Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2022-01-17 08:51:18
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Jessica Fern
- ISBN：1944934987
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy。 Using her nested model of attachment and trauma， she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships。 Then， she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships。 Polysecure is both a theoretical treatise and a practical guide。
Reviews
Mark
，
Pros:+ The author clearly cares a lot about the topic， and helping the poly community+ The book is laid out nicely+ The audiobook is quite well read - the author really nails it！Cons:- The biggest issue for me was that I learned little to nothing from it， beyond what I already knew about attachment theory， having reading other basic attachment-related things。 This book seems mainly useful to those who don't have that basic knowledge， and/or poly folk who could use the examples as rough guidance Pros:+ The author clearly cares a lot about the topic， and helping the poly community+ The book is laid out nicely+ The audiobook is quite well read - the author really nails it！Cons:- The biggest issue for me was that I learned little to nothing from it， beyond what I already knew about attachment theory， having reading other basic attachment-related things。 This book seems mainly useful to those who don't have that basic knowledge， and/or poly folk who could use the examples as rough guidance on their relationship issues- There's a decent chunk of the book which plays up the poly discrimination thing， I think at one point comparing it to the civil rights struggle， which， although I'm sympathetic to the view that poly discrimination is a real thing， comparing it to the stuff MLK etc went through is a bit much！Overall: ★☆☆☆☆ Eh！ Not my thing。 The rating isn't a reflection on the """objective""" quality of the book， or the author's skill; it's a reflection of what I got out of the experience- i。e。， reading it took like five or six hours， but I can't say I took anything away from it 。。。more
nelkku
，
idk， this is good but i didn't actually learn much new information。 idk， this is good but i didn't actually learn much new information。 。。。more
Brandon
，
Exhilarating。 The best book I've read on attachment。 The poly angle forces a generalization of some models of attachment that I've always found rigid。 You don't really think anxious/avoidant is statically a part of your identity， do you？ This book lucidly explains these as dynamics in a particular relationship -- sure， informed by our early attachment experiences， but ultimately alive and unfolding in the present moment。 Exhilarating。 The best book I've read on attachment。 The poly angle forces a generalization of some models of attachment that I've always found rigid。 You don't really think anxious/avoidant is statically a part of your identity， do you？ This book lucidly explains these as dynamics in a particular relationship -- sure， informed by our early attachment experiences， but ultimately alive and unfolding in the present moment。 。。。more
Kelsey
，
If I could only recommend one book to help with successful polyamorous relationships - it would be this book。 Tackling what no one else has done yet， Jessica Fern applies John Bowlby's attachment theory to CNM relationships， and more specifically polyamory。 She breaks it into three parts: part 1 gives a detailed explanation of each attachment theory so that no outside research is needed to understand the concepts presented later on。 Part 2 goes into depth exploring CNM and how attachment style r If I could only recommend one book to help with successful polyamorous relationships - it would be this book。 Tackling what no one else has done yet， Jessica Fern applies John Bowlby's attachment theory to CNM relationships， and more specifically polyamory。 She breaks it into three parts: part 1 gives a detailed explanation of each attachment theory so that no outside research is needed to understand the concepts presented later on。 Part 2 goes into depth exploring CNM and how attachment style relationships can happen outside of monogamy。 Part 3 is a detailed breakdown of how to become PolySecure （or have secure attachment based relationships within polyamorous relationships）。 As I made my way through this book， I experienced copious amounts of self growth and understanding。 Suddenly my insecurities within relationships started making sense。 However - this book didn't just help me to understand why I am the way I am， if gave concrete tools of how to move from an insecure attachment style to an earned secure style。 If you're polyamorous， this is a must read。 。。。more
Jess
，
تو مبحث پلی اموری ی جمله معروف هست که میگه : عشق نامنتاهیه، اما زمان و منابع نه。 این به این اشاره داره که افراد در نهایت همون بیست و چهار ساعت رو وقت دارند و برای اینکه بتونند منابع زمانی، احساسی،فیزیکی شون رو بین افرادای که دوستشون دارند مدیریت کنند نیاز به مهارت دارند。 تا نیمه کتاب چهار مدل معروف وابستگی مرور میشه ، روابط از لحاظ انحصاری بودن احساس و سکس دسته بندی میشن و تعریفی از انواع روابط بهمون میده。 اگه تو این زمینه اطلاعاتی از قبل داشته باشید، ممکنه ریتم کتاب براتون تکراری به نظر بیاد ام تو مبحث پلی اموری ی جمله معروف هست که میگه : عشق نامنتاهیه، اما زمان و منابع نه。 این به این اشاره داره که افراد در نهایت همون بیست و چهار ساعت رو وقت دارند و برای اینکه بتونند منابع زمانی، احساسی،فیزیکی شون رو بین افرادای که دوستشون دارند مدیریت کنند نیاز به مهارت دارند。 تا نیمه کتاب چهار مدل معروف وابستگی مرور میشه ، روابط از لحاظ انحصاری بودن احساس و سکس دسته بندی میشن و تعریفی از انواع روابط بهمون میده。 اگه تو این زمینه اطلاعاتی از قبل داشته باشید، ممکنه ریتم کتاب براتون تکراری به نظر بیاد اما اگه صبوری کنید یا که این بخش ها رو بگذرید به قسمتی از کتاب می رسید که سوال های خوبی براتون داره。 از اونجایی تو این گونه روابط تمام افراد از وجود هم خبر دارند و تمام موارد باهم توافق میشه، اینکه افراد بدونن چه نیاز هایی دارند و چه چیز هایی میخوان میتونه خیلی کمک کننده باشه。 البته تمام این سوالات و راهکارها برای attachment-based relationship مطرح میشه اما باز برای ایده دادن خیلی کمک کننده خواهد بود。 جسیکا معتقده برای داشتن تجربه بهتر از این روابط ما باید Hearts رو تو روابط در نظر بگیریم که این مخففی از موضاعات زیر هست:•tH: Here （being here and present with me） •tE: Expressed Delight•tA: Attunement•tR: Rituals and Routines•tT: Turning Towards after Conflict •tS: Secure Attachment with Selfدر کل خوندنش رو برای افرادی که به این موضوع علاقه دارند، یا شوق دونستن چیزهای جدید دارند یا که میخوان پیش فرض های ذهنی قبلی شون رو بازنگری کنند پیشنهاد میکنم。 。。。more
Faith Simon
，
A MUST read for anybody practicing or considering practicing ethical-non-monogamy， maybe even for anybody to be honest。 This is a wonderful book that really forces you to take a look at your safety blankets and insecure attachment styles。 I really loved this book pointing out monogamy is less of a default and more of a safety blanket for most people that can not place their own sense of safety outside of a concept of exclusivity。 I recommend printing the pdf figures that this book comes with to A MUST read for anybody practicing or considering practicing ethical-non-monogamy， maybe even for anybody to be honest。 This is a wonderful book that really forces you to take a look at your safety blankets and insecure attachment styles。 I really loved this book pointing out monogamy is less of a default and more of a safety blanket for most people that can not place their own sense of safety outside of a concept of exclusivity。 I recommend printing the pdf figures that this book comes with to follow along with， as well as copying the chapter-end reflection questions， as I found the reflections to be supremely telling and helpful。 Very enlightening， I read somewhere that there is hopefully a workbook coming out soon， and I will be purchasing it if this is the case， as I read this via audiobook， and I wouldn't mind a refresher a year or so from now！ 。。。more
Dana
，
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 3。5。 not a ton of new information or to share with clients in poly relationships
Giordano Margaglio
，
A mind-opening book and an extremely valuable resource to be better individuals in relationships。The author first describes the different types of attachment styles， not as enclosed boxes but rather as a nuanced spectrum everybody can reflect into。 Then she explores how these styles affect and interweave with relationships - monogamous and non-monogamous - resulting in an enriching manual on how to be better at loving ourselves and loving others。 I believe this goes much beyond romantic relation A mind-opening book and an extremely valuable resource to be better individuals in relationships。The author first describes the different types of attachment styles， not as enclosed boxes but rather as a nuanced spectrum everybody can reflect into。 Then she explores how these styles affect and interweave with relationships - monogamous and non-monogamous - resulting in an enriching manual on how to be better at loving ourselves and loving others。 I believe this goes much beyond romantic relationships to embrace family， friends and colleagues too。The end of each chapter is further equipped with guiding questions， tools and pragmatic resources to continue one's path of self-discovery even after the end of the reading。I found so much value I'll probably dwell a bit longer on each chapter， and I'll definitely go through a re-read over my next relationship。 110% recommended if you're monogamous， non-monogamous or literally whatever。 。。。more
Rachel
，
I can't recommend this enough for anyone， polyamorous， polycurious， or not interested。 It's about healthy， loving relationships and how to have grace with ourselves and each other。 Mostly about acknowledging needs。 I can't recommend this enough for anyone， polyamorous， polycurious， or not interested。 It's about healthy， loving relationships and how to have grace with ourselves and each other。 Mostly about acknowledging needs。 。。。more
Margaret A
，
super helpful life guide whether you are poly or not
Kat
，
Awesome practical book， what ever kind of relationships you’re in， aspire or adhere to。
Gregory
，
You don't need to be practicing consensual non-monogamy （CNM） to read this book。 I mean， the advice and technics for deepening connections and creating trust in relationships surely work for monogamous relationships as well and for non-sexual relationships too。 But for people that do not follow the normative relationship setup， this book is gold - as its advice does not need to be mentally translated for CNM people first。 What I also liked about this book is the really good explanations of the a You don't need to be practicing consensual non-monogamy （CNM） to read this book。 I mean， the advice and technics for deepening connections and creating trust in relationships surely work for monogamous relationships as well and for non-sexual relationships too。 But for people that do not follow the normative relationship setup， this book is gold - as its advice does not need to be mentally translated for CNM people first。 What I also liked about this book is the really good explanations of the attachment theory， taking into account the current research。 Jessica Fern is a practicing counselor and her explanations about the attachment styles are far more down-to-earth and practical than the clinical-based explanations I could find in other books so far。 Especially useful was the introduction of a two-dimensional graph for mapping own relationships on the attachment-anxiety and attachment-avoidance scales。 。。。more
Lyrica Jensen Maldonado
，
3。5
Matthew Bischoff
，
Wow。 What an amazing book。 Jessica Fern grapples with many of the questions that come up again and again when you do poly， and more specifically nonhierarchical poly for a long time。 People have attachment issues， people get triggered， and things can easily end up hurting everyone and blowing up。Ferns strategies for avoiding， dealing with， and healing these issues are smart， well researched， and well explicated。 So much so that I’d recommend this book to anyone polyamorous and even many monogamo Wow。 What an amazing book。 Jessica Fern grapples with many of the questions that come up again and again when you do poly， and more specifically nonhierarchical poly for a long time。 People have attachment issues， people get triggered， and things can easily end up hurting everyone and blowing up。Ferns strategies for avoiding， dealing with， and healing these issues are smart， well researched， and well explicated。 So much so that I’d recommend this book to anyone polyamorous and even many monogamous folks who want to improve their relationships as well。 。。。more
Molly
，
Incredible asset for learning about both polyamory and attachment theory！ It's a resource the polyamorous community has needed。 Incredible asset for learning about both polyamory and attachment theory！ It's a resource the polyamorous community has needed。 。。。more
Keshia
，
bombe
Matthew Miller
，
Treasure find！ Tender， beautifully and expertly healing book that is a safe welcoming place for so many people， I feel grateful for being welcome here too and cannot thank the author enough。 I have used this book to reflect on building relationships across the board in my life and my need for friendships， I am more aware than ever of need for healing from trauma， and attachment in friendships， as well as the hope of dating again despite the feelings even years later that one does not necessarily Treasure find！ Tender， beautifully and expertly healing book that is a safe welcoming place for so many people， I feel grateful for being welcome here too and cannot thank the author enough。 I have used this book to reflect on building relationships across the board in my life and my need for friendships， I am more aware than ever of need for healing from trauma， and attachment in friendships， as well as the hope of dating again despite the feelings even years later that one does not necessarily recover quickly from even a very insecurely attached relationship。 Personal need and greater awareness of my own attachment issues drew me here！ Several years into recovering privately from a recent divorce， loss of religious community， as well as standing down generational unhealedness in my family tree， its a hard road and I am so thankful for this resource。 In my healing journey， I feel Jessica Fern has created a safe， inclusive and affirming book full of human need to live， love and be loved。 Had life experiences not pushed me outside the structures， comforts and organizations of community and marriage that I comitted to for safety and security， I might never have found myself welcoming this book because of my religious fear of the topic and my insecure attachment o my organization and ex。 On the other side of those， I find this book a great help for navigating my own attachment needs， as well as moving on from what I thought would be a lifetime attachment （yes even after years I still have much unhealed work to do to live and love again but I am healed enought to reach out for this book and thankful for it！）， in a very isolating world where languishing is always a very real possibility and ones human frailty is exposed。More helpful application than most trauma， attachment and relationship studies！ Fern's book is a powerful and compassionate toolkit created in the context of the counseling of and lived experience in polyamory， which the author notes is a pressure cooker for bringing attachment issues to surface。 Relationship books that sell marriage hit their market with a typical glossing over， emphasize building structures rather than tending only include healing and trauma as an unintegrated sidebar， and attachment as peripheral， as though they would only be needed in special cases for special people who are the exceptions。 Instead， here we have great insights， healing， and challenges in the nuances of emotional and sexual intimacy that are a blessing to share here and will help heal the mature in many in ways that other books， while headlining the latest theories， lacked the wisdom and insight and application gained here。 Also， this is not a hugely long read， being less than 300 pages usually indicates for me lack of depth of study and resources， but not so in this tremendously wise， compassionate， and inviting reading that synthesizes research and practice into a great help。 It also added tremendously to my understanding and compassion for other types of attachment styles that are also insecure but manifest very differently。 I've read many books on them but here they are so tenderly addressed that I could see important relationships in my life with much more compassion both for myself in how those styles had made me uncomfortable or at times hurt， and for others in what it may be like or them。 。。。more
Alexis
，
A fantastic level up if polyam and ENM reading material。 If you're tired of reading justifications of non monogamy and want to dig deeper in understanding your relationships and yourself， start here。 A fantastic level up if polyam and ENM reading material。 If you're tired of reading justifications of non monogamy and want to dig deeper in understanding your relationships and yourself， start here。 。。。more
Kaia Ball
，
I went into the first half of this book expecting to give this book a five star review。 Sadly my hopes failed to dovetail with the content of the book。 A major issue I would have recommending this to poly friends and members of my polycule is the inclusion of citations of known pseudoscience content， IE the Five Love Languages， the Myers Briggs personality test， and enneagrams。 While I am not a psychologist， this lead to me doubt the veracity of the rest of the citations as well。 Another issue w I went into the first half of this book expecting to give this book a five star review。 Sadly my hopes failed to dovetail with the content of the book。 A major issue I would have recommending this to poly friends and members of my polycule is the inclusion of citations of known pseudoscience content， IE the Five Love Languages， the Myers Briggs personality test， and enneagrams。 While I am not a psychologist， this lead to me doubt the veracity of the rest of the citations as well。 Another issue was the language and pacing; is this book intended for the polyamorous client or their care provider？ Or the poly lay person？ The wording was often clinical and unapproachable， and yet seemingly too casual and brief to be truly of use to a practitioner （again， that is not my profession， just speculation）。 This was my first introduction to attachment styles， which I found useful in analyzing my behavior and that of former and current partners。 There seemed to be a lot of useful， insightful content in the book that will likely help inform my comprehension of healthy polyamory/ethical nonmonogamy going forward。 I also would not recommend this book to people of color or non-Americans， as it felt distinctly American-centered and unnaturally aracial。 I feel that the ideas of this book are a helpful addition to a genre that is quite thin on the ground， but ultimately needed a co-author/editor with greater insights to the needs of the poly community。 。。。more
Summer
，
Incredibly eye opening in the the understanding of attachment styles。 Then how that translates in open relationships。 While it was an incredibly DRY and technical book， it's information is critical in understanding how you develop all your relationships with everyone。 Incredibly eye opening in the the understanding of attachment styles。 Then how that translates in open relationships。 While it was an incredibly DRY and technical book， it's information is critical in understanding how you develop all your relationships with everyone。 。。。more
Quin Rich
，
Pretty good。 I remain skeptical of the attachment framework， which I think is used to explain entirely too much generally。 However， this book makes a somewhat compelling case that attachment matters for healthy relationships。 I was especially appreciative of the nested model of attachment （which places attachment in a larger cultural context）， the specific advice on how to build more secure relationships with partners， and the emphasis on building a secure attachment with oneself as crucial to b Pretty good。 I remain skeptical of the attachment framework， which I think is used to explain entirely too much generally。 However， this book makes a somewhat compelling case that attachment matters for healthy relationships。 I was especially appreciative of the nested model of attachment （which places attachment in a larger cultural context）， the specific advice on how to build more secure relationships with partners， and the emphasis on building a secure attachment with oneself as crucial to being able to show up meaningfully in relationships。 I’m still looking for a book that addresses building secure non-romantic relationships。 This book decenters monogamy but still keeps everything within a romantic framework。 What about relationships with friends， parents， siblings， and colleagues？ 。。。more
Tessa
，
I strongly recommend a few chapters （2， 7， 8） of this book to anyone interested in nonmonogamy。 If you have a committed relationship and are thinking of opening it up， I'd also recommend chapters 5 and 6。 I only give this 3 stars as I wish I had read only the few relevant chapters。The first 100 pages introduce attachment theory without much reference to non-monogamy。 I read them but I honestly find many aspects of the theory incoherent？ There seems to be an assumption that attachment style is a I strongly recommend a few chapters （2， 7， 8） of this book to anyone interested in nonmonogamy。 If you have a committed relationship and are thinking of opening it up， I'd also recommend chapters 5 and 6。 I only give this 3 stars as I wish I had read only the few relevant chapters。The first 100 pages introduce attachment theory without much reference to non-monogamy。 I read them but I honestly find many aspects of the theory incoherent？ There seems to be an assumption that attachment style is a property of _individuals_ more than it is a property of _relationships_， even though much of the evidence that is marshalled to support this seems contradictory。 As one example， there is the belief that a person forms their attachment style based on early childhood interactions with their primary caregivers。。。 but then there is a one-sentence aside noting that a child might have different attachment styles with different parents。I didn't really understand how the "nested model of trauma" relate to attachment ， unless you expand attachment theory to mean "overall sense of safety in the world" which seems。。。 way more general and less useful？ Similarly， I thought the exercises in chapter 7 for cultivating secure attachment were really interesting and practical， but they didn't really seem to derive from the theory earlier in the book。 I feel like this book should have been half as long， basically。That said: I do plan to go through those exercises with my partners！ They seem really useful！ 。。。more
Aurora Pio
，
Phenomenal， insightful read for anyone to learn about attachment， trauma， and how we relate to our partners， whether or not practicing polyamory。
Ivy Fleur
，
If I could give this book ten stars， I would。
Lorena
，
Polysecure examines attachment styles through a ENM/ polyamorous lens。 I found it to be more dynamic and better at asking the reader questions to examine themselves， their partner（s）， and their attachment style to themselves。 Definitely found this to be the more engaging and thought provoking read as compared to Attached。 The last part of the book on the attachment style to self was definitely a game changer for me and really helped me better examine my needs and desires in an intentional way。 S Polysecure examines attachment styles through a ENM/ polyamorous lens。 I found it to be more dynamic and better at asking the reader questions to examine themselves， their partner（s）， and their attachment style to themselves。 Definitely found this to be the more engaging and thought provoking read as compared to Attached。 The last part of the book on the attachment style to self was definitely a game changer for me and really helped me better examine my needs and desires in an intentional way。 Super helpful 。。。more
Chuck Knudsen
，
It's a book explaining polyamory， sure， but it's primarily about forming secure attachments in relationships and working through trauma。 I found it immensely helpful in figuring things out。 It's a book explaining polyamory， sure， but it's primarily about forming secure attachments in relationships and working through trauma。 I found it immensely helpful in figuring things out。 。。。more
Jess
，
Great intro to attachment theory and polyamory。
Karina Papp
，
Might be useful for anyone practicing any form of romantic relationship and dealing with fears and doubts within it。 Highly important read for those who consider a non-monogamous relationship。 The prevailing emotion throughout the reading was gratitude， and a relief that I am not the first， not the only one to struggle。
Alissa
，
This book has one of the most nuanced， thoughtful descriptions of attachment theory I’ve ever read， and fills an important gap in the literature on polyamory and attachment。 5 stars， definitely well written enough to suggest to clients。
Nick May
，