Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies and Domestic Bliss
- Downloads：1271
- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2021-07-02 09:55:55
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Esther Perel
- ISBN：0340943750
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
Determined to reconcile the erotic and the domestic， Perel explains why democracy is a passion killer in the bedroom。 She argues for playfulness， distance， and uncertainty， and shows what it takes to bring lust home。 Smart， sexy and explosively original， 'Mating in Captivity' is the monogamist's essential bedside read。
Reviews
Alyssa
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"Asserting your separateness from your parter is what keeps love alive。 It's the act of choosing and the freedom involved in choosing that keeps a relationship alive。"YAS Esther。 I didn't love all of the examples she gave about specific couples--I could never be a therapist， my gosh。 But her overall thesis and ideas make a lot of sense for everyone。 "Asserting your separateness from your parter is what keeps love alive。 It's the act of choosing and the freedom involved in choosing that keeps a relationship alive。"YAS Esther。 I didn't love all of the examples she gave about specific couples--I could never be a therapist， my gosh。 But her overall thesis and ideas make a lot of sense for everyone。 。。。more
Luciana Rosa （Bookmark Curiosities）
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Esther Perel’s book about sex in committed relationships。It has real cases from couples in her practice， and the theoretical explanation behind it。 It was good but a bit overwhelming。 It was really a lot of couples and sex problems。I didn’t like the format。 I think it works better as a podcast， following only one couple at a time。 Or maybe I should have paced myself more。I gave it 4 stars because in the midst of “watching” other couples issues for mere curiosity and not really relating to it， th Esther Perel’s book about sex in committed relationships。It has real cases from couples in her practice， and the theoretical explanation behind it。 It was good but a bit overwhelming。 It was really a lot of couples and sex problems。I didn’t like the format。 I think it works better as a podcast， following only one couple at a time。 Or maybe I should have paced myself more。I gave it 4 stars because in the midst of “watching” other couples issues for mere curiosity and not really relating to it， there were a couple of cases that was spot on what I am going through， and it really helped me to see things from a new perspective。Not that I have sex problems， but there are parts of myself and my partner that I don’t fully understand yet， and who doesn’t want an even better erotic life？ 。。。more
Amanda
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This should be required reading before anyone gets involved in a long-term relationship。 I've loved Esher Perel everytime she joined Dan Savage on his podcast， and this book still surpassed my expectations。 This should be required reading before anyone gets involved in a long-term relationship。 I've loved Esher Perel everytime she joined Dan Savage on his podcast， and this book still surpassed my expectations。 。。。more
Silvica Silvy
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"Dragostea este un potir care conține atât protecție， cât și aventură， iar angajamentul le oferă una dintre cele mai mari bogății ale vieții :timp。 Căsătoria nu este sfârșitul idilei lor， este începutul。 "Dragostea este un potir care conține atât protecție， cât și aventură， iar angajamentul le oferă una dintre cele mai mari bogății ale vieții :timp。 Căsătoria nu este sfârșitul idilei lor， este începutul。 。。。more
ALL CAPS NO FILTERS
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 THIS IS A REALLY ENLIGHTENING BOOK THAT I STARTED AFTER READING SEX AT DAWN。 PEREL'S PATIENT AND ENGAGING TONE IS A REFRESHING CONTRAST TO JETHA/RYAN'S OSCILLATION BETWEEN CONDESCENDING PRESENTATIONS OF 'WESTERN SOCIETY IS SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG' AND THE IMPOTENT RAGING AKA 'OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUDS'***INSTEAD， IN MATING IN CAPTIVITY， WE ARE TAKEN ON A JOURNEY WHICH HAS MUCH MORE REALISTIC APPROACH TO MODERN ROMANCE。 PEREL HIGHLIGHTS THE RHYTHMS OF JOINING AND SEPARATION OF INDIVIDUALS AS A WONDERFUL THIS IS A REALLY ENLIGHTENING BOOK THAT I STARTED AFTER READING SEX AT DAWN。 PEREL'S PATIENT AND ENGAGING TONE IS A REFRESHING CONTRAST TO JETHA/RYAN'S OSCILLATION BETWEEN CONDESCENDING PRESENTATIONS OF 'WESTERN SOCIETY IS SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG' AND THE IMPOTENT RAGING AKA 'OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUDS'***INSTEAD， IN MATING IN CAPTIVITY， WE ARE TAKEN ON A JOURNEY WHICH HAS MUCH MORE REALISTIC APPROACH TO MODERN ROMANCE。 PEREL HIGHLIGHTS THE RHYTHMS OF JOINING AND SEPARATION OF INDIVIDUALS AS A WONDERFUL PHENOMENON。 THIS CELEBRATION OF INDIVIDUALITY WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A RELATIONSHIP IS SOMETHING THAT WARRANTS MORE EXPLORATION IN TODAY'S DISCOURSE。 I FELT INSPIRED AFTER READING THIS BOOK TO TAKE A DELIBERATE LOOK AT MY PLACE IN ALL OF THIS。*** THE IRONY OF THIS JUDGEMENT WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THIS ACCOUNT IS NOT LOST ON ME 。。。more
Lien Nguyen
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Nothing new to me about the message the book wants to convey: monogamy is hard and irrealistic to maintain！ Although nurturing eroticism in long term relationship is not easy， it is doable if both sides have a bit of ‘erotic intelligence’ （and willingness to do so with their partner rather than with a new fresh air， and have time and energy to think about it）。 The best part to me is about Erotic footprint - your past/childhood has a big impact on your sexual life。 Will revisit it in other books， Nothing new to me about the message the book wants to convey: monogamy is hard and irrealistic to maintain！ Although nurturing eroticism in long term relationship is not easy， it is doable if both sides have a bit of ‘erotic intelligence’ （and willingness to do so with their partner rather than with a new fresh air， and have time and energy to think about it）。 The best part to me is about Erotic footprint - your past/childhood has a big impact on your sexual life。 Will revisit it in other books， hopefully I can find some books about this topic with better writing style than this one。In a nutshell， the book shares many ideas I have about No romance/desire in long term rlts， but the writing is pretty poor and dull so I didnt really enjoy reading。 。。。more
John Braine
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Her podcast about real sex therapy sessions with couples was recommended to me and I ended buying this and pretty much listening to it as a podcast。 Not a reflection on the writing， I just ended up flying through it without really giving it my undivided attention。。。 like a podcast。
Amanda
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It has some good points about creating mystery around your partner to rekindle desire。 However， I stopped listening when the author described pornography and BDSM in positive terms。
Julie
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This book is excellent。 I felt like I saw myself in almost all of the couple examples。 While I wish Esther would just tell me what to do， she is wise enough to give context and perspective instead。
Nancy Rodriguez
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I love Perel's view of eroticism as full of contradictions。 Morever the book recognizes all forms of fantasies as natural and fluent （same for different love paradigms）。 It advocates that partners should have the relationship that works for both parties， and recognizes that the relationship is living thing， fluid in all its beauty。 I love Perel's view of eroticism as full of contradictions。 Morever the book recognizes all forms of fantasies as natural and fluent （same for different love paradigms）。 It advocates that partners should have the relationship that works for both parties， and recognizes that the relationship is living thing， fluid in all its beauty。 。。。more
Lynette
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Excellent listen， I need to buy a paper copy now there’s too much in here to retain from one listen。
Benjamin
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I think this book would be more useful if I was more normal。 🤔 Most of the laments were not something I could relate to and in some cases even understand。 How could you stop seeing your significant other as a sexual being？ How do you make sex be something other than fun and playful？I guess it happens because she wrote about it but I'll probably never understand it。 I think this book would be more useful if I was more normal。 🤔 Most of the laments were not something I could relate to and in some cases even understand。 How could you stop seeing your significant other as a sexual being？ How do you make sex be something other than fun and playful？I guess it happens because she wrote about it but I'll probably never understand it。 。。。more
Elizabeth Marie
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3。5 - rounded to 4Interesting takes on modern romances， a few too many cliches about sexual interactions
Jamie Duncan
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my friends… be prepared for me to talk about this book every time we talk about relationships
Nicole
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I've seen this book recommended several times in advice columns， so I thought it worth the read。 And it was！ It's not really an advice book， so if you pick this up hoping for concrete steps to take， you'll probably be disappointed。 But from a theory point of view， I found this valuable and educational。 A lot of this resonated with me， especially the idea that you can't connect （or reconnect） if you're never separated， and that space is vital for a successful relationship。 It was a welcome remind I've seen this book recommended several times in advice columns， so I thought it worth the read。 And it was！ It's not really an advice book， so if you pick this up hoping for concrete steps to take， you'll probably be disappointed。 But from a theory point of view， I found this valuable and educational。 A lot of this resonated with me， especially the idea that you can't connect （or reconnect） if you're never separated， and that space is vital for a successful relationship。 It was a welcome reminder that while security， stability， and comfort are wonderful （and necessary！） things， they are not always compatible with the uncertainty and and risk that create passion。 。。。more
Joyce
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Awesome exploration of the modern culture of relationships and desire。 I especially liked the discussion about "comfort love" intimacy vs。 desire that requires distance， which is a strong bias in modern relationship ideals that explains a lot of perceived diminishing of sexual desire over time。 Lots of other gems about our Puritanical inheritance and destigmatization of fantasy and sex outside of the established relationship as well。 The only thing I don't like about this book is the strong pres Awesome exploration of the modern culture of relationships and desire。 I especially liked the discussion about "comfort love" intimacy vs。 desire that requires distance， which is a strong bias in modern relationship ideals that explains a lot of perceived diminishing of sexual desire over time。 Lots of other gems about our Puritanical inheritance and destigmatization of fantasy and sex outside of the established relationship as well。 The only thing I don't like about this book is the strong prescriptive bias that everyone *should* want more and better sex。 。。。more
Lynn
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3，5 stars。Firstly， this is not a self-help manual。 It’s a work that attempts to normalize sexualities and desires that do not follow the （US， but also western European） cultural norm， while challenging that same norm that dictates we should all be having amazing marriages and a lot of amazing sex （read: orgasms）。 And it does。 I’ve read a lot on the subject。 Yet Perel’s book was enlightening in a new way - in that it specifically looks at sex between people in long-term partnerships。 I believe th 3，5 stars。Firstly， this is not a self-help manual。 It’s a work that attempts to normalize sexualities and desires that do not follow the （US， but also western European） cultural norm， while challenging that same norm that dictates we should all be having amazing marriages and a lot of amazing sex （read: orgasms）。 And it does。 I’ve read a lot on the subject。 Yet Perel’s book was enlightening in a new way - in that it specifically looks at sex between people in long-term partnerships。 I believe this is a much needed work， going a long way to normalize lessened or varying sexual desire， and a little way towards normalizing kink and non-monogamy。 That being said， while Perel obviously tries very hard to set her thinking outside of the culturally defined boxes （discussing kink and non-monogamy， discussing sexual fantasies， etc。）， I would have liked her to take it a few steps further。The binary， cisgender heteronormative focus was a bit off-putting for me。 She does include a few same-sex couples in her anecdotes， but they felt forced。 I know from her blog and podcast that she increasingly sees gender as a spectrum， but it doesn’t show in this work。 I completely agree with Perel’s premise that men and women are socialized in a different way and thus， “gender matters。” However， I think that Perel， in her anecdotes and musings， steps over the more complex socialization and internalizations。 A bit more of a queer focus could have made this work so much better。Furthermore， any work that feeds the reader the statement “Sex makes babies” as a simple fact is subject to my suspicions。 In reality， not all sex makes babies。 But the fact she brings this seemingly simple statement in as fact says a lot about Perel’s view on sex。 “Sex，” it seems， is only for fertile straight people。 （Admittedly， Perel goes into some of the nuances later in the text， but for me that was too little， too late。） Same for her use of the word “transgressive” as the opposite of “vanilla。” It seems that for all her hints towards normalizing kink， she herself doesn’t quite believe it yet。 At least not at the time of her writing。 Regardless of all the things I would have liked this work to be， it is what it is and it does what it set out to do for its intended audience。 Even if that is within some strictly delineated boxes。 。。。more
Mary
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Loved it！
Laura
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A must read！ Why do we work so deliberately on ever aspect of our lives other than our relationships？ Esther Perel identifies some themes that may help you be more mindful of how to cultivate a strong relationship that is not totally devoid of eroticism。
IronMG
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The audio version takes this excellent book up a notch。
Melcat ♡
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Interesting read on the infinite quest for secure love VS lasting passion。 The title itself is what brought me to this book， as I found it hilarious。 The New York therapist Esther Perel underlines the contradictions between the wish for a stable， healthy and secure relationship with your significant other and the requirements for passion after the first few years of the “honeymoon phase”: risk， uncertainty and mystery。 Mating in Captivity depicts many stories of couples having this kind of issu Interesting read on the infinite quest for secure love VS lasting passion。 The title itself is what brought me to this book， as I found it hilarious。 The New York therapist Esther Perel underlines the contradictions between the wish for a stable， healthy and secure relationship with your significant other and the requirements for passion after the first few years of the “honeymoon phase”: risk， uncertainty and mystery。 Mating in Captivity depicts many stories of couples having this kind of issues， but it does not really gets practical in the way that you do not really get precise solutions。 It mostly consist of the author describing the couple’s issue， and then explaining why there are in this situation。 Not much on how to get them out of this rut， or even if they eventually did。 If you are in a long term relationship， or plan to be in one， this could be an interesting read。 The vocabulary seemed carefully selected and the experience was entertaining， however I cannot say that I do remember much of it after a couple of days。 The audiobook is read by the author， always a plus in my opinion。 。。。more
Nick
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I liked this。 There were several concepts that I hadn't come across before， and it's really led me to reevaluate how I think about sex and love and the relationship between the two。 I liked this。 There were several concepts that I hadn't come across before， and it's really led me to reevaluate how I think about sex and love and the relationship between the two。 。。。more
Bud
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Uitgelezen
words-are-medicine
，
Not for everyone but for those that relate this is spot on。 I read a lot of the one-star reviews because I had some reservations about the book。 It did make me feel a little depressed thinking everything in society is going against my desire for satisfying monogamy。 However， it was refreshing to hear that it’s somewhat normal not to feel indescribable depths of passion constantly for one person even though you love them。 It takes creativity and that’s ok。 Esther， in my opinion， is brilliant， and Not for everyone but for those that relate this is spot on。 I read a lot of the one-star reviews because I had some reservations about the book。 It did make me feel a little depressed thinking everything in society is going against my desire for satisfying monogamy。 However， it was refreshing to hear that it’s somewhat normal not to feel indescribable depths of passion constantly for one person even though you love them。 It takes creativity and that’s ok。 Esther， in my opinion， is brilliant， and I think some of her ideas come across radical but if you’ve read anything on differentiation they go right along with that。 She does point out in the beginning of the book that these characteristics do not fit everyone so maybe those who didn’t like her perspective are those she’s referring to。 In the end， this book was fascinating and I think many will feel relieved from it’s message。 。。。more
Philip Joubert
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Esther is a contrarian and is refreshingly non-judgemental about relationships and sex。 There's a heavy emphasis on sex in long term relationships， but some of the best insights were actually about the relationships themselves。Dynamics change over time， especially with kids， and Esther makes some very compelling non-intuitive arguments。 For instance， too much intimacy can in fact be bad for a relationship because it reduces individual identity。Part of the appeal of reading books is that you get Esther is a contrarian and is refreshingly non-judgemental about relationships and sex。 There's a heavy emphasis on sex in long term relationships， but some of the best insights were actually about the relationships themselves。Dynamics change over time， especially with kids， and Esther makes some very compelling non-intuitive arguments。 For instance， too much intimacy can in fact be bad for a relationship because it reduces individual identity。Part of the appeal of reading books is that you get to spend time inside the head of interesting people。 It turns out that Esther is a fun， sassy and doesn't take herself too seriously。 Would recommend a few evenings in her company :） If you're in a long-term relationship I would highly recommend this book。 。。。more
Caroline Hirko
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I love Esther Perel， I listen to her podcasts， saw her talk at SXSW， and am in her facebook discussion group。 This book has been on my TDL （along with the state of affairs） for a long time so I'm glad I finally read it。 Esther's therapy practice， ideas， and attitudes towards sex and eroticism are in tandem with my own， but it's one thing to believe in play， eroticism， mystery， distance， and another thing to practice it- especially during COVID stuck in the same house as your partner 24/7 for ove I love Esther Perel， I listen to her podcasts， saw her talk at SXSW， and am in her facebook discussion group。 This book has been on my TDL （along with the state of affairs） for a long time so I'm glad I finally read it。 Esther's therapy practice， ideas， and attitudes towards sex and eroticism are in tandem with my own， but it's one thing to believe in play， eroticism， mystery， distance， and another thing to practice it- especially during COVID stuck in the same house as your partner 24/7 for over a year！ Highly recommend this book to married and nonmarried couples。 It's a fun read。 。。。more
Xavier
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Direct and laid back， Perel offers an interesting exploration into the difficulties of maintaining passion in long term relationships that shaves down nuance from a psychological perspective。 While this book is admittedly heterosexual for most of its run and Perel doesn't take much time to acknowledge the gendered socialization she herself mentions， it is an interesting foray into how we make sense of eroticism and imagination。 Moreover， it offers useful tools to disentangle why our attraction f Direct and laid back， Perel offers an interesting exploration into the difficulties of maintaining passion in long term relationships that shaves down nuance from a psychological perspective。 While this book is admittedly heterosexual for most of its run and Perel doesn't take much time to acknowledge the gendered socialization she herself mentions， it is an interesting foray into how we make sense of eroticism and imagination。 Moreover， it offers useful tools to disentangle why our attraction for our partner may wane over time and what we can do to reclaim it。 。。。more
Rebecca
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Interesting book。 I didn't agree with all of the author's points but I appreciated that the author took a psychoanalytic and sociological lens to explain modern romantic relationships。 I think the author seems to take as a given that men will cheat， when she could have challenged this and contextualized it （toxic masculinity， patriarchy）。 I also think the author could have made more mention about the burden women often bear in infidelity - the emotional labor， the societal stigma if they stay。。。 Interesting book。 I didn't agree with all of the author's points but I appreciated that the author took a psychoanalytic and sociological lens to explain modern romantic relationships。 I think the author seems to take as a given that men will cheat， when she could have challenged this and contextualized it （toxic masculinity， patriarchy）。 I also think the author could have made more mention about the burden women often bear in infidelity - the emotional labor， the societal stigma if they stay。。。 。。。more
Tara
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Esther Perel。Esther Perel。Esther Perel。
Emma Grayson
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