Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
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- Create Date：2021-03-22 17:17:11
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Chris Voss
- ISBN：1847941494
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Summary
A former FBI hostage negotiator offers a new， field-tested approach to negotiating – effective in any situation。
After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City， Missouri， Chris Voss joined the FBI， where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank robbers， gang leaders and terrorists。 Never Split the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations， revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most – when people’s lives were at stake。
Rooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top of his game， Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any discussion。
After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City， Missouri， Chris Voss joined the FBI， where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank robbers， gang leaders and terrorists。 Never Split the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations， revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most – when people’s lives were at stake。
Rooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top of his game， Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any discussion。
Reviews
Christine Heckel
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Food for thought but felt this book was from a primarily male perspective。
Roger Sindre-U
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Some good tips on negotiation。 Not sure how much of these hostage negotiation experience translates on the business world though。
Christina Gomez
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This book has a lot of hype， but I didn't really love it。。。 There are a couple of good techniques and views on overall human nature that can help。 But other times， I just don't see these techniques in real life。 For me， the most complicated negotiations are with people close to me: my mom， my husband， my brother， not bank robbers。 And it doesnt really go into that。 It also doesnt teach you to defend yourself against certain techiques。 Finally， it is loooonngggg， without needing to be。 So overall This book has a lot of hype， but I didn't really love it。。。 There are a couple of good techniques and views on overall human nature that can help。 But other times， I just don't see these techniques in real life。 For me， the most complicated negotiations are with people close to me: my mom， my husband， my brother， not bank robbers。 And it doesnt really go into that。 It also doesnt teach you to defend yourself against certain techiques。 Finally， it is loooonngggg， without needing to be。 So overall， ok， some good tips， but definately did not love it 。。。more
Soffelade
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It was quite entertaining and had a good overview so you actively could use the advice
Majka Lesňáková
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At first I thought this book would be about thrilling negotiations with hostage takers and terrorists。 And it is， to a certain extent。 Basically， the author claims that all previous beliefs on how to approach negotations were wrong in a way that they considered your counterpart to be a rational being。 On the contrary， humans are first and foremost emotional。 Their demands hide deeper inner fears and wishes。 By trying to come closer， listening intently and reading between the lines，you may begin At first I thought this book would be about thrilling negotiations with hostage takers and terrorists。 And it is， to a certain extent。 Basically， the author claims that all previous beliefs on how to approach negotations were wrong in a way that they considered your counterpart to be a rational being。 On the contrary， humans are first and foremost emotional。 Their demands hide deeper inner fears and wishes。 By trying to come closer， listening intently and reading between the lines，you may begin to understand all this in a matter of minutes。 The author guides you through several easy-to-learn and ready-to-implement tactics to help you achieve your goal in any negotiation interaction whatsoever，be it in business， relationships or other everyday encounters。 This is by no means a self-help psychology book with empty lines to be filled。 It is interwoven with the author's personal experience as a former FBI negotiator， an academic， a CEO but also a father。 At the same time it offers stories by his students or clients who make this approach seem so effective if you give it shot。 If you are making an effort to understand others on a deeper level， if you wish to win fair and square without inflicting harm on others， this book is for you。 。。。more
John
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Enjoyed the insights and the negotiation process outlined in the book。 The examples from his negotiations and the examples from his students reinforce the importance process。But what happens if the person I am negotiating with has also read the book 。。。
Eli
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Excellent insight from a person that has been in the trenches。 I will use as a reference going forward。 Great book！
Alexander Gil
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Great book on negotiating， the stories are engaging and educational to show how Chris has this knowledge。 This book helped me get a $15k pay rise at work。 The mirroring， labelling， and tactical empathy worked congruently to the outcome you desire。
Juan Chavez
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Never Split the Difference is not a theory-heavy academic book。 Instead， it’s a book full of action items that you can follow in day-to-day conflict resolution。 The negotiating techniques introduced by Voss include: 1） Gather information through active listening skills like mirroring， silences， and voice changes。 2） Tactical Empathy through emotion labeling and accusation auditing。 3） Establish rapport by summarizing your counterpart’s worldview。 4） Trigger a “no” response to give your counterpa Never Split the Difference is not a theory-heavy academic book。 Instead， it’s a book full of action items that you can follow in day-to-day conflict resolution。 The negotiating techniques introduced by Voss include: 1） Gather information through active listening skills like mirroring， silences， and voice changes。 2） Tactical Empathy through emotion labeling and accusation auditing。 3） Establish rapport by summarizing your counterpart’s worldview。 4） Trigger a “no” response to give your counterpart the illusion of control in order to start the negotiation process。 5） Anchor expectations to set limits for the discussion。 6） Use calibrated questions to get your counterparts to bid against themselves。 7） Use calibrated questions， summaries， and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times to guarantee execution。 8） Recognize different negotiation styles and associated behavior patterns。 9） Display anger and assertion strategically。 10） Old school Ackerman bargain system。 11） Discover knowledge which is outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predictedVoss uses cases of real successes and failures to further support and demonstrate every strategy he introduces。 As a reader， I feel excitement， anxiety， stress， anger， fear， confusion， and frustration， feelings that will most likely emerge during a real negotiation process。 While going through each chapter， I learn how to treat emotions as solutions instead of obstacles during the negotiation process。GOLD:1）Kahneman later codified his research in the 2011 bestseller Thinking， Fast and Slow。3 Man， he wrote， has two systems of thought: System 1， our animal mind， is fast， instinctive， and emotional; System 2 is slow， deliberative， and logical。 And System 1 is far more influential。 In fact， it guides and steers our rational thoughts。2） All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs。 Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface。 Once you know that the Haitian kidnappers just want party money， you will be miles better prepared。3）As an old Washington Post editor named Robert Estabrook once said， “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation。”4）Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right。 Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation。5）Every engineer， every executive， every child—all of us want to believe we are capable of the extraordinary。 As children， our daydreams feature ourselves as primary players in great moments: an actor winning an Oscar， an athlete hitting the game-winning shot。 As we grow older， however， our parents， teachers， and friends talk more of what we can’t and shouldn’t do than what is possible。 We begin to lose faith。6）“You must accept the reality of other people。 You think that reality is up for negotiation， that we think it’s whatever you say it is。 You must accept that we are as real as you are; you must accept that you are not God。” 。。。more
Minjeong
，
Chris Voss teaches his readers how to talk with our counterparts so that as negotiators， we may piece together their side of the world and use this information to bring them over to our side。 I like that the book isn't merely shallow or manipulative tactics， but rather teaches us techniques to empathize with the counterpart through conversational techniques。Most of us aren't FBI hostage negotiators like the author; instead I hope to find comparatively mundane situations to practice some of the t Chris Voss teaches his readers how to talk with our counterparts so that as negotiators， we may piece together their side of the world and use this information to bring them over to our side。 I like that the book isn't merely shallow or manipulative tactics， but rather teaches us techniques to empathize with the counterpart through conversational techniques。Most of us aren't FBI hostage negotiators like the author; instead I hope to find comparatively mundane situations to practice some of the tactics。 The author's perspective towards negotiation is that the tension and conflict that we may feel are not feelings to shy away from。 If two people are negotiating， it means that participants have signed up for it and tension is going to naturally be included in the exchange。 。。。more
ylva kravis
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A well-balanced combination of both theory and practice， accompanied with a great storytelling and the author's personal experience。 Loved every single chapter。In contrary to some reviews claiming this book teaching the ways of manipulation and giving ground to destroy your friendships， I believe it's actually a fact the book gives clear and simple explanations for certain human behavior that makes some feel intimidated。I had multiple "a-ha！" moments as I recalled being wrapped around a finger， A well-balanced combination of both theory and practice， accompanied with a great storytelling and the author's personal experience。 Loved every single chapter。In contrary to some reviews claiming this book teaching the ways of manipulation and giving ground to destroy your friendships， I believe it's actually a fact the book gives clear and simple explanations for certain human behavior that makes some feel intimidated。I had multiple "a-ha！" moments as I recalled being wrapped around a finger， recognized some ideas I have been challenging myself， and extended my books-to-read wishlist with author's references。 。。。more
Paul
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Naslagwerk。 Goed te lezen met ‘you’re not listening’。
Christina/ The Blog for Teachers， Readers， & Life！
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This is the best business/ negation book I have ever read！
Nicole Calkin
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Really enjoyed this！ Interesting but also had really great ideas to use everyday in the sales world！ As a manager， this gave me a ton of great talking points to help my team！
Kyle
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You should question yourself after every time you have a conversation with me now。。。and I bet I can convince you to put that lampshade on your head。
Nate Wootten
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This book is amazing。 Because of this book， I successfully negotiated my rent down with my landlord and negotiated a raise with my boss。 Would not have had the courage to do so without reading this book。
Ricardo Castañeda
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I love this type of books， where you have a very practical way to understand what the author is trying to explain， supported by scientific research。 What I liked the most:Besides learning about negotiation tactics， and being very intrigued about the resolution of all the stories he tells about hostages， I felt it was a very good way to understand empathy in a more structured way。 I'm already applying some of the learnings in my day-to-day work （I do sales） and I feel it's working。 What I didn't I love this type of books， where you have a very practical way to understand what the author is trying to explain， supported by scientific research。 What I liked the most:Besides learning about negotiation tactics， and being very intrigued about the resolution of all the stories he tells about hostages， I felt it was a very good way to understand empathy in a more structured way。 I'm already applying some of the learnings in my day-to-day work （I do sales） and I feel it's working。 What I didn't like:Sometimes I felt it was somehow repetitive。 And other tips I felt that it is more related to personalities， rather than something you can force。 Very good and interesting reading。 。。。more
Tim
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Great book about good questions。It does bother me that his whole premise of the book is based on the metaphor that compromise is always bad because you wouldn't wear one black shoe and one brown。 There are are lot of non-fashion related issues when compromise would be beneficial。 Still， this book has interesting things to say about the psychology of conversations and how to ask questions to direct the conversation where you'd like。 I have found I'm as surprisingly bad negotiator。 Great book about good questions。It does bother me that his whole premise of the book is based on the metaphor that compromise is always bad because you wouldn't wear one black shoe and one brown。 There are are lot of non-fashion related issues when compromise would be beneficial。 Still， this book has interesting things to say about the psychology of conversations and how to ask questions to direct the conversation where you'd like。 I have found I'm as surprisingly bad negotiator。 。。。more
Anurag Bhandari
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Practical， on-the-ground tips from a long-time FBI hostage negotiator。 While some tips from hostage crises may not translate 1:1 to business or personal negotiations， most of them do （you'll instinctively feel so）。The author does an excellent job in pushing across two major takeaways -- （a） you cannot separate out emotion from negotiation （rationality is intrinsically based on emotions or worldviews） and （b） do not run/shy away from difficult conversations even when you feel uncomfortable （confl Practical， on-the-ground tips from a long-time FBI hostage negotiator。 While some tips from hostage crises may not translate 1:1 to business or personal negotiations， most of them do （you'll instinctively feel so）。The author does an excellent job in pushing across two major takeaways -- （a） you cannot separate out emotion from negotiation （rationality is intrinsically based on emotions or worldviews） and （b） do not run/shy away from difficult conversations even when you feel uncomfortable （conflict， however small or big， is part of human interactions and not such a bad thing - it requires collaboration to resolve it）。Tips shared in the book certainly feel more modern than the techniques presented in You Can Negotiate Anything: The World's Best Negotiator Tells You How To Get What You Want （Voss even explicitly points that out somewhere in the middle of the book）。 Still， a lot of stuff in Cohen's book feels still relevant， at least from a confidence-boosting perspective。 I'd take good parts from both the books to test my newly learned skills in the real world。 。。。more
Hayden Powers
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The audiobook is incredible。 The narrator sounds like a smooth-talking FBI agent himself， but I would suggest not listening to the audiobook for one reason。。。 this thing is absolutely packed with information。 You simply cant retain it all just by listening。 I got to the point where I was thinking I should start taking notes， then I got to the point where I did！ Its why it took me twice as long to get through it， but well worth it。Applications of psychology hacks， tested methodologies， real stori The audiobook is incredible。 The narrator sounds like a smooth-talking FBI agent himself， but I would suggest not listening to the audiobook for one reason。。。 this thing is absolutely packed with information。 You simply cant retain it all just by listening。 I got to the point where I was thinking I should start taking notes， then I got to the point where I did！ Its why it took me twice as long to get through it， but well worth it。Applications of psychology hacks， tested methodologies， real stories， and clear instruction on how to get your way by making the other seem like its *their* way are all part of this book。 I especially love the methods he calls "labeling" to not only assume the emotion of another person by labelling it but also using it to calm your own emotions down， and "calibrated questions" as he calls them， to get more information from your counterpart; questions that start with "how" and "why"。 He drives home that the active listener is the one who is in power of the conversation。It's a longer audiobook， around 8hrs。 But its completely worth it and certainly not something to just idly listen to， its an instruction manual。 。。。more
Kamran Kiyani
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One very interesting view on interactions with others。 ONE view。。。 of several。
Sal
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Quick Tips:-Be a mirror。 Repeat the last three word the person says。-Tactical Empathy & Labeling。 Understand someone else's perspective。 Respond with"It seems like。。。。" "It sounds like。。。。"-Calibrated Questions & Tactical Empathy: Use open ended questions "How am I supposed to do that？" "What are we trying to accomplish here？"-The emotions of the other person play a bigger role than facts-7/38/55 Percent Rule: 7% of a message is based on words， 38% tone of voice， 55% body language-Set your price Quick Tips:-Be a mirror。 Repeat the last three word the person says。-Tactical Empathy & Labeling。 Understand someone else's perspective。 Respond with"It seems like。。。。" "It sounds like。。。。"-Calibrated Questions & Tactical Empathy: Use open ended questions "How am I supposed to do that？" "What are we trying to accomplish here？"-The emotions of the other person play a bigger role than facts-7/38/55 Percent Rule: 7% of a message is based on words， 38% tone of voice， 55% body language-Set your price。 1st offer is 65%， then 85，95， 100。 Final number use precise non-round number （$4291 instead of $4300）。 Throw in a non-monetary item。 。。。more
kruznick
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It took me awhile to get through this， but that was due to the practicality of the content in this。 I encourage anyone reading this to get their hands on the masterclass as well and followup each chapter with the relevant video for the examples in instances such as tone and delivery。 I personally found each chapter informative and I recommend it to anyone looking to sharpen their social and negotiation skills。
Johanz
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“Don’t avoid honest， clear， conflict。 It will get you the best car price， the higher salary， and the highest donation。 It will also save your marriage， your friendship， and your family。 One can only be an exceptional negotiator， and a great person， by both listening and speaking clearly and empathetically， by treating counterparts and oneself with dignity and respect， and most of all， by being honest about what one wants and what one can or cannot do。”
Ryan
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He comes across very cocksure but has some good points
Joao Vitor
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 This book teaches amazing negotiation skills that can be used across a multitude of life situations， be it a hostage or salary negotiation！
Onur Karagülle
，
Türkiye pratiğiyle yakından uzaktan alakası olmayan bir kitap， Türkçe çevirisi de berbat olduğu için zar zor bitirebildim。
Suj
，
Notable points/quotes:If you’re going to be great at anything， you need to get over the fear of conflict and navigate it with empathy。 “You’re going to have to embrace regular， thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation - and of life。。。don’t avoid honest， clear conflict。 It will get you the best car price， the higher salary， the largest donation。 It will also save your marriage， your friendship， your family。""One can be an exceptional negotiator， and a great person， by both listen Notable points/quotes:If you’re going to be great at anything， you need to get over the fear of conflict and navigate it with empathy。 “You’re going to have to embrace regular， thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation - and of life。。。don’t avoid honest， clear conflict。 It will get you the best car price， the higher salary， the largest donation。 It will also save your marriage， your friendship， your family。""One can be an exceptional negotiator， and a great person， by both listening and speaking clearly and empathetically; be treating counterparts - and oneself - with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can - and cannot - do。 Every negotiation， every conversation， every moment of life， is a series of small conflicts that， managed well， can rise to creative beauty。 Embrace them。" 。。。more
Rachel L
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I read this book for ideas on how to negotiate for my needs in daily life， and to feel more comfortable giving pushback in general， instead of staying quiet。 I found the examples unhelpful - I am not a hostage negotiator， buying a car， or wanting better pay。 I did recommend that a friend read the section on negotiating a better salary: she has the book but never read it。 So， someone benefitted from me reading this book！！ I also grew tired and weary with the self aggrandizing writing of the autho I read this book for ideas on how to negotiate for my needs in daily life， and to feel more comfortable giving pushback in general， instead of staying quiet。 I found the examples unhelpful - I am not a hostage negotiator， buying a car， or wanting better pay。 I did recommend that a friend read the section on negotiating a better salary: she has the book but never read it。 So， someone benefitted from me reading this book！！ I also grew tired and weary with the self aggrandizing writing of the author。 I can see that he is， as self described， assertive。 。。。more
Paul
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