The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity
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- Create Date：2021-06-29 09:53:28
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Sally Kohn
- ISBN：1616209399
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Summary
“Brilliantly illustrates the immense and disarming power of changing course and driving not toward division， but toward civility and mutual respect。” --Ms。 magazine
As a progressive commentator on Fox News and now CNN， Sally Kohn has made a career out of bridging intractable political differences。 In this age of dangerous partisan resentment and rising bigotry， she decided to investigate hate itself--to better consider how we can stop it。 With her trademark humor and humanity， Kohn introduces us to leading researchers and scientists who are exploring the evolutionary and cultural roots of hate。 She travels to Rwanda， to the Middle East， and across the United States， talking with former terrorists and reformed white supremacists， and even sitting down with some of her own Twitter trolls。 What she discovers is surprising: All of us harbor hate but the powerful acknowledgment that we are all in this together can lead us out of the wilderness。 The opposite of hate is connection。
As a progressive commentator on Fox News and now CNN， Sally Kohn has made a career out of bridging intractable political differences。 In this age of dangerous partisan resentment and rising bigotry， she decided to investigate hate itself--to better consider how we can stop it。 With her trademark humor and humanity， Kohn introduces us to leading researchers and scientists who are exploring the evolutionary and cultural roots of hate。 She travels to Rwanda， to the Middle East， and across the United States， talking with former terrorists and reformed white supremacists， and even sitting down with some of her own Twitter trolls。 What she discovers is surprising: All of us harbor hate but the powerful acknowledgment that we are all in this together can lead us out of the wilderness。 The opposite of hate is connection。
Reviews
Diane R Blomgren
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I really enjoyed this and recommended it to friends and family。
Ellie Syverud
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Despite the controversy （see others' reviews）， I liked the book。 lots of good analysis of the problem and some recommendations for solutions。 intrigued/encouraged to read about the groups working on peace between Israel & Palestine。 Despite the controversy （see others' reviews）， I liked the book。 lots of good analysis of the problem and some recommendations for solutions。 intrigued/encouraged to read about the groups working on peace between Israel & Palestine。 。。。more
Andrea McDowell
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I have mixed feelings and serious misgivings about this book。 This was a library impulse borrow， and was a quick read， but I don't think Kohn made the case she was trying to make。I see there's a lot of controversy surrounding how a quote by Aminatou Sow was used。 Ironically the reaction to that controversy does a lot more towards proving her point， for me， than her actual book did。 A lot of people seem to have taken the word of an internet figure they look up to but have never met and drawn a li I have mixed feelings and serious misgivings about this book。 This was a library impulse borrow， and was a quick read， but I don't think Kohn made the case she was trying to make。I see there's a lot of controversy surrounding how a quote by Aminatou Sow was used。 Ironically the reaction to that controversy does a lot more towards proving her point， for me， than her actual book did。 A lot of people seem to have taken the word of an internet figure they look up to but have never met and drawn a line in the sand which they are prepared to defend with their lives。 I don't myself see much difference in believing someone when they claim to have been misquoted， than believing that all quotes are accurate。 In both cases you are deciding to trust someone in a situation where you can't possibly verify。 FWIW， I looked it up， and Kohn maintained that the conversation was on the record， that she took notes during her interview with Sow， and that she has produced these notes to the relevant persons when the controversy erupted。 On the other hand， I'm not sure it matters。 One of the things that troubled me most greatly about Kohn's book was her relentless focus on examining forms of hate that she herself does not experience。 No part of this book is about misogyny or homophobia （the Pulse nightclub shooting is mentioned， but the impacts on victims and/or their feelings of hate or forgiveness journeys are not treated）， and anti-Semitism barely comes up， but anti-black racism is dealt with exhaustively。 And clumsily; regardless of the veracity of Sow's quote， how she and Oluo were used in the narrative was pretty gross。 Kohn should not be talking about how Black people should respond to violent bigotry。For this reason， if no other， it seems terribly unlikely that Sow's ideas will lead us towards repairing our humanity。 But also， I'm not sure the problems she outlines show disrepair in humanity。 They're clearly terrible and great crimes--I'm not standing up for genocide--but if， as she claims， almost everyone would participate in a genocide in the right conditions， how can it be claimed that this is contrary to humanity？ It might not be the humanity we aspire to， it's certainly not the kind of human I want to be， but it appears to be a very fixed part of *being human。*There's a good chunk of both-sidesism here （eg。 the right hates gays， women， black people， indigenous people， the poor， immigrants， scientists， and Democrats， but the left hates Nazis and Republicans， so they're pretty much equally bad！ etc。）， which I did not like。 I get she's going for both audiences and so didn't want to be perceived as banging on the right， but seriously， hating someone who wants to kill you is not the same thing as hating someone who wants to live in a nice house in proximity to yours， and they're not morally equivalent。 No matter how much we might wish we could make them so， and thereby simplify our journey to humanity-repair。 But what I mostly struggled with was， basically， her entire premise: that "hate" is bad and we should get rid of it。 I mean， it doesn't feel good。 There are people in the world who I hate and I don't enjoy feeling that way towards them， but on the balance of the evidence and substantial experience with those people， I think the hate is well earned。 Is that， in and of itself， a symptom of a terrible flaw or problem？ It's just a feeling。 I'm not attacking， trolling， abusing， or in any way harming the people I hate。 I think there's a lot of conflation of different mental and emotional processes under the banner of 'hate' （much like love， which can be applied as a term to anything from pasta to your spouse）。 And like all feelings， it has a context in which it is healthy and appropriate and continues to an organism's success， or it wouldn't have evolved。 I'm not an expert so this is just me theorizing out of my ass， but I think a kind of directed animosity that evolved in a social context where you had direct experience and interaction with every human being who touched on your life makes total sense。 Everyone you hated， very likely， would have been someone you knew， met， dealt with， and possibly who harmed you。 The problem today is that we're functioning as a society in which the vast majority of humans who affect our lives （whether the people who make the laws or the people who make our clothes） are people we never interact with at all， and hate is increasingly directed towards these shadowy Others， where it can fuel mass actions that have no connection anymore to hate's evolved context。 And the forms of connection Kohn talks about would likely help us reduce this kind of diffused hostility， but still， to me， the first priority is dealing with violent and hateful actions。 And towards that end， I do not believe a policy of unending and infinite Bridge Building is the best option。 Yes， we need bridge builders and connections between different political， ideological， religious， ethnic， racial， gender， etc。 communities， and a lot more than we have。 But we also need people who are willing to make firm decisions about what constitutes acceptable conduct， where their loyalties lie， and cut ties。 If all lefties or progressives became bridge builders or connectors， they'd just get walked all over by the right （or vice versa， if you think there's any actual chance of that happening）; the 'independent thinkers' Kohn champions in her books， the ones who think without guardrails， as she put it， are quite likely to have firm convictions that lead to cutting off relationships with those who violate their principles。 And that may involve some difficult emotions like anger and hate。 Oh well？ Or to put it another way: Kohn relies heavily on anecdotes about an incident where she bullied another child in elementary school。 Her ideas overall are heavily preoccupied by what the bully is thinking and feeling， how to convince the bully that they've behaved badly， how to have a productive conversation with bullies about bullying， how to forgive and not hate bullies， and so on。 But there's little to nothing here about their victims， just about the emotional reaction that victims often have towards their bullies （ie anger， hate） and what to do about those feelings， on the assumption that the feelings themselves are intrinsically， inherently bad。 But honestly， how the victims feel is no one's business but theirs。 Whether they feel hate towards their perpetrators and abusers for the rest of their lives is none of my concern。 We should preoccupy ourselves instead with how to protect potential victims from harm。 。。。more
Anne
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Not exactly what I expected but thought provoking。 I'm glad I read it。 Not exactly what I expected but thought provoking。 I'm glad I read it。 。。。more
trijnewijn
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Van haat die niet herkend/erkend wordt als haat omdat het zo in het systeem ingebakken zit， van trollen op het internet naar racisme， naar Israël-Palestina， naar de genocide in Rwanda。。。 Dit boek raakt veel onderwerpen aan en geeft er rake observaties over。 De schrijfster schrijft vanuit haar eigen achtergrond en dat merk je soms wel， maar ik denk niet dat iemand echt neutraal kan zijn。 Het opmerken en erkennen van je eigen vooroordelen en （onbewuste） haat wordt dan ook terecht meermaals aangeha Van haat die niet herkend/erkend wordt als haat omdat het zo in het systeem ingebakken zit， van trollen op het internet naar racisme， naar Israël-Palestina， naar de genocide in Rwanda。。。 Dit boek raakt veel onderwerpen aan en geeft er rake observaties over。 De schrijfster schrijft vanuit haar eigen achtergrond en dat merk je soms wel， maar ik denk niet dat iemand echt neutraal kan zijn。 Het opmerken en erkennen van je eigen vooroordelen en （onbewuste） haat wordt dan ook terecht meermaals aangehaald。 Soms wou ik dat de aangehaalde situaties of mensen nog diepgaander aan bod kwamen。 Maar ik denk dat er over zowat elk onderwerp al volledige boeken bestaan， dus misschien moet ik gewoon die lezen。In elk geval kan ik bij een van de volgende diepgaande gesprekken met de kinderen wél antwoorden op de vraag "wat is het tegengestelde van haat？" Het tegengestelde van liefde is onverschilligheid （haat eist ook passie en energie）。 Het tegengestelde van haat is verbondenheid。 Soms heb je een boek nodig om te zien wat voor de hand ligt。 。。。more
Sharon
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Sally Kohn provides a message we all need to hear in the era of wokeness and black squares- we all hate， we are all products of an exclusionary and oppressive society/culture， we are all biased and prejudiced， and most importantly， we all have the responsibility to examine ourselves and unlearn our biases
Sandy Shaposky
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I wanted to like it。。。 I just couldn't get into the writing。 The concept is solid， but it's a hard one to convey。 I wanted to like it。。。 I just couldn't get into the writing。 The concept is solid， but it's a hard one to convey。 。。。more
Ari
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Her reflection is good and well-meaning and the book is a perfect example of how we are all a long way away from knowing what actual compassion and acceptance of other people's dignity and worth is， as much as we read and work to outweigh our biases。It's quite shocking to realize that you can write the book and still not know how to be the person you want to be towards other humans。 Kohn wrote a book about hate and biases where the author takes their interviewees of color for granted。So I guess Her reflection is good and well-meaning and the book is a perfect example of how we are all a long way away from knowing what actual compassion and acceptance of other people's dignity and worth is， as much as we read and work to outweigh our biases。It's quite shocking to realize that you can write the book and still not know how to be the person you want to be towards other humans。 Kohn wrote a book about hate and biases where the author takes their interviewees of color for granted。So I guess it's good to have read this， if only to understand that as woke as I may feel， I'm still a long way from that。 The book did achieve that for me。Check out the other reviews here。 I didn't particularly enjoy this book but it did teach me things （even if not the ones the author wanted to convey）。This is -in case it's not clear- NOT a field guide of any kind。 I would not really recommend it。 。。。more
Shannon
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An all time favorite。 Anytime anyone asks for a book recommendation， I tell them this title。 This book changed， opened， and deepened many perspectives for me。 Well written， and considering the challenging topics， that's vital。 Parts of this book were incredibly difficult to get through， but so very necessary。It's a stark look at human behavior。Fact checking scandal and quote note: I encourage people to find a way to consume important pieces from imperfect literature。 Some of the worst books can An all time favorite。 Anytime anyone asks for a book recommendation， I tell them this title。 This book changed， opened， and deepened many perspectives for me。 Well written， and considering the challenging topics， that's vital。 Parts of this book were incredibly difficult to get through， but so very necessary。It's a stark look at human behavior。Fact checking scandal and quote note: I encourage people to find a way to consume important pieces from imperfect literature。 Some of the worst books can still have one important lesson or train of thought。 If a book can open new pathways for treating others with respect， and can help people view things from another perspective， I still find it worthy。 Regardless of the authors mistakes。 Which we can call out on of course， very important， but they are still human。 Humans make mistakes。 Humans do bad things。 Literally what the books about。The book itself still holds a lot of great content and value。 。。。more
Addie
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I find it ironic that I should finish this book on election day; this is not a book of how to love or forgive。 This book is purely a push to be a Democrat。 She lives her life with claiming a Democrat status as the highest focus of living。 I do NOT live my life with a political party at the top - at all！ I am not affilliated with any party。 Sally Kohn filled this with so many stories of hate and rarely any detail about how to love or forgive， that it was truly depressing。 She added gruesome， horr I find it ironic that I should finish this book on election day; this is not a book of how to love or forgive。 This book is purely a push to be a Democrat。 She lives her life with claiming a Democrat status as the highest focus of living。 I do NOT live my life with a political party at the top - at all！ I am not affilliated with any party。 Sally Kohn filled this with so many stories of hate and rarely any detail about how to love or forgive， that it was truly depressing。 She added gruesome， horrific details that never needed to be printed in order to get the gist of the tale。 She could have left those out and still her point would have come across。 I didn't need to read some of that in such explicit explanations to be rambling around in my head， defiling my brain and harming my soul。 I don't recommend this book to anyone。 It's filled with too much hate。 People need 20 examples of love and forgiveness to combat one example of evil。 This was backwards。 It was not helpful， except for the fact that she made to point to look deeper into how the situations got to be where they are to begin with。 That's the only good I take from this。 I won't choose to be a Democrat， I won't choose to share awful details， I won't choose to fill everyone with hate。 Don't read this book。。。it's sad。 。。。more
Olga
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 I am a bit torn about this book。。。 I really wanted to like it （I wanted to like it A LOT）， it has a really good message that I think most people need to hear living in today’s world。 However， the title is a little misleading， it does not focus a lot on the solution， rather explores examples of the problem （hate） in various situations and how those people that chose hate （a terrorist， a white supremacist， victims of the horrific times in Rwanda and even twitter trolls） were able to get past it。 M I am a bit torn about this book。。。 I really wanted to like it （I wanted to like it A LOT）， it has a really good message that I think most people need to hear living in today’s world。 However， the title is a little misleading， it does not focus a lot on the solution， rather explores examples of the problem （hate） in various situations and how those people that chose hate （a terrorist， a white supremacist， victims of the horrific times in Rwanda and even twitter trolls） were able to get past it。 My underlying “problem” with this book is that it does not have much in terms of original thought on the topic。 It reads （or in my case “hears” - I listened to it） like a book report that takes most of the material from other books and sources with some original interviews。 It also has what I thought was a lot of “fluf”。 The most valuable part of the book is that it does offer a possible solution （spoiler alert 🚨） - connections。 Connection through actual interaction with those we may “hate” and what the author calls “connection speech” （the author acknowledges that this was taught to her by the author of the book “compelling people”。） In that type of speech instead of getting angry and arguing with opposing views right away you would use the approach to - affairm， bridge， and convince。 Ultimately the book urges that we can and should be able to interact with people and act with respect and without hate， which does not mean that we agree with the views of those individuals！ Although I think it’s hard to do in practice， I do agree with that concept and goal。 。。。more
Nadia Busekrus
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Only was able to skim it but lots of great content
Christopher
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This was an amazing， encouraging， challenging， and relevant book。 Kohn's exploration of the various ways that hatred works its way through individual psyches to communities and even entire societies， with disastrous effects， brings poignant focus to the current social and political climate in the United States。 Particularly sobering is a chapter built around her discussion with perpetrators and survivors of the Rwandan genocide in 1994 and the similarities they see between what happened in their This was an amazing， encouraging， challenging， and relevant book。 Kohn's exploration of the various ways that hatred works its way through individual psyches to communities and even entire societies， with disastrous effects， brings poignant focus to the current social and political climate in the United States。 Particularly sobering is a chapter built around her discussion with perpetrators and survivors of the Rwandan genocide in 1994 and the similarities they see between what happened in their country and what is happening currently in the United States。 Kohn does an excellent job of recognizing that overcoming hatred and prejudice is a collective task for society， and requires self-examination and hard work from all individuals across the various spectra that society uses to divide people and groups。 I'd strongly recommend this book to anyone who cares deeply about this country and restoring its moral and social fabric。 。。。more
Renny Thomas
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I know there's controversy about her misquoting and not checking quotes but。。。The principles behind this book are things that everyone should read and understand and hopefully it will help when I feel myself getting pissed off talking to Trump supportering friends and relatives I know there's controversy about her misquoting and not checking quotes but。。。The principles behind this book are things that everyone should read and understand and hopefully it will help when I feel myself getting pissed off talking to Trump supportering friends and relatives 。。。more
Cindy
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Just what we all need to read in this moment in time。
Phuong Nguyen
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Love the ending and how it beautifully connects with the beginning
Michael
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I have been thinking a lot about hate lately。 Not really a surprise: this country is awash in it。 I've never seen anything like this in my 51 years in this world。 Republicans hate Democrats （and visa versa）。 Progressives hate conservatives。 White people hate black people。 Evangelicals hate gay people。 The Woke hate the unawoke。 The urban Left hates the rural Right。 Transgendered people hate TERFS。 And on and on and on in this endless web of rage。 The question I've been considering is， why？ Why i I have been thinking a lot about hate lately。 Not really a surprise: this country is awash in it。 I've never seen anything like this in my 51 years in this world。 Republicans hate Democrats （and visa versa）。 Progressives hate conservatives。 White people hate black people。 Evangelicals hate gay people。 The Woke hate the unawoke。 The urban Left hates the rural Right。 Transgendered people hate TERFS。 And on and on and on in this endless web of rage。 The question I've been considering is， why？ Why is everyone so freaking angry and miserable and filled with hatred？ As I have aged， perhaps become a bit more wise， I have come to the conclusion that the biggest obstacle to change is me。 I need to do the internal work of cleaning up my own mind， my own emotions， my own thinking before I can judge or criticize other people。 Within me are the seeds--and sometimes the saplings--of the very things I condemn in others。 I， too， have hated。 More often， I have allowed myself to be indifferent to the fruits of hatred: racism， sexism， bulling， unfairness， etc。 So understanding hatred begins by looking squarely in a mirror and taking what the good people at AA call 'a fearless moral inventory。' It's not pretty。 Second， I have come to think more about the word 'radical' during these days of Covid-19， racial protests and unrest， economic catastrophe， and political dysfunction。 The word radical comes from the Latin word radix， which means 'forming the root。' So to be radical means you are looking at the root causes of things。 The beginnings。 The cores。 The deep structures。 The origins。 And， today I am thinking and reading about the roots of hate。Why do humans hate？ First， evolution。 We have evolved to fear and distrust those who we do not know。 Second， grouping。 Humans group themselves， and have an in-group and an out-group。 These things are， literally， our nature。 Third， we view other people as being less complex than we are。 I am a good person who has these opinions， but those people。。。how typical of a （fill in the blank）。。。that's just what they are like。。。 （this is called attribution error， and essentialism）。 And then， of course， we have othering: It's not me， and it's certainly not us。 It's them！ It's their fault！ So add all that together and you get a potent stew: I fear those who are different， 'they' are not like me and my group， 'they' have essential qualities as a group， and 'they' are responsible for X， Y， and Z。 And by hating， I am in community with others who also hate。 I have a team！ I have an identity！ I belong。。。but 'they' don't。 Those are some powerful social and psychological forces。 Hatred is caused by fear。 It is seductive to those who feel as though they are being excluded， or cheated， or who think they are being denied something because of someone else。 It metastasizes when there is deprivation: poverty， unemployment， disorder。 Hatred is taught， not innate， and while the potential for hatred exists in all of us， so does the potential for compassion， altruism， cooperation， and community。 But let's be honest: we have the potential for the monstrous as well。 I witnessed the war in Bosnia up close when I was in the military， and I will not forget Rwanda。 The sanctions against Iraq in the mid-90s。 The Algerian civil war。 I saw it all。 Hatred is real。 And: there is a kind of passive hate （almost like a negative peace） that exists when people who have are simply indifferent to those who have not。 We all live in systems that exploit and oppress and destroy whether we like it or not。 Denying it is a kind of dull， thrumming hatred。 It is， as the philosopher said， the banality of evil。 I have a degree in Psychology， and there may have been a time when I knew all of this， but it's been many years since I've studied it。 This is a good book--smart but not too academic。 Thoughtful and comprehensive。 I'm glad that I read it。 It's given me a lot of reflect on。 。。。more
Shannon Marie Wagner
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Really solid overview of the origins and consequences of hate in all of us。
Elaine Goddard
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The book gives examples of hate at different levels， from internet trolls to genocide。 She interviews interesting people and， provides interesting examples to introduce and explain concepts such as competitive victimhood， implicit bias and others。 Ultimately the opposite of hate is human connection。
Meano101
，
Some nice ideas but a bit too preachy and changetheworldish
Doris
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This book is a must read for everyone， no matter your views。 The author makes a convincing argument that we are all haters even though we don’t think we are。 Engaging those people you disagree with makes you realize they are also human and helps you understand their perspective。 She also puts the information/arguments out there by presenting both sides as examples in order not to be picking on one side or the other。
Ira Livingston
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I read this because I can honestly say that I hate Trump， lividly he makes me really hate everything he says， lies and does。So I turned to this book to see if somehow I could take this negative feeling and make it a positive strength。 The phenomenal thing I learned is Sally Kohn’s approach st studying the topic。 It is a very interesting read more of a history of hatred and how it effects people in different ways。 And it’s not just within the United States but different areas around the world， an I read this because I can honestly say that I hate Trump， lividly he makes me really hate everything he says， lies and does。So I turned to this book to see if somehow I could take this negative feeling and make it a positive strength。 The phenomenal thing I learned is Sally Kohn’s approach st studying the topic。 It is a very interesting read more of a history of hatred and how it effects people in different ways。 And it’s not just within the United States but different areas around the world， and different periods of history as well。And I liked how some she interviewed changed their approach to division， once they found a commonality between themselves and whom they hated。Really worth looking at especially during the Trump era of division within this country。 。。。more
Carolyn Milliser Shepard
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I understand there is a controversy about some alleged misquotes by Ms。 Kohn。 But I did grasp some of the concepts the author presumably sought to convey。 It opened my eyes to my own prejudices that I am trying to change。 A lot of the content was over my head， but I am glad I read and I did get some understanding of the hatefulness going on in our world today and how naive my thinking has been。
Sophia Timm
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This was honestly a pretty refreshing read that’s broadened my perspectives of opening dialogues on constructive change and constantly building connections with people。
Barbara
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Interesting premise but not that good of a book。 Rehashing where and how biases come from and showing us how easily people can be taught to do bad things。 Only after I read the book， I saw that the author didn’t get permission and misquoted her “friend” so now I’m suspect of everything she has written in this book。 What a waste of time。
Alyza Raine
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I was soooooo interested and excited to read this book as it exactly fits my niche but reading these （https://jezebel。com/the-opposite-of-r。。。 and https://townhallseattle。org/a-stateme。。。） was such a major turn off。I'm still really interested with the premise though so I hope something like this gets produced again but with more thorough and respectful research。 I was soooooo interested and excited to read this book as it exactly fits my niche but reading these （https://jezebel。com/the-opposite-of-r。。。 and https://townhallseattle。org/a-stateme。。。） was such a major turn off。I'm still really interested with the premise though so I hope something like this gets produced again but with more thorough and respectful research。 。。。more
Susan Sherwin
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In today's polarized society， Sally Kohn's guide is a reminder of how hate foments and ways to consciously stop it。 The bottom line is that by making connections with others who believe differently than we do， we may be able to break down barriers。 This is an interesting book， much of which many of us learned in Psychology and Sociology courses。 In today's polarized society， Sally Kohn's guide is a reminder of how hate foments and ways to consciously stop it。 The bottom line is that by making connections with others who believe differently than we do， we may be able to break down barriers。 This is an interesting book， much of which many of us learned in Psychology and Sociology courses。 。。。more
Mindy
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Audio
Taira Meadowcroft
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I listened to this on audiobook。 I had issue with the writing style at parts and wanted less memoir and more research。 Still a good and quick read to help us understand that we are all capable of hate and how to combat that hate。
Katy
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