Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love
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- Create Date：2021-07-16 07:52:32
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Amir Levine
- ISBN：1529032172
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Summary
Is there a science to love？
In this groundbreaking book， psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S。 F。 Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love。 Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parent/child relationship， but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships-until now。
Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby， who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become。 Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes。
In Attached， Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today。 According to attachment theory， every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
*ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back。
*AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。
*SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving。
Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate （or potential mates） follow。 It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships more wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner。 An insightful look at the science behind love， Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger， more fulfilling connections。
In this groundbreaking book， psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S。 F。 Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love。 Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parent/child relationship， but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships-until now。
Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby， who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become。 Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes。
In Attached， Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today。 According to attachment theory， every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
*ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back。
*AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。
*SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving。
Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate （or potential mates） follow。 It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships more wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner。 An insightful look at the science behind love， Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger， more fulfilling connections。
Reviews
Rachel Winkelman
，
As a person with an anxious attachment style this book was moderately helpful and did have a few ‘Aha！’ moments。 However， it was about 1/3 too long and still managed to say very little about avoidant attachers which seemed odd。 Perhaps it’s a reasonably good intro to attachment styles， but certainly not an exhaustive source。 Also， I’m married so maybe that skewed my perspective a bit as well 🤷🏼♀️
Madison Lawson
，
The book was interesting and gave a lot of explanation about the attachment styles in romantic relationships but it ignores every other aspect。 There’s no examples of non romantic relationships and very little suggestions on how to do better。 It feels more like a collection of stories about what these attachment styles look like。 Which got repetitive， annoying， and unnecessary。 But the suggestions for how to “find and keep love” basically comes down to - “find someone with a secure attachment st The book was interesting and gave a lot of explanation about the attachment styles in romantic relationships but it ignores every other aspect。 There’s no examples of non romantic relationships and very little suggestions on how to do better。 It feels more like a collection of stories about what these attachment styles look like。 Which got repetitive， annoying， and unnecessary。 But the suggestions for how to “find and keep love” basically comes down to - “find someone with a secure attachment style and just don’t do the bad things。” Which isn’t helpful。 The worst thing about the book though is that they make everything an attachment style issue。 There are several examples of a relationship that is clearly abusive but is explained as “the perils of an anxious-avoidant relationship。” I really don’t like how a clear narcissist who is manipulating their partner and emotionally/psychologically abusing them is reduced to an attachment style。 This is honestly dangerous。 It gives people another reason to overlook red flags and abuse。 “Oh that’s just their attachment style， we can work on this。” No。 They’re a toxic person。 Get out。 Theres no examples relationships outside of a heteronormative relationship。 The best they do is say “not all women are anxious styles and not all men are avoidant。” Which is great but also the bare minimum。 I wish the book had more scientific studies and evolutionary explanations etc。 I really didn’t expect to read a book that is basically a bunch of stories of relationships that prove the writers’ discovery of attachment styles。 （Also， that “discovery” is barely explained。 There’s not nearly enough information on the actual science or psychological happenings。） The last two chapters are about sharpening your relationship skills and having more effective communication etc which is great but again， the bare minimum。 Honestly， the authors feel very… sure of themselves。 As if their “discovery” is a mind blowing thing that changes everything。 But basically it’s just communicating well and knowing yourself。 Why are some people avoidant/anxious/secure？ How can you be more secure？ What are some examples in childhood or past toxic relationship that can change or affect an attachment style？ How does this style look in friendships and families？ The anxious-avoidant style is rare but it exists; what does it look like and how can someone with it understand themselves and their relationships？None of those questions are answered。 Basically I was really disappointed in this book and offended in moments。 I don’t recommend。 。。。more
Anna
，
Massively disappointed by this book。 I thought it would be more clinically significant but it turned out to be more of a self help book？ A lot of repetition and way too many examples。 If you know anything about attachment theory I’d pass。
Joe
，
I reccomend this book to people who are stuck in a rut， looking for a partner， or recently had a breakup。 As the title says， Attached can help you find love and， more importantly， KEEP it！ You'll find out your compatibility traits and how to understand each other。 I reccomend this book to people who are stuck in a rut， looking for a partner， or recently had a breakup。 As the title says， Attached can help you find love and， more importantly， KEEP it！ You'll find out your compatibility traits and how to understand each other。 。。。more
Hayley Jade
，
You need to read this。 This book sums up why relationships can and can not work。 A must read。
Hannah
，
3。5/5 - As someone with a primarily secure （formerly anxious） attachment style looking to better understand attachment styles， how they affect us in relationships， and how to recognize them in others， I enjoyed this book and found it educational and easy to read without being too simplistic。 I appreciated the frequent use of examples and tools to help you analyze your own patterns。I do agree with other reviewers that this book was too complimentary of anxiously-attached people at the expense of 3。5/5 - As someone with a primarily secure （formerly anxious） attachment style looking to better understand attachment styles， how they affect us in relationships， and how to recognize them in others， I enjoyed this book and found it educational and easy to read without being too simplistic。 I appreciated the frequent use of examples and tools to help you analyze your own patterns。I do agree with other reviewers that this book was too complimentary of anxiously-attached people at the expense of the avoidant type。 It’s important not to be harsh to your readers of course， but needing constant reassurance and absolving yourself of all responsibility for your own emotional stability in relationships is not healthy and shouldn’t be treated as something that others need to adjust to while you make no effort to work on it。 I agree with the authors that these needs should be communicated to your partner and they should be more sensitive to it; however， I’ve found it most helpful to simply not enter a romantic relationship if I’m not able to maintain emotional stability on my own。 Most people can and should work through attachment issues in therapy rather than expecting someone else to “fix” them。 As a former member of multiple anxious-avoidant relationships， I would really have appreciated more insight into the avoidant type。 This book primarily stated that intimacy makes them uncomfortable and everyone should avoid dating them， which， in addition to not building much understanding， has got to sting if you’re avoidant and reading this。 I liked the list of red flags （what they refer to as “smoking guns”） and the explanation of how some avoidant people are looking for “the one” and expecting the relationship to magically feel different with the right person。 However， I’ve more frequently encountered people who simply said that they weren’t ready for a serious relationship （with me and/or at that time） despite stating that they were looking for that overall and I was hoping to better understand that line of thinking。 It’s worth mentioning that this book is very much based on a binary view of gender and cisgender， heterosexual relationships。 I assume the examples were based on the authors’ actual patients and that’s why there is only one gay couple mentioned; however， hypothetical readers and partners are referred to as “he，” “she，” or “s/he” throughout rather than “they” （or other non-gendered pronouns） and that’s a simple change。 The concepts are applicable regardless of gender， but when striving to write a book that everyone can relate to and learn from， it’s important to use inclusive language。 If you are secure or anxious and can take this book with a grain of salt， I think you’ll find it valuable。 If you’re avoidant， I’m guessing you won’t find this as helpful unless you simply need to be told that your behavior is not ideal for finding the healthy， enjoyable romantic relationship that many people strive for。 。。。more
Rosie P
，
Everyone should read this book。
Sarah
，
Good， basic introduction to attachment theory。
Alex
，
Deeply profound， resonated with so much that is highlighted in the attachment styles and protest behaviours。 Will re-read again！ Highly recommend it for couples who are struggling to find effective way of communicating their needs and for singles who might be intrested in understanding own needs and attachment styles and how they are triggered by relationships in our lives， as well as understanding the attributes of a secure partner。
Lizzy Gunsalus
，
not only did this book change my perspective on relationships in general， this book explained the reality behind the magnetism of toxic relationships。 i feel confident that this book can help point out the red flags before they are even yellow and in the end save many from entering relationships that will not meet their needs。 for anyone wondering why they are also attracting “the wrong person” this is the perfect read for you。
alfred
，
This is great。 Martin finished as I’m going to keep refering back to it for reference…particularly the areas around effective communication and anxious attachment methods so I can keep learning。
Eleanor
，
A lot of the science/content in this book is great。 However， I had a hard time after while staying engaged because often it would repeat information in different ways—this could be helpful to some， but I had a hard time with it。 I also think this book talks about relationships in a very limited scope—cis， white， financially stable， heterosexual and monogamous。 This leaves out many people’s experiences。 Definitely would recommend to people who want to understand attachment theory and their attach A lot of the science/content in this book is great。 However， I had a hard time after while staying engaged because often it would repeat information in different ways—this could be helpful to some， but I had a hard time with it。 I also think this book talks about relationships in a very limited scope—cis， white， financially stable， heterosexual and monogamous。 This leaves out many people’s experiences。 Definitely would recommend to people who want to understand attachment theory and their attachment styles with the caveat that while the science is good and the content is solid， it should be taken with a grain of salt and/or be supplemented with other books that expand on attachment theory。 。。。more
Dorka Berecz
，
Saved my relationship with myself （and ruined my relationship with my ex-partner lol）
Sarah Beth
，
There are few books in my life that as I read them， I feel the trajectory of my life changing。 This is one of those。 Not every self-help book is helpful to every person， but this one read my mail and helped me look at relationships in an entirely new way。 I would highly recommend it to anyone， but especially those who find themselves in the same situation again and again。 There is hope for change！
Carolyn
，
This is the book I recommend to so many of my clients as a therapist。 This book will help you deal with the underlying causes of why you have difficulties with dating/relationships。 The book has a very easy to understand guide to teach us how to be effective communicators。 I have gifted this book， and I highly recommend it to all of you！
Paul Schmidt
，
Main Highlights:- Location 159tSecure， Anxious， and Avoidant。 Basically， secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy， are often preoccupied with their relationships， and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。- Location 166tJust over 50 percent are secure， around 20 percent are anxious， 25 percent are avoidant Main Highlights:- Location 159tSecure， Anxious， and Avoidant。 Basically， secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy， are often preoccupied with their relationships， and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness。- Location 166tJust over 50 percent are secure， around 20 percent are anxious， 25 percent are avoidant， and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into the fourth， less common category （combination anxious and avoidant）。- Location 195tAlthough it’s not impossible for someone to change his or her attachment style—on average， one in four people do so over a four-year period—most people are unaware of the issue， so these changes happen without their ever knowing they have occurred （or why）。- Location 209tIn fact， the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures （parents， children， and romantic partners）。 This mechanism， called the attachment system， consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones。- Location 259tWe taught people how they could use their attachment instincts rather than fight them， in order to not only evade unhappy relationships but also uncover the hidden “pearls” worth cultivating—and it worked！- Location 311tAttachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs。 When their emotional needs are met， and the earlier the better， they usually turn their attention outward。 This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another， the more independent and daring they become。- Location 408tIf we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence， it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness， find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person。 Once you understand this， you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory。- Location 654tLuckily， without even knowing it， most people give away almost all the information you need to determine their attachment style in their natural， day-to-day actions and words。- Location 884tAssess his/her reaction to effective communication。 This is probably one of the most important ways to uncover your partner’s attachment style: Don’t be afraid to express your needs， thoughts， and feelings to your partner！ （See chapter 11 for more on effective communication。） What often happens when we’re dating is that we censor ourselves for different reasons: We don’t want to sound too eager or needy or we believe it’s too soon to raise a certain topic。 However， expressing your needs and true feelings can be a useful litmus test of the other person’s capacity to meet your needs。- Location 1069tThis is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions， you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage。 But shoot from the hip， and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself。- Location 1128tNotice that if you feel unsettled in a relationship situation， all that is required is a minimal reassurance from your partner—one text message in Shauna’s case—to get back on track。 But if you don’t get that reassurance， your worries about the relationship will quadruple， and it will take a lot more than a simple text to calm your attachment system。 This is a very important insight for anyone in a relationship。 The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—and he or she to yours—the less energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later。- Location 1214tRemember， an activated attachment system is not passionate love。 Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious， insecure， and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love！ True love， in the evolutionary sense， means peace of mind。 “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it。- Location 1414tA final word for you—the anxious reader。 There is no one for whom attachment theory has more to offer than men and women with an anxious attachment style。- Location 2039tIn her writing， she points out that we tend to perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many misdemeanors: They wake us up at night， destroy our valuables， and demand our undivided attention， yet we tend to overlook these behaviors and feel positively toward them。 In fact， our connection with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives。 We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure resource within us—we don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us， we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess， we still greet them warmly when we come home （even after a rough day at the office）， and we stick by them no matter what。- Location 2597tOnce your attachment system becomes activated， another interesting phenomenon is triggered: You will get overwhelmed by positive memories of the few good times you had together and forget the multitude of bad experiences。 You’ll recall how sweet he or she was to you the other day when you were distressed and conveniently forget that he or she was the one to hurt you in the first place。 An activated attachment system is immensely powerful。 It is a very important reason why Marsha stayed as long as she did。- Location 2718tEffective communication works to achieve two goals: To choose the right partner。 Effective communication is the quickest， most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs。 Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse。 If the other person shows a sincere wish to understand your needs and put your well-being first， your future together has promise。 If he or she brushes your concerns aside as insignificant， or makes you feel inadequate， foolish， or self-indulgent， you can conclude that this person doesn’t sincerely have your best interests in mind and you are probably incompatible。 To make sure your needs are met in the relationship， whether it is a brand-new one or one of long standing。 By spelling out your needs， you are making it a lot easier for your partner to meet them。 He or she doesn’t need to guess whether something is bothering you—or what that something is。- Location 2726tThe beauty of effective communication is that it allows you to turn a supposed weakness into an asset。 If you need to be reassured a lot that your partner loves you and is attracted to you （at least in the initial phase of a relationship）， instead of trying to conceal this wish because it is not socially acceptable to sound so needy， you state it as a given。 When presented this way， you don’t come off as either weak or needy but as self-confident and assertive。 Of course， effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot， but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked， criticized， or blamed。- Location 2845tBut at least until you feel completely comfortable using effective communication， we suggest following this basic rule of thumb: If you are anxious—turn to effective communication when you feel you are starting to resort to protest behavior。 When something your partner has said or done （or refrained from saying or doing） has activated your attachment system to the point where you feel you’re on the verge of acting out—by not answering his or her calls， threatening to leave， or engaging in any other form of protest behavior—stop yourself。 Then figure out what your real needs are and use effective communication instead。 But only after you’ve thoroughly calmed down （which for someone anxious can sometimes take a day or two）。 If you are avoidant—the surefire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt。 Use effective communication to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to him or her。 Suggest a few alternatives， making sure that the other person’s needs are taken care of。 By doing so， you’re more likely to get the breathing space you need。- Location 2865tTHE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: Wear your heart on your sleeve。 Focus on your needs。 Be specific。 Don’t blame。 Be assertive and nonapologetic。- Location 2905tCOMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY 101 - Once you get the hang of it and experience the positive effect it has on your life， using effective communication will become second nature。- Location 2986tFive Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being。 Maintain focus on the problem at hand。 Refrain from generalizing the conflict。 Be willing to engage。 Effectively communicate feelings and needs。- Location 3003tWe often view conflict as a zero-sum game: either you get your way or I get mine。 But attachment theory shows us that our happiness is actually dependent on our mate’s and vice versa。 The two are inextricable。- Location 3075tBy forgoing closeness with our partners， we are also missing our oxytocin boost—making us less agreeable to the world around us and more vulnerable to conflict。 The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again。 This small act might be enough to immunize your relationship against conflict for the next few days。- Location 3128tTry to keep a number of truths in mind when you are in the midst of a fight: A single fight is not a relationship breaker。 Express your fears！ Don’t let them dictate your actions。 If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you， say so。 Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood。 It is most likely not because of you。 Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs。 Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking。 If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind， s/he doesn’t know！ Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means。 When in doubt， ask。- Location 3134tA general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations。 In fact， expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy。- Location 3264tFor us， the most important take-home message from this book is that relationships should not be left to chance。 Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences， above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer。- Location 3283tThe first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy。- Location 3290tThe second common misconception we fell victim to is that marriage is the be-all and end-all。- Location 3295tIn this book， however， we’ve shown how mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage， even for people who love each other greatly。- Location 3299tThe third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility。- Location 3306tAgain， we must constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership， both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being。- Location 3318tDon’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate。 You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup。 A relationship， from an attachment perspective， should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind。 If it doesn’t， this is a wake-up call！ And above all， remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness， be it with your current partner or with someone else。 。。。more
Annika Mukherjee
，
interesting stuff but not nuanced at all and super heteronormative /reductive
Hanna Pioske
，
“Once we choose a partner， there is no question about whether dependency exists or not。 It always does。 An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology。”Say it louder！！ The TikTokers are right about this one unfortunately， everyone should read it。
Danielle
，
Outstanding， interesting， what everyone needs to learn about for their lives。 One star off simply because of the lack of diversity in the couples used in example。 All heterosexual couples。 I am aware the research for attachment theory is limited here as well。 But just room for growth。 But groundbreaking book。 I use it in my life and refer to clients。
Norena McMeel
，
32% done at this point and I beleieve everyone would benefit from this book。A well written guide to understanding attachment theory through the lense of self understanding，relationship with others and relateable examples。 I am recommending this to everyone。
Christen Angermeier
，
Great information about trying to train yourself into secure attachment
Lecy Beth
，
This was more of a workbook geared toward those who are interested in learning the ins and outs of all of the attachment styles than it was a book made to learn about what attachment style you had。 I did learn some interesting things about people， in general， but couldn't apply much of it to my own experience。 There were a lot of graphs， charts， and quizzes to work through after reading different case studies， and I was surprised to see a few sections where the reader was asked to identify the a This was more of a workbook geared toward those who are interested in learning the ins and outs of all of the attachment styles than it was a book made to learn about what attachment style you had。 I did learn some interesting things about people， in general， but couldn't apply much of it to my own experience。 There were a lot of graphs， charts， and quizzes to work through after reading different case studies， and I was surprised to see a few sections where the reader was asked to identify the attachment style of the person featured in that particular section。 I feel like I would have learned more about myself by taking a quiz， much like those personality-type quizzes， and getting a personal assessment with responses that applied to me。 。。。more
Anushree
，
This book talks about attachment patterns in a relationship。 As the label indicates on the cover， it talks about the 3 attachment patterns in detail。 The book gives you an overview of what attachment patterns are， it talks about how they play in relationship。 The book comes across as preachy where a very strong opinion about how anxious-avoidant relationship won't work and people with anxious attachment patterns should find someone with secure attachment。 It felt like they are potraying the avoi This book talks about attachment patterns in a relationship。 As the label indicates on the cover， it talks about the 3 attachment patterns in detail。 The book gives you an overview of what attachment patterns are， it talks about how they play in relationship。 The book comes across as preachy where a very strong opinion about how anxious-avoidant relationship won't work and people with anxious attachment patterns should find someone with secure attachment。 It felt like they are potraying the avoidant attachment style in a negative light。 Though later they did speak about how to make an Anxious-avoidant relationship work。 The book has a narrative about this is your attachment pattern， these are the tips。 There is not much said about how the attachment patterns are developed。 The idea that come across is that these attachment patterns are set in stone。 Which is not true。 Attachment patterns are ever evolving and people can heal their attachment wounds。 Since the book doesn't talk about healing attachment wounds， I wonder for how long these techniques would be useful。 The book towards the end covers disorganized attachment patterns briefly， this just lists the traits of disorganized attachment pattern。 Even here the origin and the cause of it is not discussed。Other thing this book mainly speaks about Cis gender Heterosexual couples only。 There is no diversity in that。 The book doesn't entails the societal factors and how it could affect one's relationship。 As the cases discussed the only thing the book says about the couples is their name and age but no information on their religion， race etc。 I would then take it one step ahead and say it came across as the book spoke about white cis het couples。 Even if the book had diverse cis het couples， there is no mention of any systems operating on the relationship。 If you decide to read this book， I hope you keep these points in mind。 This book could be one of the books one read about attachment patterns but shouldn't be the only book。 And yes it's hyped way too much than what it actually offers。 。。。more
Kacie McGoldrick
，
A well articulated， basic description of attachment styles。 I think if I hadn’t studied attachment， I would have found this book more beneficial。 I did gain knowledge from reflecting more intimately on my attachment style and especially appreciated the parts of the book where they give you practical information regarding how your attachment style may impact relationships and how to navigate/change it。 Lots of helpful lists of “dos and donts” as well。
Heaven Protsman
，
This book was very informative， but really only for people with an anxious attachment style。 I am this kind of person， so for me personally， I found this book to be very fascinating and insightful， and for that I rate it 5/5。 If you know that you are not an anxiously attached type of person， this might not be the most helpful for you。
Toffy
，
An interesting and informative read on the theory of attachments in relationships and how certain attachment styles manifest and what they look like。 It's probably best to read if you're curious about your attachment style （and you can probably skim the other ones） and/or if you have some past relationships you can refer back to analyze yourself。 It has lots of examples and stories， so those who like anecdotes and concrete examples will enjoy this。 I did sometimes find the examples to be too muc An interesting and informative read on the theory of attachments in relationships and how certain attachment styles manifest and what they look like。 It's probably best to read if you're curious about your attachment style （and you can probably skim the other ones） and/or if you have some past relationships you can refer back to analyze yourself。 It has lots of examples and stories， so those who like anecdotes and concrete examples will enjoy this。 I did sometimes find the examples to be too much， but that's when I just skimmed。 I also found it interesting to understand why people stay together when they know it's not working or they need to end it。Biggest takeaways:- Not everyone is capable of the same level of intimacy- A relationship should make you feel more self-confident- Be honest and communicate clearly from the beginning- Anxious and avoidant is a no go 。。。more
Linds
，
Struggled about giving this 2 or 3 stars。 Sure， I get how the basic premise is helpful and this book helps give you language to talk about attachment styles， but it was already feeling pretty redundant 50 pages in。 Also， it really plays favorites within the three attachment styles and doesn't really give any sort of thought the the idea that a person could switch attachment styles in the short-term due to outside factors and daily stressors。 Completely vilifies avoidant attachment styles and at Struggled about giving this 2 or 3 stars。 Sure， I get how the basic premise is helpful and this book helps give you language to talk about attachment styles， but it was already feeling pretty redundant 50 pages in。 Also， it really plays favorites within the three attachment styles and doesn't really give any sort of thought the the idea that a person could switch attachment styles in the short-term due to outside factors and daily stressors。 Completely vilifies avoidant attachment styles and at one point even argues that they mostly ruin the dating pool for anyone trying to be in what the writers consider a healthy relationship。 Really seems to cater to anxious attachment styles。。。 potentially by feeding into the anxious nature of folks with that attachment style？ Meh。 。。。more
christina
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Quite a disappointment。Having read this for a friend whom we'll call "Pristina"， I noticed quite quickly that Attached is heavily biased against Avoidants （as many other reviewers have pointed out）， wholly sympathetic to those who are Anxious， seem to revere those who are Secure， and do very little to actually help any of these attachment styles to become more secure themselves。 Why is this problematic。 Yes， it's tragic that those who are Anxious came from a family with whom were inconsistent in Quite a disappointment。Having read this for a friend whom we'll call "Pristina"， I noticed quite quickly that Attached is heavily biased against Avoidants （as many other reviewers have pointed out）， wholly sympathetic to those who are Anxious， seem to revere those who are Secure， and do very little to actually help any of these attachment styles to become more secure themselves。 Why is this problematic。 Yes， it's tragic that those who are Anxious came from a family with whom were inconsistent in their care and love but it's no less tragic than a child who grows up to be dismissive or fearful avoidant due to neglect， narcissistic parenting， or a parent（s） suffering from addiction（s）。 The point shouldn't be only about sympathesising （only the Anxious style） but also about the fact that trauma can be unlearned through self and personal growth。 Okay， so I admit there is a section that does somewhat talk about how to unlearn trauma by learning to be more Secure but the way they advise to be more Secure is， I think， highly toxic and immature -- get together with someone who is Secure。 Basically， if you're a big trauma-mess， find someone to fix you。 That's terrible advice。 Other niggles:- Too many anecdotes that seem far-fetched and placate too much to romantic tropes。 As these stories don't have any citations， it's hard to take these scenarios as anything other than imperfect examples。 This way of defining the problem by way of pretending that a story can speak to human experience is a false equivalence fallacy and therefore， to put it bluntly， is ludicrous。 - No direct citations。 Few listed works in the bibliography。 Attachment Theory was not in its infancy when this book was written so I'm at a loss as to why the authors found it not useful to use the research as part and parcel to their arguments。- Not all Secures come from Happy Families。 Some do the work， the hard Shadow work， the hard work of unlearning their triggers and fears， of being opened to rejection through vulnerability。 Let's celebrate those people and not just assume you have to have a stable， loving environment in order to be secure。- Let's also remind ourselves that even those who are Secure aren't perfect; yes， they too may present as Anxious or Avoidant in times of stress， vulnerability， grief and that doesn't make them weak or a failure。I can see why this book is so popular， because it validates a certain segment of society but I'm disappointed that the work falls so far behind the research and the other 75% of the population。Sorry， Pristina。 。。。more
Danny Tseng
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Great introduction to Attachment Theory with clear explanation between what a secure person is like and traits of the two types of insecure behavior， anxious and avoidant。 Sheds light on unsavory pairings between types such as the Anxious and Avoidant mix。 Although I scored high on the secure spectrum and anxious， I realized I exhibit traits within the avoidant spectrum in various conditions。 This disparity was what I wish the book could have expanded more on。
Julia
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