Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
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- Create Date：2021-07-07 08:56:04
- Update Date：2025-09-07
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- Author：Gordon Neufeld
- ISBN：178504219X
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Summary
‘Maté’s book will make you examine your behaviour in a new light’ Guardian
‘bold， wise and deeply moral。 [Maté] is a healer to be cherished’ Naomi Klein， author of No Logo and The Shock Doctrine
Children take their lead from their friends: being ‘cool’ matters more than anything else。 Shaping values， identity and codes of behaviour， peer groups are often far more influential than parents。
But this situation is far from natural， and it can be dangerous – it undermines family cohesion， interferes with healthy development， and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture。 Children end up becoming conformist， anxious and alienated。
In Hold on to Your Kids， acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld， a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting。 Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to ‘reattach’ to sons and daughters， establish the hierarchy at home， make children feel safe and understood， and earn back your children's loyalty and love。 This updated edition also addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media。
By helping to reawaken our instincts， Maté and Neufeld empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact， security and warmth for their children。
‘bold， wise and deeply moral。 [Maté] is a healer to be cherished’ Naomi Klein， author of No Logo and The Shock Doctrine
Children take their lead from their friends: being ‘cool’ matters more than anything else。 Shaping values， identity and codes of behaviour， peer groups are often far more influential than parents。
But this situation is far from natural， and it can be dangerous – it undermines family cohesion， interferes with healthy development， and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture。 Children end up becoming conformist， anxious and alienated。
In Hold on to Your Kids， acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld， a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting。 Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to ‘reattach’ to sons and daughters， establish the hierarchy at home， make children feel safe and understood， and earn back your children's loyalty and love。 This updated edition also addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media。
By helping to reawaken our instincts， Maté and Neufeld empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact， security and warmth for their children。
Reviews
Agne Stenger
，
Meh。 Dar vienas eilinis pagrūmojimas pirštu。 Niu niu niu。
Aren Lerner
，
Should be required reading
Shannon
，
I finally finished this book！ I feel like I got a lot out of it， but damn I am ready to read some fun teen fantasy lit now。 This book is about attachment and how when there is an attachment void at home， kids today will attach to their peer group instead of their parents。 The author is very kind towards the parents who created the attachment void / lost touch with their kids - there could be stress for any number of legitimate reasons。 I feel like he could have talked more about how there is a w I finally finished this book！ I feel like I got a lot out of it， but damn I am ready to read some fun teen fantasy lit now。 This book is about attachment and how when there is an attachment void at home， kids today will attach to their peer group instead of their parents。 The author is very kind towards the parents who created the attachment void / lost touch with their kids - there could be stress for any number of legitimate reasons。 I feel like he could have talked more about how there is a whole generation of parents who don't care about attachment or an emotional relationship with their kids。 He had a general assumption that most parents and adults are willing and capable of giving their children unconditional love and I don't think that's true。 That said， I found the actual phenomena of peer orientation and peer attachment to be true for me experientially。 I thought of middle school and high school Shannon frequently while reading this book。 It's great because the author really drives home that kids need to be attached to an emotionally mature， loving adult throughout their entire childhood and adolescence。 Attachment isn't just for babies and toddlers。 His section on discipline is also great - the relationship should be forefront in the parents' minds， not behavior。 I have a lot of thoughts about this book and it's resulted in many good conversations。 I definitely recommend it！ 。。。more
Andrea
，
This was a paradigm shifting book for me。 There were so many insights into what has gone wrong with the “rising generation” for many years and why the problems keep getting worse。 My only complaint was that the chapters on the multitude of problems caused by the lack of attachment between parents and children seemed to go on and on and I was anxious for him to finally get to the solutions。 Eventually there were good （although not easy） solutions offered to combat these problems。 I just wish I wo This was a paradigm shifting book for me。 There were so many insights into what has gone wrong with the “rising generation” for many years and why the problems keep getting worse。 My only complaint was that the chapters on the multitude of problems caused by the lack of attachment between parents and children seemed to go on and on and I was anxious for him to finally get to the solutions。 Eventually there were good （although not easy） solutions offered to combat these problems。 I just wish I would have read this book 20 years ago。 。。。more
James Alvarez-Ude
，
Fascinating ideas， the raw message is mind blowing and in a way revolutionary， but the execution suffers: the introduction mentions an editor who cut down the manuscript， it needs more cutting especially the first half。 It's a huge worry for me that my child would go through the same ordeal as me at school， and an even greater worry how digital technology could exacerbate the reach bullies have。 As someone who found solace at the right time from a group of friends， I found the message against pe Fascinating ideas， the raw message is mind blowing and in a way revolutionary， but the execution suffers: the introduction mentions an editor who cut down the manuscript， it needs more cutting especially the first half。 It's a huge worry for me that my child would go through the same ordeal as me at school， and an even greater worry how digital technology could exacerbate the reach bullies have。 As someone who found solace at the right time from a group of friends， I found the message against peer groups to be very challenging。 I will need time to digest the ideas in this book， with regards to my own autobiography， and what I would plan for my own child。 Ultimately the message is that parents need to make an effort to maintain a good warm relationship with their children as they grow up， and not take it for granted， which I think most people would agree。 。。。more
Tomáš
，
Knížka mi vůbec nesedla。 Jako na houpačce: pár zajímavých myšlenek， ale pak hned několik zkratek a ohnutí reality， aby vše zapadlo do autorova světonázoru。 Zřejmě jsem vše nepochopil， anebo je můj kontext příliš vzdálen tomu autorovýmu。
Mihaela Sonoda
，
Trăim într-o epocă destul de pașnică， dar cu un procent din ce în ce mai mare de copiii care se confruntă cu anxietatea și depresia， iar numărul sinuciderilor în rândul copiilor este în creștere。 Este copleșitor și provocator să educi copii într-un absolut nou context。 Și totuși unde și ce se pierde？ Cartea ，，Hold on to your kids" de Gordon Neufeld și Gabor Mate ne arată din noi perspective fenomenul atașamentului。 Atașamentul nu e ceva nou， el a fost omniprezent în mod inconștient。 Părinții au Trăim într-o epocă destul de pașnică， dar cu un procent din ce în ce mai mare de copiii care se confruntă cu anxietatea și depresia， iar numărul sinuciderilor în rândul copiilor este în creștere。 Este copleșitor și provocator să educi copii într-un absolut nou context。 Și totuși unde și ce se pierde？ Cartea ，，Hold on to your kids" de Gordon Neufeld și Gabor Mate ne arată din noi perspective fenomenul atașamentului。 Atașamentul nu e ceva nou， el a fost omniprezent în mod inconștient。 Părinții au reușit să influențeze comportamentul și atitudinea copiilor în mod instinctiv， datorită atașamentului。 Însă în noile condiții sociale， acest atașament se pierde de cele mai multe ori și își schimbă orientarea spre semenii copiilor。 Deseori ne grăbim să-i vedem pe copiii noștri cât mai independenți。 Ne bucurăm atunci când socializează și petrece mai mult timp cu prietenii。 Însă dacă nu este suficientă conectare între părinți și copii， situația poate scăpa de sub control。 În carte， puteți afla despre: 🧩Fenomenul atașamentului în relația părinte-copil și copil-semenii săi。 🧩De ce copiii atașați de semeni se îndepărtează de părinți și devin rebeli， reci， în unele cazuri， violenți sau invers， devin anxioși， depresivi。 🧩Despre imaturitate vs maturitate， dependență vs independență， agresivitate， violență， bullying， viața sexuală în rândul adolescenților。🧩Soluții de a forma un atașament sănătos între părinți și copii。🧩Cum să prevenim atașamentul nesănătos între copii și semenii lor。 Veți avea nevoie de un pix și foaie。 Puteți lua multe notițe și idei originale。 Recomand nu doar părinților， ci și persoanelor interesate de cum funcționează un atașament。 Eu m-am redescoperit prin această carte și mi-a adus aminte de unele momente din memoria pasivă。 De asemenea， m-a încurajat să continui ceea ce fac în relația cu copiii mei。 。。。more
Tanya Ostannja
，
мастрід для батьків чиї діти скоро перейдуть з дошкільного у вік шкільний， але цікаво буде навідь для чайлдфрі。 багато пояснень на одвічні питання чому підлітки такі підлітки і взагалі причини дитячих неслухів。 і що треба цінувати кожну хвилинку （гіпербола， звісно）， коли діти потребують вашої уваги， бо потім важко повернути прив'язаність назад。 але маааайже завжди можливо。 мастрід для батьків чиї діти скоро перейдуть з дошкільного у вік шкільний， але цікаво буде навідь для чайлдфрі。 багато пояснень на одвічні питання чому підлітки такі підлітки і взагалі причини дитячих неслухів。 і що треба цінувати кожну хвилинку （гіпербола， звісно）， коли діти потребують вашої уваги， бо потім важко повернути прив'язаність назад。 але маааайже завжди можливо。 。。。more
Izzy
，
This book is amazing。 I highly recommend it for all parents or people working with children。 The authors provide real case scenarios， there's neurological information。 This book is full of hope， no gloom & doom if you don't do as they say。 The last chapter is an update on electronics and social media， which is helpful also。 Highly recommend this book。 This book is amazing。 I highly recommend it for all parents or people working with children。 The authors provide real case scenarios， there's neurological information。 This book is full of hope， no gloom & doom if you don't do as they say。 The last chapter is an update on electronics and social media， which is helpful also。 Highly recommend this book。 。。。more
maMbo jamBo
，
fena değildi fakat çok fazla tekrar vardı。。
Anya
，
Well。。 I am so scared now after reading the book。 It is as if you looked your fear into the eye。 Which， to be honest， you should do from time to time。
Micha
，
Good book， his assessment of the current situation in parenting sounds solid。 The author took a lot of time to explain， give reasons， results and examples of peer orientation， which was great。 I felt this was something he thought a lot about， with a lot of experience behind。 However when he got to the solutions I thought he did not explain enough the how to implement the solution he suggests in a very concrete way， I could not always see exactly how that would work and what precisely I should do Good book， his assessment of the current situation in parenting sounds solid。 The author took a lot of time to explain， give reasons， results and examples of peer orientation， which was great。 I felt this was something he thought a lot about， with a lot of experience behind。 However when he got to the solutions I thought he did not explain enough the how to implement the solution he suggests in a very concrete way， I could not always see exactly how that would work and what precisely I should do。 I had to think about it to make sense out of it （maybe that was his intention， haha）。 For example he used used several examples in parts 1-3 to make his point and when talking about discipline I think I only remember the 1 example of the kid in the pool getting too excited while playing。。。 The solution parts of the book lacked depth and bite and left me perplexed on whether it would work and whether I would know what to do。。。Anyway， I am going to try to collect my kid as much as possible， spend some quality time with him and we'll see。 I'll update my review in a few weeks/months :-） 。。。more
47Time
，
The author argues that in recent decades peers have become， not just an important influence on children and young adults， but have even replaced the parents' role in education and are shaping their behavior on a destructive path。 The kids' behavior degenerates into violence， bullying， precocious sex。 The book describes what constructive relationships should be between adults and children。 There are now many dangers to peer orientation， so the task of raising a child to be strong and independent The author argues that in recent decades peers have become， not just an important influence on children and young adults， but have even replaced the parents' role in education and are shaping their behavior on a destructive path。 The kids' behavior degenerates into violence， bullying， precocious sex。 The book describes what constructive relationships should be between adults and children。 There are now many dangers to peer orientation， so the task of raising a child to be strong and independent has never been more difficult。 The bottom line is that adults - primarily parents， but also teachers and family friends - have a pivotal role in and child's path to maturity。Below I've included some notes that highlight what the book is about。 I'm convinced that there is truth in them， so I intend to employ them with my child。 The author's ideas make sense， though they challenge a lot of current ideas about child psychology， something he often mentions。 He includes what seem to me to be solid arguments in his favor。Attachment must be to the parents first。 Only when the child is mature and independent enough should he move toward peers。Orientation is made primarily by the ones the child is most attached to。 Unfortunately， peers often don't have the maturity to guide and teach properly。Modern society unwittingly places the students in a position where they resort to peer relationships - parents' long job hours， divorces or inexperience， teachers' numerous students and increased focus on study instead of on relationships， the attractiveness of new technology。Time-outs have a different result than what parents expect。 Rather than being constructive disciplining， it results in the child's frustration which makes peers more attractive than parents。Rather than forcing the child to always do good， the adult should encourage that he want to do good。 This will guide the child toward positive intentions， even if failure occurs。Good relations with peer eliminates shyness when close to them， but increases shyness when close to adults。 The end result is further isolation from experienced adults and thus intellectual stagnation。Self-esteem has always been linked to peer relations， but this is caused by peer-orientation。 True self-esteem must be independent of what others think and it can be built into the child only by responsible adults the child is attached to。Peers can still be a part of a child's life， but care must be taken to not lose the child to peers。 Even with other kids present， the adults must not leave the picture lest they be replaced by peers。 Undoing a destructive attachment to peers is more difficult than preventing it。 。。。more
Trulee
，
I would have given this book 4。5 stars。 It is well written， he also has well documented research and some brilliant insights。 The author does not come across as pompous or self-righteous like many books of this type。 I love how he challenged my perception of socialization and expertly taught me a new leans for viewing kid and adult attachment。 I loved this book， but I do wish he had supplied more techniques in working with peer oriented kids as he taught the principles。Over all， very well done。
Danielle
，
I can't say that I undertook an in-depth reading of this parenting book 。。。 but， I definitely skimmed it。 A lot of the points and philosophies are ones that I'm familiar with （and in general alignment with）， so a "skim" felt appropriate。 On that point， I will note that this book is very dense。 It's not light reading， and may be a very good candidate for an audiobook format。 I can't say that I undertook an in-depth reading of this parenting book 。。。 but， I definitely skimmed it。 A lot of the points and philosophies are ones that I'm familiar with （and in general alignment with）， so a "skim" felt appropriate。 On that point， I will note that this book is very dense。 It's not light reading， and may be a very good candidate for an audiobook format。 。。。more
Kim
，
I didn't read much of it， I just couldn't get into it。 I didn't read much of it， I just couldn't get into it。 。。。more
Joseph Butcher
，
Great book。 Well worth the read。
Sarah
，
5
Gretchen
，
Very good book on attachment theory。 A lot of great insight into building relationships with your children and with extended friends and family and why it matters。
Vex
，
"Hold On to Your Kids" is a one-trick pony of a book。 The basic premise is: a kid wanting to hang out with their peers all the time is not necessarily a good thing， and a kid wanting to hang out with their parents all the time is not necessarily a bad thing。 And the authors present this same thought in about a million different ways。 I'm not enthusiastically recommending it to everyone， but it did help me come to terms with my kid wanting my attention all the time and see it as a good thing， not "Hold On to Your Kids" is a one-trick pony of a book。 The basic premise is: a kid wanting to hang out with their peers all the time is not necessarily a good thing， and a kid wanting to hang out with their parents all the time is not necessarily a bad thing。 And the authors present this same thought in about a million different ways。 I'm not enthusiastically recommending it to everyone， but it did help me come to terms with my kid wanting my attention all the time and see it as a good thing， not as a lack of independence。 。。。more
Jenna McIlroy
，
I never find these books easy to read。 As a parent， the first half of this is utterly terrifying。 The second half gives me more hope。 Eye opening。
Jaelynn Horton
，
Ohhh man this was so good。 It took me forever to get through because it’s very academically written and I took extensive notes- but it was so worth it！！ I think the main takeaway in a sentence is just that kids need to be attached to us as parents- that our connection with them is vital in their growth and development。 The problem happens when they attach instead to their peers， leaving room for so many problems to happen。 My relationship with my kids should be at the forefront of everything I d Ohhh man this was so good。 It took me forever to get through because it’s very academically written and I took extensive notes- but it was so worth it！！ I think the main takeaway in a sentence is just that kids need to be attached to us as parents- that our connection with them is vital in their growth and development。 The problem happens when they attach instead to their peers， leaving room for so many problems to happen。 My relationship with my kids should be at the forefront of everything I do as a parent！！ 。。。more
Andreea Apetrei
，
I chose to read this book because of its title。 It sounded so “important”！ However， for me， it had been a big disappointment: After the first 30 pages I was convinced about the damage created by the peer-orientation but the next 200 pages I didn’t find anything new。 It seemed to me that every page of the book was explaining the same and single idea: hold on to your kids， don’t let them become attached to their peers。 A good part of the book explains the importance of attachment and the consequen I chose to read this book because of its title。 It sounded so “important”！ However， for me， it had been a big disappointment: After the first 30 pages I was convinced about the damage created by the peer-orientation but the next 200 pages I didn’t find anything new。 It seemed to me that every page of the book was explaining the same and single idea: hold on to your kids， don’t let them become attached to their peers。 A good part of the book explains the importance of attachment and the consequences on the peer orientation。 So 。。。 since the attachment is being built/created in the very beginning of life， it seems that all this theory （and book） about peer-orientation is no longer useful for parents of older kids because you can’t change so easily the attachment style。 Moreover， some elements described in the book characterize more the American society （less the European）。 I liked the first and the last 30 pages。 In between， it was very efficient to make me fall sleep after only one page of reading。 I did learn some new ideas about parenting and I was reminded by other ideas， but I won’t add this book on my recommendation list for parents。 Definitely， not among the first 10 books。 I was so happy to finish it so I can really enjoy reading something new。 。。。more
Don Pintor
，
El libro que todo padre y madre debería leer， ojalá lo hubiera leído antes， afortunadamente aún no es tarde para corregir mis errores。 Ha sido una gran herramienta para cambiar mi enfoque en la crianza a una con más pistas y menos incertidumbre。 Quisiera recomendárselo a todos los adultos que se hacen cargo de un niño， de verdad creo que se basa en un principio con el potencial de cambiar al mundo。 10 de 5 estrellas。
Kristin
，
I'm not rating this book as I skipped and skimmed my way through。 Some parts were interesting to me， though。。。After WW2 a "child's culture" began to develop for the first time。 Previously， children and parents would enjoy the same music， activities， games， etc。 This new niche led to specialized advertising and separation of children and their parents， which then led （at least in part） to the children becoming peer oriented。Orientation in this book is described as where value， acceptance， love， a I'm not rating this book as I skipped and skimmed my way through。 Some parts were interesting to me， though。。。After WW2 a "child's culture" began to develop for the first time。 Previously， children and parents would enjoy the same music， activities， games， etc。 This new niche led to specialized advertising and separation of children and their parents， which then led （at least in part） to the children becoming peer oriented。Orientation in this book is described as where value， acceptance， love， and direction come from。 The healthy parent orientation （where the parent is their child's compass point and provides unconditional love and boundaries） is one of the strongest indicators of resilient mental health in teenagers and young adults。A few reminders。。。*Show the spontaneous delight my child brings。。。。eye contact， a hug， a smile， a suggestion to do something together。 Just in the everyday moments， not because of anything。*There's incalculable value in growing up with classics such as Shakespeare， Beethoven， and the Bible 。。。more
Chandra
，
If pseudo-science， adultism， baby boomers shirking responsibility for their actions， and the nostalgic recall of pre-WWII American societal norms are your thang， you might appreciate this book。 If not， maybe don’t bother。
Megan
，
I wish this book didn’t feel so fear based。 It was full of ideas worth thinking about and was an interesting and worthwhile read but I can’t comfortably recommend it because you really have to read past the extremes of it。
Analisa
，
Read this and the last book for a book club。 It provided some good motivation important for childhood development。 I am wary of parenting books though and I try to keep away from them （or be very selective in parenting "influencers" or books） because， ironically， the book states that we aren't lacking in information， but the human problem is that we have access to too much information （along the lines of Malcolm Gladwell's Blink）。 I had the hardest time with some of the disciplinary aspects of i Read this and the last book for a book club。 It provided some good motivation important for childhood development。 I am wary of parenting books though and I try to keep away from them （or be very selective in parenting "influencers" or books） because， ironically， the book states that we aren't lacking in information， but the human problem is that we have access to too much information （along the lines of Malcolm Gladwell's Blink）。 I had the hardest time with some of the disciplinary aspects of it。 Not that it wasn't good advice， but it fed the gripping fear that many parents have that every little thing they do wrong will have disastrous effects on the child and I feel like you carry a lot of responsibility when you write a book in that way。 All in all， it was good information but man。 I was so bored reading it。 。。。more
Niki
，
Oh boy， I couldn't finish this book。 Hold On to Your Kids was selected by a parent at my child's school as the focus of a parent book club。 Keen to participate， I blindly went and got the book and started to read。 By page 5， I already felt my back up over the author's assertions。 I made it to page 22， but called it quits。 The main idea of the book （at least in it seemed to me） was that there is something wrong with "kids these days" and their attachment to their peers is to blame。 I have multipl Oh boy， I couldn't finish this book。 Hold On to Your Kids was selected by a parent at my child's school as the focus of a parent book club。 Keen to participate， I blindly went and got the book and started to read。 By page 5， I already felt my back up over the author's assertions。 I made it to page 22， but called it quits。 The main idea of the book （at least in it seemed to me） was that there is something wrong with "kids these days" and their attachment to their peers is to blame。 I have multiple problems with these assertions， but really it felt like a justification for helicopter parenting。 For example， "。。。absolutely clear is that children were meant to revolve around their parents。。。" （p。 19） Um， no， hard pass。I recognize I didn't make it far into this text and perhaps I've misjudged it， but I couldn't stomach the start to see where it was all going。 Ultimately， I returned the book and chose not to join the book club and spew my negative thoughts over this book to the parent volunteer who organized it。 。。。more
Eric
，