Autobiography

Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours

Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours

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  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-06-20 07:51:19
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Sarah Sentilles
  • ISBN：0593230035
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Summary

The moving story of what one woman learned from fostering a newborn--about injustice， about making mistakes， about how to better love and protect people beyond our immediate kin

May you always feel at home。

After their decision not to have a biological child， Sarah Sentilles and her husband， Eric， decide to adopt via the foster care system。 Despite knowing that the system's goal is the child's reunification with the birth family， Sarah opens their home to a flurry of social workers who question them， evaluate them， and ultimately prepare them to welcome a child into their lives--even if it means most likely having to give the child back。 After years of starts and stops， and endless navigation of the complexities and injustices of the foster care system， a phone call finally comes: a three-day-old baby girl named Coco， in immediate need of a foster family。 Sarah and Eric bring this newborn stranger home。

"You were never ours，" Sarah tells Coco， "yet we belong to each other。"

A love letter to Coco and to the countless children like her， Stranger Care chronicles Sarah's discovery of what it means to mother--in this case， not just a vulnerable infant but the birth mother who loves her， too。 Ultimately， Coco's story reminds us that we depend on family， and that family can take different forms。 With prose that Nick Flynn has called "fearless， stirring， rhythmic，" Sentilles lays bare an intimate， powerful story with universal concerns: How can we care for and protect one another？ How do we ensure a more hopeful future for life on this planet？ And if we're all related--tree， bird， star， person--how might we better live？

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Reviews

Linda ，

Absolutely devastating。

Sarah Guldenbrein ，

Good god， everything about this book is devastating。 It's very beautiful written， I'll give you that。 But I just feel like the author and her partner were shockingly naive， and that made the whole thing even more devastating and less pleasurable reading than it could have been。 Good god， everything about this book is devastating。 It's very beautiful written， I'll give you that。 But I just feel like the author and her partner were shockingly naive， and that made the whole thing even more devastating and less pleasurable reading than it could have been。 。。。more

Amanda Russcol ，

I haven't cried that hard in a long time。 This book is beautiful， and so honest。 I haven't cried that hard in a long time。 This book is beautiful， and so honest。 。。。more

Lauren ，

4。5

Jennifer ，

I have some peripheral exposure to the foster care / court system but even so， this well-written memoir shocked me in the worst way。 Brace yourself to learn about the process from deep within it。 Witness the uneven application of policy and rules of law。 The book will frustrate your mind and slice your heart in two。

Suzanne ，

Interesting story about the love and heartbreak of foster care。 Listening to the audiobook was difficult bc the author read it in a very monotone voice - detracted from the emotional story。

Robynne Berg ，

Sarah's moving， heartbreaking and edifying book will stay with me for a long time。 It leads you from hope to despair and back to hope。 It leaves you deeply concerned about how government policy can be spurious and behaviours ulitmately keep the oppressed and traumatised in their place。 But mostly， this book is about love。 The juxtaposition of Sarah's story as a foster parent with stories from nature connects the reader with the universality of this story of stranger care。 Sarah's love for her f Sarah's moving， heartbreaking and edifying book will stay with me for a long time。 It leads you from hope to despair and back to hope。 It leaves you deeply concerned about how government policy can be spurious and behaviours ulitmately keep the oppressed and traumatised in their place。 But mostly， this book is about love。 The juxtaposition of Sarah's story as a foster parent with stories from nature connects the reader with the universality of this story of stranger care。 Sarah's love for her foster daughter echos through nature， the trees， the mountains， the rivers， the fauna。 And the reader too。 。。。more

Anastasia Merriken ，

I’ve been interested in being involved in foster care in some capacity for a while， even if it’d just respite care， so this book piqued my interest。 This story broke my heart wide open。 A beautiful （and painful） reminder of the vulnerability that love and parenting requires of us， and that it is worth it。 A glimpse into the messy， bureaucratic， and difficult world that is the foster care system。 A reminder that we live in a fragile world。 The writing is absolutely stunning。 This book will stay w I’ve been interested in being involved in foster care in some capacity for a while， even if it’d just respite care， so this book piqued my interest。 This story broke my heart wide open。 A beautiful （and painful） reminder of the vulnerability that love and parenting requires of us， and that it is worth it。 A glimpse into the messy， bureaucratic， and difficult world that is the foster care system。 A reminder that we live in a fragile world。 The writing is absolutely stunning。 This book will stay with me a long time。 。。。more

Theresa Smith ，

Thank you for the ARC。 This book is a quick read and a good look into foster care system。 This book really teaches that we must do better for children。 I enjoyed the sections with the child but found the many mini essays irrelevant and distracting。

Daniel Data ，

I Want Nothing Less than to be a Parent Myself。 I Hate Not Knowing what Happens Next。

Crystal ，

3。5

Anna ，

Compelling， eye opening。 The narrative reads like an account of events， but despite being a bit dry it is still heart wrenching。 The author alternates between telling her story of becoming and being a foster parent， with brief snippets and drawing parallels to what it means to be a parent in the natural world， examining psychological studies， animals in the wild， etc in inventive ways。

Sandy Stern ，

Beautifully written， stunning memoir。 Highly recommend。

Trish Ryan ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 So many thoughts about this book。 Perhaps the most surprising to me is that the author’s experience fostering a baby in Idaho parallels my experience fostering a 3 year old in New England almost exactly - everything from the distracted and disinterested （often dishonest） social workers， to the total disregard accorded foster parents， to the chaos of the family group meeting， to the rapid （and often random） reunification plan with total disregard for the best interest of the child。 It is a grim s So many thoughts about this book。 Perhaps the most surprising to me is that the author’s experience fostering a baby in Idaho parallels my experience fostering a 3 year old in New England almost exactly - everything from the distracted and disinterested （often dishonest） social workers， to the total disregard accorded foster parents， to the chaos of the family group meeting， to the rapid （and often random） reunification plan with total disregard for the best interest of the child。 It is a grim system， and I really appreciated the effort Sentilles made to chronicle this harrowing， heartbreaking journey。 She gets the details right， and this should be required reading for anyone considering foster parenting （especially if your real hope is to adopt）。That said， the never-ending string of asides about birds and rhinos and elephants and testing on monkeys。。。。and the several weird tangents about the mothering instincts of trees。。。。and the story of a woman who inserted the parts of a dismembered rabbit into herself then pretended to give birth to them （in order to escape poverty）？！？ These detracted from the narrative， to say the least。 I”m not sure what the point was of any of this。 To create breathing space in the midst of a suffocating story， perhaps？ To convince us that we’re all connected （she claims such connection with whales and a canoe at one point， but by then I was just skimming these sections）。 Editing reality would have helped here， as the author did a great job of drawing us in to this compelling story， only to fling us out again and again into these strange claims and anecdotes。 In this way， this book is BIZARRE。That said。。。the part about fostering - what it’s really like - is worth the time and attention required to skim the weird parts for anyone considering entering this world。 Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for providing a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review。 。。。more

Kelly Roberson ，

There are not enough stars for how good this book is。

Alisa ，

The author's memoir of navigating the foster care system is absolutely heartbreaking。 Sentilles does a masterful job of balancing her reflections on the natural world with the account of her and her husband caring for an infant girl， and the result is a propulsive read。 The author's memoir of navigating the foster care system is absolutely heartbreaking。 Sentilles does a masterful job of balancing her reflections on the natural world with the account of her and her husband caring for an infant girl， and the result is a propulsive read。 。。。more

Gloria Thompson ，

The author tells a tragic story of her experience being a foster parent。 This book gives a glimpse into the system as a whole and how broken it is。 I would highly recommend the audiobook。

Karen ，

3。5。 Powerful and devastating。 Did not enjoy the parts that were not about Coco。

Erin ，

Beautiful， lyrical and heartbreaking。

Sandy ，

How heartrending。I've been diving into the rabbit hole of foster care and this is a very important look into the system and motherhood。While it was specific to the Sentilles' experience， Sarah made the effort to also touched poignantly on other related topics: Refugees， life on reservations， addiction， domestic abuse， etc。 I feel so much for both parties。 This is a series of repeated heartbreaks。 How heartrending。I've been diving into the rabbit hole of foster care and this is a very important look into the system and motherhood。While it was specific to the Sentilles' experience， Sarah made the effort to also touched poignantly on other related topics: Refugees， life on reservations， addiction， domestic abuse， etc。 I feel so much for both parties。 This is a series of repeated heartbreaks。 。。。more

Jennifer M。 ，

I got two copies of this one， so I will review for both （this is the first review）， and while I did find this book somewhat problematic， I did enjoy it。 I'll go into further details for my second review， but I'd say 3/5 stars。 I got two copies of this one， so I will review for both （this is the first review）， and while I did find this book somewhat problematic， I did enjoy it。 I'll go into further details for my second review， but I'd say 3/5 stars。 。。。more

Emily ，

I love memoir and I really appreciated the honesty and vulnerability the author showed。 Having said that， I have conflicted feelings about basically everything in this book。 Which， I think was the point？ The whole time I couldn't help but think WHYYYY are they choosing to go through this so unnecessarily？？ She knew all along that adoption via foster care was so unlikely， and that her personal goal， adoption， conflicted with the very clear goal of the state， which is reunification。 It smells slig I love memoir and I really appreciated the honesty and vulnerability the author showed。 Having said that， I have conflicted feelings about basically everything in this book。 Which， I think was the point？ The whole time I couldn't help but think WHYYYY are they choosing to go through this so unnecessarily？？ She knew all along that adoption via foster care was so unlikely， and that her personal goal， adoption， conflicted with the very clear goal of the state， which is reunification。 It smells slightly of a martyr complex。 Also， I feel like she had to have exaggerated and oversimplified nearly all of the dialogue between herself and everyone working for DHS。 I understand people say dumb things， and I get there were complicated feelings she was trying to convey about the relationships between her and the social workers， but seriously， some of it was so obviously。。。。just dumb。 I don't normally bother writing reviews， but whew， this book gave me feelings！ 。。。more

Veronica Patrice ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 I read this book in 24 hours。 It was well written and a very realistic look at the foster care system。 But， I found myself getting frustrated with Sarah。 She is incredibly naive。 She doesn’t seem to get it that the point of foster care is to reunify with the biological parents。 I felt frustrated when she kept turning down foster care placements because she only wanted a baby。 The point of foster care is to care for children in need until they can go back to their families not for people to get a I read this book in 24 hours。 It was well written and a very realistic look at the foster care system。 But， I found myself getting frustrated with Sarah。 She is incredibly naive。 She doesn’t seem to get it that the point of foster care is to reunify with the biological parents。 I felt frustrated when she kept turning down foster care placements because she only wanted a baby。 The point of foster care is to care for children in need until they can go back to their families not for people to get a baby。 I don’t understand why she agreed for Eric to get the vasectomy if she wanted a baby so bad。 I wonder if he pressured her into agreeing because he didn’t want a baby。 It seems like things would have been much easier if Sarah would have just gotten pregnant and had her own baby。 。。。more

Sara ，

Halfway in comment: O the melodrama！ Written by/about the most humorless people on earth。 Someone who reads the New Yorker without a hint of irony and copies the style。 First section where nothing much happens is too long so far。 Hopefully it will turn around。Finished: It did turn around， somewhat。 Still way too much random animal facts disguised as some profound truth about。。。something。 The space dedicated to that would have been much better served with some journalism about the child welfare s Halfway in comment: O the melodrama！ Written by/about the most humorless people on earth。 Someone who reads the New Yorker without a hint of irony and copies the style。 First section where nothing much happens is too long so far。 Hopefully it will turn around。Finished: It did turn around， somewhat。 Still way too much random animal facts disguised as some profound truth about。。。something。 The space dedicated to that would have been much better served with some journalism about the child welfare system。 But at least something did happen plot-wise， and the story was tragic， but also all too common。 IDK， hard to get over the author。 。。。more

Sarah ，

This is one of the best books I have ever read。 Informative。

Sophia Geron ，

This book was heartbreaking and gorgeously written。 I will return to this memoir again and again。 Also I will never ask people if they have children again， only prompt them to tell me about their family。

Kimmie ，

I really loved the memoir aspect of this book and was riveted by the description of her experience as a foster mom。 I was bored by the alternating sections about nature and dreams- I know the point was to relate her experience of mothering to things in nature but it felt like way too many examples to me。

Patricia ，

Real life drama Great story well written filled with emotion and love。 I thought the story would end differently but it was uplighting

Jules ，

I really thought I would love this book， given it covers so many areas of interest for me - alternative kinship structures， family， adoption/fostering， social work systems， trauma。 I found myself judging Sarah and her husband mercilessly for their naivety and sense of entitlement shrouded in whale metaphors and seemingly selfless ideologies - I can't think of anything more selfish than the desire to own or possess a child which you have no claim to， as if any person can truly be owned by another I really thought I would love this book， given it covers so many areas of interest for me - alternative kinship structures， family， adoption/fostering， social work systems， trauma。 I found myself judging Sarah and her husband mercilessly for their naivety and sense of entitlement shrouded in whale metaphors and seemingly selfless ideologies - I can't think of anything more selfish than the desire to own or possess a child which you have no claim to， as if any person can truly be owned by another anyway。 I feel for everyone in this book because it's truly a case of nobody winning， and I need to talk about it IRL over a glass of wine！！ 。。。more

Becky ，

Sarah Sentilles writes about her time as the foster mother of a baby who came to live with them at the age of 3 days old。 In beautifully composed paragraphs that often read like poetry， she describes the exhilarating， fierce love mothers feel and the brokenness in the agencies charged with child protection。As a foster mother， this book was often so painfully accurate I had to stop reading for a minute to catch my breath。 The way strangers start up conversations and feel entitled to information， Sarah Sentilles writes about her time as the foster mother of a baby who came to live with them at the age of 3 days old。 In beautifully composed paragraphs that often read like poetry， she describes the exhilarating， fierce love mothers feel and the brokenness in the agencies charged with child protection。As a foster mother， this book was often so painfully accurate I had to stop reading for a minute to catch my breath。 The way strangers start up conversations and feel entitled to information， the way people will tell you awful stories， the frustrating lack of communication from state agencies， the conflicting information they give， the invasive questions， and reunification as a goal above all else。 And， more joyfully， the way family and friends embrace the child and welcome her and the way they realize they have to be the child’s advocate since no one in the process knows more than they do about her。I really enjoyed how she interspersed it with stories of how animals in the wild care for their young， the interconnectedness between living things in the world， the way motherhood and nurturing exist in creation。 It contrasted with her husband’s view that “the world is indifferent to suffering” and it felt like there were two main conflicts and sources of grief in this book。 First， her desire to be a mother bumping up against a system that only values and aims to reunify biological families and second， her search for deeper meaning and belonging。 A previous memoir of hers is about her leaving organized religion and I’m very curious about that process because the trail of loss is still evident in these pages。 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0