The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the international bestselling relationship expert
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- Create Date：2021-05-10 08:55:48
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：John M. Gottman
- ISBN：184188295X
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Summary
According to most relationship books， the key to a solid marriage is communication， communication， communication。 Phooey， says John Gottman， Ph。D。， author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail。 There's much more to a solid， "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought， he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively （and expensively） harp on these concepts。
Gottman， the director of the Gottman Institute， has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce。 He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for， using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples。 （One standout is Rory， the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work。）
Gottman debunks many myths about divorce （primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits）。 He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together。 They do engage in screaming matches。 And they certainly don't resolve every problem。 "Take Allan and Betty，" he writes。 "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty， he turns on ESPN。 When Betty is upset with him， she heads for the mall。 Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened。 Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship。" While this may sound like a couple in trouble， Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply。"
Through a series of in-depth quizzes， checklists， and exercises， similar to the ones he uses in his workshops， Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage。 His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce （including that of Rory， the out-of-touch doctor） and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening。 --Erica Jorgensen
Reviews
Oksana
，
доказово про стосунки， готові перевірені й доведені багаторічними науковими дослідженнями методи побудови міцного шлюбу。 книжці вже чимало років， купа перевидань， в тому числі доповнених， і що？ людям все одно треба магічна пігулка， а рекомендації працювати над собою і стосунками， хай і науково обґрунтовані， не підійдуть ）шкода， що нема в переліку україномовного видання， обкладинка наша хороша
Spring Fox
，
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Pomoestudio
，
Interesante enfoque
Brittany David
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I first heard about John Gottman on Dax Shepard’s podcast。 It was a great episode and from what he mentioned on the podcast I felt like I would enjoy his books。 Everyone in a committed relationship should read this book！ Actionable steps to grow closer in your marriage and communicate better。 Not a fluffy motivational book about marriage but a tactical book that gives you strategies and and activities to work through as a couple。 This will be a book I refer to for years to come！ I will 100% be r I first heard about John Gottman on Dax Shepard’s podcast。 It was a great episode and from what he mentioned on the podcast I felt like I would enjoy his books。 Everyone in a committed relationship should read this book！ Actionable steps to grow closer in your marriage and communicate better。 Not a fluffy motivational book about marriage but a tactical book that gives you strategies and and activities to work through as a couple。 This will be a book I refer to for years to come！ I will 100% be reading his other books。 。。。more
Nehal Nassif
，
4。5The missing half star is due to too much repetitions of some ideas and concepts。
Shemaya Marcel
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Truly saved my marriage
Nadine
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A lot of open doors， maybe because this book has become indirectly prolific in pop-culture。I was hoping for a collection of fun（ny） examples and anecdotes， but although there are a few， this is mainly a workbook with lots of lists and exercises。 I guess this could be useful and/or fun to go through together， however I listened to this on audio， which is not ideal for questionnaires XD
Sean
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Misnamed。 It should have been titled， "The Seven Principles for Saving Your Death-Spiraling Marriage which is Surely Going Down in Flames！" Probably two-thirds of the book is all about how to treat another human being with basic civility。 It was difficult for me to relate to the examples provided of marital issues， because the couples in these examples were filled with such disdain and vitriol towards each other to the point of pure toxicity。 Whereas my experience with marital discord has always Misnamed。 It should have been titled， "The Seven Principles for Saving Your Death-Spiraling Marriage which is Surely Going Down in Flames！" Probably two-thirds of the book is all about how to treat another human being with basic civility。 It was difficult for me to relate to the examples provided of marital issues， because the couples in these examples were filled with such disdain and vitriol towards each other to the point of pure toxicity。 Whereas my experience with marital discord has always been rather subtle and nuanced with each partner having a tremendous amount of appreciation and respect to begin with， and only trying to overcome misunderstandings。 Very pedestrian in its concepts of discovering each other， giving each other space and treating each other with decency。This book was also heavy-handed on numerous quizzes and exercises to the point of coming across as more of a workbook （if not an entire curriculum for a week-long workshop）。 Don't get me wrong。 I think there is value in most of these exercises， not that they are particularly innovative， or provide the silver bullet solutions to specific problems that exist between couples。 But the value is in having ANY excuse to just communicate！ There is power in discussing personal or sensitive topics with each other， and listening with an open and non-judgmental mind。 This book provides many ideas and opportunities for doing just that。My only other complaint is in the age of the book。 It is clearly written with heterosexual married couples in mind。 Though the practices should generally be applicable for all types of mixed-gender domestic partnerships。Recommendations？ Yes， if you are either on the verge of divorce， or if you are looking for some good quizzes and exercises to add to your toolbox for getting to know and communicate with each other better。 It was not unhelpful。 I thought it was okay。 It just was not as relevant for me where I am looking for graduate-study relationship curriculum instead of Marriage 101。 。。。more
Cynthia
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I am sure this would work。 The questions are good for self awareness at least。 But， if your partner doesn't take it seriously enough when you try over and over to get them to do it with you。。。。it gets very discouraging to be the only one doing it。 Guess we fall into the can't be saved area。 I am sure this would work。 The questions are good for self awareness at least。 But， if your partner doesn't take it seriously enough when you try over and over to get them to do it with you。。。。it gets very discouraging to be the only one doing it。 Guess we fall into the can't be saved area。 。。。more
Caroline
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On the whole I really liked this and found it valuable for myself and my partner。 We read it together and the quizzes and exercises really helped！ There are a few places where this is a little narrowly focused （primarily married heterosexual couples， assumes porn is bad）， but generally it was very helpful。
Moses Yuriyvich Mikheyev
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A helpful guide to romantic relationships。 In addition， the suggestions in the text can help with interpersonal relationships as well。
Anjali
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The book is well laid out。 Though most of his work is based on extensive research， he limits that to the initial chapters， and does not overwhelm the reader with too many stats in the chapters that describe the Principles and habits。Most of the principles make sense， and is worth a try out。 At the end of each principle， there's exercises with printable worksheets that you can do which will immediately boost your relationship。 Even just completing the exercises without reading the book should pro The book is well laid out。 Though most of his work is based on extensive research， he limits that to the initial chapters， and does not overwhelm the reader with too many stats in the chapters that describe the Principles and habits。Most of the principles make sense， and is worth a try out。 At the end of each principle， there's exercises with printable worksheets that you can do which will immediately boost your relationship。 Even just completing the exercises without reading the book should prove useful。 。。。more
Elise
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Pretty intuitive stuff for me， but good to hear。 Noticed a few things we do。
Anjuna Harper
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I came for the psychology， half of these excersize are to do with your long term partner （obviously， so a lot of it is skipable。 Heres an "exercize to do when child rearing"）。 So the four horseman metaphor has changed my life， I knew the bids for connection one， the solvable and unsolvable issue one LOL got the damn t-shirt。 The main takeaway 'as long as there are fond memories in place there is always a chance of saving a relationship， even if it means professional intervention。' I came for the psychology， half of these excersize are to do with your long term partner （obviously， so a lot of it is skipable。 Heres an "exercize to do when child rearing"）。 So the four horseman metaphor has changed my life， I knew the bids for connection one， the solvable and unsolvable issue one LOL got the damn t-shirt。 The main takeaway 'as long as there are fond memories in place there is always a chance of saving a relationship， even if it means professional intervention。' 。。。more
Kelli
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If you and your partner have intense arguments or have trouble enjoying each other at times， this is the book for you。 The work of scientific studies on happily married couples and divorced couples， what makes happy marriages work。 Spoiler alert--happy marriage still include annoyances， arguments， and differences。 But how they deal with them。。。。！
Zoe
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I will forever be thankful that this book showed me just how over my marriage was。 Now reading it again four years later， my current partner and I have had fun moving through the exercises and getting to know each other on a deeper level。 We also discovered that there is virtually nothing we disagree on which is kind of amazing。
Kylie
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This is a great， practical guide to learning respect。 I loved the underlying theme that any couple can work at a marriage if they both truly choose to。 It doesn't criticize those who don't choose to， but guides those who do。 I love the realistic expectation that two people can have conflicts that are never resolved， but that there are ways to still respect each other and offer support amid those conflicts。 Great read！ This is a great， practical guide to learning respect。 I loved the underlying theme that any couple can work at a marriage if they both truly choose to。 It doesn't criticize those who don't choose to， but guides those who do。 I love the realistic expectation that two people can have conflicts that are never resolved， but that there are ways to still respect each other and offer support amid those conflicts。 Great read！ 。。。more
Shenea Lowery
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Like to read
Alyssa Cerretti
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I thought this book was very well written and fair to both men and women’s typical traits and priorities。 There is a lot of great practical advice and simple exercises。 I listened to the audiobook， which wasn’t as beneficial since there are a lot of questionnaires and activities where you’d need to write something down or circle an answer， and you can’t easily do that if listening in the car。 I would highly recommend the paperback version of this book。
Lisa Filipczak
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This was recommended to me and I’d recommend it to others， whether married or not。 There are many thought provoking questionnaires， tactics and relationship profiles throughout and I got a lot out of this book。
Kristina Carter
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A marriage book based on research in the Love Lab？ I wasn’t sure what to expect， but I was surprised！ Great book， good principles， immediately applicable exercises。
Patrice Secrist
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I agree with previous reviews that there is a lot of ego going on， but the book has helpful exercises and insights。 My biggest criticism of the book is that the author goes out of his way to be unnecessarily sexist。 It reminds me of a self defense class when the instructor asked the women in the room to listen closely， because they have bags and ponytails that criminals can grab。 While this is true， men also sometimes have ponytails and bags and small frames/muscles。 Should they not listen just I agree with previous reviews that there is a lot of ego going on， but the book has helpful exercises and insights。 My biggest criticism of the book is that the author goes out of his way to be unnecessarily sexist。 It reminds me of a self defense class when the instructor asked the women in the room to listen closely， because they have bags and ponytails that criminals can grab。 While this is true， men also sometimes have ponytails and bags and small frames/muscles。 Should they not listen just as closely？ What good does it do to call out one gender when it’s an individual issue that could apply to either gender， regardless of overall percentages。 All it does is make the less gender-compliant person either not pay attention， or feel like a freak。 It’s absolutely not necessary and potentially damaging。 I get that he’s probably from a different generation， but I hopes he figures out why it’s so important to him to assign gender to every thought， feeling， and behavior and just stops。Also， I liked the case studies， they really helped illustrate the concepts in the book。 。。。more
Stevie Evans
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Good book to read together！ For all those interested in curating a healthy lifelong partnership。
Angy - Books Lover
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Super consigliato！Avevo tra i libri da leggere un altro di Gottman ma ho trovato prima questo。Ho letto in passato "intelligenza emotiva" di Goleman e mi era piaciuto tantissimo， quindi ho pensato che potesse essere molto interessante approfondire il tema anche lato coppia。Gottman illustra i 7 principi che sono alla base di un rapporto solido e duraturo。 Alcune cose forse scontate ma è bene ricordare soprattutto quando gli anni iniziano a passare， altri concetti sono stati una piacevole scoperta。 Super consigliato！Avevo tra i libri da leggere un altro di Gottman ma ho trovato prima questo。Ho letto in passato "intelligenza emotiva" di Goleman e mi era piaciuto tantissimo， quindi ho pensato che potesse essere molto interessante approfondire il tema anche lato coppia。Gottman illustra i 7 principi che sono alla base di un rapporto solido e duraturo。 Alcune cose forse scontate ma è bene ricordare soprattutto quando gli anni iniziano a passare， altri concetti sono stati una piacevole scoperta。A grandi linee questi concetti si possono applicare a tutti i rapporti sociali， non solo nella coppia ;） 。。。more
Cassidy
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Practical ideas I’ve already started using。 This is a book I’ll probably refer to frequently
Petr Němec
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3-4* nevím :））uvědomíte jak zapracovat na některých situacích vztahu nebo co třeba děláte blbě naprosto neúmyslně。 Jinak najdete za každou kapitolou kvízy a různé cvičení， které nikdy neuděláte ，）
Vic Kang
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Fantastic book because it has great explanations， examples and directions on what to do。 Reads more like a manual than just a bunch theory。 Because of the quizzes and directions on what to do， I would not recommend this as an audio book as it is to hard to follow along that way。
Kelsey Fanelli
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4/5
Trheerab
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this book is very excelent
Amanda
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