Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst: Practical Compassion in Parenting
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- Create Date：2021-07-15 08:54:33
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Kim John Payne
- ISBN：1611808669
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Summary
A practical， meditative approach that can be used in the moment to help you stay calm and balanced when your child's behavior is pushing you to your limit--by the popular author ofSimplicity Parenting。
When children are at their most difficult and challenging situations arise， how can we react in a way that reflects our family values and expectations？ Often， when children “push our buttons，” we find ourselves reacting in ways that are far from our principles， often further inflaming a situation。
When our children are at their worst， they need us to be at our best—or as close to it as we can be。 Educator and family counselor Kim John Payne， author of Simplicity Parenting， offers techniques that simply and directly shift these damaging patterns in communication and parental behavior。 These grounded and practical strategies will help you:
• Slow down the interaction
• Be more in control of your reactions
• Open up a much wider range of helpful responses
• Sense what your child’s deeper needs are even though they are misbehaving
• Respond in a way that gives your child a feeling of being heard and still puts a boundary in place
Payne’s meditative approach can be done anywhere， anytime; it lifts you out of old， unwanted patterns of action-reaction and prepares you so that the voice you speak with is closer to the parent you want to be。 His concrete and simple techniques can help you， and your children， be at your best， even in the most challenging of times。
When children are at their most difficult and challenging situations arise， how can we react in a way that reflects our family values and expectations？ Often， when children “push our buttons，” we find ourselves reacting in ways that are far from our principles， often further inflaming a situation。
When our children are at their worst， they need us to be at our best—or as close to it as we can be。 Educator and family counselor Kim John Payne， author of Simplicity Parenting， offers techniques that simply and directly shift these damaging patterns in communication and parental behavior。 These grounded and practical strategies will help you:
• Slow down the interaction
• Be more in control of your reactions
• Open up a much wider range of helpful responses
• Sense what your child’s deeper needs are even though they are misbehaving
• Respond in a way that gives your child a feeling of being heard and still puts a boundary in place
Payne’s meditative approach can be done anywhere， anytime; it lifts you out of old， unwanted patterns of action-reaction and prepares you so that the voice you speak with is closer to the parent you want to be。 His concrete and simple techniques can help you， and your children， be at your best， even in the most challenging of times。
Reviews
Rhonda Gant
，
I absolutely love "The Soul of Discipline" and "Simplicity Parenting。" However， I did not find this book as helpful and inspiring as those two books。 I appreciated the idea of looking at your parenting from a balcony and trying to see the bigger picture。 I really admire the author's wise and gentle spirit。 I absolutely love "The Soul of Discipline" and "Simplicity Parenting。" However， I did not find this book as helpful and inspiring as those two books。 I appreciated the idea of looking at your parenting from a balcony and trying to see the bigger picture。 I really admire the author's wise and gentle spirit。 。。。more
Kathleen
，
Wish I'd read this long ago but it applies to many other relationships too。。。。。 Wish I'd read this long ago but it applies to many other relationships too。。。。。 。。。more
Becky Rowan
，
I found the book to have some helpful insights but ultimately I found it to be too dry maybe？ Too repetitive？ Admittedly， non-fiction is not my go-to genre so this review is skewed to reflect that。 I think even reading half the book would provide helpful insight to any parents looking to be less reactive when dealing stressful situations involving their children。
Samantha W。
，
I enjoyed the first part of this book， and the different explanations of parenting styles and types。 I also liked that he gave tips on how to be kinder to yourself （as the parent） and how to be more engaged and in tune with your child。 I think that these are both important aspects of parenting。 He was very spot on about our own baggage as a parent， what we bring from our childhood that affects our parenting abilities sometimes， unconsciously。 I would recommend this book to parents who are just k I enjoyed the first part of this book， and the different explanations of parenting styles and types。 I also liked that he gave tips on how to be kinder to yourself （as the parent） and how to be more engaged and in tune with your child。 I think that these are both important aspects of parenting。 He was very spot on about our own baggage as a parent， what we bring from our childhood that affects our parenting abilities sometimes， unconsciously。 I would recommend this book to parents who are just kind of venturing into this deeper， more mindful level of parenting。 I think for myself， I've taken a mindfulness class as well as gone to therapy to overcome and work through some of my reactive responses/triggers， and that's why I am giving the book a 4 instead of a 5。 It was also a little repetitive to me because I've worked on a lot of what he brings in the book。 I think that if you've not done that internal work before reading this book that this would've definitely been a 5 star read for me。 。。。more
Rosa Davis
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2。5 rounded up to 3This got to be very repetitive。 The gist I got was don't lose your shit at your kids and learn coping mechanisms to not let things get out of hand。 2。5 rounded up to 3This got to be very repetitive。 The gist I got was don't lose your shit at your kids and learn coping mechanisms to not let things get out of hand。 。。。more
Cate
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Uplifting and encouraging with lots of helpful tips for living the life I really want for me and my family。 I'll be working on my Compassionate Response Practice。 Uplifting and encouraging with lots of helpful tips for living the life I really want for me and my family。 I'll be working on my Compassionate Response Practice。 。。。more
Katie
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Four stars for the method and ideas presented。 Three stars for the writing style， which was hard to get through with all the non-related examples。 Rather than focus on the child and possible "problem behaviors，" much of this book focused on the inner work of parents needed to keep centered and calm in moments of conflict。 This was a refreshing perspective on what we can actually control to change in our family。 The parenting perspective here aligns with the work of Janet Lansbury and RIE， howeve Four stars for the method and ideas presented。 Three stars for the writing style， which was hard to get through with all the non-related examples。 Rather than focus on the child and possible "problem behaviors，" much of this book focused on the inner work of parents needed to keep centered and calm in moments of conflict。 This was a refreshing perspective on what we can actually control to change in our family。 The parenting perspective here aligns with the work of Janet Lansbury and RIE， however Payne outlines a practice that will help parents become that centered and strong leader to ground our children。 I definitely recommend this practice to all parents who are struggling or need a little bit of encouragement in their parenting lives。 As for the book， skim it and focus in on Part II。 。。。more
Megan S
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For the other of “simplicity parenting”， this volume could use some simplifying。 The changing fonts were annoying， the layout was frustrating （explaining why this Compassion Response is amazing before explaining the response itself）， and there was just too much fluff to mine through to get at the good stuff。 Giving it 2 stars because there is gold here， just very well hidden and often in need of translation from woo woo to practical。 The basics of slowing down difficult interactions， meditating For the other of “simplicity parenting”， this volume could use some simplifying。 The changing fonts were annoying， the layout was frustrating （explaining why this Compassion Response is amazing before explaining the response itself）， and there was just too much fluff to mine through to get at the good stuff。 Giving it 2 stars because there is gold here， just very well hidden and often in need of translation from woo woo to practical。 The basics of slowing down difficult interactions， meditating and working on your own emotions to better deal with your reactions to your child， and practicing compassion for the disoriented （never disobedient） child are really all you need。 That simple。 And actually， thats all on the back of the book！ 。。。more
Erin
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DNF。 I just couldn't get into this one despite multiple tries。 DNF。 I just couldn't get into this one despite multiple tries。 。。。more
Meredith
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This parenting guide teaches a visualization and breathing technique （"the Compassionate Response"） to help parents master emotional self-regulation when dealing with misbehaving children。“Cultivating the ability to stay centered when our children are losing it is just as sacred and special as the lovely and fun times。” （page 173）Visualization isn't something that works for me， but this book does contain a lot of good information and things to think about。 One of the best pieces of advice is to This parenting guide teaches a visualization and breathing technique （"the Compassionate Response"） to help parents master emotional self-regulation when dealing with misbehaving children。“Cultivating the ability to stay centered when our children are losing it is just as sacred and special as the lovely and fun times。” （page 173）Visualization isn't something that works for me， but this book does contain a lot of good information and things to think about。 One of the best pieces of advice is to think of a "disobedient" child as "disoriented。" Thinking of a child as distressed instead of a defiant changes how one will respond to that child especially during heated moments。Among other things， the author teaches parents to identify their triggers， so that they can circuit break their angry reactions before they lose emotional control。 If you are using the author's technique， it is at this point that the compassionate response practice （pages 115 — 148） that kicks in and provides a better emotional response。 But if you're not， then you can pause momentarily in order to regain self-control and provide a better response than would have resulted from emotional autopilot。 This would also be a good time to try the Super Nanny Jo Frost's S。O。S。 technique， which is 1） step out， 2） observe， and 3） step back in。The author cautions against "enmeshment" where the parent overlays his/her own experience over the child's as the result of a "stress-regress" or "backward-biography" response， which prevents the parent from actually trying to understand what the child's experience is。 （pages 42 — 45） The author emphasizes the importance of keeping one's own experience at a distance in order to get a clear picture of what is happening in regard to one's child because the child's lived experience is unique to him/her。 Another good point the author discusses is that children acting out are pushing boundaries in order to find stability， so when a parent gives in， it creates a leadership vacuum into which the child falls。 This lack of support and adult leadership heightens the child’s distress and creates new problems。 He describes this behavior as “pinging，” （pages 50 — 53） and it is a sign that a “disoriented” child is in need of support。There is an explanation of child-centered versus value-centered families （pages 180 — 185）， which is basically parenting where the child sets with rules based on his/her needs and wants versus parenting where the adults set the rules based on their values。 Of course， the author is in favor of values-centered parenting and not letting a child run the show with his/her self-centers desires and lack of worldly experience。 He touches upon how to deflect the Influences of extended family， friends， and other weirdos （pages 186 — 190）， but I wish he would have gone more in-depth in what to when others in one’s social circle refuse to respect the way in which one chooses to raise his/her children especially if members of the peanut gallery thinks one is being “too strict” and no “fun。” My husband and I encounter this all time， so some guidance beyond ‘be firm but calm’ would have been welcome。 The author gives some practical advice like reducing and limiting the number of things in a child's room and the number of activities in a child's life in order to prevent the child from becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated， which increases the likelihood of bad behavior， which in turn provokes negative emotional responses in parents。 He is a big proponent of limiting screen time and digital interactions。 He explains the importance of helping children form relationships to 1） nature， 2） family， 3） friends， and 4） self。 （pages 60 — 67）There is a history of parenting styles listed in chronological order （page 36 — 41）， which I found interesting。 These are:* Blind Obedience （Pre-1960s）* The Transitional Years （1946 -- 1969）* Freestyling （1970s）* Parents Become "The Management" （1990s）* Raised on Praise （2000 -- Present）* Explaining a Kid into Submission （2005 -- Present）I had to laugh at the phrase explaining children into submission because I am definitely guilty of doing that。 This is partly because I was raised by adults who never offered explanations and expected blind obedience and partly because I think that if children know the reasons behind the rules/requests， they will be more likely to do things since they understand the rationale behind them。 I also don't want my children to think I'm arbitrarily ordering them around simply because I have the power to。 。。。more
Stephanie
，
Kim John Payne is， basically， my parenting guru。 His book Simplicity Parenting radically changed how my husband and I view our role as parents and how we do life as a family。 Needless to say， I was SUPER excited to hear he had a new book coming out and immediately put a hold on it at the library。 As the mom of a feisty 3 year old who had recently started having meltdowns of epic proportions， the title （"Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst"） spoke to me and I went into this read Kim John Payne is， basically， my parenting guru。 His book Simplicity Parenting radically changed how my husband and I view our role as parents and how we do life as a family。 Needless to say， I was SUPER excited to hear he had a new book coming out and immediately put a hold on it at the library。 As the mom of a feisty 3 year old who had recently started having meltdowns of epic proportions， the title （"Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst"） spoke to me and I went into this read certain it was going to be a gamer changer。 I don't want to say that I was disappointed with it because that's not true 。。。 it was a good book; interesting and thought-provoking。 It just wasn't quite what I was expecting。 It has a heavy focus on mindfulness and introspection， and I was hoping for something that was a little more hands-on practical。 。。。more
tinythunder
，
I ordered this from the library based on the title。 It wasn’t what I expected; he lays out a “compassionate response practice”， which is sort of a visualization type of meditation combined with self-compassion。 Whether or not it works remains to be seen， but any time you focus on meditation， mindfulness and self-compassion it’s going to benefit your parenting。I suppose I might have been expecting more of a Whole Brain Child approach， with scientific explanations and practical instructions/phrase I ordered this from the library based on the title。 It wasn’t what I expected; he lays out a “compassionate response practice”， which is sort of a visualization type of meditation combined with self-compassion。 Whether or not it works remains to be seen， but any time you focus on meditation， mindfulness and self-compassion it’s going to benefit your parenting。I suppose I might have been expecting more of a Whole Brain Child approach， with scientific explanations and practical instructions/phrases （“connect and redirect”）。 This is not that。I’ve read his Simplicity Parenting， which I didn’t care for and found obvious/common sense advice。 Perhaps that’s what caught me so off guard - this is definitely an unconventional approach。 Whole Brain Child remains my most highly recommended parenting book， so read that first。 。。。more
Ellen Beckham
，
I think Kim John Payne's advice in this book is deceptively simple but nonetheless very helpful， especially as a person who thinks most clearly with visual images which Payne leads you to think up your own to keep perspective in moments of heat with your children。 It's now on my husband's list of books to read as he enjoyed hearing me reminisce about it as I read it。 I think Kim John Payne's advice in this book is deceptively simple but nonetheless very helpful， especially as a person who thinks most clearly with visual images which Payne leads you to think up your own to keep perspective in moments of heat with your children。 It's now on my husband's list of books to read as he enjoyed hearing me reminisce about it as I read it。 。。。more
Kiersti Baxter
，
This book helped me find me zen。 Before this book， I found myself disciplining my son in ways that left me regretting my actions at the end of the day。 This book has changed me。 I now discipline my son in a calm and orderly way。 I cannot remember the last day that I regret。 Even once I had finished reading the compassionate response practice chapters， I encountered more and more enlightenment and things that clicked in regards to parenting。 For example， the author explains that you have unlimite This book helped me find me zen。 Before this book， I found myself disciplining my son in ways that left me regretting my actions at the end of the day。 This book has changed me。 I now discipline my son in a calm and orderly way。 I cannot remember the last day that I regret。 Even once I had finished reading the compassionate response practice chapters， I encountered more and more enlightenment and things that clicked in regards to parenting。 For example， the author explains that you have unlimited compassion when your kid is sick with a fever。 You hold them close and cuddle them。 You can use this same approach for an emotionally fevered kid by using "strong heart arms。" Part One seems to heavily lean on the idea that you have unresolved issues from your childhood。 I know that the parenting techniques I was using that made me regretful were not the techniques my parents used。 I do not believe my past was the cause of my issues。 All in all， I plan on lending this to friends so they can read it as well， but I want it back in case I want to reference it！ 。。。more
Ingrid
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Inspiring， but lacking in much practical help。
Kathryn
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Between raising kids and teaching elementary kiddos， challenging moments are not uncommon。 This was a fantastic read geared largely toward adults - understanding how you were raised influences current parental approaches， strategies to emotionally regulate in heated moments and more！ A fast read chock filled with some brilliant nuggets of wisdom - a must for those raising kids， planning to raise kids or working with children！
Candice Cleniuk
，
"Acknowledging and understanding that our children are disoriented rather than disobedient when they act out helps us embrace a more accepting attitude。" "Acknowledging and understanding that our children are disoriented rather than disobedient when they act out helps us embrace a more accepting attitude。" 。。。more
Sarah
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I loved a lot of this book！ There were some areas where my ideals didn’t align with the author’s， but that didn’t bother me。 Overall， a very helpful tool for parenting， and honestly， relationships in general。
Kelly
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Helpful information。 Well explained strategies and examples。
Dorothy
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This is an excellent parenting book for parents who often find themselves， "losing it！" I might have to actually purchase this book for future references。 :） This is an excellent parenting book for parents who often find themselves， "losing it！" I might have to actually purchase this book for future references。 :） 。。。more
Joanna
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Skimmed this and it wasn't for me。 I really like how Payne emphasizes simplicity， parental authority， being values-centered instead of child-centered， and not being swayed by trends or what other parents are doing， but this book only briefly touches on those。 Instead， it's more of a mindfulness exercise for parents。 Skimmed this and it wasn't for me。 I really like how Payne emphasizes simplicity， parental authority， being values-centered instead of child-centered， and not being swayed by trends or what other parents are doing， but this book only briefly touches on those。 Instead， it's more of a mindfulness exercise for parents。 。。。more
Teresa
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There is a lot of wisdom here。 Great read。
Jo
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A very practical handbook about how to deal on challenging situations where children need the best of us。 Kim provide real life examples with strong advices and recommendations。 Excellent book！#BeingAtYourBestWhenYourKidsAreAtTheirWorst #NetGalley
Dara （Dara Reads OK）
，
ARC/NetgalleyI thought the first part of this book was great with a lot of very helpful concrete tips for those of us in the full swing of parenting older children。 Reading the book was worth it for the first third and I took several notes that I think I'll find very valuable。 The rest of the book goes into the compassionate response meditative practice。 I find mindfulness and meditation very useful but found this section to be clunky and drawn out。 The lengthy practice does not seem incredibly ARC/NetgalleyI thought the first part of this book was great with a lot of very helpful concrete tips for those of us in the full swing of parenting older children。 Reading the book was worth it for the first third and I took several notes that I think I'll find very valuable。 The rest of the book goes into the compassionate response meditative practice。 I find mindfulness and meditation very useful but found this section to be clunky and drawn out。 The lengthy practice does not seem incredibly practical for most busy parents。 Still worth a read as I am sure parents can adapt a shorter practice that works for their lives。 。。。more
Csimplot Simplot
，
Excellent book！！！
Genevieve Trono
，