The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
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- Create Date：2022-09-05 09:56:42
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Esther Perel
- ISBN：1473673550
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Summary
Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity。
Affairs， she argues， have a lot to teach us about the human heart—what we expect， what we think we want， and what we feel entitled to。 They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love， lust， and commitment。 Through examining illicit love from multiple angles， Perel invites readers into an honest， enlightened， and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations。
Affairs， she argues， have a lot to teach us about the human heart—what we expect， what we think we want， and what we feel entitled to。 They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love， lust， and commitment。 Through examining illicit love from multiple angles， Perel invites readers into an honest， enlightened， and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations。
Reviews
Sintija
，
Quality reading for those interested in psychological aspects of relationships， especially， complexities of it。 Perel walks through different aspects and nuances that can accur in long lasting relatinships and gives a space for the reader to decide on their perceptions of the matter。
Andrei Gheorghe
，
Esther Perel does an in-depth analysis on infidelity， but， even if may stir the unconscious quite a bit， still seems to lack some kind of transcendent depth。 Very entertainingly written， hard to put it down。
Anna
，
This offered some very helpful perspectives on infidelity， why people cheat， and how couples come back from it。 It's only been a couple weeks and I've already found this to be helpful in my work with clients。 This offered some very helpful perspectives on infidelity， why people cheat， and how couples come back from it。 It's only been a couple weeks and I've already found this to be helpful in my work with clients。 。。。more
Laurence
，
Relationships are complicated。 Really complicated。As usual Ester Perel investigates some thought provoking scenarios and causes。 And most interestingly sometimes infidelity is actually thd best thing， how counter-intuitive compared to our social indoctrinated norms。 She describes it as although a disease treatment can be the best thing for you it is not something you wish upon someone。 I might be paraphrasing that slightly wrong。Some relationships should end， some are improved， some show relatio Relationships are complicated。 Really complicated。As usual Ester Perel investigates some thought provoking scenarios and causes。 And most interestingly sometimes infidelity is actually thd best thing， how counter-intuitive compared to our social indoctrinated norms。 She describes it as although a disease treatment can be the best thing for you it is not something you wish upon someone。 I might be paraphrasing that slightly wrong。Some relationships should end， some are improved， some show relationship inadequacy， communication problems， personal problems and trauma， unfair expectations， cultural differences， gender codes， finances， families， parents， children， friends or lack there of。 Add booze to further complicate things。 Implicit conduct codes are necessary and problematic at the same time。 Communicating and understanding ourselves and others is fraught with difficulties。 A worthy addition to the points she has raised before elsewhere。 。。。more
Sofia
，
4。5 stars rounded up to 5。 Admittedly， the contexts and explanations around the various affairs sketched in the book tend to get a bit repetitive， yet Esther Perel continually offers professional insights， intriguing turns-of-phrase， and philosophical food for thought。 I'm also a sucker for a French accent， which made listening to the audiobook， read by the author， a delight （but the podcast excerpts at the end did not entice me at all）。 Kudos， too， to the designer of the book cover。 Very clever 4。5 stars rounded up to 5。 Admittedly， the contexts and explanations around the various affairs sketched in the book tend to get a bit repetitive， yet Esther Perel continually offers professional insights， intriguing turns-of-phrase， and philosophical food for thought。 I'm also a sucker for a French accent， which made listening to the audiobook， read by the author， a delight （but the podcast excerpts at the end did not entice me at all）。 Kudos， too， to the designer of the book cover。 Very clever。 I will definitely follow up by reading her first book。 。。。more
Siobhán Lucid
，
What do I know about this subject？ Nothing but Esther's non judgemental assessment of 100s of couple she's counselled really shows no 2 affairs are born equal 👍🏻 What do I know about this subject？ Nothing but Esther's non judgemental assessment of 100s of couple she's counselled really shows no 2 affairs are born equal 👍🏻 。。。more
Alexandra Osipenco
，
„Regândirea infidelității。 O analiză a relațiilor de cuplu。” de Esther Perel4/5 ⭐”Există ceva simplu care încalcă regulile și îi poate fura unui cuplu relația， fericirea， propria identitate: o legătură extraconjugală。 Și totuși， această faptă extrem de frecventă este foarte prost înțeleasă。”Ce este infidelitatea？ Atunci când partenerul privește jurnale pentru bărbați sau masturbează la un film porno？ Atunci când partenera flirtează cu prietenul tău？ Atunci când careva el sau ea se gândește la al „Regândirea infidelității。 O analiză a relațiilor de cuplu。” de Esther Perel4/5 ⭐”Există ceva simplu care încalcă regulile și îi poate fura unui cuplu relația， fericirea， propria identitate: o legătură extraconjugală。 Și totuși， această faptă extrem de frecventă este foarte prost înțeleasă。”Ce este infidelitatea？ Atunci când partenerul privește jurnale pentru bărbați sau masturbează la un film porno？ Atunci când partenera flirtează cu prietenul tău？ Atunci când careva el sau ea se gândește la altcineva în timp ce te sărută sau în momentele mai intime din dormitor？ Sau poate， atunci când ea nu mai poartă burca？ Limitele fidelității nu au fost bine definitivate。 În diferite culturi， confesiuni religioase， grupuri sociale ele sunt diferite。 Din ce cauză partenerii se înșeală reciproc？ Din nevoia de Control （Autonomie） nesatisfăcută în cuplu？ Sau „iese la plimbare” pentru a-și „încărca bateriile”？ De unde apare necesitatea infidelității？ Ce daune aduce iubirea adulterină （atât cea camuflată bine， cât și cea descoperită）？ E o carte cu abordări diverse din diferite unghiuri și puncte de vedere， scrisă de un psihoterapeut。Recomand！ 。。。more
Ling
，
Sách hay， nên đọc đặc biệt là các gia đình mới :） Bức tranh sôi động về chuyện ngoại tình， không đơn thuần là ai phản bội ai mà đôi khi cũng khó trả lời rõ ràng cho câu ai phản bội ai。 Nhiều ngóc ngách được phơi bày từ góc nhìn của người trong cuộc， ngoài cuộc。 Thích văn phong của tác giả， là một chuyên gia tâm lý trị liệu - những phân tích khéo léo， rõ ràng và toàn diện。Phần dịch thuật cũng khá hay， chuyển ngữ mượt mà， dùng nhiều từ ngữ hay。Tóm lại thì ích lợi khi đọc quyển này là: hiểu để trán Sách hay， nên đọc đặc biệt là các gia đình mới :） Bức tranh sôi động về chuyện ngoại tình， không đơn thuần là ai phản bội ai mà đôi khi cũng khó trả lời rõ ràng cho câu ai phản bội ai。 Nhiều ngóc ngách được phơi bày từ góc nhìn của người trong cuộc， ngoài cuộc。 Thích văn phong của tác giả， là một chuyên gia tâm lý trị liệu - những phân tích khéo léo， rõ ràng và toàn diện。Phần dịch thuật cũng khá hay， chuyển ngữ mượt mà， dùng nhiều từ ngữ hay。Tóm lại thì ích lợi khi đọc quyển này là: hiểu để tránh những sai lầm trong hôn nhân， quý trọng hôn nhân và chú tâm gìn giữ hạnh phúc gia đình :） 。。。more
Leah Schummer
，
"Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan， with an option to renew - or not。"Goddamn she's good！！ Highly recommend for anyone who participates in romantic relationships。 Taught me much more about love than I could have anticipated。 Will pick this up again once I am married。 "Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan， with an option to renew - or not。"Goddamn she's good！！ Highly recommend for anyone who participates in romantic relationships。 Taught me much more about love than I could have anticipated。 Will pick this up again once I am married。 。。。more
Alexandrina
，
"We need to go on with life。 Hope again， trust again， love again。" "We need to go on with life。 Hope again， trust again， love again。" 。。。more
Haley Isaacs
，
This book was really interesting！ Even though I didn’t always agree with everything Esther said， it was really engaging and made me really think about what I believe and why I believe it。
Sinibaldo R。
，
Have you ever read a book that shattered so many dogmas and preconceived notions that you started to wonder what else am I missing？！ This was one of such books for me。 A friend recommended it to me， and phew！ That was a ride。 Even if infidelity is not an issue you are dealing with， the provocative and intellectually stimulating dilemmas presented in this book are worth your time。The main asset of this book is the stories that Esther shares from her practice。 She is pragmatic and yet kind。 She us Have you ever read a book that shattered so many dogmas and preconceived notions that you started to wonder what else am I missing？！ This was one of such books for me。 A friend recommended it to me， and phew！ That was a ride。 Even if infidelity is not an issue you are dealing with， the provocative and intellectually stimulating dilemmas presented in this book are worth your time。The main asset of this book is the stories that Esther shares from her practice。 She is pragmatic and yet kind。 She usually does not take sides but does not hesitate to push each client's/patient's boundaries and arguments。 Her approach is refreshingly human。The book becomes a bit repetitive towards the middle， but the last two chapters are particularly touching。 I think this book is best read with your partner（s）。 The conversations I had with mine about it have been mindblowing。 Here is an expert I found particularly touching:"Our partners do not belong to us。 They are only on loan with an option to renew - or not。 Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment。 Rather， it mandates an active engagement that longterm couples often lose。 The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency in the most positive sense。" 。。。more
Andreea Chiuaru
，
Cartea asta mi-a schimbat perspectiva 🤯E genul de carte pe care nu as fi citit-o când eram într-o relație。 Cum adică sa "regandesti infidelitatea"？Am ajuns la Esther Perel prin "Inteligenta erotica"， acum 3 luni。 Iar la Cluj， într-o librărie mi-a sărit în ochi cartea asta。 Sigur am mai trecut pe lângă ea de 336363 de ori。 Doar ca nu a fost momentul ei。 Nu as fi acceptat-o măcar， ce sa mai zic de a o înțelege。Câteva idei cu care am rezonat 👇"Toata lumea vrea sa știe cât la suta dintre oameni își Cartea asta mi-a schimbat perspectiva 🤯E genul de carte pe care nu as fi citit-o când eram într-o relație。 Cum adică sa "regandesti infidelitatea"？Am ajuns la Esther Perel prin "Inteligenta erotica"， acum 3 luni。 Iar la Cluj， într-o librărie mi-a sărit în ochi cartea asta。 Sigur am mai trecut pe lângă ea de 336363 de ori。 Doar ca nu a fost momentul ei。 Nu as fi acceptat-o măcar， ce sa mai zic de a o înțelege。Câteva idei cu care am rezonat 👇"Toata lumea vrea sa știe cât la suta dintre oameni își înșală partenerul。 Dar aceasta este o întrebare dificila pentru ca， mai întâi， trebuie sa răspunzi la o alta: ce înseamnă a insela？ （。。。）" "Odată ce l-am găsit pe El/am găsit-o pe Ea suntem de părere ca nu ar mai trebui sa existe nicio nevoie， nicio dorința， nicio atracție pentru altcineva。 （。。。） contractele noastre de închiriere sunt mult mai complexe decât contractele relaționale。 Pentru multe cupluri， discuția consta maximum în cinci cuvinte: dacă te prind， ești mort。""Este ironic faptul ca unii oameni vor minimaliza implicarea emotionala pentru a reduce delictul （Nu a însemnat nimic！）， în timp ce alții vor sublinia natura emotionala a legăturii， exact cu același scop （Nu s-a întâmplat nimic！）""Pe vremuri， monogamia înseamnă o persoana pentru toată viata。 În ziua de azi， monogamia înseamnă o persoana acum， apoi alta， apoi alta。""Așteptările noastre privind căsătoria nu au fost niciodată mai mari ca în zilele noastre。 Vrem în continuare tot ce trebuia sa ofere familia tradițională - siguranță， copii， proprietate， respectabilitate - dar acum vrem și ca partenerul sa ne iubească， sa ne dorească， sa fie interesat de noi。 Trebuie sa fim cei mai buni prieteni， confident de încredere și amanți pasionali。 （。。。） Vrem ca alesul nostru/aleasa noastră sa ne asigure stabilitate， siguranță， previzibilitate și sa fie de încredere。 Și vrem ca aceeași persoana sa ne uimească， sa ne ofere mister， aventura și risc。 Dă-mi confort și dă-mi tot ce mai bun。 Dă-mi lucruri pe care le știu și dă-mi noutate。 Dă-mi continuitate și dă-mi suprize。 Îndrăgostiții din ziua de azi cauta sa aducă sub același acoperiș dorințe care s-au aflat întotdeauna în zone diferite。""In societatea noastră de consum， cheia este noutatea。 Durata de viata este programata， astfel încât sa ne provoace dorința de a le înlocui， iar cuplul nu face excepție de la aceste tendințe。 Trăim într-o cultura care ne ademenește continuu cu promisiunea a ceva mai bun， mai nou， mai plin de viata。 Prin urmare， nu divorțam pentru ca suntem nefericiți， ci pentru ca ne gândim ca am putea fi mai fericiți decât în prezent。" 。。。more
Emilie Denis
，
Une lecture qui apporte autant de réponses que de questions， qui nous permet d’avoir un nouveau regard sur nos supposées certitudes， revoir nos jugements sur des idées ancrées dans notre société depuis des années， et surtout un livre qui m’amène à me poser plein de nouvelles questions et envisager d’une nouvelle manière l’amour et la sexualité。J’ai particulièrement aimé le fait que tout au long de son analyse Esther nous relate une centaine d’histoires vécues de patients。 Cela permet （ outre un Une lecture qui apporte autant de réponses que de questions， qui nous permet d’avoir un nouveau regard sur nos supposées certitudes， revoir nos jugements sur des idées ancrées dans notre société depuis des années， et surtout un livre qui m’amène à me poser plein de nouvelles questions et envisager d’une nouvelle manière l’amour et la sexualité。J’ai particulièrement aimé le fait que tout au long de son analyse Esther nous relate une centaine d’histoires vécues de patients。 Cela permet （ outre un certain voyeurisme ） de mieux comprendre les raisonnements et remettre en question nos jugements。 。。。more
Julia Landes
，
i really think everyone should read this book。 it tackles really important questions that most people leave as unspoken rules in relationships。 gave me a lot to think about ！
Marie
，
I just love Esther Perel's thoughtfulness around complicated topics。 After reading her book Mating in Captivity， I was pretty sure I'd want to read anything she wrote on any topic， and I was right！ I just love Esther Perel's thoughtfulness around complicated topics。 After reading her book Mating in Captivity， I was pretty sure I'd want to read anything she wrote on any topic， and I was right！ 。。。more
Faith
，
This is a real gem。 10/10 strongly recommend。
Astrid Giblin
，
tbh why did i read this。 and have the audacity to be surprised when perel fully attacked monogamy by the end。 it was somewhat interesting but concerning with transparency life details—what y’all know ab HIPAA？ not much apparently。 meh meh meh meh this book 😷 i was expecting so much more than the same general anecdote told a million times and more of a comprehensive criticism of cheating whereas this was just a therapist spilling all the gossip she’s ever acquired and calling it science
Megan Six
，
Really great。 I do wish it wasn’t so cis/heteronormative。
Eilonwy
，
Do you have a shelf for romance novels with Cheating Cheaters who are the worst of the worst？ Do you think you know what all cheaters are like， or believe "once a cheater， always a cheater"？ Esther Perel counsels couples in the crisis of discovered adultery， both together and separately。 And what she's learned is that nothing is as simple as the conclusions we all jump to about infidelity。 This was educational， insightful， and deeply empathetic。 While having read this book will not ease the pain Do you have a shelf for romance novels with Cheating Cheaters who are the worst of the worst？ Do you think you know what all cheaters are like， or believe "once a cheater， always a cheater"？ Esther Perel counsels couples in the crisis of discovered adultery， both together and separately。 And what she's learned is that nothing is as simple as the conclusions we all jump to about infidelity。 This was educational， insightful， and deeply empathetic。 While having read this book will not ease the pain of learning that one's partner has been having an affair and lying and sneaking around， it may help people to communicate and to allow compassion for each other， and to avoid immediately deciding to end a long-term marriage that may be worth salvaging。 I applaud Esther Perel for being willing to write this book about a subject no one wants to think about， talk about， or admit an interest in （believe me， I felt weird reading it in public）。 And it may inspire you to talk more with your partner about what your expectations for monogamy are， and how you achieve them。 Definitely recommended。 。。。more
Nikayla Reize
，
This was really informative and helped me support struggling friends - I've gifted it to several ppl This was really informative and helped me support struggling friends - I've gifted it to several ppl 。。。more
Angeles Fernandez
，
Esther Perel invites the reader to explore the culturally induced， deep seeded biases that live within all of us regarding infidelity。 Along the way you’ll be challenged to truly define what forgiveness， commitment， trust and intimacy mean to you， while simultaneously being exposed to the fluidity of these terms。 All flawlessly delivered with a compassionate approach towards our humanity。 A truly fascinating read about mating， dating， and marriage in the modern world。
Sean McGrath
，
One of the more freeing realizations， affirmed by this book， is that our relationships are shared， not owned。 Our partner is ours in the sense that they choose to spend their time with us。 They don’t belong to us。 They have their own wants， needs， and， as is too often overlooked， sexual desires。 Because we keep elements of our true selves hidden away - fear is a big motivator in pretense - relationships that begin one way often veer quickly into another。 And - speaking from experience here - we One of the more freeing realizations， affirmed by this book， is that our relationships are shared， not owned。 Our partner is ours in the sense that they choose to spend their time with us。 They don’t belong to us。 They have their own wants， needs， and， as is too often overlooked， sexual desires。 Because we keep elements of our true selves hidden away - fear is a big motivator in pretense - relationships that begin one way often veer quickly into another。 And - speaking from experience here - we look for esoteric reasons why things didn’t “work out” （she was too this， I wasn’t enough of that） rather than sharing our dissatisfactions。 We’re meant to believe that monogamy is the pinnacle of decency， that it’s aspirational， attainable， and wholly fulfilling。 And for some people， it is。 They find “the one，” they have a rich， loving， adventurous fifty year marriage， and that’s that。 But I’d posit that most people aren’t built that way， that we have lurking in us desires we’re afraid of sharing with our partners。 A couple years back， I told my now ex- that I was interested in trying an open relationship and she responded as if I had run over a puppy in front of her。 “It must be me，” I thought。 “I’m clearly not as good of a person as she is。” My desire for sexual adventure led me to posit an alternative to the traditional which led to an argument because neither one of us were mature enough to actually have that conversation。 Sure， I brought it up， but I didn’t fully know what it entailed。 We weren’t happy， and I thought this sounded good。 Trial and error， I suppose。 Esther Perel details case studies to provide us insight into why people cheat， what cheating means， and what we can do on the other end of it。 When the affair ends， who wins？ This book isn’t prescriptive - she’s certainly not saying， “go cheat on your spouse，” - but it’s also not shying away from the facts。 We crave adventure and stability。 We want novelty but also reassurance。 We want comfort and passion。 We ask one person to do all of these things and then wonder where desire went。 One person cannot be all of these things and we should not expect them to。 And the more honest we are in recognizing that， and the more comfortable we are in our relationships to share that notion， the likelier we are to find the happy medium that works for us and our partners。 。。。more
Danielle Cooper
，
one of the most thought provoking books I’ve listened to in the past few years。 some touching thoughts here on fidelity， monogamy， and what makes partnerships work
Katie McCraw
，
Fascinating research， diverse range of cultural studies， frank observations， perhaps occasionally a bit repetitive
Paula
，
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J Gregory Simmons
，
As much as this is a tool for couples， anyone writing contemporary fiction should include this in their reference library。 Focusing on multiple aspects， inputs， and outcomes of infidelity provides a deep-dive look at so many factors that are lost in a "he said/she said" or "no excuses-dump him/her" point of view。 Perel by no means defends cheating or cheaters but takes a closer look at the effects borne by all three individuals。 The sense of loss that can be experienced by the "other" （and I'm n As much as this is a tool for couples， anyone writing contemporary fiction should include this in their reference library。 Focusing on multiple aspects， inputs， and outcomes of infidelity provides a deep-dive look at so many factors that are lost in a "he said/she said" or "no excuses-dump him/her" point of view。 Perel by no means defends cheating or cheaters but takes a closer look at the effects borne by all three individuals。 The sense of loss that can be experienced by the "other" （and I'm not defending anything either--I know this can be a heated （for good reason） topic）。 I point out these aspects of the book because， as topics not usually addressed， this makes for excellent reading for authors who want to include more realistic portrayals of these individuals as characters in our stories。I think the book makes some excellent talking points for couples trying to recover from infidelity， but as a writer， I also wanted to point out how topics like this can help turn a cliche character into something new。js 。。。more
Jd
，
The book started off really strong but fizzled out due to redundancy。 The stories began to blur together after a point so I lost all interest in them。 This really could’ve been a blog post had it not been stretched out with so much fillerAnd to the surprise of no one…nonmongamous relationships are seemingly successful because they communicate。 That should be the take from this book。 Not non monogamy but communication。 People need to go back to that。 How do you fix the effects of an affair？ Commu The book started off really strong but fizzled out due to redundancy。 The stories began to blur together after a point so I lost all interest in them。 This really could’ve been a blog post had it not been stretched out with so much fillerAnd to the surprise of no one…nonmongamous relationships are seemingly successful because they communicate。 That should be the take from this book。 Not non monogamy but communication。 People need to go back to that。 How do you fix the effects of an affair？ Communication。 How do you prevent an affair？ Communication。 This isn’t rocket science。 Relationships are failing now because people are going into them with a lot of assumptions。 These fluid relationships are seeing that and are explicitly laying down a well communicated framework that will help prevent future problems。 This is the same stuff people thought people were doing BEFORE they got marriedThe last chapters were also iffy。 Its distinction between boundaries and borders was fragile。 How do you spend 200+ pages saying people will want to bypass boundaries but then say they won’t do the same for borders when borders， by the book’s definition， are just temporary boundaries。 They’re boundaries that can be moved。 Wouldn’t people still cheat？ She didn’t say they wouldn’t， but not mentioning that fundamentally there isn’t much of a difference would’ve made more sense than what we got Overall I’d say this book was a 3。5。 Could’ve been better if there weren’t so many stories to fill things out。 Those stories didn’t add anything but I guess you need them these days so you can tell the difference between an article and a book 。。。more
עדית （Edith）
，
A very interesting book building on her theory previously established in Mating in Captivity。 The main idea is that people are contradictory and many need both certainty and mystery in their lives， togetherness and individuality， otherwise things can flatline and turn into a bore。 This goal is probably more achievable with the right partner who shares in those goals （or for that matter， if both are okay with not having those things）。 This book gets people talking about previously taboo subjects A very interesting book building on her theory previously established in Mating in Captivity。 The main idea is that people are contradictory and many need both certainty and mystery in their lives， togetherness and individuality， otherwise things can flatline and turn into a bore。 This goal is probably more achievable with the right partner who shares in those goals （or for that matter， if both are okay with not having those things）。 This book gets people talking about previously taboo subjects and I think that is a good start to resolving many of society’s malaise。 。。。more
Jessie Juarez
，