Nonfiction

Modern Romance

Modern Romance

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  • Create Date：2021-08-26 09:54:20
  • Update Date：2025-09-07
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Aziz Ansari
  • ISBN：0141981466
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Summary

The #1 New York Times Bestseller

**A hilarious， thoughtful， and in-depth exploration of the pleasures and perils of modern romance from Aziz Ansari， the Emmy-award winning star of Master of None and one of this generation's sharpest comedic voices**

In the old days， most people would find a decent person who lived in their village or neighbourhood， and after deciding they weren't a murderer， get married and have kids - all by the age of 22。

Now we spend years of our lives searching for our perfect soul mate and， thanks to dating apps， mobile phones and social media， we have more romantic options than ever before in human history。 Yet we also have to confront strange new dilemmas， such as what to think when someone is too busy to reply to a text but has time to post a photo of their breakfast on Instagram。 And if we have so many more options， why aren't people any less frustrated？

For years， American comedian Aziz Ansari has been aiming his comic insight at dating and relationships， and in Modern Romance， he teams up with award-winning sociologist Eric Klinenberg to investigate love in the age of technology。 They enlisted some of the world's leading social scientists， conducted hundreds of interviews， analyzed the behavioural data， and researched dating cultures from Tokyo to Buenos Aires to New York City。 The result is an unforgettable picture of modern love， combining Ansari's irreverent humour with cutting-edge social science。

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Reviews

Veronica ，

Ok I thought this book was more of a 3。5， Aziz from parks and rec， breaks down modern dating through talking to experts， finding current data， doing his own focus groups and tossing in some comedy。 It's a good audiobook because it talks about the history of dating， how dating has changed with technology and also looks at different cultures in places like Japan， France and Argentina。 Interesting for sure， I would recommend for a car ride。 Ok I thought this book was more of a 3。5， Aziz from parks and rec， breaks down modern dating through talking to experts， finding current data， doing his own focus groups and tossing in some comedy。 It's a good audiobook because it talks about the history of dating， how dating has changed with technology and also looks at different cultures in places like Japan， France and Argentina。 Interesting for sure， I would recommend for a car ride。 。。。more

Katie Crichton ，

3。5 ⭐️

Karri ，

Pretty neat！ Funny and insightful。 Left me wanting more of Aziz' culinaristic travels around the world with a side of interviewing people from different cultures about dating and love。 Pretty neat！ Funny and insightful。 Left me wanting more of Aziz' culinaristic travels around the world with a side of interviewing people from different cultures about dating and love。 。。。more

Angela ，

A little dry but interesting。 I was expecting more humor

Britt ，

This is the first book this year that I didn’t finished。 I made it about half way through。Aziz is in a relationship at the time of writing， and says that as a public figure he didn’t online date before that anyway so perhaps a lot of the content here is new and fascinating to him （“THIS is how regular people live their lives？！ Crazy！！”）。But anyone who has been single at some stage in the last 10 years， or had a single friend， or honestly even just been alive and online， is probably already intim This is the first book this year that I didn’t finished。 I made it about half way through。Aziz is in a relationship at the time of writing， and says that as a public figure he didn’t online date before that anyway so perhaps a lot of the content here is new and fascinating to him （“THIS is how regular people live their lives？！ Crazy！！”）。But anyone who has been single at some stage in the last 10 years， or had a single friend， or honestly even just been alive and online， is probably already intimately familiar with how online dating works and the problems associated。 Which makes up the entire first half of the book。 It’s like a manual for aliens trying to infiltrate earth’s dating scene， down to the individual steps involved in downloading Tinder to your phone。There was little insight or new information brought to light。 I’m stunned it is referred to as ‘hilarious’。 It’s not a comedy book， which he makes clear from the get go， but it also isn’t really much of anything else either。 。。。more

Sweeroy ，

genuinely great， although i did sometimes wish that aziz’s editor had stepped in a little more often to cut some of the jokes。 mostly it flows super well， sticking to the interesting stuff backed by the authors own research， and it’s a great insight into a world i hope i never enter again。 the typography is also fantastic， it’s so rare to see a non fiction book actually use colour。 can’t have been cheap！ but it makes the content easier to read and made it stand kuru

MK ，

Really more like 3。5Part of me wishes I'd read this years ago， I don't know why I kept getting the thought that some of it is irrelevant by now。 Or I'm just that jaded about dating。 Either way， it was interesting， I'm happy I finally got to it。 Really more like 3。5Part of me wishes I'd read this years ago， I don't know why I kept getting the thought that some of it is irrelevant by now。 Or I'm just that jaded about dating。 Either way， it was interesting， I'm happy I finally got to it。 。。。more

Melissa ，

Fun to listen to the audio book

Adam ，

Left the dating pool a few years before this came out （and just before the rise of Tinder）， though as someone who met his spouse on OKCupid， it was still a world I experienced。 It's not all about single folks; it discusses monogamous partnerships as well。The fact that Ansari teamed up with sociologists and conducted actual focus groups roots this in evidence （or anecdotes。。。） more than the typical debut-book-by-a-comedian， and was a refreshing read， rather than some autobiographical fluff with p Left the dating pool a few years before this came out （and just before the rise of Tinder）， though as someone who met his spouse on OKCupid， it was still a world I experienced。 It's not all about single folks; it discusses monogamous partnerships as well。The fact that Ansari teamed up with sociologists and conducted actual focus groups roots this in evidence （or anecdotes。。。） more than the typical debut-book-by-a-comedian， and was a refreshing read， rather than some autobiographical fluff with page-count padding。 。。。more

William Geovanny ，

Putr

Nancy ，

Read for book club！

Lolli ，

Sorry- I don't see the appeal。 Sorry- I don't see the appeal。 。。。more

Gabrielle Gean ，

Not a big fan of Ansari but this book hits different and is something else。

Jessica ，

Modern Romance is more of a dating advice book for today's singles。 The analysis of modern romance， as compared to traditional romance， somewhat falls flat， because it's just what you expected: people have more options today and have a harder time choosing。 While somewhat lacking in deep insights and rigorous methodology， Ansari did touch on most aspects of modern romance， thus provided a brilliant introduction of the whole deal to someone not in the "emerging adulthood。" Also， Ansari is a stand Modern Romance is more of a dating advice book for today's singles。 The analysis of modern romance， as compared to traditional romance， somewhat falls flat， because it's just what you expected: people have more options today and have a harder time choosing。 While somewhat lacking in deep insights and rigorous methodology， Ansari did touch on most aspects of modern romance， thus provided a brilliant introduction of the whole deal to someone not in the "emerging adulthood。" Also， Ansari is a standup comedian， so I did snort quite a few times reading his jokes。What I remembered from each chapter:1。 Searching for Your Soul Mate- In the old-time， people get married as a rite of passage to adulthood。 For women， that means finally being free from their parents， though they just， unfortunately， fell into the control of their husbands。- Soul mates don't exist， so stop trying to find the "perfect" significant other with characteristics you have taken from every person you met （or saw online）。 You just get disappointed they are not perfect。2。 The Initial Ask- Bad texts: generic "hey"， a lot of back-and-forth scheduling time （LOL I'M INDECISIVE）， a lot of pointless small talks （I kind of enjoy those， since it's like talking in person but more comfortable， although I was thinking more along the lines of friendships than dating）， and bad grammar/spelling- Good texts: specific invitations to meeting in real life， recall old conversations and memories， and humorous- People play games: similar length in response and 1。25x or 2x waiting time with occasional quick text backs （wow people really put a lot of thought into them）， and I-don't-play-games game。 Hard-to-get actually works， apparently。3。 Online Dating- People used to buy classified ads to "sell" themselves。 That's kind of cute。- 1/3 of married couples in the 2010s actually met through online dating！！！- Dating platform should be used more as an introduction site， and it's best to go on actual dates after a few conversations。 Don't stop at one date because of the soul mate love at first sight ideology， because you overvalue the few things you knew about them。- 90% is about looks on dating sites。 For women， the most efficient profile pictures are flirty high-angle photos showing cleavage with firm eye contact， while doing something adventurous。 For men， the most efficient are ones where you do something adventurous with animals， while perhaps showing off your muscles and looking away。4。 Choices and Options- Older generation people， although not overwhelmed with choices， can still be miserable。 There's a peak in the divorce rate when women gained the right to do so。5。 International Investigations of Love- In Tokyo， people don't want to date。 There is fear of rejection， a lack of contact with the opposite sex， a societal contempt toward showing off yourself， and booming services that satisfy the psychological and sexual needs of singles， so why date？ The government actually subsidizes bars to help people hook up。 Wow。- In Buenos Aires， people are sexually hungry。 There are lots of hookups and open relationships， as well as sexual harassment （no means yes， and ignore means no）。 Interesting。。。6。 Old Issues， New Forms: Sexting， Cheating， Snooping， and Breaking Up- Sexting and breaking up through text is increasingly normalized。- Cheating is made easier with the phone， but faithfulness is not made harder， technically。 - Around 25% of both sexes have cheated before。 A surprisingly large proportion。- Some believe that humans are evolutionarily polygamous， or engage in open relationships。 Only when women started to petition the unjustness in the exclusive tolerance of men messing around did husbands created the societal norm of monogamy。 French has a really open attitude that acknowledges that people are going to cheat。7。 Settling Down- Passionate love peaks at the beginning of dating and marriages then quickly plummet。 There are 2 danger points of break-ups。 At the peak of passionate love， some romances transform into toxic relationships。 At the initial plummet， some people lose interest and move on。- Compassionate love sustain relationships。 It steadily increases with time and is associated with calmness。 。。。more

Peter Ro ，

Yet another book on dating for nerds who want to chase down everything with a ruler， to at least gain some semblance of understanding。

Garrison Weekes ，

This book was really great except for every time Aziz tried to be funny lol

Paipaige ，

Not what I was expecting， but was entertained to say the least。 Laughed out loud a few times。 The pictures， footnotes and fonts were distracting。

Bella ，

note to self : wait to respond to messages if you wanna build attraction and get tf of social media

Liz Ritchie ，

A short read/audiobook that had a lot of interesting research and information about how dating and romance has changed over the decades。 Aziz provided humor through it of course and made me laugh。 This book also has a lot of interesting information about dating in other cultures too and what the norms are。

Geraldine ，

4。5 starsI wrote off this book for a long time because I just didnt know anything about until I read more on it。 It's not a series of essays about dating without any thought to it。 It's a look at what dating is like， how it compares to dating and marriage in the past， and how American dating compares to dating styles in places like France， Japan， Buenos Aires， and Qatar。 Forgive me if I forgot one of the other places they talked about in this book。 I liked this book a lot because Aziz and Eric p 4。5 starsI wrote off this book for a long time because I just didnt know anything about until I read more on it。 It's not a series of essays about dating without any thought to it。 It's a look at what dating is like， how it compares to dating and marriage in the past， and how American dating compares to dating styles in places like France， Japan， Buenos Aires， and Qatar。 Forgive me if I forgot one of the other places they talked about in this book。 I liked this book a lot because Aziz and Eric put a lot of work into this book。 It involves insight from anthropologists， sociologists， and dating experts。 They've also got data from Match。com， did in person interviews， had people share stories on reddit threads， and Aziz let us in on his personal stories as well。 Though some of the results and ideas shared in this are expected， there are still some stories and information that I never knew about or would think about。 He does point out this is mainly about heterosexual relationships and if it included everything about LGBT+， it would've been a much longer book。 Plus I think such a book would've been better off being written by someone in that community。 Such an easy but informative read。 I truly liked that it was by Aziz。 The familiarity of his voice and humor helped me take in the information more effectively， but that's just me。 。。。more

Jude Germann ，

My favorite parts of this book is when he made fun of the reader for listening to the audiobook。 Otherwise， this was kind of。。。。 eh。 Some good insights， but I've been listening to too many dating podcasts。 It all sounded like stuff I've heard before。 My favorite parts of this book is when he made fun of the reader for listening to the audiobook。 Otherwise， this was kind of。。。。 eh。 Some good insights， but I've been listening to too many dating podcasts。 It all sounded like stuff I've heard before。 。。。more

Shayla Poindexter ，

This book was trying to force a comedic take over the results of social science studies （plus a bunch of anecdotal stories） and I don’t think it worked together well。 I like Aziz’s comedy but this book wasn’t funny to me and it wasn’t particularly insightful on the sociology side。 Perhaps I would have liked it more back in 2015 and not 6 years later。

Jeff Ginger ，

This book is old - it's from 2015 and COVID made online dating （meeting） apps ubiquitous。 Let's review how it holds up。Still valid， wish I had read it earlier:- Message length advisory （not too long， give lots of hooks）- Small town destitude （found this out the hard way）- Women get 100+ times as many matches BUT men are getting more than they would without the app （so don't be sad）- I like the prompt of trying for more interesting dates。 Onus is usually on dudes BUT if I remove the nerd/home opt This book is old - it's from 2015 and COVID made online dating （meeting） apps ubiquitous。 Let's review how it holds up。Still valid， wish I had read it earlier:- Message length advisory （not too long， give lots of hooks）- Small town destitude （found this out the hard way）- Women get 100+ times as many matches BUT men are getting more than they would without the app （so don't be sad）- I like the prompt of trying for more interesting dates。 Onus is usually on dudes BUT if I remove the nerd/home options what's left？ Shows/events， museums， tours， outdoors （besides hiking or walks？） - The conclusions1） Remember these are other humans who deserve respect and love2） The way you present online we be what they go off of 3） So be authentic and vulnerable but don't put that much inProblematic:- I think 50% of educated singles in their 30's have massive anxiety （so just skipping to meeting in-person often isn't viable）- Doesn't include how dating works for women with kids- Being overwhelmed is still a problem still with swipe apps （sure women filter out some of the bad but they still have too many to handle）- It's a 2 week problem rather than a 2nd date issue- When to get physical seems like a topic that should be addressed （aka Tinder isn't really for hookups anymore？）- Break ups were 56% text - what percentage are just ghosting entirely？？ （I bet it's like 80% now）- The rise of open relationships （I think it's slower than he implies）- Exhilaration on dates makes for stronger memorable bonds FOR MEN （I think it has the opposite effect for most women I meet）- Phone calls or voicemails aren't seen as confidence， they're seen as intrusive， scary and way too intense （I'm the only one under 40 I know who likes them， I think）== Other voice notes （stop reading here） ==There's also this piece on women really discriminating on the basis of grammar， that's kind of interesting to me and I， as somebody who had a best friend who has dysgraphia， and somebody who has lots of friends that are international， it feels a little， almost like racism or something。 I do get that a lot of the time， to me it's more of a sign that this person is probably a catfish （that they're somebody from another country and they're trying to sucker you in）。 But that's the only indicator I'm worried about I don't actually see grammar as an indicator of intelligence at all。About the confidence of phone calls and the confidence of directly assertively asking people out: I agree that this should be attractive and when I see that behavior exhibited in women I consider it to be so。 However， some I'm wondering what's changed in this since this books writing and and what kinds of， maybe， maybe this is just an audience limitation if I'm running into。 But my impression is that you have 40% of the United States， suffering from some side of it kind of is minimal to severe anxiety condition， and the people that are left in the dating market， oftentimes are probably even more so anxious， and scared， tons and tons of women I don't think it was just her ban either I moved to Colorado， and I found the same resounding lack of confidence that security among people that was contacting， and if you're direct about saying， I like you， I want to hang out let's let's I am romantically interested or even a few dates in saying I would like to start dating， how do you feel about that they should a break and run commitment is fucking terrifying to almost all the women that I encounter。 And that I don't think I think maybe that's changed， or maybe it's a sampling bias of who Aziz Ansari is talking to his women that wanted to talk to him。 So people who are not afraid， and willing to share their opinions which is not the like， I don't know 60% of of America or the dating market that is just terrified of humans that I see。Aziz also discusses the quippy fun one liners， being the king of messaging which I agree this is what the internet seems to want it seems to be what women want because it's low key nonchalant to sort of just knock them off their heels and make them feel giggly and like a free bird again。 And I'm never good at it。 I mean I keep with the right kind of person who gives me material。 I can sometimes work out something funny。 More often than not， I'm trying to be so talking about something real。 I don't want to have shallow short flirtiness。 And this might be a sign of my age or just academic， but I don't know what to do about this when the majority of women I connect to don't seem to want real exchanges。Why is it that I hate this waiting a long time to text back thing so much？ The exponential growth in response time seems like a way to kill any kind of real conversation that why is disinterest sexy。 Shouldn't it be the opposite？ I don't know if I'm capable of being scared by desperation， I actually think vulnerability is attractive。 Duck you people， this is like a， like a cover for anxiety or something。 It's really stupid。Okay， I get the psychological condition of scarcity， creating value， and so in a sense， I understand how people are trying to feign this but if we look at the overall system there's an inequality that's bigger than this， you have， in my opinion unequivocally throughout all of these apps and throughout most age ranges and kinds of people， women， heterosexual women getting hundreds and hundreds of messages。 And so if a guy is just waiting a long time to respond she's gonna fucking forget about it。 Unless he's really really special， but he's got to be really fucking special to stand out， Out of the hundreds or even 1000s， of people that are waiting for her interested in。 It seems more about luck of timing of messages。 In other words， I don't think the scarcity thing works both ways。 I think it works in the favor of pretty heterosexual women。 But I， this feels like only in the situation of there being approaching equality， of which there is that it's very rare， the backdrop of this。As I understand it is most of these apps have two to three times as many men on them， which makes me wonder where the hell are the women。 And is it just that， like， they don't need to get on the app to get attention or is it like there are not that many more women or men in the world than women。 I don't understand how that inequality is happening， and maybe just women don't care that much about having relationships or having sex and that's most of what's going on？Need place to volunteerHottness + supply vs scarcity and commitmentFriends community as the ultimate enablerTokyoI wonder if most East Asian countries are similar to Japan in dating culture - at UIUC Asian women being assertive was absolutely not present， but lack of sex interest and insecurity was common （this might be more about grad students？）Buenos Aires Chp 37Online dating stigma， not needed。 Short term overlap dating culture I've encountered in Denver。 Obsessed little girls vs flake town。 Backup BF in US （emotional support， community/activities） vs Argentina （anticipated flake out）。 Chongo as open relationship normOpen relationship % seems really high for that time， how'd he get it？？ 。。。more

Sophia ，

I’ll start off with the fact that I listened to this book on audio。 And was told that I was lazy 3 times by the author for choosing to listen to this book on audio。 I can take a joke and I know it’s all in good fun， but to get on your audience for the way that they choose to consume your book is off-putting for me。 There are plenty of reasons that someone would listen to a book as opposed to physically reading it （I have a long commute and use that time to listen to books）。 The point is， I picke I’ll start off with the fact that I listened to this book on audio。 And was told that I was lazy 3 times by the author for choosing to listen to this book on audio。 I can take a joke and I know it’s all in good fun， but to get on your audience for the way that they choose to consume your book is off-putting for me。 There are plenty of reasons that someone would listen to a book as opposed to physically reading it （I have a long commute and use that time to listen to books）。 The point is， I picked YOUR book。 Of all the books。 Okay， rant over。 Independent of my rating if this book， the first and last time I read a book on an academic subject that isn’t written by a professional in that field。 I think there are plenty of sociologists that can give incredibly insightful information on this topic because they have dedicated years of their lives to studying that topic。 I’m not faulting the book for not being written by a sociologist because I knew that going into the book。 Where I will fault， the book， however， is in its lacking explanations （relating not texting back to Skinner’s box just wasn’t it for me）。 If you’re looking for a book with some decent information on today’s dating scene with frequent jokes （that add a strange tone to the book， IMO）， then this is the book for you。 It did not， however， land with me。 The jokes took away from the narrative of the book as a sociological text。 In fact， it kept reminding me that this book was written by an actor/comedian。 All in all， this book didn’t provide me with any new and exciting information。 It all felt very intuitive and like stuff I already knew or had heard before。 I read non fiction to learn something I didn’t already know。 And I don’t think I learned anything I didn’t already know。 Sorry （not sorry） for being so harsh。 。。。more

Orla Brady ，

Wouldn't be rushing to read again。。 some points were interesting but overall not a favourite。 Wouldn't be rushing to read again。。 some points were interesting but overall not a favourite。 。。。more

Alice Bergeron ，

3。4

Melissa ，

I found Aziz's unbiased research and reviews to be very interesting。 While I waiver on the same side as him when it comes to relationships- it was very educational hearing others' points of view。 I found Aziz's unbiased research and reviews to be very interesting。 While I waiver on the same side as him when it comes to relationships- it was very educational hearing others' points of view。 。。。more

Ph ，

It was a fun book to read。 As a single at my 20s， the book is quite relevant to some of the issues I faced。 It's great to have an overview the ever-changing landscape of dating and relationship nowadays。 Some of them are new to me lol， guess I'm just outdated。 Aziz gave some good advices to， it feels like you are talking to a friendly， slowly-turning-30s guy-next-door who have has certain heartbreaks。Not related to the content， just put it here since it's kinda funny and I don't want to forget t It was a fun book to read。 As a single at my 20s， the book is quite relevant to some of the issues I faced。 It's great to have an overview the ever-changing landscape of dating and relationship nowadays。 Some of them are new to me lol， guess I'm just outdated。 Aziz gave some good advices to， it feels like you are talking to a friendly， slowly-turning-30s guy-next-door who have has certain heartbreaks。Not related to the content， just put it here since it's kinda funny and I don't want to forget this =）） Putting this book on my to-read list because a guy I had feeling for at one point telling me it was his favourite book， we were doing lots of book recommendations back then。 The favourite book thing turned out to be bullshit since he denied it later on。 That later on， I started reading the book。 We are good friends now lol， but I always wonder whether I misheard what he was saying or I overlooked a hint。 It's funny tho :P 。。。more

Tanay Gupta ，

Funny， germane， and sometimes insightful， MR was worth a read but gets boring halfway through。 If you want a comedy + reactions on how to succeed in the modern dating era， you leave mildly amused and curious but not really that satisfied。Love the author & def interesting tidbits （don’t look at the camera in selfies， bae might not respond via hinge because she’s going through a gender identity crisis）， but not in love （YET）。

Brooke Secola ，

Originally when I picked up the book and saw Aziz Ansari on the cover， my first impression was that I was going to be a humorous book about him recounting past relationships。 Obviously， after reading the back of the book， I realized it was something completely different。 The book uses several resources such as massive research studies， interviews， Reddit responses， etc to cohesively narrate the evolution of dating。 By using Ansari as the narrator of the book， it made it a more casual and engagin Originally when I picked up the book and saw Aziz Ansari on the cover， my first impression was that I was going to be a humorous book about him recounting past relationships。 Obviously， after reading the back of the book， I realized it was something completely different。 The book uses several resources such as massive research studies， interviews， Reddit responses， etc to cohesively narrate the evolution of dating。 By using Ansari as the narrator of the book， it made it a more casual and engaging conversation about modern romance。 I did find some of the research to be a bit outdated especially because the book was written in 2015。 The dating scene has evolved a lot since then with the introduction of even more dating apps。 If I took away anything from the book it would be that finding someone today is a lot more complicated than previous generations because we are able to access so many more people through the use of the internet。 That being said， we are more likely to end up with someone who makes us happy and excited and ultimately see a future with。 Definitely would recommend this book to anyone who is in the “emerging adulthood” stage of life。 Don’t shy away if you are currently in a relationship。 It still can provide great food for thought！ 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Modern Romance

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Modern Romance&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Modern Romance&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0