Surviving the White Gaze: A Memoir
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- Create Date：2021-03-18 22:20:47
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Rebecca Carroll
- ISBN：1982116250
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Summary
A stirring and powerful memoir from black cultural critic Rebecca Carroll recounting her painful struggle to overcome a completely white childhood in order to forge her identity as a black woman in America。
Rebecca Carroll grew up the only black person in her rural New Hampshire town。 Adopted at birth by artistic parents who believed in peace， love， and zero population growth， her early childhood was loving and idyllic—and yet she couldn’t articulate the deep sense of isolation she increasingly felt as she grew older。
Everything changed when she met her birth mother， a young white woman， who consistently undermined Carroll’s sense of her blackness and self-esteem。 Carroll’s childhood became harrowing， and her memoir explores the tension between the aching desire for her birth mother’s acceptance， the loyalty she feels toward her adoptive parents， and the search for her racial identity。 As an adult， Carroll forged a path from city to city， struggling along the way with difficult boyfriends， depression， eating disorders， and excessive drinking。 Ultimately， through the support of her chosen black family， she was able to heal。
Intimate and illuminating， Surviving the White Gaze is a timely examination of racism and racial identity in America today， and an extraordinarily moving portrait of resilience。
Rebecca Carroll grew up the only black person in her rural New Hampshire town。 Adopted at birth by artistic parents who believed in peace， love， and zero population growth， her early childhood was loving and idyllic—and yet she couldn’t articulate the deep sense of isolation she increasingly felt as she grew older。
Everything changed when she met her birth mother， a young white woman， who consistently undermined Carroll’s sense of her blackness and self-esteem。 Carroll’s childhood became harrowing， and her memoir explores the tension between the aching desire for her birth mother’s acceptance， the loyalty she feels toward her adoptive parents， and the search for her racial identity。 As an adult， Carroll forged a path from city to city， struggling along the way with difficult boyfriends， depression， eating disorders， and excessive drinking。 Ultimately， through the support of her chosen black family， she was able to heal。
Intimate and illuminating， Surviving the White Gaze is a timely examination of racism and racial identity in America today， and an extraordinarily moving portrait of resilience。
Reviews
Becky Weinstein
，
This was a fascinating memoir to read as someone who grew up in an almost all white rural town。 I appreciated her candor and vulnerability in sharing how it was for her to realize her racial identity when no one was supporting and guiding her and she had to find her own way。
Joanna Crowell
，
As a biracial adoptee who grew up in a white family in an all white town in New England， I could identify with her story in a deep and meaningful way。 I also lived a life rich with microaggressions and racial trauma， often inflicted by people who mistakenly proclaimed that they were "not racist。" I loved her writing and her talent for expressing her story。 As a biracial adoptee who grew up in a white family in an all white town in New England， I could identify with her story in a deep and meaningful way。 I also lived a life rich with microaggressions and racial trauma， often inflicted by people who mistakenly proclaimed that they were "not racist。" I loved her writing and her talent for expressing her story。 。。。more
Denise
，
Surviving the White Gaze is an extremely powerful memoir from black cultural critic Rebecca Carroll as she recalls her experiences growing up in an all whites family and town。 I enjoyed reading this book and recommend for many！ * I received an advanced reader’s copy of this book from NetGalley and Simon & Schuster Canada in exchange for my honest review
Mary Sisney
，
I loved this book because it confirmed several of my current biases。 While Carroll’s adoptive parents weren’t as nutty （or famous） as Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie or as racist as steal-two-black-women’s-seats-on-the-judiciary-and-use-your-adopted-black-children-as-exhibits-or-props-to-prove- you’re-not-a-racist-jerk， despicable Supreme Court Justice ACB， they were clueless and seemed not to realize that raising a visibly black adopted daughter in a completely white area was not a good idea。 How I loved this book because it confirmed several of my current biases。 While Carroll’s adoptive parents weren’t as nutty （or famous） as Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie or as racist as steal-two-black-women’s-seats-on-the-judiciary-and-use-your-adopted-black-children-as-exhibits-or-props-to-prove- you’re-not-a-racist-jerk， despicable Supreme Court Justice ACB， they were clueless and seemed not to realize that raising a visibly black adopted daughter in a completely white area was not a good idea。 However， those well-meaning， but destructive， even to one of their two white biological children， parents were saints compared to Rebecca’s biological mother， who I would use as exhibit A to battle what I call the METOO whiny wenches， especially the white ones accusing black men of sexual assault or rape。 Tess tells her elementary school age daughter that black men are the best at sex because they have rhythm。 She disparages her daughter’s black biological father and sexualizes her eleven-year-old daughter and even younger brown （their father is Latino） sons。 She shares Mia and Angelina’s nuttiness and talent （as a writer） and ACB’s racism。 And she’s a textbook METOO villain。 She falsely accuses a black literature professor of sexual misconduct， probably not just because he didn’t properly praise her writing but also because he didn’t want to have sex with her。 She claimed he hated women。 No， bitch， he didn’t want to have sex with a student and maybe wasn’t attracted to you。 Although I sympathize with her problems given her early role models， and she and I have similar taste in writers—Toni Morrison is also her favorite—and pop culture—she also reads or did read both PEOPLE and US （but then so did the despicable Tess）， I don’t like or admire Rebecca as much as I do her book。 I don’t approve of the way she treated men or the way she drank。 She also got too many breaks in life for my taste， including acquiring a literary agent through her adopted father and a job working for Charlie Rose through the man she calls Skip， aka Dr。 Henry Louis Gates。 Of course， her description of her experiences with Charlie was helpful to me because I can scratch him off of my list of METOO “victims” for whom I have sympathy。 Behind the scenes Charlie was not the seemingly kind， decent guy we saw on the screen; he was less obnoxious than another villainous victim Harvey Weinstein but apparently more racist。 Old bigots like him need to be removed from television， perhaps by any means necessary。 。。。more
Abi
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I hope all of us in New Hampshire read this book
Chrissie
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Rebecca Carroll， born in 1969 to a teenage black father and teenage white mother， was adopted by a white married couple， friends to the biological mother。 Raised in New Hampshire in a predominantly white community， she had no sense of her own black identity。 This book follows her in her search for this identity--through her childhood， puberty and sexual awakening， into her thirties。 She had become an author。 Now determined to get married and have a child， she does this very quickly。In coming to Rebecca Carroll， born in 1969 to a teenage black father and teenage white mother， was adopted by a white married couple， friends to the biological mother。 Raised in New Hampshire in a predominantly white community， she had no sense of her own black identity。 This book follows her in her search for this identity--through her childhood， puberty and sexual awakening， into her thirties。 She had become an author。 Now determined to get married and have a child， she does this very quickly。In coming to grips with her biracial background， the fraught relationships with not only her adoptive and biological parents but also teachers， so-called friends and a long string of sexual partners are focused upon。 Rebecca’s liberal， adoptive parents had an "open marriage。" Sexual encounters are many and take up a large portion of the text。 Not just sex， but also clothes and makeup and hairstyles and how pretty， sexy or cool one looks is / was apparently ever so important to Rebecca。 I would say that the book is in a way written for a teenage audience…。to which I do not belong！This autobiographical memoir reads as narrative non-fiction。 There are details and dialogues that simply cannot be remembered—they must be invented。 This book was recently written， when the author was in her fifties。 Does she really remember that her teenage boyfriend smelled of “melon and soap and butter？！” The text reads as fiction！Being autobiographical， the views expressed are the author’s own。 I was uncomfortable with this; on many occasions I could see how one might reason differently。 The author’s opinions do give the reader food for thought， but I do not take what she says as necessarily correct。 Rebecca’s jobs and career get much less attention than her sex life。 There is so much missing！ The author reads her own book。 It is easy to follow， but her tone is flat。 Three stars for the narration。This book was merely OK for me。 。。。more
Cynthia
，
Oooh weeee！ While this book started a bit slow to me and at times I wanted to scream at the author， it is such a raw， organic look into the inner turmoil we contend with when trying to unpack and figure out who the hell we are being in this world。 While many of us have guides along the way during our formative years， Carroll was left to wade through the muck mostly on her own leaving her susceptible to some interesting and toxic characters。 Such a fascinating story！ Would be a great addition to Oooh weeee！ While this book started a bit slow to me and at times I wanted to scream at the author， it is such a raw， organic look into the inner turmoil we contend with when trying to unpack and figure out who the hell we are being in this world。 While many of us have guides along the way during our formative years， Carroll was left to wade through the muck mostly on her own leaving her susceptible to some interesting and toxic characters。 Such a fascinating story！ Would be a great addition to a class on race， identity and culture。 。。。more
Rick
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I don’t know what to think about this book。 According to her， I’d guess I’m not entitled to an opinion。 Everybody she came into contact with—blacks， whites and biracials—handled her blackness in the wrong way， so how could I get it right？
Caroline
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Unputdownable！
May
，
I am so very glad I read this memoir。 It is not an easy read。 It is raw， intense， provoking and often painful。 I was fortunate enough to hear Rebecca speak about this book in a virtual WRITERS ON A NEW ENGLAND STAGE。 That discussion truly enhanced my appreciation for her memoir。
Cat
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How do you recommend a memoir to everyone you know。。。？ Asking for a friend。Rebecca Carroll， like any biracial or mixed child， knew growing up that she was Black， and if not that， certainly racially different from her peers。 But while she was aware she was visibly different from her peers， internally， she was still raised by a white family， had a white birth mother， and by all other metrics， was raised in whiteness （under the White Gaze， at its most stark）。 She constantly， and to different degree How do you recommend a memoir to everyone you know。。。？ Asking for a friend。Rebecca Carroll， like any biracial or mixed child， knew growing up that she was Black， and if not that， certainly racially different from her peers。 But while she was aware she was visibly different from her peers， internally， she was still raised by a white family， had a white birth mother， and by all other metrics， was raised in whiteness （under the White Gaze， at its most stark）。 She constantly， and to different degrees， had to come to terms with not being Black "enough"， not knowing how to connect to her community or heritage， and in that way， still experiencing the discrimination and racism specific to Black women， feeling lost in a society that was systemically racist。 This is a really powerful piece about identity， embracing Blackness as a radical form of self-realization， and reconciling trauma。Personally， this gave me a glimpse into Carroll's life and a generational identity crisis that I had never really heard before （Gen X。。。 why are you so quiet）， but knew was happening。 This may not be the first memoir of its kind， to talk about being biracial and coming to terms with the fraught dissonance of that being （I think Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood is still fairly popular right now which speaks to the poignancy of these accounts）， but it was enlightening， to me。 I grew up in Florida， not the northeast， but I saw a similar state in my schools and communities （implied: like 95% white people） especially in private schools where there was kind of like a culture of compulsory （？） whiteness a lot of mixed and POC kids probably felt obligated to uphold。 I'm on the very front end of Generation Z as someone born in 1997， and although there is definitely something to be said about the alienation of kids who don't fit a structured portrayal of identity in Gen Z （like， look at kids on tiktok， especially the mixed/controversial comment sections of Black and biracial girls literally doing。。。 anything） I feel like it was particularly strong for Gen X and Millennials， who were growing up in a nation immediately after the civil rights movement that half of which considered itself "post-racial"。 More accurately， this was a 4。5 read， but this was really good and probably relevant and relatable to the right person so I want to recommend it and for the sake of visibility it's rounded up。 Audiobook accessed through the libro。fm bookseller program， via my place of work， Oxford Exchange bookstore in Tampa， FL。 。。。more
Laura
，
Title: Surviving the White GazeAuthor: Rebecca CarrollRead by: Rebecca Carroll Publisher: Simon & Shuster AudioLength: Approximately 7 hours and 28 minutes Source: Review Copy from Simon & Shuster Audio。 Thank-you！ Do you have a favorite memoir or autobiography？Rebecca Carroll tells her story in Surviving the White Gaze。 Carroll was adopted and grew up as the only black person in her small New Hampshire town。 She loved her artistic parents and her siblings who were their biological children。 She Title: Surviving the White GazeAuthor: Rebecca CarrollRead by: Rebecca Carroll Publisher: Simon & Shuster AudioLength: Approximately 7 hours and 28 minutes Source: Review Copy from Simon & Shuster Audio。 Thank-you！ Do you have a favorite memoir or autobiography？Rebecca Carroll tells her story in Surviving the White Gaze。 Carroll was adopted and grew up as the only black person in her small New Hampshire town。 She loved her artistic parents and her siblings who were their biological children。 She always felt something was missing especially as she grew older。 She was treated differently as the only black girl in her high school， but she had no black role model or person to relate with。 Carroll meets her biological mother， and they have a tumultuous relationship。 She grows up， goes to college， and tries to find a path forward in life and where she belongs。 Will Rebecca Carroll be able to find her place in the world？I thought this memoir was fascinating， although difficult at times。 I was sad how Carroll was treated by people， in particular her biological mother。 Her adoptive family also had some emotional turmoil as well， which lead to instability in her life。 The most telling part to me was actually towards the end of the memoir。 Carroll and her son were visiting her adoptive parents。 Her son asked why there were no black people anywhere there。 Her adoptive father gave a historical factual answer that did not satisfy them。 He then discussed it with his mother on the way home and asked her if it made her sad that there were no pictures or items of African American art around her parents’ house and no real acknowledgement of her heritage。 It did make her sad。 This really hit home to me and opened my eyes。We all have different experiences in life， and I find it very important to learn about the experiences of others。 It helps me to think about how I can try to make things better in my own little corner of the world， and within my own family。The only negative I had was that it seemed to drag on awhile with boyfriend problems and I wasn’t really interested。 The memoir really hit home when it talked about family issues with her biological parents， adoptive parents， and then her son。 It is her experiences though and she can share what she would like。I enjoyed that the author herself， Rebecca Carroll， narrated the audiobook。 It gave it a person touch。Overall， Surviving the White Gaze was an important look into the racial identify in our world today。This review was first posted on my blog at: https://lauragerold。blogspot。com/2021。。。 。。。more
Someone
，
im just rating this book randomly from the front cover cause' i dont even care。 I didnt read the book yet。 i thought u could read it here， but it seems i cannot。 if any of u know how 2 read books here， then tell me pls。 im just rating this book randomly from the front cover cause' i dont even care。 I didnt read the book yet。 i thought u could read it here， but it seems i cannot。 if any of u know how 2 read books here， then tell me pls。 。。。more
Fran
，
Very relevant to my life as I'm raising black children in a white family/neighborhood， however Rebecca's journey is quite unique as she also has a white birth mother。 IMO， that relationship is where most of the trauma originates， or at least blooms。 I never read the birth mother's book that was referenced - might be eye opening as well。 Very relevant to my life as I'm raising black children in a white family/neighborhood， however Rebecca's journey is quite unique as she also has a white birth mother。 IMO， that relationship is where most of the trauma originates， or at least blooms。 I never read the birth mother's book that was referenced - might be eye opening as well。 。。。more
Marilyn Sue Michel
，
Ms。 Carroll was born into a toxic white family， and did not meet her black biological father for many years。 She was adopted into another toxic white family， and plagued by a free-roaming child molester。 Her adoptive family failed to protect her or their other children at various times。 Her birth mother， Tess， shows clear signs of being sexually traumatized at a young age， but this is not mentioned in Carroll's book。 In addition to these terrible factors， New Hampshire was a very hostile place f Ms。 Carroll was born into a toxic white family， and did not meet her black biological father for many years。 She was adopted into another toxic white family， and plagued by a free-roaming child molester。 Her adoptive family failed to protect her or their other children at various times。 Her birth mother， Tess， shows clear signs of being sexually traumatized at a young age， but this is not mentioned in Carroll's book。 In addition to these terrible factors， New Hampshire was a very hostile place for a young biracial girl to be。 Fortunately she was able to escape and find a new adult family to provide a sense of connection。 This is a good book for anyone planning to have or adopt children to read。 Prospective parents are often intent on their own plans and dismiss the possible concerns of their children， telling themselves "everything will be fine。" Not always。 。。。more
Mary Ahlgren
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Don't know what to say yet。。。。。。 Don't know what to say yet。。。。。。 。。。more
Joanne Mcleod
，
Rebecca’s memoir of growing up a biracial child， appearing black， adopted into not only a white family but an all white community， is very telling and makes me want to read more of her writings。 She had to work hard and suffer much to discover her true roots and family。 In the process she discovers for herself that ‘family’ is much more than genetics and biology， and so is it so much more complex and puzzling than one’s societal and cultural upbringing。 The reader can feel the ups and downs， the Rebecca’s memoir of growing up a biracial child， appearing black， adopted into not only a white family but an all white community， is very telling and makes me want to read more of her writings。 She had to work hard and suffer much to discover her true roots and family。 In the process she discovers for herself that ‘family’ is much more than genetics and biology， and so is it so much more complex and puzzling than one’s societal and cultural upbringing。 The reader can feel the ups and downs， the tumult and chaos， and the heartbreak and the joys of the author’s struggles and journey to discover the person she is。 Not some creation or compilation of the people who birthed or subsequently raised her。 Perhaps this truth holds true for us all - our true spirit and self is deeply buried under the experiences and treatment that our skin colour brings and affords to each of us as unique individuals。 。。。more
Mary Beth
，
In her remarkably， often uncomfortably candid memoir， Carroll thoughtfully considers the toll that growing up as a black adoptee in a white family in a largely white community took on her sense of identity。 The result is an unsettlingly powerful examination of racism in the context of transracial adoption。 The tone is melancholy—this is very much a story about good intentions， particularly unexamined good intentions， being far from enough—but not despairing。 Carroll has a fascinating story to te In her remarkably， often uncomfortably candid memoir， Carroll thoughtfully considers the toll that growing up as a black adoptee in a white family in a largely white community took on her sense of identity。 The result is an unsettlingly powerful examination of racism in the context of transracial adoption。 The tone is melancholy—this is very much a story about good intentions， particularly unexamined good intentions， being far from enough—but not despairing。 Carroll has a fascinating story to tell， compelling through even the darkest passages。 。。。more
Chris Wilby
，
Got to it in the end。 White unconcerned about race but Black have no choice。They wear it。
Sheree Murphy
，
。。。。thoughts coming soon
smalltownbookmom
，
A powerful， heart wrenching， coming of age memoir about race and identity and the challenges of being biracial as one of the only Black people in a rural New Hampshire town。 Adopted by white hippie parents， Rebecca Carroll was born to a white mother and a Black father （who was unknown for most of her life）。 She grows up “being ushered through [her] life via the powerful passport of white privilege，” with little connection to her Black culture。 She does connect with her birth mother in her teens A powerful， heart wrenching， coming of age memoir about race and identity and the challenges of being biracial as one of the only Black people in a rural New Hampshire town。 Adopted by white hippie parents， Rebecca Carroll was born to a white mother and a Black father （who was unknown for most of her life）。 She grows up “being ushered through [her] life via the powerful passport of white privilege，” with little connection to her Black culture。 She does connect with her birth mother in her teens but their relationship is incredibly toxic and damaging。 The real takeaway I felt for this memoir was how damaging the notion of color blindness is: “It wasn’t just that my siblings and parents didn’t see me。 It was that they didn’t see race or think about Blackness - mine or anyone else’s - and I felt like I deserved that at the very least。 To be adopted into a white family that did not see or care or think about my Blackness or my experience navigating a racist country had always felt lonely and isolating， endlessly confusing but now it just felt cruel。” It takes her going to college and finding a Black professor as a mentor and making Black friends to really start to develop a sense of belonging。 I honestly couldn’t get over how toxic and damaging her relationship with her birth mother was。 The dysfunctional family dynamics were reminiscent of Educated or North of normal， with the extra layer of race added to the mix。 This should be required reading and will be a needed eye-opening for many about the power of micro-aggressions and the harmful consequences of unintentional （and intentional） racism。 。。。more
Avnit
，
An intriguing read about racial identity， acceptance， and belonging。
Debbie
，
4。25 stars。Ms。 Carroll writes of being an adopted black child， raised in rural New Hampshire by unconventional white parents。 She also describes her rather toxic relationship with her white biological mother。 The author struggles to find her voice and identity as a black woman in mostly white environments though high school， college and young adulthood。 I found her writing and story to be riveting and I read this memoir with great interest。 This is another important read to help one better under 4。25 stars。Ms。 Carroll writes of being an adopted black child， raised in rural New Hampshire by unconventional white parents。 She also describes her rather toxic relationship with her white biological mother。 The author struggles to find her voice and identity as a black woman in mostly white environments though high school， college and young adulthood。 I found her writing and story to be riveting and I read this memoir with great interest。 This is another important read to help one better understand the pervasiveness of white privilege in our society。 。。。more
Tracy
，
Still unpacking。 Well worth the read。 Rebecca Carroll is open， and makes you sit with the uncomfortable-ness of it all。 This should definitely lead to tons of thought-provoking discussions。
Elisabeth
，
I enjoyed this memoir but there were parts that didn't ring true for me。 It felt superficial at times。 I enjoyed this memoir but there were parts that didn't ring true for me。 It felt superficial at times。 。。。more
Lesa Parnham
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Maybe I can write more later。 As。 for now， Ms。Carroll should practice what she preaches。 I am a white Mom of biracial twins and an Asian child， and boy do I have things to say about this book。。
Lynzo
，
I couldn't stop reading this。。。（tho there were a few days I didn't get around to reading anything） and I was very invested in the narrative and learning about the author's story。 Rebecca Carroll's story of growing up as a biracial Black girl then woman under the white gaze is as good as Roxane Gay promised。 <3 It's a fucked up story （because racism & white supremacy are so fucked up） and the book is beautifully written and keeps you engaged the whole way through。 I will be seeking out her other I couldn't stop reading this。。。（tho there were a few days I didn't get around to reading anything） and I was very invested in the narrative and learning about the author's story。 Rebecca Carroll's story of growing up as a biracial Black girl then woman under the white gaze is as good as Roxane Gay promised。 <3 It's a fucked up story （because racism & white supremacy are so fucked up） and the book is beautifully written and keeps you engaged the whole way through。 I will be seeking out her other work， and she introduced a LOT of other Black female authors that inspired her （time to go find their works too！） 。。。more
Debra Hines
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Interesting， insightful memoir of a biracial child adopted by hippie white parents， who also shares an open adoption relationship with her white biological mother。 This book shows how important it is for black children to form a healthy black identity， and the problems when people believe everyone can be "color blind" and not address issues of race and identity。 Great read that touches on many of the themes of identity in Tatum's book， Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria Interesting， insightful memoir of a biracial child adopted by hippie white parents， who also shares an open adoption relationship with her white biological mother。 This book shows how important it is for black children to form a healthy black identity， and the problems when people believe everyone can be "color blind" and not address issues of race and identity。 Great read that touches on many of the themes of identity in Tatum's book， Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria。 In addition to the issues of race and identity， there's plenty of lessons in bad parenting in this book as well。 Kudos to Rebecca Carroll for emerging whole， articulate， and self assured despite this hot mess of a childhood and young adulthood。 。。。more
Olivia Morris
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Surviving the White Gaze is an exceptionally well written book by Rebecca Carroll。 It opens up thoughts on what it is like to be adopted into a family that doesn't quite fit what you look like。 Great reading for anyone considering interracial adoptions。 Surviving the White Gaze is an exceptionally well written book by Rebecca Carroll。 It opens up thoughts on what it is like to be adopted into a family that doesn't quite fit what you look like。 Great reading for anyone considering interracial adoptions。 。。。more
Uzma
，