women need to This book was better than I expected。 Not something I would normally read but I think it’s likely that this could be a really helpful book for a lot of women。 So many sexual myths that I have believed were debunked - and lots of research that is eye opening around women and sex。 From interest to orgasms and lots of things in between。 I especially think it’s important that one of the main premises of the book was answering the question， “am I normal？” The answer - yes。 I think most women need to hear that。Note: This book does cover science but it’s more “self-help” than scientific journal。 。。。more
Lino Verde
，
This book has been highly recommended （e。g。 by Anna Akana）。 One unexpected knowledge I learned was the dark side of attachment。 When we feel distressed， our attachment object is our safe haven， Even -- or perhaps especially -- if our attachment object is the source of our distress。 This explains why abused children seek for their abusers， or why it is so hard to break off from a toxic relationship。 - Turn off the offs， and slowly turn on the ons。 - expecting （anticipating）， eagerness （wanting）， This book has been highly recommended （e。g。 by Anna Akana）。 One unexpected knowledge I learned was the dark side of attachment。 When we feel distressed， our attachment object is our safe haven， Even -- or perhaps especially -- if our attachment object is the source of our distress。 This explains why abused children seek for their abusers， or why it is so hard to break off from a toxic relationship。 - Turn off the offs， and slowly turn on the ons。 - expecting （anticipating）， eagerness （wanting）， and enjoying （liking） are separate functions in our brain。 You can want without liking （craving）， anticipate without wanting （dread）， or any other combination。- Two approaches to sustained desire in long-term committed monogamous relationship， and the fundamental is to sustain curiosity。 One approach is to view the other person from distance （stay mystery/distant）; the other approach is to stay curious about the very nature of pleasure in the context of commitment。 - Passion does happen - as long as the couple takes deliberate control of the context。- The key to manage the performance anxiety is to notice what you're paying attention to， and then shift your attention to the thing you want to pay attention to。 （i。e。 let go of your feelings， do not feeling bad about your feelings）- How you feel about your sexuality is more important than your sexuality itself。 - You are normal， and accept who you are。 。。。more
Mathilde M
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All time favourite
nicole
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Required reading - send copies to your friends， make your partner read it， think about it for years after kind of read。 Had downloaded it years ago， feeling disconnected from my postpartum body， and finally got to it as part of trying to bring back joy and pleasure into latter-era-pandemic life。 I did not expect this book to be about dealing with Feels， which is the crux of my therapy sessions right now， and I found Nagoski's insight into the fight/flight/freeze response， feelings as tunnels， an Required reading - send copies to your friends， make your partner read it， think about it for years after kind of read。 Had downloaded it years ago， feeling disconnected from my postpartum body， and finally got to it as part of trying to bring back joy and pleasure into latter-era-pandemic life。 I did not expect this book to be about dealing with Feels， which is the crux of my therapy sessions right now， and I found Nagoski's insight into the fight/flight/freeze response， feelings as tunnels， and the importance of context to be so helpful。 I hope this is now on the reading list for that 8:10am Human Sexuality class I took as an undergrad， where like none of this interior component was covered。 。。。more
Zara
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Tl;dr You are normal。Excellent audiobook。
Carlina Scalf
，
I'm a big fan of Emily Nagoski， and this book was as enlightening， fascinating， and comforting as I suspected it would be。 Younger Carli would have benefitted from having access to this information （especially in her Catholic school health education days）。 Come for the interesting science， stay for the central message that "we're all different， and that's completely normal。" I'm a big fan of Emily Nagoski， and this book was as enlightening， fascinating， and comforting as I suspected it would be。 Younger Carli would have benefitted from having access to this information （especially in her Catholic school health education days）。 Come for the interesting science， stay for the central message that "we're all different， and that's completely normal。" 。。。more
Katie Johnston
，
If you’re a woman in my life， I might buy you this book for Christmas or your birthday。 And you’re going to think， that is so weird， why did she buy me a book about sex？ And then a few days or weeks or months later you’re going to thank me。
Phoebe Cowdell
，
Must read for all women。 Breaks down the bullshit that society teaches us and encourages women to experience the sexual pleasure they deserve but importantly the sexuality that is right for them。
Laura McLoughlin
，
I picked up this book to learn a little more about my body and why it wasn't like my husband's （you know， the less obvious reasons）， and Emily Nagoski delivered。 The chapters are interesting and easy to read with a warm， chatty style and plenty of analogies and metaphors to give better understanding of the science discussed。 I found myself turning to my husband repeatedly to ask， "Did you know this？ Did anyone tell you this？" and if you had a similar sex education to myself （i。e。 "don't do it or I picked up this book to learn a little more about my body and why it wasn't like my husband's （you know， the less obvious reasons）， and Emily Nagoski delivered。 The chapters are interesting and easy to read with a warm， chatty style and plenty of analogies and metaphors to give better understanding of the science discussed。 I found myself turning to my husband repeatedly to ask， "Did you know this？ Did anyone tell you this？" and if you had a similar sex education to myself （i。e。 "don't do it or you'll get pregnant and die"） I imagine you'll do the same。Come as You Are has surprised， informed and reassured me in ways I thought， as a 26 year old， were past me when it came to sex。 I'd highly recommend it to all cisgender women who are searching not just for some idea of what the hell is going on with their bodies， but for some encouragement and comforting in their search， too。 。。。more
jamie
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There is no secret ingredient。 It’s just you。
Abigail Veloz
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Wow， I wish I would have had this book 15 years ago。 What a beautifully open discussion about forever sensitive topics。 Will be sharing with every person I know and will probably read again。
Paul
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（I know that I'm not part of the target audience） This gentle and positive book seems like a nice jumping-off point for women who are beginning to introspect about sexuality， and I loved the central insight that stress， body image， and other psychological questions can be major barriers to women's ability to engage positively with sex。 I sometimes had trouble trusting the book because the author openly omits and spins information with the goal of encouraging readers to think positively。 （I know that I'm not part of the target audience） This gentle and positive book seems like a nice jumping-off point for women who are beginning to introspect about sexuality， and I loved the central insight that stress， body image， and other psychological questions can be major barriers to women's ability to engage positively with sex。 I sometimes had trouble trusting the book because the author openly omits and spins information with the goal of encouraging readers to think positively。 。。。more
Alicia
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I'd love so many women to read this！！ 💕 I'd love so many women to read this！！ 💕 。。。more
Vicki
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Informative and easy to readReadable and engaging prose mixed with lots of data and research。 This is the perfect blend of qualitative and quantitative， practical and abstract。 It answers both “why” and “how”。
Adina
，
An excellent book about women physiology and the psychology of sexual arousal and pleasure。 It uses the latest scientific discoveries about women sexuality to debunk some myths and to try to improve life between the sheets。 I read it for the science because you can never now enough about the subject and I was not disappointed。 The bottom line of the book is that women physiology and sexuality was viewed， explained and criticized from men’s lens and standards。 As the author clearly explains， wome An excellent book about women physiology and the psychology of sexual arousal and pleasure。 It uses the latest scientific discoveries about women sexuality to debunk some myths and to try to improve life between the sheets。 I read it for the science because you can never now enough about the subject and I was not disappointed。 The bottom line of the book is that women physiology and sexuality was viewed， explained and criticized from men’s lens and standards。 As the author clearly explains， women are very different。I will leave you with some interesting bits of wisdom。 -tMale and female sex parts are the same but arranged differently。 The correspondent of the pleasure organ， aka the penis， is the clitoris， not the vagina as many might think。 As a result， the majority of women can only have orgasm by the stimulation of the clit。 It is no wonder then that 75% of women never orgasm or rarely。 -tresponsive v。 spontaneous desire， Basically， some people can get turned on randomly while for others it only happens in response to highly erotic situations。 75% of men and 5% of women have spontaneous desires。 30% of women have only responsive desire and the rest change depending on the context。 Well， she talks a lot about context and here things get a bit blurry-tshe talks about the existence of Dual Control Model of Arousal which consist in a Sexual Excitation System （SES） –accelerators and Sexual Inhibition System （SIS） – breaks。 Each woman has a various degree of both and there is a large chapter about how to identify your mix and how to adjust the SES and SIS to improve your sex life。 Context again is very important。-tIt talks a lot about how stress influences the sex life， not a surprise here I guess， but she does it quite well。 -tArousal non-concordance， a concept I did not know and it is very important especially in context of violence towards women。 Apparently， you can get wet/erect without being aroused because the brain tells to your genitals that there is a sexual context。 An important example is with rape victims who are mistakenly thought to be enjoying themselves because of this involuntary reaction。 Emily Nagoski is sex therapist and the book is written as a form of therapy。 The main focus is to make the reader feel normal and confident with her body and sexuality which is great but it can also be tiring because of many repetitions。 The tone is very chatty and informal; it felt like reading a Cosmo article。 There were lots of laughable （to me） similes trying to better explain some concepts。 I somehow felt that the author tried too hard to make the concepts accessible and because of that it appeared like she was writing to dumb child。 。。。more
Marki
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summary: your body is normal and your sexual experience is normal （if painless） <3
Rachel Jenkins
，
I feel like every woman， and probably every man， needs to read this book。 If nothing else than to help them realize certain things about sex and their bodies。Nothing was overly mind blowing to me， but I found a lot of it SUPER useful。 Especially in the break and accelerator portions。。。 what is normal？ We are all different。 Everyone reacts （or doesn’t react） in many different ways。I really appreciated everything she shares， and highly recommend。
Cheryl
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This book is written for and marketed to women， but after the woman reads it， she should immediately hand it to her male partner to read （in the context of a heterosexual relationship， of course）。 It's reassuring to women that have self-doubt and self-criticism。 Unless you are experiencing pain， everything is all good and perfectly normal。 The book got a little repetitive， so I docked one star for that。 Otherwise， an informative read。 This book is written for and marketed to women， but after the woman reads it， she should immediately hand it to her male partner to read （in the context of a heterosexual relationship， of course）。 It's reassuring to women that have self-doubt and self-criticism。 Unless you are experiencing pain， everything is all good and perfectly normal。 The book got a little repetitive， so I docked one star for that。 Otherwise， an informative read。 。。。more
Karsyn
，
Dnf for now， just can’t get into it
Stephanie Pinch
，
This book fills in the gaps of so much of women's sexual education。 I've recommended this with so many of my clients and encourage anyone to read it！ This book fills in the gaps of so much of women's sexual education。 I've recommended this with so many of my clients and encourage anyone to read it！ 。。。more
Maria Reinup
，
On the contrary to what one may think， I did not pick this book because of a pseudo-vagina on the front or for its celebratory title。 I picked it because it started to feel impossible to get through another lecture， book or an article， without someone mentioning it。 And well， all I can ask from myself now is this - where the fuck was I all this time？Dr。 Emily Nagoski takes the bull by its horns and looks at it straight in the eye。 She does it with personal style， positive， not to say extremely h On the contrary to what one may think， I did not pick this book because of a pseudo-vagina on the front or for its celebratory title。 I picked it because it started to feel impossible to get through another lecture， book or an article， without someone mentioning it。 And well， all I can ask from myself now is this - where the fuck was I all this time？Dr。 Emily Nagoski takes the bull by its horns and looks at it straight in the eye。 She does it with personal style， positive， not to say extremely healthy attitude and has cleverly armed herself with science before doing so。 What exactly is the bull？ The idea that women's sexuality is inherently more complicated than men's。 It is not， it's just different。 But how is it different？ What do the results of research in anatomy， physiology， behavioral and comparative psychology， evolutionary psychology and gender studies tell and what should be the takeaway？ The book covers a great deal of subjects and is cleverly built in a way that divergent people could pick out not only what they can learn， but even the style of information presented。 Some may like all the metaphors （me）， some might not like the inventive stories based on what she has heard as a sex therapist （me）， some might hate the idea of making exercises （me， but I did them anyway， turned out they were great）， it's up to the reader。 Nevertheless the greatest part of the book is the solid， heavyweight myth busting: the overlap between genital response and how turned on a woman feels is only about 10% （forget the idea of her being wet indicating anything）， hymen as an indication of virginity is entirely a social construction and there is no scientific evidence backing it （if you bled， sorry， it was your vagina that teared up）， there is no such thing as sex drive （forget the excuse that your sex drive is higher or lower）， most women don't orgasm through intercourse （and there is no such thing as different orgasms）， or if you experience spontaneous desire， you are amongst a very small percentage of women who experience that （and no， you are not hypersexual） and the list goes on！ Equally great are the parts that explain how different mechanisms in your brain work and how， of course， they meddle with each other in one big， complicated but ultimately beautiful system。Yes， she writes a little too enthusiastically even for a generally positive person like me。 Yes， it is not only science， but also self-help here and there。 Yes， it is designed for women to understand that the sexuality of men has been the frontrunner for understanding human sexual psyche for way too long， but as I consider the issues of my generation of women， particularly in this country， I think body and sex positive myth busting is highly welcome to both women and their partners。 So， it doesn't matter who you are， I think I can promise with a fairly good conscience， that you will have something to take away from "Come as You Are"。 。。。more
Linnea
，
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 Mind shifting。 Nagoski clearly lays out her arguments， backed by science， totally altering how I think about sex， life， relationships and so much more。 Her conversational tone was easy to read， but also compelling， and her points are easy to remember。
Indre Indre
，
Must read for every human being alive。
Michelle Gaudet
，
This should literally be required reading for everyone。 So so interesting and empowering。 Holds up to the hype！
Jenna Anderson
，
“Are we starting to get the picture， that telling women they’re broken is a great way to break women？”
Anna Abney Miller
，
Definitely interesting。 She relied a lot on analogies， which got a bit thick on the ground toward the end。 A lot of things ahe discussed are frankly just awesome advice for attending to your own mental health， regardless of the why behind it。
Stephanie S
，