Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
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- Create Date：2022-07-04 09:57:02
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Margalis Fjelstad
- ISBN：1442238321
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Summary
People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate， personal， and family relationships。 Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions， and Narcissists may even be highly effective， in the short term， in some work or social situations。 However， in intimate relationships， they can be emotional， aggressive， demeaning， illogical， paranoid， accusing， and controlling in the extreme。 Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant， like flipping a switch。 These negative behaviors don t happen once in a while， they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often， and especially with their Caretaker family member。 Here， Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist， and how they can get out。 Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be。 This compromises the Caretaker s self-esteem， distorts their thinking processes， and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist。 The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker s how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier， more productive， and positive lifestyle with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member。 It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new， more effective actions to focus on personal wants， needs， and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves。 It presents a realistic， yet compassionate， attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships， and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions。"
Reviews
John Lisewski
，
Very good book to those just coming out of these relationships。 Very helpful and comforting to those individuals。
Nia Harrison
，
Very insightful book that truly understands the dynamics at play and speaks harsh but needed truths。
Nima Ghaemi
，
If you had or have loved one in your life with suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic personality disorder， then this is the book for you。 The author describes close relationships between an individual with borderline/narcissism and the individual “the caretaker” without borderline/narcissism。 This book is an extreme eye-opener and allows you see understand the whole dynamic of the relationship and know the roles both parties played in what contributed to an unhealthy dyn If you had or have loved one in your life with suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic personality disorder， then this is the book for you。 The author describes close relationships between an individual with borderline/narcissism and the individual “the caretaker” without borderline/narcissism。 This book is an extreme eye-opener and allows you see understand the whole dynamic of the relationship and know the roles both parties played in what contributed to an unhealthy dynamic which resulted in a toxic relationship。 The book describes textbook pattern behaviour very thoroughly from the from Cluster B individuals & caretakers。 In the eyes of the borderline/narcissist， you are either subconsciously or consciously seen as the wounding parent which can trigger repetition compulsion。 Finally， if you know a loved one suffering from either personality disorders， encourage them to seek help through different treatments available to allow them to leave this dreadful disorder behind and seek a healthy well-balanced life。 。。。more
Susan
，
Is it overstating to say this book is life changing？ The timing for me made this so。 This book helped me accept some things about my mother a psychologist was suggesting， and had many meaningful comments and ideas in dealing with difficulties in our relationship at her advanced age。 Many aspects we have tried were validated and I could tell multiple levels are listed so I can re-read as needed。
Anysa
，
The author thinks that people allow themselves to be abused， and they have the power to stop the abuse if only they would choose to want it。The reality is that people get trapped in toxic relationships。 some are so confused that they do not even know that they are in a toxic relationship。 The victims who wake up and realize that they are being abused do everything in their power to break free。 But getting yourself free from a predator （nartcissist/borderline） requires lots of work， and planning The author thinks that people allow themselves to be abused， and they have the power to stop the abuse if only they would choose to want it。The reality is that people get trapped in toxic relationships。 some are so confused that they do not even know that they are in a toxic relationship。 The victims who wake up and realize that they are being abused do everything in their power to break free。 But getting yourself free from a predator （nartcissist/borderline） requires lots of work， and planning because the predator sees you as an asset/resource and they will not allow you to leave。People living in toxic relationships are living against their will。 of course， they want the abuse to stop。No body enjoys gang rape。I have never met a person who told me that their dream is to be gang-raped。 Narcissistic abuse is like a gang rape-one person raping you in multiple ways。Victims do break free from toxic relationship when they create a good plan to escape the clutches of the predator。Dear author，Don't call narcissists/borderlines mentally ill。 It's like calling a tiger a cat， just because it looks a cat 。 These people are predators who are looking for good people to abuse and exploit。 A more appropriate definition of these people is that these people are evil。 。。。more
Sofia
，
haven’t read it but the title gives away how shit it is
Joanna Rand
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Thought it was a very good book and well written。 It gives good advice and lays the groundwork regarding steps to take to handle relationships with BL/N people。 The only objection I have to this book is that I felt the entire time I was reading it that I needed to have read a prequel。 What I mean by that is that those who end up in relationships with BL/N are also broken to a certain extent。 This BL/N person they are trying to deal with has not been the 1st one in their lives。 They attract those Thought it was a very good book and well written。 It gives good advice and lays the groundwork regarding steps to take to handle relationships with BL/N people。 The only objection I have to this book is that I felt the entire time I was reading it that I needed to have read a prequel。 What I mean by that is that those who end up in relationships with BL/N are also broken to a certain extent。 This BL/N person they are trying to deal with has not been the 1st one in their lives。 They attract those people because the BL/N personality has risen to epidemic levels in our society。 The BL/N is with them because they can see that they are broken。 Not only can they see it， but so does everyone else they interact with so it affects all facets of their lives。 I need a suggestion for a book to read that will help them to get out of that rut。 This book does discuss that part of that personality to a certain extend but it doesn't concentrate on that as the primary objective of this book is assisting somewhat mentally healthy individuals who are in BL/N relationships and that scenerio really doesn't exist。 In reality， you can't move on with your life looking for assistance when everyone else around you sees you the same way that your BL/N partner does。 Those peiple in a relationshis like this have had to deal with this their entire lives…。。 people seeing them one way when they see themselves another。 There are those who have always considered themselves as very caring and nurturing people but there are so many out there that take advantage of that and try to run others lives because they think thay can。 I guess I'm saying I wouldn't want to be that kind of a person in order to avoid all the BL/N personality people out there。 The book mentions allowing yourself to be whom you are but what if whom you are is what BL/N are attracted to。 You end up fighting them off at every turn and that leaves you totally alone with no family or friends。 The organizations for support for the caretakers of BL/N people can end up being superficial。 And if you finally do find someone to add to your support system they don't want to be involved with the victim because that pwrson IS with a BL/N spouse。 Let's face it。。。the reality of this situation is that you're going to have to completely remove this BL/N person out of your life before you can move on。 。。。more
Jo
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I found parts of this book very useful， both in terms of understanding people with these disorders and ways to effectively navigate interactions with them。
Cristina Quattrone
，
An absolute must-read for anyone who is related to someone with BPD or NPD。 Will probably reread it several times- it gave me names for things I’ve always known but never been able to/allowed to believe。 A reminder of the transformative power of books to shift our perspective and lens。
Brittania Sky
，
As a mental health advocate with CPTSD who's been the victim/survivor of abuse from someone both with BPD and narcissism。。。 it is extremely dangerous to be villainizing mental health disorders。 Especially ones like BPD。 The abuse I suffered was not because that person had BPD， it is because they were also an abuser。 I know many people with BPD who are just living with trauma most could never imagine， yet trying to do nothing but good and working to better themselves and the world consistently。 M As a mental health advocate with CPTSD who's been the victim/survivor of abuse from someone both with BPD and narcissism。。。 it is extremely dangerous to be villainizing mental health disorders。 Especially ones like BPD。 The abuse I suffered was not because that person had BPD， it is because they were also an abuser。 I know many people with BPD who are just living with trauma most could never imagine， yet trying to do nothing but good and working to better themselves and the world consistently。 Most everyday people can't say the same。 Blaming abuse on mental health disorders only further stigmatizes the cause。 An abuser can be any person， disorder or not。 And you can have a disorder like BPD， and not do horrible things to other people。 Don't let books like these tell you otherwise。Now， if goodreads could stop promoting this book through mental health groups where people go for a safe place to open up and grow into better versions of themselves， that would be great。 。。。more
Rachel Rowlands Talcott
，
This is the first book I have read on the subject that doesn’t say， there is no hope。 He or she won’t change and you need to go no contact。 Although the step/changes to yourself will be hard but there is some hope。 It basically explains what is going on， changes you can make to stop being a caretaker and then options if you want to make things work better， it gives you ideas。 And if you don’t then tips on how to separate with the least amount of pain and conflict。 Basically the decision is yours This is the first book I have read on the subject that doesn’t say， there is no hope。 He or she won’t change and you need to go no contact。 Although the step/changes to yourself will be hard but there is some hope。 It basically explains what is going on， changes you can make to stop being a caretaker and then options if you want to make things work better， it gives you ideas。 And if you don’t then tips on how to separate with the least amount of pain and conflict。 Basically the decision is yours！！！！ 。。。more
Anita NotherBook
，
Overall， this was a helpful book。 I especially liked the part at the end that includes tips for how to start caring about and loving yourself instead of spending so much energy caretaking a person who doesn't have the capacity to care about or love you the right way。 That part was kind of like a self help manual or a "how to adult，" "how to make friends，" "how to have the kind of life you want" manual included at the very end （maybe like 90% and on） of a book that is otherwise about protecting y Overall， this was a helpful book。 I especially liked the part at the end that includes tips for how to start caring about and loving yourself instead of spending so much energy caretaking a person who doesn't have the capacity to care about or love you the right way。 That part was kind of like a self help manual or a "how to adult，" "how to make friends，" "how to have the kind of life you want" manual included at the very end （maybe like 90% and on） of a book that is otherwise about protecting yourself from toxic people and trying to end the unhealthy dynamics of dysfunctional relationships with narcissists。To me caretaking seems similar to co-dependency and when I'd tried to read books about that before， such as Codependent No More， they were all based in 12-step models that didn't make any sense to me as an atheist。 This is a practical guide on how to realize why the narcissistic person in your life won't ever change， how to accept it and focus on yourself instead。 It's based in real life and doesn't ask you to pray to a higher power/doorknob/God to solve all your problems but instead shows you how to solve them yourself and that， since life is short， you're the only person you should primarily be worried about （and obviously any minor children you brought into this world and are responsible for taking care of） and that focusing on taking care of your own needs is the key to a healthy， happy life- NOT taking care of grown adults who should be able to take care of themselves but can't/won't。 In my opinion it's important to break that cycle and model healthy ways of living to our children so that we don't end up passing this unhealthy way of living down to them， thus perpetuating the problem of emotional stuntedness forever in our families。I still don't know enough about borderline personality disorder even after reading this book to talk about that so my review is focused on it as it applies to narcissists。 But basically I think it can apply to any toxic person who is self-centered and expects you to cater to them rather and/or is controlling and gets upset with your attempts to individuate yourself。 I understand that a lot of this （especially with borderline） can come down to trauma responses and mental illnesses and that maybe these people don't have control over how they are but to me it's all the same。。。 just like an alcoholic or drug addict is suffering from a mental health illness but if they don't want to or are unable to do the work necessary to change then they are likely not healthy people to try to have a good relationship with or have a lot of contact with in your life even if you love them very much and wish them the best。 Also， in some parts this book sounds like it can apply to any narc in your life， including friendships， relationships， families of origin and families you marry into， but at other parts it is heavily geared towards being married to or in a relationship with a narc。 That part doesn't apply to me but in general most of the issues and advice are the same and can apply to any kind of relationship。My only issue with the book is a big one， though， and that is that it still seemed as if some of the advice was too enabling or caretaking。 I understand that not everyone wants to or can cut out the narcissist（s） in their life （especially in the case of co-parenting with a narcissist or I suppose if it's your own child who is like this）， but after hearing the descriptions of narcissists and how little regard or respect they have for the people in their lives， I was just left thinking， who on earth would still want to talk to such a person if they don't have to， let alone voluntarily have constant contact with them？ I thought some of her suggestions for how to "manage" people like this （which is the only way to remain in any kind of a "relationship" with them， although it's a very one-sided "relationship" and therefore not really， in my opinion， a real relationship at all） were practical in that they showed you how to minimize drama in the best way possible for your own sake but sometimes they bordered on enabling in that your focus always still had to be on the narcissists and in my opinion some of that kind of advice is a little irresponsible or even unethical。 It can be manipulative and dishonest， just like the narcissist， so that you become （or stay） what you hate rather than changing and growing even if that means it's at the expense of your relationship with the narc。 For instance， she says not to "surprise" the narc with a change in plans and instead ease into it slowly and gives an example of saying weeks in advance that they want you to teach a class at school and ask them what they think about it， then the next week say that Mondays and Wednesdays are the options and ask if they prefer one or the other， and then the next week say that the school is requiring it to be on Mondays and there's nothing you can do about it， but to make them feel better about it by saying something they gain from it， such as， "Now you have Monday nights all to yourself and I know how you like to watch Monday night football。"And I was just thinking， what in the everloving fork？ How exhausting！ Why would you advise someone to make their own life plans be all about the narc in their life， and， from what it sounded like， anyway， lie and trickle truth to them instead of just coming right out like a healthy adult and saying， "I was offered a position to teach a class on Monday nights， aren't you excited for me？" And if they make it about them and say anything other than， "Yes， that's so exciting， congrats！" then kick that person out of your life because you really。 don't。 need。 them。 Instead， the author gives advice that in my opinion keeps the unhealthy nature and dynamic of the relationship and keeps it all centered on the narc and keeps the enabling/caretaking/co-dependent partner in a position of being smaller all so the narc's fragile ego can feel bigger。 In fact， the author didn't even mention enabling much at all and how unhealthy it is for YOU as well as for THEM and not to mention when there are kids involved- it's not a good thing to expose them to regularly or teach them is normal。 I wanted her to put more of an emphasis on breaking the cycle and modeling healthy behaviors， communication and relationships to our children。I think maybe I picked up this book when I was further along in my journey than some people who might pick it up， as I have already worked hard to cut out narcissistic， self-absorbed and toxic people from my life， but am still working on figuring out who I am without them and becoming that person。 So it may depend on what stage you're at with dealing with or extricating yourself from a relationship with a narcissist， as to how much you'll get out of this book。 If you're considering cut-off or already have， be forewarned that that's the area in which the author provides the least amount of support （although to be fair， she mentions that it's all about YOU and how you choose to view and interact with [or not] the narcissist， so in some ways it's not important but in others it would be nice to receive more validation， support and advice in this direction。）The author does list cut off as an option and has some pretty good advice about how to do it but it's rather buried and she seems to think it's way too hard to cut off people who are part of our family tree and I wish she would advise people stronger than if anyone is treating you badly， even if or maybe especially if they're blood related， you have no obligation to keep talking to them and the best and healthiest thing to do is often to severe the relationship completely。 In my opinion our family should treat us as well as or better than our friends because， if they don't， then we are perfectly capable of finding friends who treat us better and why would we would to put up with bad treatment from the people on this planet who are supposed to love us the most but who are actually destroying us with their misery and toxicity？ I wish she had talked about trauma we pass down through generations and how to break those chains for our loved ones。But I'm probably wanting too much out of the book that is specific to my own situation and I know she couldn't cover everything。 I've been thinking that if you HAVE to stay with a narcissist than really that's the only way to do it so I guess if she gives that advice as a last resort option it makes sense， or it can help a person wake up from the FOG （fear， obligation and guilt） that's experienced when in a relationship with this type of person， so that hopefully as the reads starts to follow this advice， set boundaries and realize what little "relationship" they can actually have with a person like this， that they might feel encouraged to keep making more changes。 She does mention another category of people who might "need" to stay kind of closely connected with a narc and that's people who are religious and believe marriage is forever no matter what。 （In that case she said they could live apart and that the non-narc can focus on living their own life the way they want and need for once instead of always catering to what the narc wants or being subject to their abuse， which I think would be a good solution in the event that you feel you must stay married。） In my opinion the narcissist's actions can be emotional abuse and when it is， that can do the same or worse damage to a person as physical abuse and it's always okay to leave such a marriage （or other relationship/family system， etc。） But others feel that because it's a mental illness and they promised "in sickness and in health" that they can't leave， so， in that case you have to stop living in denial and treat the person differently， as a person with a mental health disorder， just like you would necessarily have to treat a child with a disability a different way and make special accommodations for them that you wouldn't have to do with children who aren't disabled， etc。 I understand that part of it to some degree and I did really like the whole emphasis in the first part about coming out of denial and out of the whole family/relationship system of denial which can be very difficult， and dealing with the person realistically and in a way that allows you to live your best life under the circumstances。 In my personal opinion even if it's a mental illness sometimes that's no justification for staying- people have addictions that cause them to steal from people/rob them and mental illnesses that cause them to want to physically hurt them and none of these people are safe to be around or trust even though they have a really good excuse of a mental illness， and I think most or at least severe narcissists are the same way， just emotionally。 They rob you of your true self and they hurt you emotionally so that they can feel better emotionally and that is really sick and twisted and not something I can encourage anyone to keep in their life even if it's a mental illness that's causing it。Unfortunately sometimes we have to cut these unhealthy people out of our lives in order to even be able to experience any kind of healthy life without them。 But to some extent I do understand those with differing opinions who feel some obligation to keep them around or perhaps "love" for a person who is truly incapable of loving them back or who may have even created or married them just for sadistic reasons， so， I'm trying to be open-minded about it and understand why some of that advice that made my stomach churn was included。I guess another circumstance where you might HAVE to deal with a narc at least temporarily is at work， if they're your boss。 I obviously would suggest getting another job but I know that's often easier said than done。 Or a teacher and it's impossible to change classes。 （I have definitely had some bad teachers I was trapped with when I was in school。 And some great ones too of course！）Or if you have a neighbor or particularly pushy co-worker who is a narc （and if they're a narc they'll definitely show up trying to be narcy no matter where they are！）， then this could give you some tips on how to best deal with them I guess。 But in my opinion there's no room for having to caretake someone to even the degree she gives essentially as "advice on how to stop caretaking yet still being in a relationship with a narcissist"） and it's better to just leave those relationships if you have the choice， no matter who the person is！Otherwise I liked it and I need to be reminded of these truths sometimes so that I don't backslide， much like a recovering alcoholic needs to remind themselves why they can't drink alcohol or they might go back。 （At least that's the stage I'm in right now although I hope to one day be completely free and not even think about such selfish， toxic people anymore at all but in the meantime this book was helpful for that purpose。） One thought I kept having while/after listening to this book was this societal obligation to put other people， especially family members or spouses， etc。， first and not be selfish， which is often taken advantage of by narcissists even more， in that they are most often the ones saying （or implying with actions as they rarely straight up communicate directly or say what's really on their mind; it's all about manipulation and hidden motives） that you have to put them first when ironically they are also the ones putting themselves first at all times and being upset with you if you don't put them first enough- they are NOT the ones following their own advice and putting YOU first！ So， of course due to this kind of programming and upbringing， you're going to live life thinking you're responsible for taking care of their needs （and often everyone else's needs which is where the co-dependent part really comes in， although the book didn't get into it very much as it kept the focus on this one relationship， which was good， I think） instead of your own needs and it's going to be really hard for you to break away from that pattern and realize what complete and utter BS it is。 Someone else told you you should think of others and not be selfish because they wanted you to be thinking of them and putting them first all the time; it's NOT selfish to start thinking of yourself first and taking care of your own needs。 In fact， it will help you be the best person you can be for yourself and those you love and especially if you have children。 In my experience it's impossible to truly focus on your childrens' needs if you've been trained to put someone else's needs first and foremost above all else， and you need to change around the whole script if you want to start to learn to be the kind of parent your children most need。So， the book definitely made me think and helped me learn some new things even if I had some major issues with that one big part of it。 I wavered between rating it 3 and 4 stars but I really think she should change or remove some of her advice that essentially allows people to continue making themselves smaller in order to make the narc feel bigger- something I never agree with as the solution- so I ended up rating it 3 stars although overall it was a 3。5 star read for me。 （I listened to it on audiobook and really liked the narrator。 5 stars to her。） I'd recommend this book to people dealing with this type of person， with the caveats listed above。 If you are in this situation my heart goes out to you as it is so hard to navigate and eventually hopefully escape from- best wishes and I hope the book helps！ 。。。more
Kirby Whitehead
，
This book reads like a training manual for relating to those with borderline and narcissistic personality disorder。 The book educates， normalizes， and provides instruction for living in this situations。 It identifies caretaking patterns which reinforce harmful ways of relating。 It is redundant at times， but this is helpfully reinforcing as it covers different facets of the phenomenon。 Highly recommended for therapists or people in difficult relationships。
Bella
，
This book had everything I was looking for， it helped me understand my own unhealthy patterns of caretaking， family members with NP/BPD， and how to deal with them。
E J
，
while there are many good tips for people stuck in a dynamic with somebody where they need to assert boundaries and build their sense of self， this book is riddled with a lot of stigmatising definites about the nature of personality disorders。 i appreciated that it acknowledged the caretaker role is not positive， inherently kind， or something to romanticise。 but i don’t agree with the individualistic， you and only you are responsible for your feelings approach。 i think if you have an abusive per while there are many good tips for people stuck in a dynamic with somebody where they need to assert boundaries and build their sense of self， this book is riddled with a lot of stigmatising definites about the nature of personality disorders。 i appreciated that it acknowledged the caretaker role is not positive， inherently kind， or something to romanticise。 but i don’t agree with the individualistic， you and only you are responsible for your feelings approach。 i think if you have an abusive person in your life that you can’t leave this will provide good tips。 however if you are trying to repair and build a healthy relationship with somebody you love with a personality disorder， i think this book will mostly serve to reinforce harmful ideas about them as a permanently evil person who cannot and will not change and doesn’t care about you。 also despite warning against manipulation a lot of the tips are just manipulation lmao which is fine just a funny clash of ideas。 。。。more
Martin Sisolak
，
6 stars out of 5！ This book is better than all the youtube videos on narcissism。 I dont understand that none of them talks about caretaking the narcissist。 Or maybe I havent searched caretaking on youtube。 Anyway， it is great， comprehensive， easy to read and covers the topic completely from describing narcissism to healing and having good relationships/friendships。 I read book Codependent no more and havent seen myself as codependent。 But Margalis described me completely。 Caretaker！ That is what 6 stars out of 5！ This book is better than all the youtube videos on narcissism。 I dont understand that none of them talks about caretaking the narcissist。 Or maybe I havent searched caretaking on youtube。 Anyway， it is great， comprehensive， easy to read and covers the topic completely from describing narcissism to healing and having good relationships/friendships。 I read book Codependent no more and havent seen myself as codependent。 But Margalis described me completely。 Caretaker！ That is what I was！ Again， I have no idea why none of the youtube vids mentions it。 I took photos of many pages from the book to keep memorable paragraphs on the go。 And there were too many of them。 。。。more
Muteb
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This book is a life-changing！
Joshua Dew
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This book was recommended to my wife by her therapist for working through some issues related to being raised by a borderline/narcissist parent。 I decided to read it along with her as a way of being supportive。 The information was well-organized， straightforward， and， when put into practice， positively life-altering。
Katt Winter
，
I think some of the book is informative but the clustering of NPD and BPD without explanations of the variances of both spectrum disorders is unhelpful。 For instance not all BPDS are explosive， angry or verbally abusive some are avoidant， or dissassociate deeply。 Some pwBPD are also accountable and don't play blame game but also have no follow through。 What the book does do right is give some examples of caregiving and bpd dynamics but this book is one of the reasons that self help will never re I think some of the book is informative but the clustering of NPD and BPD without explanations of the variances of both spectrum disorders is unhelpful。 For instance not all BPDS are explosive， angry or verbally abusive some are avoidant， or dissassociate deeply。 Some pwBPD are also accountable and don't play blame game but also have no follow through。 What the book does do right is give some examples of caregiving and bpd dynamics but this book is one of the reasons that self help will never replace actual psychology or therapy。 I have read mainly psychology books this year and a big problem of pop psychology is making stereotypes to make a complex disorder more digestible to the masses but where that falls short is people will not think this book applies to them because the stereotypes don't fit。 I remember I read a book on BPD 9 years ago and I thought it was nothing like the person I knew who then ended up being diagnosed with it by several psychologists later。 So keep that in mind while reading this book。 This book seems to be aimed more at UBPD or NPD traits。 The books shine when describing the caretaker mentality。 It should have mainly focused on that。 That's also where we， the reader， can learn more about ourselves process what's true or false about such roles for ourselves， but the parts about people w bpd can be extremely stigmatizing for an illness that's already pretty stigmatized and that's why im giving this two stars。 。。。more
عهد Aahd
，
You’ve heard it before， but I would give this book six stars if I could。 The oversimplification of narcissistic-codependency relationship descriptions predominant in most online resources I’ve come across hasn’t quite sat well with me， and I’ve found it often not enough relatable， which reinforced the self doubt。 It was such a relief to see how much complexity and nuances are acknowledged and integrated here。 I don’t know who needs to read this， but you are not crazy。 Please make sure to read/li You’ve heard it before， but I would give this book six stars if I could。 The oversimplification of narcissistic-codependency relationship descriptions predominant in most online resources I’ve come across hasn’t quite sat well with me， and I’ve found it often not enough relatable， which reinforced the self doubt。 It was such a relief to see how much complexity and nuances are acknowledged and integrated here。 I don’t know who needs to read this， but you are not crazy。 Please make sure to read/listen to this book for your own sanity。 。。。more
Cal
，
This book really helped me。
Michelle Stanley
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This is a helpful book in terms of understanding BPD better。 I work in mental health care and found it helpful even though it’s more from the perspective of you being in a relationship with a BPD individual it still had a lot of insight and knowledge。
Bobbi Jo
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I recently found myself being drawn back into the Caretaking role for my NP mother the last few months， after spending a lot of time at their home helping with my father who has early stage dementia （he isn't capable of fulfilling the Caretaker role anymore）。 I found my mental health declining and decided I needed to start setting some boundaries， but didn't know where to start。 This book has been a great resource and I will be referencing it often as I start doing the work to get out of the Car I recently found myself being drawn back into the Caretaking role for my NP mother the last few months， after spending a lot of time at their home helping with my father who has early stage dementia （he isn't capable of fulfilling the Caretaker role anymore）。 I found my mental health declining and decided I needed to start setting some boundaries， but didn't know where to start。 This book has been a great resource and I will be referencing it often as I start doing the work to get out of the Caretaking role while still being around for my father。 。。。more
Elise Werner
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Getting freeLiked how she broke down the disorder and gave it absolute traits。 Liked examples she wrote to facilitate certain traits。
Eric
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Superb。 Hope to review it after some time to think。
Don
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If you're trying to understand your relationship with somebody who has borderline personality disorder， I would recommend that you read this book along with Stop Walking on Eggshells。 The latter title helps you to understand the other person， and this book helps you to understand yourself。 Here's the thing。 If you're immersed in such a relationship -- in other words， if you're a caretaker -- then you've got problems yourself。 You probably don't have a personality disorder， but your own personali If you're trying to understand your relationship with somebody who has borderline personality disorder， I would recommend that you read this book along with Stop Walking on Eggshells。 The latter title helps you to understand the other person， and this book helps you to understand yourself。 Here's the thing。 If you're immersed in such a relationship -- in other words， if you're a caretaker -- then you've got problems yourself。 You probably don't have a personality disorder， but your own personality deficiencies have allowed this other person to control your life。 And you'll probably be unable to rid yourself of this relationship or at least set the right boundaries if you don't understand what's happening in your own psyche， don't understand how your own low self-esteem and do-gooder tendencies are enabling the abuse。 This author gets it。 I get the feeling that she's counseled hundreds and hundreds of people trapped in such relationships， and it felt as though she were writing directly to me。 。。。more
Mephistia
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Very direct and to the point with applicable， useful tips and tools that can be implemented immediately。 I checked it out as a library book and within 90 pages realized this was such an important resource， I purchased a copy for myself and a copy for a friend in a similar situation。
Taylor Dollens
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This book changed my life and in many ways saved my life。 It gave me the strength I needed to finally file for a divorce and to create distance and space between the person and myself and our children。 After 5 years together and 3。5 married， I'd become so enmeshed and so committed to assisting them in presenting the lie of happiness and success to those outside our home all while living in this emotionally abusive environment。 There was an event when my second child was born that forced me to di This book changed my life and in many ways saved my life。 It gave me the strength I needed to finally file for a divorce and to create distance and space between the person and myself and our children。 After 5 years together and 3。5 married， I'd become so enmeshed and so committed to assisting them in presenting the lie of happiness and success to those outside our home all while living in this emotionally abusive environment。 There was an event when my second child was born that forced me to disconnect and withdraw and this event was the space I needed to realize that the life I was living wasn't normal and wasn't healthy for me。 It took me another 18 months and a final threat of divorce from them along with them draining thousands from our family bank account， but I did do it。 I'm learning everyday how to not engage， but it is still difficult。 However， if you have taken over that caretaking role of someone with BPD or a Narcissist this book gives actual tools， examples， and even responses you can use to stop the ongoing drama。 If your person isn't so extreme， they also give really wonderful tips on how to manage a life with them and how to set boundaries for yourself to ensure your own happiness。 It's great because it focuses only on actions and things you have control over and while it talks a lot about their actions and thought process， it remains focused on the power and control you have over your own situation and I found that very valuable because it is so easy in that environment to feel utterly helpless even when to the rest of the world - you seem to be quite the opposite！ I found her examples and her explanations to be uncanny。 I really thought there was no possible explanation or way to describe the life I was living and the descriptions of the BDP or Narcissist were so accurate I thought for sure she had to have known this person in my life。 I look forward to reading her other books as I continue on my journey。 I will be referencing this one for a very long time though。 I can't recommend this book enough if it applies to your life。 It will be helpful。 。。。more
Lanre Dahunsi
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In order to move through the stages from Caretaker to self-care， you need to know what you think， how you feel， what you want， and how you want to live your life。Marriage and Family Therapist Margalis Fjelstad profers strategies for dealing and living with people with Borderline or Narcissist Personality Disorders。 In Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life， Margalis shares tools for breaking the cycle of drama and ways for developing a new path of In order to move through the stages from Caretaker to self-care， you need to know what you think， how you feel， what you want， and how you want to live your life。Marriage and Family Therapist Margalis Fjelstad profers strategies for dealing and living with people with Borderline or Narcissist Personality Disorders。 In Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life， Margalis shares tools for breaking the cycle of drama and ways for developing a new path of personal freedom， discovery， and self-awareness。The book looks at how someone can move from being a caring person to being a Caretaker and the effects of that role。 Factors that contribute to these more extreme reactions， how they impact your life as a Caretaker， how Caretakers are set up for failure， how to get out of the Caretaker role， and how to become that loving， caring person you want to be。Unhealthy RelationshipBeing in a relationship with a borderline/narcissist can be intoxicating， full of spontaneity， exciting， and thrilling。 You may feel deeply needed and super important to him or her。 At the same time， this life is all about them and none about you。 You may have even lost sight of who you are and what you want， and your own interests， feelings， and needs。 You may have even lost friends and family connections because of the borderline/narcissist。A healthy relationship is one that nurtures and reflects both partners。 It fulfills the needs of both people—and it attends to the goals and interests and desires of both people。 It is not always on high alert。 Decisions in healthy relationships are made calmly after a discussion of both people’s needs and wants and people follow through with what they say they are going to do。 A healthy relationship gives you energy， helps you feel relaxed， and makes you feel wanted and comfortable just the way you already are。Personality DisorderPersonality is considered to be the pattern of behaviors， motivations， thoughts， ways of speaking， sense of self， individual quirkiness， and so on that is unique to a specific person。Because of a biological sensitivity to emotional stress， some people do not process information about the world in such an orderly fashion。 They tend to have a “highly sensitive” emotional system that reacts instantaneously and intensely to their experiences。 They do not adjust to change very well or very quickly。BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER （BPD）BPD is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders （4th ed。） （DSM-IV） as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships， self-image and affects or moods， and marked impulsivity， beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts。NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER （NPD）Narcissists are people with two different self-esteems。 There is a false sense of self （i。e。， a pretend self that is extremely positive and desirable） and the hidden real self underneath the facade that is fearful and anxious。HOW BORDERLINES AND NARCISSISTS ARE ALIKE AND DIFFERENTDespite the differences in these two external personality patterns， borderlines and narcissists share a similar internal sense of low self-esteem， fear， anxiety，paranoia， and deep emotional pain from a sense of “not feeling good enough。” Both will also go to extremes to protect their emotional vulnerability。Most important， both use many of the same defense mechanisms: blaming， projection， devaluing， idealization， splitting， denial， distortion， rationalization， and passive-aggressiveness。 Narcissists also use omnipotence， whereas borderlines will use acting out。 Sometimes these defense mechanisms can reach delusional or psychotic levels。CARETAKER PERSONALITYPeople who become Caretakers for a BP/NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits。 These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder。” In fact， they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families， at work， and socially， especially when they are at moderate levels。 They include a desire to do a good job， enjoyment in pleasing others， a desire to care for others， peacemaking， a gentle and mild temperament， and calm and reasonable behaviors。What is common to all Caretakers， however， is a high level of needing to care for others， a willingness to let go of any and all of your own needs， an amazing adaptability， great skill in soothing and calming other people， a lot of internal guilt， high levels of responsibility， and a great dislike of conflict。SplittingSplitting is a defense mechanism that divides the world—all events， people， and feelings—into either good or bad。 In order to feel okay， BP/NPs work hard to keep hold of all the good feelings。 They identify with the good feelings。 Whenever they have bad feelings， BP/NPs become intensely frightened and fear being overwhelmed by them。 So BP/NPs place all the blame and responsibility for those bad feelings on someone/something outside themselves as a way to get rid of those feelings。 The BP/NP needs the Caretaker to carry these bad feelings and be responsible for them。THE DRAMA TRIANGLEStephen Karpman designed the Drama Triangle to outline the way these dysfunctional relationship patterns fit into actual roles。 The roles of persecutor， rescuer， and victim appear consistently in drama-dominated， unequal relationships and keep those relationships from maturing and functioning in a healthy， happy， relaxed way。 The borderline， narcissist， and Caretaker typically get locked into these three rigid and self-rewarding/self-punishing roles as their only choices。The persecutor has the attitude of “It’s all your fault。” This role includes blaming， criticizing， anger， rigid demands， rules， and expectations， all aimed at the victim。The victim carries the stance of “Poor me。” The person in this role feels hopeless， powerless， overwhelmed， and helpless。 The victim refuses to make decisions， take action， or solve problems and remains clueless to what is happening and how to fix it。 Thus， the victim never has to take responsibility for anything。The rescuer has the job to “help，” whether he or she actually wants to or not。 It is a demand， fueled by external and internal guilt， that almost “forces” you to take care of protecting anyone who acts like a victim。karpman-drama-triangleCaretaking vs CoDependencyCodependency seems to be a more pervasive set of personality traits that are applied in every aspect of a person’s life， including at work， in friendships， at school， in parenting， and in intimate relationships。 Codependent behaviors could be described quite similarly to those that Caretakers use。 However， most Caretakers take on this role almost exclusively inside the family and primarily only with the borderline or narcissist。Often Caretakers are very independent， good decision makers， competent， and capable on their own when not in a relationship with a borderline or narcissist。 It is almost as if the Caretaker lives in two different worlds with two different sets of behaviors， rules， and expectations， one set with the BP/NP and another with everyone else。 You may even hide your caretaking behaviors from others and try to protect other family members from taking on caretaking behavior， much like child abuse victims try to protect siblings from being abused。FOG – Fear， Obligation and GuiltThe Caretaker role is created by a combination of highly sympathetic and parasympathetic responses， a personality guided primarily by a particular combination of feelings （fear， obligation， and guilt） as well as random and calculated reinforcement by the BP/NP， and a chaotic environment that needs organization to function to meet the basic physical and financial needs of the family。DelusionsA delusion is a strongly and adamantly held belief that has no basis in fact or is even contrary to fact。 BP/NPs use a lot of internally created， delusional explanations for how they came to feel so terrible。 To them， their feelings are the actual truth of reality despite any facts to the contrary。 If they feel a certain way， BP/NPs will assume that someone or something outside of themselves made them feel that way。Illogical ThinkingYou hang onto the delusional belief that if you could just find the “right way” to explain things， then the BP/NP would see things clearly and the relationship could be healed。 Actually， BP/NPs seem to have a random mix of logical and illogical thoughts， which can lead you to think that you have reason for hope。 The truth is that the BP/NP is unable to consistently respond logically。 You may find it hard to believe that this ability just comes and goes in a random manner。 However， that is exactly the reality of dealing with a BP/NP。 So when you get so caught up trying to be logical， you are trapping yourself in the Caretaker role。Enmeshment Enmeshment results when you and the BP/NP merge into one， and it is exemplified by behaviors such as talking for each other， assuming that both of you think the same about everything， expecting to react or feel exactly the same in a situation， lack of privacy， assuming that everything that belongs to one belongs to the other， and always using “we” instead of “I” （e。g。， “we think” and “we feel”）。 Enmeshment happens to some extent in most long-term relationships， but it is extreme in the relationship with the BP/NP。Caretaker Involvement LevelsSELF-DEFEATERSSelf-defeating Caretakers consistently select relationships that are rejecting and humiliating。If you are a self-defeating Caretaker， you may find yourself drawn over and over to situations and relationships where you find yourself disappointed， mistreated， unappreciated， or humiliated。 Perhaps you consistently get into relationships where you are made fun of， your partner cheats on you， or your partner is already married， keeps breaking up with you， or tells you that he or she doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you attractive。 Yet you continue to pursue the relationship。PATHOLOGICAL ALTRUISMAt this level， you find joy in giving to others。 You like making others feel happy。 You often surprise others with thoughtful gifts and doing favors。 However， you may find it uncomfortable and a little embarrassing when others do the same for you。 You don’t know how to accept thanks， or you may brush off gratitude or blush when others are appreciative。 It may take you quite awhile before you notice that your needs， wants， and feelings are not paid much attention by the BP/NP。 He or she doesn’t seem to notice when you are tired or need a kind word or a neck rub like you would do for him or her。 You may begin to feel that you are being taken for granted and unappreciated。PROTESTING COLLUDERSIn the middle of the continuum are the Caretakers who may never have been a Caretaker in other relationships。 You may find yourself stuck in the relationship with the BP/NP because you are a good-hearted person， caring， understanding， and rather confused by the strange behavior of the BP/NP。 You have a strong tendency to feel sorry for the borderline’s pain or lured into the excitement and fun that the narcissist offers early in the relationship。SELF-PROTECTORSSelf-protecting Caretakers have learned to step away from the drama with the BP/NP。 You set limits and refuse to interact with the BP/NP when he or she is being manipulative and demanding。 By thinking ahead， you plan your interactions with the BP/NP to avoid falling into the persecutor/victim/rescuer game。 You work consistently to be aware of your own thoughts， needs， and beliefs in order to maintain a separate sense of yourself。 However， all of this awareness takes a lot of planning and energy。CUTOFFSPeople who fall into this category may still be afraid of falling into the Caretaker role and adamantly refuse to give into that behavior。 You may have been stuck in the Drama Triangle with a BP/NP in the past， been forced into a Caretaker role as a child， or gotten out of a disastrous relationship with a BP/NP and have some fear of being pulled back into the role of Caretaker。 Cutoff behavior does not denote noncaretaking。 This is still a reaction to being vulnerable and fearful of being pulled back into the Caretaker role。 You may find that you know you don’t want to be a Caretaker but also be anxious that the BP/NP or others could use guilt， pity， or manipulation to force you back into that role。NONCARETAKERSA true noncaretaker very rarely gets caught into the drama games of the BP/NP。 Noncaretakers do not feel a need to protect， save， feel sorry for， or understand the borderline。 They do not feel extra special， dazzled， or even interested in the over-the-top attention and self-importance that the narcissist displays。 Instead， noncaretakers see the BP/NP as strange， odd， and annoying。 The noncaretaker’s typical reaction is to move away from interacting with the BP/NP because the usual give-and-take and the normal boundaries of a healthy relationship are constantly being breached。 This is uncomfortable and irritating for a noncaretaker who picks up very quickly that the interaction is not relaxed， comfortable， or rewarding。ACCEPTING THE FACTSThe BP/NP is mentally ill and will not get better in the foreseeable future。 This is a fact that is denied by the BP/NP （he or she thinks that you are the crazy person）， and you have colluded in this distortion。 You have to give up your hope and fantasy that， with your help and direction and giving in and putting up with all that goes on， the BP/NP will somehow get better。 As long as you stay in the Caretaker role， you are reinforcing the insane， dysfunctional behavior of the BP/NP。 These are facts that you must come to see and accept。Yale communication model。If you want to talk clearly about something that is bothering you， a good process to follow is the Yale communication model。 Use it first with yourself to clarify what you actually feel and want。 Then try it with your children。 It works extremely well with kids。 Then move on to using it with friends and at work。 When you feel competent in its use， try it with the BP/NP:“1。 When ____________ happens – “ statement of an observable fact”2。 I feel ____________“clearly state your own feelings about the event”。3。 I would like ____________What do you want？4。 Or I will need to ___________“ I will need to ”TAKING ACTIONStop TalkingVery little gets changed with a BP/NP by talking。 BP/NPs are masters of denial and delusion。 They jump instantaneously from topic to topic， they are emotional rather than logical， and they usually forget any discussion that has been emotionally intense。 Making changes in the relationship with a BP/NP requires taking new actions， not making agreements or coming to an understanding。THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY ALONECaretakers continually search for ways to change the BP/NP。 You may have read self-help books， talked to friends， learned new communication skills， and even gone to therapy to figure out how to bring out the good person that you believe is inside the BP/NP。 You may have had high hopes for the BP/NP。 You may have nearly exhausted yourself trying to improve your relationship with the BP/NP， but searching for solutions to the BP/NP’s problem does not work and cannot continue if you are to get healthy。Right now， you have to decide to go on this healing journey for yourself and for yourself alone。 Always trying to help someone else is just a way you keep from facing reality and making changes in your own life。 You came into this life alone， and you will leave it at your own time。 The life you are living is yours—alone。 It is your job to make your life what you want it to be。 It is not your job to make someone else’s life what you want it to be。YOU HAVE CONTROL ONLY OVER YOURSELFHere is another uncomfortable truth: you have no control over anyone or anything else other than yourself。 This may cause you to grumble or doubt。 As a Caretaker， you have probably spent enormous amounts of time and energy trying to control the BP/NP’s thoughts， feelings， and behaviors in order to make things better， but has it ever really worked？ Sometimes it may have seemed to work， but I’ll bet that was really the result of the random nature of the universe and that the changes didn’t last。YOU CAN CHANGE ONLY TWO THINGSThere are exactly two categories of things that you have the full power to change: your behavior and your thoughts。 Most clients I work with really want to change the behaviors， beliefs， or feelings of someone else。 However， these things are impossible to change because you do not have direct control over any of them。“If you can’t control something， you can’t directly change it。 If you are not directly changing something， then you are manipulating or trying to coerce the change。”Get into TherapyCaretakers are usually missing some very important experiences that are necessary to become a healthy person。 If you are a child of a BP/NP as well as a spouse， you may not have a clear idea of what you don’t know。Just being in a long-term relationship with a BP/NP means that you have missed out on a lot of validation， your social skills may have deteriorated， you may be confused from being blamed for everything by the BP/NP， your expectations of others may be too much or too little， you may be battling depression， or you may have anxiety that doesn’t respond to typical treatment。 Over time， Caretakers become easily manipulated and confused about reality， fantasy， and delusion。 You may have become highly self-critical， and your self-care and self-respect may need support。DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY“It is important when dealing with the BP/NP to not take anything that he or she says or does personally。 The BP/NP is very prone to blaming you for everything he or she thinks， feels， and does， and you need to come to terms with the fact that the BP/NP is not a reliable person to identify reality。 About 90 percent of the time， whatever the BP/NP says about you is a much more reliable statement about him or her。 This is called projection。ME FIRSTIt is not selfish to take care of yourself。 Putting yourself first may be very hard for you， and you may not have many ideas about how to take care of yourself。 When you have spent so long focused on the BP/NP， it can be a challenge to move your attention to yourself。 You may not feel deserving of taking care of yourself， or you may not have many self-care skills。 You may not think you have the time to care for yourself， or you may not know what feels good to you。“Changing from being a Caretaker can be like the metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly。 When you break out of your old skin and take the risk of flyi 。。。more
Sheena LaPratt
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