This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2022-03-25 00:51:34
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Matthew Fray
- ISBN：1788168097
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Summary
'The man who coaches husbands on how to avoid divorce' The New York Times
Good people can be bad partners
One night during his divorce， after one too many vodkas and a phone-in-therapist's advice to 'journal his feelings，' Matthew Fray started a blog。 On it， he tried to piece together how his ex-wife went from the college freshman who adored him to the angry woman who thought he was an asshole。 It turns out that even though he was a decent guy， he was kind of a bad husband。
From the raw， uncomfortable and darkly humorous stories he shared about the lessons he's learned from his failed marriage comes this strangely hopeful guide to saving relationships。 This is How Your Marriage Ends offers immediately actionable advice to help readers identify toxic behaviour patterns in their own lives， and break them out of the cycles of dysfunction that ruin relationships。
This is a must-read for people in any stage of a relationship， whether it's near the beginning or nearing the end。 Good people can be bad partners - here's how to ensure that isn't you。
Good people can be bad partners
One night during his divorce， after one too many vodkas and a phone-in-therapist's advice to 'journal his feelings，' Matthew Fray started a blog。 On it， he tried to piece together how his ex-wife went from the college freshman who adored him to the angry woman who thought he was an asshole。 It turns out that even though he was a decent guy， he was kind of a bad husband。
From the raw， uncomfortable and darkly humorous stories he shared about the lessons he's learned from his failed marriage comes this strangely hopeful guide to saving relationships。 This is How Your Marriage Ends offers immediately actionable advice to help readers identify toxic behaviour patterns in their own lives， and break them out of the cycles of dysfunction that ruin relationships。
This is a must-read for people in any stage of a relationship， whether it's near the beginning or nearing the end。 Good people can be bad partners - here's how to ensure that isn't you。
Reviews
Jean
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I was given a free copy in exchange for an honest review。 Matthew Fray went viral a few years ago with a blog post about how little things had -- um -- frayed his marriage until it broke。 There were some big things too， but what it had come down to， he finally figured out， was that he had consistently not respected his wife's feelings。 He had， without ever really meaning to， thoughtlessly ignored what she tried to communicate。So this is a relationship book that is very definitely written to men I was given a free copy in exchange for an honest review。 Matthew Fray went viral a few years ago with a blog post about how little things had -- um -- frayed his marriage until it broke。 There were some big things too， but what it had come down to， he finally figured out， was that he had consistently not respected his wife's feelings。 He had， without ever really meaning to， thoughtlessly ignored what she tried to communicate。So this is a relationship book that is very definitely written to men。 Fray writes with kind of a dude-bro voice， a very 'I'm just like you' attitude。 This is not to say that there's nothing here for women to benefit from （I think I did）， but really this is a guy writing to other guys， trying to give a different perspective。 Fray feels that most 'ordinary' breakups （sans abuse， etc。） come from a lack of relationship skills。 These skills are practically never taught， and as a result we all crash around breaking things without meaning to。 It's not that people are bad， or actively trying to make life difficult for their partners -- it's mostly cluelessness。 For this reason， it's very important to a） seek out and learn these skills and b） pay attention and resist defensiveness when our partners tell us that they're hurting。 Marriage is a team effort， and when your partner tries to tell you something is wrong， it's an attempt to improve the team， not an attack。Fray's tone is casual and personal; he talks a lot about his own experiences and usually sounds like he's hanging out with the guys。 He does tend to be a little repetitive， but I think that's a function of him trying to get the message through。 It's a message that a lot of people are very resistant to hearing， and I think he gets a lot of pushback from the very ones he's trying hardest to reach -- the ones who are just like him。The book covers a lot of ground， but I think the primary theme is that Fray eventually figured out where his actions had contributed to the result he'd never wanted -- his divorce。 He spent a long time blaming everybody but himself， but he eventually realized that if he could see where he'd gone wrong， maybe he could ensure it wouldn't happen again。 And he realized that he had spent a lot of his time ignoring and dismissing his wife's feelings and thoughts， and attacking her in defense when she told him she was in pain。 He'd always reflexively put himself first， and he hadn't even known he was doing it， because he was so busy ignoring all the information that could have told him that。Although it's a guy talking to guys， I do think I got quite a bit out of this book anyway。 I can be reflexively dismissive too， so I need to pay attention to when I'm doing it， and quit it。 The principles are general， through the voice is more specific。 It's a very interesting read， and I think a worthwhile one for lots of people。 Also me。 。。。more
Kristen
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I sat down about a year ago and read this author’s divorce blog entries from beginning to end。 When I heard he was working on finishing a book I had to get a hold of it。 I will read this again and again to remind myself that it isn’t just me， there are other women feeling the same way I do， and at least one man on the planet has recognized what often goes wrong in marriages。 It’s funny， serious， happy， sad， and very accurate and true。 Read it then pass it to your husband！
Lindy Dierks
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This one was pretty good。 Definitely helpful advice。 It was fairly repetitive but I think it’s helpful when self help books reinforce the important points。 I’ve never read this author’s blog but I will definitely look it up。 I think this author had good advice that makes you think about your own relationship。 Huge thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for allowing me to read and review this book！
MookNana
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I'm familiar with this author from his viral articles and this book is a full-length expansion of the concepts he discussed--namely how things that seem minor， done by "good people" can slowly， but irrevocably， kill a marriage。 The author doesn't pull any punches， either for himself or his readers （the anecdote about the worst thing he's ever done will make your hair curl） but his honesty does give him credibility。 The core concepts of his basic thesis about relationship breakdown， namely that i I'm familiar with this author from his viral articles and this book is a full-length expansion of the concepts he discussed--namely how things that seem minor， done by "good people" can slowly， but irrevocably， kill a marriage。 The author doesn't pull any punches， either for himself or his readers （the anecdote about the worst thing he's ever done will make your hair curl） but his honesty does give him credibility。 The core concepts of his basic thesis about relationship breakdown， namely that invalidation and misplaced priorities will poison a marriage over time， are clearly explained and illustrated。 It may go on a bit， but sometimes people need repetition or alternate examples for concepts to sink in， so that's forgivable。 I would have liked a clearer sum-up， and maybe a comprehensive action plan in one place， but there is much to be gleaned from reading this。 Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review！ 。。。more
Shauna Leigh
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I have been a fan of Matthew Fray's writing for several years now after I found his blog https://mustbethistalltoride。com。 His blog has several articles titled " An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands" and I was intrigued because rarely do you read relationship articles written by a male with a sympathetic yet humorous voice。 I will open my review with an analogy。 I enjoy ice fishing。 If I went ice fishing one day and saw another person running towards me， waving frantically， telling me that the ice I have been a fan of Matthew Fray's writing for several years now after I found his blog https://mustbethistalltoride。com。 His blog has several articles titled " An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands" and I was intrigued because rarely do you read relationship articles written by a male with a sympathetic yet humorous voice。 I will open my review with an analogy。 I enjoy ice fishing。 If I went ice fishing one day and saw another person running towards me， waving frantically， telling me that the ice was dangerous and that I shouldn't go out I would likely heed his warning because it is in my best interest to do so。 Matthew Fray is frantically waving and telling you in his new book that YOU are on thin ice （heed his warning shitty spouses）。 Matthew fell through the ice and he got divorced; it was an awful experience and he survived but he is warning others not to make the same unintentional mistakes that he did。 At the risk of being vulnerable ， I can tell you that much of this book was uncomfortable to read because it is so damn relatable; cross out a few names， insert your own and away you go。 All of us are guilty of the daily paper cuts， the micro aggressions that slowly whittle away the trust that nurtures connection in our marriages。 Invalidation， fighting to be "right"， misaligned priorities， inconsideration; these are the everyday habits that too many of us have that are slowly suffocating our closest relationships。 How many of you have confided in your spouse only to be told you are too sensitive or are overreacting？ How many of us have heard "well I spoke with my friend about you and she says you are acting like a jerk"How many of us have asked our spouses to do something small and been told "I will get to it later" but yet the same spouse will bend over backwards for a friend or neighbour。 How many of us have been told by their spouse that they aren't good at planning things but then we see them planning time to enjoy their own hobbies or events with their friends。 While Matthew writes this book from the point of view that many of these common habits are perpetrated by husbands， both sexes can benefit from reading his book。 My only complaint is that like many couples who seek marriage counselling， the information will often be found and read "too little， too late"。 The ice is thin， cracked and what lies beneath is freezing cold。I received a complimentary copy of this book from Harper Collins through NetGalley。 Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own。 。。。more
Kelsi Pilcher
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If you are married， thinking of marriage， or divorced and are able to create space for reflection and accountability， this book is for you！ Matthew Fray uses his own divorce as a catalyst for illustrating how a marriage can end and what the readers should be aware of and consider in order to avoid patterns that often lead to divorce。 In addition to his own experience， Matthew Fray incorporates stories from his clients， offering the reader relatability and a deeper context。 I enjoyed the levity o If you are married， thinking of marriage， or divorced and are able to create space for reflection and accountability， this book is for you！ Matthew Fray uses his own divorce as a catalyst for illustrating how a marriage can end and what the readers should be aware of and consider in order to avoid patterns that often lead to divorce。 In addition to his own experience， Matthew Fray incorporates stories from his clients， offering the reader relatability and a deeper context。 I enjoyed the levity of Matthew’s humor and the scientific research that validates his perspective。 Not only will you learn how to have a successful marriage but also learn more of who you are， the characteristics that you have， and the thoughts that you perpetuate。 。。。more
Rachael | Booklist Queen
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