Nonfiction

The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger

The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger

  • Downloads：4696
  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-08-28 07:53:17
  • Update Date：2025-09-07
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Leonard Scheff
  • ISBN：0761158154
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Summary

Road rage。 Domestic violence。 Professionally angry TV and radio commentators。 We’re a society that is swimming in anger， always about to snap。 Leonard Scheff， a trial attorney， once used anger to fuel his court persona， until he came to realize just how poisonous anger is。 That and his intense study of Buddhism and meditation changed him。 His transformation can be summarized in a simple parable: Imagine you are circling a crowded parking lot when， just as you spot a space， another driver races ahead and takes it。 Easy to imagine the rage。 But now imagine that instead of another driver， a cow has lumbered into that parking space and settled down。 The anger dissolves into bemusement。 What really changed？ You—your perspective。

Using simple Buddhist principles and applying them in a way that is easy for non-Buddhists to understand and put into practice， Scheff and Edmiston have created an interactive book that helps readers change perspective， step by step， so that they can replace the anger in their lives with a newfound happiness。 Based on the successful anger management program Scheff created， The Cow in the Parking Lot shows how anger is based on unmet demands， and introduces the four most common types—Important and Reasonable （you want love from your partner）; Reasonable but Unimportant （you didn’t get that seat in the restaurant window）; Irrational （you want respect from a stranger）; and the Impossible （you want someone to fix everything wrong in your life）。

Scheff and Edmiston show how， once we identify our real unmet demands we can dissolve the anger; how， once we understand our "buttons，" we can change what happens when they’re pushed。 He shows how to laugh at ourselves—a powerful early step in changing angry behavior。 By the end， as the reader continues to observe and fill in the exercises honestly， it won’t matter who takes that parking space—only you can make yourself angry。

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Reviews

Adrielle Stapleton ，

This was more helpful than I was expecting， but I imagine you need to read it again and practice regularly to really feel change。

Maggie Milburn ，

Loved the common sense in this book。。。。common sense that can quickly dissipate when confronted with situations you easily ， for whatever reason， over react to。 This is on my read again list！

Elari ，

Cute， unassuming little book。 I could have picked something better to read， but I honestly couldn't resist the title。 Cute， unassuming little book。 I could have picked something better to read， but I honestly couldn't resist the title。 。。。more

Julianne DiPalma ，

I had to read this book for my communications course this semester。 There are plenty of examples and ways to help you understand how anger can ruin many things in your life。 Choosing to not be angry is extremely difficult and will always be a constant battle because we are human， but it is possible。

Carl Perkins ，

Life changing readThis book is a must read for anyone who wants to be free from the crippling effects of anger。 Life changing indeed！

Nadine ，

Ok so there’s a theme in my reaction to these books - they’re almost universally annoying- albeit for different reasons - this one was ok except for the fact that the narrator insists on reading the quotes from non USA people in this terribly demeaning and quite honestly racist accent。 If you access the book do so in print and NoT the audio version！Do better narrators ！！

Brooke Speakman ，

I listened to this as an audiobook one day while cleaning the house。 It was free， otherwise I probably wouldn’t have read it。 It has some good practical advice for reframing anger， getting to the root of our frustrations， and how to tell people your expectations to avoid anger。 But oh my gosh， I could not stand the narrator and the repetitiveness。 Some very good points but could have been better delivered。

Jeff Kim ，

The author relies heavily on Buddhist literature to provide a useful framework for being more equanimous and serene when going about our（stressful？） day to day lives。It could have been five stars but for:a） I found his writing style（Or was it his English？） sorely wanting。b） While the author claimed that you don't have to be a Buddhist to read the book（He stuck to this task brilliantly）， some concepts however went over my head （Non Buddhists may encounter some of these occassionaly） The author relies heavily on Buddhist literature to provide a useful framework for being more equanimous and serene when going about our（stressful？） day to day lives。It could have been five stars but for:a） I found his writing style（Or was it his English？） sorely wanting。b） While the author claimed that you don't have to be a Buddhist to read the book（He stuck to this task brilliantly）， some concepts however went over my head （Non Buddhists may encounter some of these occassionaly） 。。。more

Anne Urry ，

This is a beautiful little book with insightful Buddhist teachings about anger and letting it go。 I think it was helpful for me as I am already a little familiar with mindfulness and meditation。

Aurora ，

The tips on reducing anger in your life are effective。 I feel more peaceful and motivated to change my life。 You don’t have to be Buddhist to benefit from the chapters within。

Brian Griffith ，

Scheff and Edmiston conduct a probing， gently humorous investigation of ordinary anger。 They invite us to ask what demand is behind our fury， what we expected， what our reaction looks like in the light of day， and what our anger costs。 It's well done， and it's perspective altering。 Scheff and Edmiston conduct a probing， gently humorous investigation of ordinary anger。 They invite us to ask what demand is behind our fury， what we expected， what our reaction looks like in the light of day， and what our anger costs。 It's well done， and it's perspective altering。 。。。more

Amy ，

Very slowly paced。 Offers a non-western view of anger management。

Elly JD ，

4。5

BLACK CAT ，

Maitri （pronounced My-tree） is a Sanskrit term that translates to “unconditional friendship with oneself。” Relax with yourself。 Be able to feel at home in your own mind and body。 To achieve Maitri， do not struggle against the pain in our lives， we all face the fear of dying， growing old， the loss of our loved ones。 Do not turn away from that pain but sit with sit with those pains and bare tenderness of our own hearts we can feel compassion for ourselves。

Samarth Gujrati ，

Although this book is presented to be as a working guide for controlling and overcoming anger but I feel that this book should be read by everyone irrespective whether he/she gets angry or not。The book presents how to live a great life by just changing our point of view and then everything else around us changes automatically。 It completely changed my view for my as well as other's lives。A must read book for everyone。 Although this book is presented to be as a working guide for controlling and overcoming anger but I feel that this book should be read by everyone irrespective whether he/she gets angry or not。The book presents how to live a great life by just changing our point of view and then everything else around us changes automatically。 It completely changed my view for my as well as other's lives。A must read book for everyone。 。。。more

Matthew ，

You may have heard of the humane treatment of animals， but often we treat animals better than people， at least when it comes to anger。 It's easy to imagine a grumpy grandmother protecting herself by maintaining a sour disposition only to brighten up at the appearance of a cat。 So you might say this book is how to treat people more like animals -- with less judgment。The key Scheff proposes is becoming aware of our mind and its demands， understanding how foolish it is to expect them to all be met。 You may have heard of the humane treatment of animals， but often we treat animals better than people， at least when it comes to anger。 It's easy to imagine a grumpy grandmother protecting herself by maintaining a sour disposition only to brighten up at the appearance of a cat。 So you might say this book is how to treat people more like animals -- with less judgment。The key Scheff proposes is becoming aware of our mind and its demands， understanding how foolish it is to expect them to all be met。 While some can be communicated， brokering peace， sometimes people simply won't budge and that's OK。 We can work around them。 We do not need to press our case and cause ourselves more harm than good; nor do we need to mind the insistence of others， but can let their irritation， anger， and rage force its way towards us and take a step back， like judo。 Considering how happy one can be by not wanting the world to bow down to our desires， especially the desire for other people to treat us the way we want them to， it would seem like everyone would be zen。 Such a book is worth the reading， however， because in fact anger is what appears to be the better choice。 Anger is 'honey crested with poison roots。' [Buddha] It is attractive like any drug， even with the pleasure followed by a hangover and an enslaving addiction that gets worse over time。 To break free， one must not merely realize the role of one's mind in creating anger， but also one's love of it。 There is a need to believe in the superiority of love， compassion， and the deeper happiness one will feel for the long term in letting it go。 It may be pretty clear that a mind of peace is better for one's health， wealth， and reputation than anger， but there is something clearly deceptive about anger， that may require a lifetime of reflection to regularly deal with its temptation。 Perhaps the most inspiring parts deal with loving one's enemies。 Not merely becoming aware that anger is a choice， but compassion as well， one can look beyond the offenses of others and see through them into their suffering mind and heart and be moved to love them to the core。 One can strive to care for the deep， unmet needs of one's enemies。 I cannot believe any part of this book is easy to apply， but it definitely appears to be worth the effort， going from friendship with one's self [Maitri] to compassion on one's enemies。 。。。more

Diane ，

Great resource for work。

Mariah Hanson ，

This book has its merits but its so oversimplified and without meaningful construct。 It felt like it was written by a beginner mind and offered obvious platitudes; and yet， there were powerful aspects to it， a quote written by Thurman， or a Rinpoche。 So， if you are into a oversimplified way to address anger from the Buddhist perspective， it's an easy read。 It did have some tasty morsels， but generally， for me， it was appreciated but felt like a tiny hors d'oeuvres when I am ready for the main co This book has its merits but its so oversimplified and without meaningful construct。 It felt like it was written by a beginner mind and offered obvious platitudes; and yet， there were powerful aspects to it， a quote written by Thurman， or a Rinpoche。 So， if you are into a oversimplified way to address anger from the Buddhist perspective， it's an easy read。 It did have some tasty morsels， but generally， for me， it was appreciated but felt like a tiny hors d'oeuvres when I am ready for the main course。 ;） 。。。more

Austin ，

In a year full of frustration， I found this book to be very helpful in grounding me in some Buddhist approaches to managing anger。 Very accessible and worthwhile， and for me， very timely。

Michelle ，

Easy to understand book on how to regulate emotions and think your way out of reacting so that responding （or choosing not to） can occur。 It explains the physiology of what not only goes on in the brain but throughout the body when emotions are heightened。 It explains why our thoughts and beliefs are merely opinions and not facts。 And it explains how changing thoughts changes emotions which in turn changes behavior， and thus changes outcomes。 If this were required reading in middle school， our s Easy to understand book on how to regulate emotions and think your way out of reacting so that responding （or choosing not to） can occur。 It explains the physiology of what not only goes on in the brain but throughout the body when emotions are heightened。 It explains why our thoughts and beliefs are merely opinions and not facts。 And it explains how changing thoughts changes emotions which in turn changes behavior， and thus changes outcomes。 If this were required reading in middle school， our society would be unrecognizable！ And people could stop unfriending those who disagree with them on FB。 LOL。 。。。more

Salvatore Farieri ，

This is a must。

Sharad ，

Easily adaptable and learnable solutions to one's anger management Easily adaptable and learnable solutions to one's anger management 。。。more

Catherine ，

A helpful book for managing everyday anger。 This book will convince you that anger is a destructive emotion and that the more you can learn to reduce anger in your life， the happier and more effective you will be。 I appreciated the Zen Buddhist approach even though I am not a practicing Buddhist。 There were many good reminders that action taken when angry is likely going to be irrational and that the person most damaged by your anger is you。 The book argues that you can choose to reduce the amou A helpful book for managing everyday anger。 This book will convince you that anger is a destructive emotion and that the more you can learn to reduce anger in your life， the happier and more effective you will be。 I appreciated the Zen Buddhist approach even though I am not a practicing Buddhist。 There were many good reminders that action taken when angry is likely going to be irrational and that the person most damaged by your anger is you。 The book argues that you can choose to reduce the amount of anger in your life and offers guidance with that process。 。。。more

Melissa Burnett ，

I think I would have enjoyed this a lot more with a different narrator。

Siskiyou-Suzy ，

So here's the thing。I'm pretty angry。 I do have a lot of anger in my life。 I've learned different techniques for managing it， but I still have it。 So I thought I'd work on myself！I'm not sure who this book is for （middle-aged angry white guys mostly with road rage problems I guess？） but it's certainly not for neurodivergent， self-reflecting， self-work-doing me。 This is like an introduction to the literal basics in some parts， and in other parts just 。 。 。 not applicable to my life experiences。Be So here's the thing。I'm pretty angry。 I do have a lot of anger in my life。 I've learned different techniques for managing it， but I still have it。 So I thought I'd work on myself！I'm not sure who this book is for （middle-aged angry white guys mostly with road rage problems I guess？） but it's certainly not for neurodivergent， self-reflecting， self-work-doing me。 This is like an introduction to the literal basics in some parts， and in other parts just 。 。 。 not applicable to my life experiences。Because here's how I would respond to a cow in the parking lot:I would be pissed。 Are you kidding me？ I'm waiting for this spot， I need this spot， I am hot and tired and I want this spot。 And a COW walks into it？ WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS COW？ Cows *don't* just wander around parking lots -- somebody has decided to let this cow go， or very irresponsibly just let it sit in that parking lot all the time without *placing a sign* which is what would be the polite thing to do。 And my anger at this could potentially manifest in me getting people to place a sign， thus reducing the amount of anger and frustration in the world。I don't get mad at people in cars like literally every single man I've ever been around。 I've long since learned that people have their own motivations， their own lives， and being cut off or stealing a parking lot is never， ever， ever personal。 I will quickly think， "That's okay， they probably really， really needed that spot。 Maybe their child has to pee。 Maybe they honestly didn't see me， people get pretty spacy， just like I do。"And a cow isn't personal either。 But a cow can be fixed。 A cow should not be in a parking lot。 That's not an appropriate place for cows。 And seeing that it is happening and that the world just lets it happen （and that other people just chuckle and wave their hands？）？ No。 That's the response of people who don't believe in improving the world， in making things better for others。 The moment I encountered this frustration and discovered the cow does that all the time is the moment I would make a request that a sign is added to that parking spot so that nobody is caught off-guard。I don't struggle with anger at people。 I struggle with anger at things。 Momentary anger that goes away pretty fast but is like a fire erupting inside of me。 When things are just not working， just won't work。 I know there is some element of taking is personally in there， a large element of it， but mostly I'm just pissed at the inconvenience。 Not other people， at things that happen in my life that make no sense。 Like a cow in a fucking parking lot。So yeah。 This book is for somebody else。 。。。more

Allison ，

This was okay， but the since I listened to it， and the narrator annoyed me it was hard to love this book。

The Duke ，

Thought-provoking。

Hunny Bunns ，

I couldn’t decide between giving this book 4 stars or 5 stars。 I wish good-reads have half stars。

Jack Thorlin ，

At its best， the book offers really helpful ways of examining the causes of our own anger: the unsatisfied needs we have and the unmet demands we make of the world。 The first half of the book is great。Toward the end， the book increasingly becomes a pitch for Buddhism generally。 That drift away from the focus on anger management is the only thing that keeps me from giving the book five stars。

Aivaras ，

I decided to read this book in order to learn how to better control emotions and not get frustrated by some of the things that feel important in the moment， but are fairly inconsequential when you look at the grand scheme of things。What I really liked about the book is that the authors almost always have a point in mind when they're writing。 Although the book is quite short， it lays out what it wants to say in a structured and engaging way。 Too often "self-help" books tend to go on and on with a I decided to read this book in order to learn how to better control emotions and not get frustrated by some of the things that feel important in the moment， but are fairly inconsequential when you look at the grand scheme of things。What I really liked about the book is that the authors almost always have a point in mind when they're writing。 Although the book is quite short， it lays out what it wants to say in a structured and engaging way。 Too often "self-help" books tend to go on and on with anecdotal stories and paragraphs of pointless information and you end up forgetting what the main takeaways are。 The book also has engaging exercises throughout to help better understand the concepts， as well as to analyze your own way of dealing with anger and frustration。I would recommend this book to people who would want to learn more about how Buddhist philosophy can help you limit the every day frustrations in your life and be just a bit happier。One quote stood out in particular:Buddhism takes the view that it’s foolish to take the opinions of the outside world， which may fluctuate daily if not from moment to moment， as any serious measure of ourselves。 As His Holiness， the Dalai Lama， once famously said of himself: “One day Nobel Prize， next day pile of sh*t！” 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0