Nonfiction

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

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  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-07-08 09:55:19
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Megan Devine
  • ISBN：1622039076
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Summary

When a painful loss or life-shattering event upends your world， here is the first thing to know: there is nothing wrong with grief。 “Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form，” says Megan Devine。 “It is a natural and sane response to loss。” So why does our culture treat grief like a disease to be cured as quickly as possible？

In It’s OK That You’re Not OK， Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we try to help others who have endured tragedy。 Having experienced grief from both sides—as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner—Devine writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss， love， and healing。 She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal， “happy” life， replacing it with a far healthier middle path， one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it。 In this compelling and heartful book， you’ll learn

• Why well-meaning advice， therapy， and spiritual wisdom so often end up making it harder for people in grief
• How challenging the myths of grief—doing away with stages， timetables， and unrealistic ideals about how grief should unfold—allows us to accept grief as a mystery to be honored instead of a problem to solve
• Practical guidance for managing stress， improving sleep， and decreasing anxiety without trying to “fix” your pain
• How to help the people you love—with essays to teach us the best skills， checklists， and suggestions for supporting and comforting others through the grieving process

Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged， dismissed， and misunderstood by a culture that wants to “solve” grief。 Devine writes， “Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution。” Through stories， research， life tips， and creative and mindfulness-based practices， she offers a unique guide through an experience we all must face—in our personal lives， in the lives of those we love， and in the wider world。

It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a book for grieving people， those who love them， and all those seeking to love themselves—and each other—better。

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Reviews

Dianne Dougherty ，

Comfort and support in the truth！Three years after the sudden death of my 19 year-old grandson， I read this book。 Thankfully Megan Devine wrote it。 As a practicing therapist myself， I had struggled with conventional grief therapy protocols and "recovery groups" as being less than helpful to most patients， and certainly did not address my needs in the grieving that I was experiencing。 This new and loving perspective Devine presents offers the reader a more supportive and hopeful way to live in th Comfort and support in the truth！Three years after the sudden death of my 19 year-old grandson， I read this book。 Thankfully Megan Devine wrote it。 As a practicing therapist myself， I had struggled with conventional grief therapy protocols and "recovery groups" as being less than helpful to most patients， and certainly did not address my needs in the grieving that I was experiencing。 This new and loving perspective Devine presents offers the reader a more supportive and hopeful way to live in the grief and pain we are feeling。 。。。more

Donna C ，

This book helped me overcome society's views on grief。 It really is okay to not be okay。 ❤💞 This book helped me overcome society's views on grief。 It really is okay to not be okay。 ❤💞 。。。more

Vjera ，

Practical guidance for dealing with grief。 There’s a handout to give to those who say “let me know how I can help” which was very helpful。

Danielle ，

Absolutely incredible。 So many things I want to say about this book。 Devine speaks to grievers in a way that is so understandable and helps to make the loss you are living manageable in ways I didn't know where possible。 We are a culture that doesn't handle or understand grief and we need to be talking about it。 Grief sucks， losing someone sucks and this book helps you to not feel crazy and helps get the words out for how you want to express yourself during this horrific time。 I wish I would hav Absolutely incredible。 So many things I want to say about this book。 Devine speaks to grievers in a way that is so understandable and helps to make the loss you are living manageable in ways I didn't know where possible。 We are a culture that doesn't handle or understand grief and we need to be talking about it。 Grief sucks， losing someone sucks and this book helps you to not feel crazy and helps get the words out for how you want to express yourself during this horrific time。 I wish I would have read this years ago to better help my friends who have dealt with loss and to better equip myself with the inevitable loss we will all face。 Ill never stop missing my dad， but now I can handle my grief a bit better and be vocal about what I need。 Forever grateful for this book。 。。。more

Sarah Alderbas ，

One of the most comforting books i have read。 The book offers you a shoulder to cry on or lean on。 Yes， it has alot of great things about what grief is and isn’t but i also found it to offer a safe space to grieve with very comforting words。 I am so grateful to have had read this book during my grief journey。

Anastasia ，

DRAFT review: I looked it up and yes， "companion" is actually a verb。 But I've never in my life heard anyone use is that way until I listened to this audiobook and it grated on my ears every time she said it。 I would so have preferred to hear "accompanied。"Now that I've got that out of the way， I can write about the actual book。 I highly recommend this book to validate anyone's experience of grief and DRAFT review: I looked it up and yes， "companion" is actually a verb。 But I've never in my life heard anyone use is that way until I listened to this audiobook and it grated on my ears every time she said it。 I would so have preferred to hear "accompanied。"Now that I've got that out of the way， I can write about the actual book。 I highly recommend this book to validate anyone's experience of grief and 。。。more

Amanda ，

I hope you don’t need this book。 But if you do， it’s a comfort。

Jennifer ，

Great practical advice for those experiencing firsthand grief and a new way of looking at grief instead of trying to "fix it" Great practical advice for those experiencing firsthand grief and a new way of looking at grief instead of trying to "fix it" 。。。more

Eric ，

So practical， gracious， realistic， and accommodating。

April ，

If you are looking for a book on grief， I am so very sorry you need one。 However， I think you found a good one。 This book has to be the most realistic thing I have read on grief。I lost my father unexpectedly in March 2021。 Just over three months in， and my world is upside down。 I saw this book mentioned on Instagram and thought I didn’t need it， that I didn’t need a book to tell me what I am feeling is normal。 I am so glad I was WRONG。 I finally decided to get a copy， and from the very first pag If you are looking for a book on grief， I am so very sorry you need one。 However， I think you found a good one。 This book has to be the most realistic thing I have read on grief。I lost my father unexpectedly in March 2021。 Just over three months in， and my world is upside down。 I saw this book mentioned on Instagram and thought I didn’t need it， that I didn’t need a book to tell me what I am feeling is normal。 I am so glad I was WRONG。 I finally decided to get a copy， and from the very first page when the author says that the situation sucks and nothing will make it better， I knew I had found the right book。The author writes from a place of profound loss which immediately helped me to see that she knew what she was talking about in a way that people who have not lost someone don’t understand。Everything I have questioned， wondering if I have truly lost my mind， she helped me to see is in fact very normal。 Grief is something I will carry， the way I carry it will change， but it will always be there。 Grief isn’t something to be cured or fixed， it just is。 I have finally quit trying to fix it and am just taking each day as it comes。 I found a few things that make it lighter， not all-consuming and blocking out everything else for small pieces of time， which is something Ms。 Devine talks about。 It’s like these small breaks help me for the really hard times when nothing is happening except really intense feelings of loss。 She helped me to see that for a long time it will feel like this just happened。 I had it in my head that at three months I should be doing so much better。 That is not true， and there is no timeline。 In typical grief brain fashion， there are some parts I will be reading again because my brain just didn’t absorb it。 I look forward to learning from these parts again and using the tools she mentions as I journey through this weird land I find myself in。I highly recommend this book for those grieving and for those wanting to know how to help someone who is grieving。 。。。more

Sue Wagner ，

A must read for anyone in acute grief。 Beyond helpful and honest。

Schuyler ，

Definitely a different view from the standard American view on grief - something to be pushed under the rug / rushed through as fast as possible。 The book has the sentiment that we will forever be affected by our grief and it is ok to feel that way （and any way you want to feel while grieving）。 Since everyone is affected differently， everyone will have different reactions and emotions that are surfacing。 She provided a good section on "common" reactions and those are good if you have some of tho Definitely a different view from the standard American view on grief - something to be pushed under the rug / rushed through as fast as possible。 The book has the sentiment that we will forever be affected by our grief and it is ok to feel that way （and any way you want to feel while grieving）。 Since everyone is affected differently， everyone will have different reactions and emotions that are surfacing。 She provided a good section on "common" reactions and those are good if you have some of those and want to feel validated （like me）。 This book isn't overall that much of a revelation though， more just some thoughts on the subject， tips， and tricks （that are unfortunately repeated and dragged out a bit longer than they should be）。 。。。more

Donald Stephen ，

It's very painful to read because it's true。 Losing 1 star because it's too painful to read。 It's very painful to read because it's true。 Losing 1 star because it's too painful to read。 。。。more

Blythe Beecroft ，

Thanks @kaitlinlillywhite for giving this to me back when I really needed it。 One of the underlying messages of the book is grief is not something we "get over" or fix， but rather something we learn to carry and experience。 This book has radically changed my approach to interacting with anyone experiencing loss or mourning。 A bit of a slow read because it is emotionally intense。 Thanks @kaitlinlillywhite for giving this to me back when I really needed it。 One of the underlying messages of the book is grief is not something we "get over" or fix， but rather something we learn to carry and experience。 This book has radically changed my approach to interacting with anyone experiencing loss or mourning。 A bit of a slow read because it is emotionally intense。 。。。more

Darby ，

I lost my spouse almost a year ago and this book helped me with my grief。 It is so relatable， gives good advice for handling grief， and has questions to help journal when processing grief。 I have a ton of flags sticking out of it and know I will be rereading it right away。

Trupal ，

I have not experienced any major loss like the author and the review is from that perspective。Narration: 4/5; No complains about the narration。I had mixed feelings while reading this book。Some points are worthy to note but they are few and far in between and mostly are in the 3rd part of the book。 The author dismisses most of the point just by saying that it is ridiculous and never provides any evidences for them。 This satisfies the grieving listeners。 And now after blaming， she gives so called I have not experienced any major loss like the author and the review is from that perspective。Narration: 4/5; No complains about the narration。I had mixed feelings while reading this book。Some points are worthy to note but they are few and far in between and mostly are in the 3rd part of the book。 The author dismisses most of the point just by saying that it is ridiculous and never provides any evidences for them。 This satisfies the grieving listeners。 And now after blaming， she gives so called tools which are built on the same foundations she despised a chapter ago。 I did not find concrete ways to deal with people going through such loss。 Chapters do not provide with much new thoughts and is just one idea stretched to fill pages。1。5/5 。。。more

Laurel ，

Best grief book I have found。

Ashley Schrock Miller ，

With all due respect to the author and all those this books help， I just can't。 It seems like most of the issues this book addresses could be solved by surrounding yourself with people who aren't awful。 Unhealed if I speak from my healed center。 If you can begin with the assumption that your loved ones are good people， we don't have to assume when they say the imperfect thing in a hard situation that it's anything more than a misstep made from a place of the best intentions。 With all due respect to the author and all those this books help， I just can't。 It seems like most of the issues this book addresses could be solved by surrounding yourself with people who aren't awful。 Unhealed if I speak from my healed center。 If you can begin with the assumption that your loved ones are good people， we don't have to assume when they say the imperfect thing in a hard situation that it's anything more than a misstep made from a place of the best intentions。 。。。more

Nicola ，

I found this a very helpful audio book when in the early stages of grief。 The narration was very comforting and it reflected so well what I am feeling。 It is also a very good book to help people around you who arent sure how to help the grieving person。

Krista Sanford ，

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is going through loss！ It helped me sort out some emotions of my own grief and process exactly what I’m feeling。 Everyone’s grief is different， as she points out in the book， I hope this books helps others as much as it helped me。

John Kairis ，

Super highly recommend for anyone experiencing any kind of loss， be it a partner， a child， a grandparent， sibling， friend， relationship， or a job。 Very helpful and insightful read。

Kelley ，

This really is an excellent book， whether you are grieving， know someone close to you that is grieving， or you just plain want to be a better human and help understand the process。 Enlightening， and not surprising that this Country's attitude toward grief is to sweep it under the rug。 My family was dealt a horrible， sad loss when my dad 3。5 years ago， and then we dealt with a lot of crap from one side of the family that was also dealing with a separate loss。 I wish I could make them read or list This really is an excellent book， whether you are grieving， know someone close to you that is grieving， or you just plain want to be a better human and help understand the process。 Enlightening， and not surprising that this Country's attitude toward grief is to sweep it under the rug。 My family was dealt a horrible， sad loss when my dad 3。5 years ago， and then we dealt with a lot of crap from one side of the family that was also dealing with a separate loss。 I wish I could make them read or listen to this， so that they may become better humans， but alas， they proved to be like many people who don't know what to do， and then worse。 It would so great if everyone understood grief and looked at in a different perspective。 I hope anyone that ever felt pushed to get over it or had someone compare their loss as greater than yours， reads this book。 。。。more

Erin Anne ，

The first couple chapters and the section at the back on how to help a grieving friend， should be required reading for all。 Basically， meeting people where they are at and stop saying all the unhelpful platitudes that people usually say。 When they were said to me and still， they are like nails on a chalkboard to my system。 Megan gets grief， because she's a trained psychotherapist and she experienced the loss of her partner to a sudden tragic accident。 The first couple chapters and the section at the back on how to help a grieving friend， should be required reading for all。 Basically， meeting people where they are at and stop saying all the unhelpful platitudes that people usually say。 When they were said to me and still， they are like nails on a chalkboard to my system。 Megan gets grief， because she's a trained psychotherapist and she experienced the loss of her partner to a sudden tragic accident。 。。。more

Rebecca Marks ，

Thank goodness for Megan Devine and this book！ Finally， someone is actually talking about living with loss without looking for the rainbows and the lessons。 Having lived through horrible loss， Megan's words ring true and her observations are absolutely accurate。 I know my experience would be even more difficult if I had not found this resource。 Thank goodness for Megan Devine and this book！ Finally， someone is actually talking about living with loss without looking for the rainbows and the lessons。 Having lived through horrible loss， Megan's words ring true and her observations are absolutely accurate。 I know my experience would be even more difficult if I had not found this resource。 。。。more

Kristina ，

Finally a book that let's you grieve how you feel is best without forcing unrealistic expectations on resolving grief。 Finally a book that let's you grieve how you feel is best without forcing unrealistic expectations on resolving grief。 。。。more

Ghazaleh ，

I finally read something that did not offend me， make me angry， or add to my sadness。 I finally found a writer that understands pain is not a choice， happiness is not a choice， and grief is a natural response to the loss of a loved one。 Everybody should read this book， both those who have lost someone， and especially those who have not so they can understand how it feels like and how they should not behave or speak to someone who has lost a loved one or is in the process of losing one。

Andrew ，

The path to grief recovery is different for everyone。 I appreciated Devine’s approach to handling the everyday stress of life， after losing someone。 This book was recommended to me after the death of my mother。 I would recommend it to anyone who has been dealing with grief， while navigating external expectations。 Most importantly to me， Devine does not share a religious/spiritual/belief。 This book isn’t about what happens to the person that died， it is to help the people that are still alive。

Ari ，

This is the book on grief I needed to read。 She's so understanding and not condescending and it's so important to have more books like this。 She's coming from a place of actually understanding what we're going through， and reminds us that we move forward WITH grief rather than past it， which is the most important thing I've learned through my studies of grief。 I've lost many people in my life but one of the most recent and most devastating losses was that of my unborn daughter。 Even a year later This is the book on grief I needed to read。 She's so understanding and not condescending and it's so important to have more books like this。 She's coming from a place of actually understanding what we're going through， and reminds us that we move forward WITH grief rather than past it， which is the most important thing I've learned through my studies of grief。 I've lost many people in my life but one of the most recent and most devastating losses was that of my unborn daughter。 Even a year later and in the 2nd trimester with our "rainbow" baby who seems to be doing well， the grief continues， and knowing what kind of person I am I know it will continue for the rest of my life。 I love that in a few places she acknowledges this kind of loss， though it's not something she focuses heavily on， she doesn't dwell on any specific type of loss。 She focuses on the similarities between grief and people who are grieving so she could make a more overarching guide to grief。 Obviously grief is a very personal experience so you might not agree with everything she has said but I think a lot of it does apply in most cases， so this would be a good book to check out if you're trying to support someone else who is grieving。 Ms。 Devine， I cannot thank you enough for this excellent book。 I'm so sorry for your loss， this book will never make up for losing him， but I am so glad you used your pain to help others。 We needed this。 。。。more

Kelly ，

I agree with a lot of Megan's points in the book。 People are afraid of grief， dealing with other people's grief is uncomfortable， and the culture at large doesn't want to deal with grief so that trickles down to the individual level。 I appreciate how she says that grief is not something to be fixed， but something to be tended。 I also like how she talks about how all grief is not the same。 A long drawn out death of a grandparent is not the same as a sudden and tragic loss of a parent or spouse。I I agree with a lot of Megan's points in the book。 People are afraid of grief， dealing with other people's grief is uncomfortable， and the culture at large doesn't want to deal with grief so that trickles down to the individual level。 I appreciate how she says that grief is not something to be fixed， but something to be tended。 I also like how she talks about how all grief is not the same。 A long drawn out death of a grandparent is not the same as a sudden and tragic loss of a parent or spouse。I couldn't possibly give the book more than 2 stars for a couple of reasons。 She seems to blame organized religion for our inability to deal with death。 Organized religion isn't to blame， although people in organized religion often give platitudes and then sadly leave people alone to grieve。 It's a symptom of a larger problem: that no one talks about the rawness of it。 I also disagree with her when she says some suffering can't be redeemed。 As a Christian， ALL suffering can/will be redeemed， even if we don't see it in this lifetime。 I'm ok with her difference in spiritual beliefs， but wasn't ok with her blaming religion- it felt very exclusionary to a religious person。Also， the book had a very angry tone which was very off putting to me， as someone in the depths of fresh grief。 It actually quite stressed me out。 I'm very angry right now， as a part of grief， but wow。 Her tone was really abrasive。 I would never recommend this to someone who is freshly grieving because it's so harsh。The writing was also just subpar。 Really repetitive。 I was able to skim sections and not miss her point because she states her point over and over and over。。。It gets 2 stars because I think it's really important to talk about the cultural problem of lack of support and understanding around grief。 It had great promise， but fell really short。 。。。more

Alice ，

I wish I could give this book 6 stars！ This is the first review I have written on this site。 That’s how impressed I am。Megan Devine gave me the permission I needed to honestly feel my grief。 Furthermore， she gave me tools to work on my grief going forward and to live well。My husband of 57 years died 6 months ago。 To the outside world， I appeared very functional and “healed。” Not true。 Inside， I was struggling with emotions I did not understand。On the first page of the intro， I read this: “The wa I wish I could give this book 6 stars！ This is the first review I have written on this site。 That’s how impressed I am。Megan Devine gave me the permission I needed to honestly feel my grief。 Furthermore， she gave me tools to work on my grief going forward and to live well。My husband of 57 years died 6 months ago。 To the outside world， I appeared very functional and “healed。” Not true。 Inside， I was struggling with emotions I did not understand。On the first page of the intro， I read this: “The way we deal with grief in our culture is broken。” With that， I was hooked！ I had pretty much begun to get a hint of that fact。 To see it confirmed in black and white was life-changing。As I read， I kept nodding and feeling validated。 I had originally been reading from a library book。 I returned the library book and bought my own copy on Amazon。 I had to have my own。I recommend this for anybody who is experiencing deep grief。 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0