The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives
- Downloads：9291
- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2021-03-29 11:17:17
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：William Stixrud
- ISBN：0735222525
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
"Instead of trusting kids with choices 。 。 。 many parents insist on micromanaging everything from homework to friendships。 For these parents， Stixrud and Johnson have a simple message: Stop。" --NPR
"This humane， thoughtful book turns the latest brain science into valuable practical advice for parents。" --Paul Tough， New York Times bestselling author of How Children Succeed
A few years ago， Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson started noticing the same problem from different angles: Even high-performing kids were coming to them acutely stressed and lacking motivation。 Many complained they had no control over their lives。 Some stumbled in high school or hit college and unraveled。 Bill is a clinical neuropsychologist who helps kids gripped by anxiety or struggling to learn。 Ned is a motivational coach who runs an elite tutoring service。 Together they discovered that the best antidote to stress is to give kids more of a sense of control over their lives。 But this doesn't mean giving up your authority as a parent。 In this groundbreaking book they reveal how you can actively help your child to sculpt a brain that is resilient， and ready to take on new challenges。
The Self-Driven Child offers a combination of cutting-edge brain science， the latest discoveries in behavioral therapy， and case studies drawn from the thousands of kids and teens Bill and Ned have helped over the years to teach you how to set your child on the real road to success。 As parents， we can only drive our kids so far。 At some point， they will have to take the wheel and map out their own path。 But there is a lot you can do before then to help them tackle the road ahead with resilience and imagination。
"This humane， thoughtful book turns the latest brain science into valuable practical advice for parents。" --Paul Tough， New York Times bestselling author of How Children Succeed
A few years ago， Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson started noticing the same problem from different angles: Even high-performing kids were coming to them acutely stressed and lacking motivation。 Many complained they had no control over their lives。 Some stumbled in high school or hit college and unraveled。 Bill is a clinical neuropsychologist who helps kids gripped by anxiety or struggling to learn。 Ned is a motivational coach who runs an elite tutoring service。 Together they discovered that the best antidote to stress is to give kids more of a sense of control over their lives。 But this doesn't mean giving up your authority as a parent。 In this groundbreaking book they reveal how you can actively help your child to sculpt a brain that is resilient， and ready to take on new challenges。
The Self-Driven Child offers a combination of cutting-edge brain science， the latest discoveries in behavioral therapy， and case studies drawn from the thousands of kids and teens Bill and Ned have helped over the years to teach you how to set your child on the real road to success。 As parents， we can only drive our kids so far。 At some point， they will have to take the wheel and map out their own path。 But there is a lot you can do before then to help them tackle the road ahead with resilience and imagination。
Reviews
Julia
，
This is the kind of parenting self help book that has lots of advice on how to stop “over parenting。” It seems really similar to How To Raise An Adult， in that it is mostly focused on elementary school and teen children gaining control in their lives， developing confidence and skills that will lead them to be successful， happy adults。 This book is a bit different because the authors work with kids and families now， versus just see them in college， so there is also lots of discussion on how these This is the kind of parenting self help book that has lots of advice on how to stop “over parenting。” It seems really similar to How To Raise An Adult， in that it is mostly focused on elementary school and teen children gaining control in their lives， developing confidence and skills that will lead them to be successful， happy adults。 This book is a bit different because the authors work with kids and families now， versus just see them in college， so there is also lots of discussion on how these strategies will benefit kids’ mental health， sleep， and success right now。It’s worth it to say that a lot of this book is targeted at a specific type of parent: usually white， middle or upper class， worried about getting into the right college， pushing their “lazy” or “resentful” or “rebellious” or “defiant” or “overstressed” child to get good grades， do a bunch of extra curriculars ， etc。 that they think will be good on the application。 If that’s you， this book is going to be great at coaching you to let go and let your kid live their own life， make their own choices， enjoy their own interests， study and work hard for their own goals， etc。 The first few chapters seemed really basic to me， like “let your kid fail， because it’s their homework and school， not yours。” I was floored when the authors kept telling the assumed parent reader that they knew these “changes” would be hard， even seemingly impossible or ridiculous。 Clearly I’m not the assumed reader。 Then the authors started pushing transcendental meditation， and I just checked out， and finished the book out of a sense of completion more than anything else。 It just wasn’t for me， but the advice in this book didn’t seem bad or unfounded， and could probably help lots of folks achieve （as the authors put it） a nonanxious presence as a “consultant parent” with a kid who has a sense of control。 Best wishes for those folks。 。。。more
Jennifer
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Parenting for the 21st centuryThis book is a great read for wanna be， soon to be， and current parents！ The tools and philosophy described in this book are grounded in research and science。 Help guide your child to develop a growth mindset by following the suggestions in this book。 Help your children find and grow their passions。。。not yours。
Katie Unger
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One of the best parenting books I’ve come across。 I think I feel this way because it’s how I naturally lean in my parenting， but also because I’ve seen so many of the principals in this book work effectively in a homeschool setting。 It was full of interesting research and case studies， but also packed with practical tips and encouragement。 I couldn’t recommend it more！
Kristi
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Over my now 16 years as a parent I have read a few parenting books， and this is definitely one of the better ones。 It is a great resource for parents， especially with children in the middle to high school range。 "A major goal of this book is to help parents help kids increase their stress tolerance， their ability to perform well in a stressful situations， and to throw off stress rather than accumulate it。"I listened to the audiobook and kept having to pause it to take notes， so within the first Over my now 16 years as a parent I have read a few parenting books， and this is definitely one of the better ones。 It is a great resource for parents， especially with children in the middle to high school range。 "A major goal of this book is to help parents help kids increase their stress tolerance， their ability to perform well in a stressful situations， and to throw off stress rather than accumulate it。"I listened to the audiobook and kept having to pause it to take notes， so within the first 60 minutes of the book I had ordered a hard copy。 Looking forward to going back and studying more in-depth for the practical day-to-day applications。 I especially loved the emphasis on making physical fitness and healthy sleep a family value！“Teachers can teach， coaches can coach， guidance counselors can outline graduation requirements， but there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home。 For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives， home should be a safe haven， a place to rest and recover。 When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling， it builds resilience。” 。。。more
Aubrey Bass
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A lot of great points made and a lot of positive thoughts and ideas to implement。 I have a difficult time rating self-help books because they're not a particular genre I would always choose to read。 Did I enjoy it？ Yes！ Did I think it had great points？ Yes！ Would I want to read more of it if there was an additional book？ No。 So in that sense， it would only get 3 stars。 A lot of great points made and a lot of positive thoughts and ideas to implement。 I have a difficult time rating self-help books because they're not a particular genre I would always choose to read。 Did I enjoy it？ Yes！ Did I think it had great points？ Yes！ Would I want to read more of it if there was an additional book？ No。 So in that sense， it would only get 3 stars。 。。。more
Katie McAvoy
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3。8
Audrey
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Everyone should read this book！ It resonated with me from so early on in the book that it captured my attention completely。 It helps that it aligns with my world view very naturally。 I want to own the book and the audio book and plan to reread it with some frequency。 I want these ideas in my head always。
Olga
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Some good takeaways。 Good read but not mindblowing。
Kelsey Chambers
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Soooo good。 Let it go！！！ Comes to mind。 I felt relieved with the information that I need to put may more responsibility on my kids and way less on my own shoulders。 Practical tips and anecdotal experiences to illustrate the stats。 Loved it。
Daniel
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Liked it a lot。 I heard the authors speak at a Zoom event organized by my child's school district and was intrigued enough by what they were saying to read the book。 The basic thesis is that we need to let go of controlling our children's lives， and that them having a sense of control over their own lives leads to better outcomes - less stress， more success， even if that success doesn't always look the way we want。 Ultimately， its their lives， not our own。 I was compelled。 Liked it a lot。 I heard the authors speak at a Zoom event organized by my child's school district and was intrigued enough by what they were saying to read the book。 The basic thesis is that we need to let go of controlling our children's lives， and that them having a sense of control over their own lives leads to better outcomes - less stress， more success， even if that success doesn't always look the way we want。 Ultimately， its their lives， not our own。 I was compelled。 。。。more
Brittany
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Saw them during a virtual speaker series and found so much of what they had to say highly relevant to my parenting and professional experiences。 Immediately snapped up the book - highly highly recommend， especially for parents of tweens and teens。 This will be added to my professional lending library for sure。
Alice' Harper
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I did ally of speed reading on this one- a lot of the content is for school aged kids so i will definitely circle back to this book in the future。 The biggest take away i got from it for my current life is taking on more of a consultant role for homework。
Jean Pace
，
Excellent bookInteresting read。 I was already in board with a lot of concepts in this book （more child autonomy in their own education/lives） so I was an easy disciple。 That said it's definitely harder to DO these principles with your actual children than to BELIEVE they're the right choice。 My biggest criticism of the book was that it was definitely written with rich parents in mind （it's their target audience so I get it）， but many of the suggestions were like， "And if they'll work better with Excellent bookInteresting read。 I was already in board with a lot of concepts in this book （more child autonomy in their own education/lives） so I was an easy disciple。 That said it's definitely harder to DO these principles with your actual children than to BELIEVE they're the right choice。 My biggest criticism of the book was that it was definitely written with rich parents in mind （it's their target audience so I get it）， but many of the suggestions were like， "And if they'll work better with a tutor， just hire one"--that sort of thing。Even so it's a worthwhile read for any parent or educator。 。。。more
Marye
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This needs to be on my list of books to read every year！ So applicable to my children and definitely some advise that I will need to implement over and over again as my kids become teenagers and young adults！ One of my favorite education/ parenting books I’ve read！
Jileen
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Whoa！ If you are looking for a way to improve your relationship with your kids， or hoping to motivate them， or just needing some tips in parenting， this is your book。 I can pat myself on the back for listening to and letting my second child transfer to a much bigger high school， even though I was REALLY hesitant。 Encouraging my oldest son to stay in band his junior year （in the name of “colleges need to see consistency”） even though he hated it， was not my finest parenting moment （Although he di Whoa！ If you are looking for a way to improve your relationship with your kids， or hoping to motivate them， or just needing some tips in parenting， this is your book。 I can pat myself on the back for listening to and letting my second child transfer to a much bigger high school， even though I was REALLY hesitant。 Encouraging my oldest son to stay in band his junior year （in the name of “colleges need to see consistency”） even though he hated it， was not my finest parenting moment （Although he did exit band his senior year and was in Sports Medicine and XC and ultimately did just fine despite my weird college fears that were completely unfounded）。 I bet my youngest son has no idea how lucky he is to not be as much a guinea pig as we figure out this parenting thing on his brothers！ 😂The ability for kids to have a sense of control is one of the most powerful ways to have motivated kids。 I am working on this change and hoping to do better。 This book is well researched， inspiring， and helpful， and I will refer back to it often。 。。。more
Brooke Wallace
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I liked it！ Lots to think about and process especially as a parent。
Simão Freitas
，
Very insightful and challenging。 I probably don’t yet have the full perspective necessary to appreciate its teachings but I look forward to scanning through it again in a few years。
Travis Chambers
，
"We really can’t control our kids—and doing so shouldn’t be our goal。 Our role is to teach them to think and act independently， so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and， most important， in life。"Fascinating book。 I will work hard to reframe my thinking -- I am a consultant to my children， not a boss。I know that personally I'm happiest and most successful when I feel I have autonomy over my decisions， goals， and how I spend my time。 For some reason though， it isn't natural to "We really can’t control our kids—and doing so shouldn’t be our goal。 Our role is to teach them to think and act independently， so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and， most important， in life。"Fascinating book。 I will work hard to reframe my thinking -- I am a consultant to my children， not a boss。I know that personally I'm happiest and most successful when I feel I have autonomy over my decisions， goals， and how I spend my time。 For some reason though， it isn't natural to give that same autonomy to my kids。Ideas contained in the book - 5 stars。I really enjoyed the review at the end of each chapter。 "What to do tonight" - provided good actionable insights。 Rereading those sections will be a fast way to review and get new ideas。I only wish the book was a bit more rigorous。 I felt that many of the anecdotal stories were interesting and certainly helpful to explain concepts， but they didn't quite scratch my skeptical itch every time。 。。。more
Marya
，
The authors begin the book by comparing two children: Adam and Zara。 Adam lives in a "cramped apartment in the projects on the South Side of Chicago"， goes to his "underfunded public school" and "his brother was killed in a drive-by shooting while the two boys were hanging out on a street corner together。" Zara "lives in a multimillion-dollar house and attends a posh private school in the Washington， D。C。 area"， and "fits in test prep between field hockey practice， volunteering for Habitat for H The authors begin the book by comparing two children: Adam and Zara。 Adam lives in a "cramped apartment in the projects on the South Side of Chicago"， goes to his "underfunded public school" and "his brother was killed in a drive-by shooting while the two boys were hanging out on a street corner together。" Zara "lives in a multimillion-dollar house and attends a posh private school in the Washington， D。C。 area"， and "fits in test prep between field hockey practice， volunteering for Habitat for Humanity， and three to four hours of homework per night。" The authors are sure that "we all know to worry about Adam。。。What we don't know is that we should worry about Zara， too"。Stress is devastating to the growing brain， and the authors are trying to get their audience to understand that point。 Their solution is to give kids more autonomy as a way of reducing that stress。 So far， so good。 But in their quest to address the Zaras of the world （or more importantly， their parents）， they've missed how privilege works。 Zaras can be allowed to fail BECAUSE they have the resources to try again。 It's the Adams of the world who lack that safety net。 Sure， they may get all the worry。 But without tangible supports to bounce back from a fail， they don't get a second chance。 Neither author seems to understand that fact。 。。。more
Jenny
，
There were definitely helpful nuggets; however， my little kids were not necessarily the target audience。 I'd say this was more along middle/high school。 I did appreciate the section on ADD/ADHD （and personally， I wish there was a chapter on trauma & how that might impact the brain）。 There were definitely helpful nuggets; however， my little kids were not necessarily the target audience。 I'd say this was more along middle/high school。 I did appreciate the section on ADD/ADHD （and personally， I wish there was a chapter on trauma & how that might impact the brain）。 。。。more
Heather
，
It appreciated the research based information， the anecdotes to illustrate each point and thoughtful exercises at the end of each chapter。 This book helped me feel more confident in my children's future and of my ability to help them as a homeschooling parent。 It appreciated the research based information， the anecdotes to illustrate each point and thoughtful exercises at the end of each chapter。 This book helped me feel more confident in my children's future and of my ability to help them as a homeschooling parent。 。。。more
Harmony
，
This book had some great food for thought about how to be an ally in your children's education and growth processes by addressing our own anxieties， giving our child options to achieve goals， and overcoming obstacles in way that builds their sense of autonomy。 Interesting audiobook。 This book had some great food for thought about how to be an ally in your children's education and growth processes by addressing our own anxieties， giving our child options to achieve goals， and overcoming obstacles in way that builds their sense of autonomy。 Interesting audiobook。 。。。more
Annie
，
I LOVED this book！ Really good parenting advice and perspectives。
Katie
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Probably most useful for parents with kids 10-18。 Makes some very convincing arguments that reassure me I'm doing a lot right， but also there are some things I probably want to change。 I read the library copy， but am planning on buying my own for the references in the footnotes， and to have a loaner。 Probably most useful for parents with kids 10-18。 Makes some very convincing arguments that reassure me I'm doing a lot right， but also there are some things I probably want to change。 I read the library copy， but am planning on buying my own for the references in the footnotes， and to have a loaner。 。。。more
Tara
，
This book had great insights。 I’ll use a lot of the suggestions to help my daughter feel like she has more control of her schedule while also helping her thrive。 I skimmed the last few chapters as they don’t pertain to our lives right now， but I could see myself referring back to this book in the future。
Shanna Bo
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Great advice and parenting/ teaching views that mesh well with my own for school age children。 Note to self， read again when I have teenagers
Mary
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Loved the "what to do tonight" section at the end of each chapter！ Loved the "what to do tonight" section at the end of each chapter！ 。。。more
Raimonda
，
Good insights， but repetitive at times and a lot of focus on motivation for homework。 Could have benefited from more in-depth look at other situations。
Amy Jo
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I would consider this book a must read for parents！
Summer
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