¡Hola Papi!: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons
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- Create Date：2021-08-01 18:21:09
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：John Paul Brammer
- ISBN：B08RPBCK4T
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Summary
From popular LGBTQ advice columnist and writer John Paul Brammer comes a hilarious， heartwarming memoir-in-essays chronicling his journey growing up as a queer， mixed-race Chicano kid in American’s heartland to becoming the “Picante Carrie Bradshaw” of his generation。
The first time someone called John Paul （JP） Brammer “Papi” was on the popular gay hookup app Grindr。 At first， it was flattering; JP took this as white-guy speak for “hey， handsome。” Who doesn’t want to be called handsome？ But then it happened again and again…and again， leaving JP wondering: Who the hell is Papi？
What started as a racialized moniker given to him on a hookup app soon became the inspiration for his now wildly popular advice column “¡Hola Papi！”， launching his career as the Cheryl Strayed for young queer people everywhere—and some straight people too。 JP had his doubts at first—what advice could he really offer while he himself stumbled through his early 20s？ Sometimes the best advice to dole outcomes from looking within， which is what JP has done in his column and book—and readers have flocked to him for honest， heartfelt wisdom， and of course a few laughs。
In ¡Hola Papi！， JP shares his story of growing up biracial and in the closet against the backdrop of America’s heartland， while attempting to answer some of life’s toughest questions: How do I let go of the past？ How do I become the person I want to be？ Is there such a thing as being too gay？ Should I hook up with my grade school bully now that he’s out of the closet？ Questions we’ve all asked ourselves， surely。
With wit and wisdom in equal measure， ¡Hola Papi！ is for anyone—gay， straight， and everything in between—who has ever taken stock of their unique place in the world， offering considered advice， intelligent discourse， and fits of laughter along the way。 As #1 New York Times bestselling author Shea Serrano says: “I loved ¡Hola Papi！ I’m certain you will too。”
The first time someone called John Paul （JP） Brammer “Papi” was on the popular gay hookup app Grindr。 At first， it was flattering; JP took this as white-guy speak for “hey， handsome。” Who doesn’t want to be called handsome？ But then it happened again and again…and again， leaving JP wondering: Who the hell is Papi？
What started as a racialized moniker given to him on a hookup app soon became the inspiration for his now wildly popular advice column “¡Hola Papi！”， launching his career as the Cheryl Strayed for young queer people everywhere—and some straight people too。 JP had his doubts at first—what advice could he really offer while he himself stumbled through his early 20s？ Sometimes the best advice to dole outcomes from looking within， which is what JP has done in his column and book—and readers have flocked to him for honest， heartfelt wisdom， and of course a few laughs。
In ¡Hola Papi！， JP shares his story of growing up biracial and in the closet against the backdrop of America’s heartland， while attempting to answer some of life’s toughest questions: How do I let go of the past？ How do I become the person I want to be？ Is there such a thing as being too gay？ Should I hook up with my grade school bully now that he’s out of the closet？ Questions we’ve all asked ourselves， surely。
With wit and wisdom in equal measure， ¡Hola Papi！ is for anyone—gay， straight， and everything in between—who has ever taken stock of their unique place in the world， offering considered advice， intelligent discourse， and fits of laughter along the way。 As #1 New York Times bestselling author Shea Serrano says: “I loved ¡Hola Papi！ I’m certain you will too。”
Reviews
Luke Spooner
，
This was VERY GOOD。 I went into it thinking it was gonna be lighthearted and fun， and parts of it certainly were but some of it was also quite sexy and a lot of it hit my heart like a tonne of bricks。This book is real af。
Glen Helfand
，
Advice columns， while addressing others， are really all about the advisor。 I've become a fan of Sarah Silverman's podcast because even though she's known as a comedian， she reveals a real and humane perspective， allowing for stories of her own life to illustrate her advice to others。 Sarah's a good egg， and so is John Paul Brammer， whose social media advice column "Hola Papi" I've never read。 There's a 'how-to' on the title， but his book is a memoir structured though questions from readers。 Like Advice columns， while addressing others， are really all about the advisor。 I've become a fan of Sarah Silverman's podcast because even though she's known as a comedian， she reveals a real and humane perspective， allowing for stories of her own life to illustrate her advice to others。 Sarah's a good egg， and so is John Paul Brammer， whose social media advice column "Hola Papi" I've never read。 There's a 'how-to' on the title， but his book is a memoir structured though questions from readers。 Like Silverman， he's warm， self-deprecating and funny。 But more often， the tone is revealing and vulnerable， particularly in passages about being bullied and suicidal in middle school， and later telling a layered tale of a messy， messed up relationship and owning his naiveté。 He writes about being mixed race， trying to find identity in ethnicity as well as gender （when he shops for a flouncy， filmy top that looks terrible on him）。 Each of the twelve narratives begin with a question from a reader， a gesture that makes it clear that he's in the same boat as most other gay men， is navigating the specific contradictions and cliches that come with that territory。 But there is a humanity to his subjects， a universality about the desire to be seen and loved。 Brammer narrates this audio version， and it's great to hear his actual voice， something that makes his book more personal and affecting。 。。。more
Jameil
，
3。5 stars John Paul has a lovely， easy-to-read voice。 The structure of this book is so fitting for an advice columnist。 Some stories were sad， some happy， most quite thoughtful。 One of the better memoirs I’ve read this year。
Lindsay Hughes
，
I enjoyed this！ I'm interested in this new crop of memoirs/semi-autobiographical books coming out from self-proclaimed Internet People。 I knew of JP Brammer from Twitter （though had never read any of his work）， so expected this to be pretty funny， and I was right！ I thought the format of this was clever-- a mesh of self-help and memoir combined， with each essay starting with an Hola Papi！ question。 The essays sometimes took a little bit to get where they were going， and like with a lot of essay I enjoyed this！ I'm interested in this new crop of memoirs/semi-autobiographical books coming out from self-proclaimed Internet People。 I knew of JP Brammer from Twitter （though had never read any of his work）， so expected this to be pretty funny， and I was right！ I thought the format of this was clever-- a mesh of self-help and memoir combined， with each essay starting with an Hola Papi！ question。 The essays sometimes took a little bit to get where they were going， and like with a lot of essay collections， some were stronger than others， but there were some really poignant ones that I think a lot of confused 20-somethings can relate to。 Although the stories are about JP Brammer's experiences， I don't think you need to be super familiar with him in order to get something out of his book。 Parts of this were laugh-out-loud funny， and others were so heartbreakingly sad。 I think overall I probably would've enjoyed this a tad more as an audiobook to really get the author's voice， but as a faithful library hoe， I took what was available。 I'll have to go back and read some of Brammer's backlog of work。 。。。more
˗ˏˋ kacie ˎˊ˗
，
3。5 stars。Wonderfully narrated， really recommend the audiobook！ An empowering and wholly human piece of literature。 I fell in love with Brammer's personality/voice; he's so funny， kind， sincere， and just lovely to have as accompany in the morning on my commute to work。 This was definitely a heavy book， especially the first chapter （bullying is a big trigger for me）， but the author had a great sense of humour and lightened the overall tone of the book。 Events in this memoir weren't told chronolog 3。5 stars。Wonderfully narrated， really recommend the audiobook！ An empowering and wholly human piece of literature。 I fell in love with Brammer's personality/voice; he's so funny， kind， sincere， and just lovely to have as accompany in the morning on my commute to work。 This was definitely a heavy book， especially the first chapter （bullying is a big trigger for me）， but the author had a great sense of humour and lightened the overall tone of the book。 Events in this memoir weren't told chronologically but rather by theme in the form of advice， i thought it's a pretty effective way to structure this book granted there're A LOT to unpack。 The author shared his insights and personal experience on sexuality， racial identity， career choices/dreams， fashion， and dating。 The essays， "how to disagree with who you used to be" and "how to describe a dick" were my faves！ 。。。more
Rabiah
，
4。5 well written memoir with a great format
Dustin Dwiggins
，
Gimme more JP！ That was some good gay self-help/therapy
Lauren
，
John Paul Brammer is one of those unique writers who tells a story about something so specific to his life and his identity， but uses language and prose to make the thoughts， feelings， and emotions relatable to many。 This book is so thoughtful， emotional， funny， relatable and warm。 It provided a great opportunity to reflect on your own journey and experiences through （mostly） fun anecdotes。 It stuck a great balance of seriousness and levity。 A quick， easy read but one that resonated greatly with John Paul Brammer is one of those unique writers who tells a story about something so specific to his life and his identity， but uses language and prose to make the thoughts， feelings， and emotions relatable to many。 This book is so thoughtful， emotional， funny， relatable and warm。 It provided a great opportunity to reflect on your own journey and experiences through （mostly） fun anecdotes。 It stuck a great balance of seriousness and levity。 A quick， easy read but one that resonated greatly with me。 。。。more
Ryan S
，
I really liked this book， though I wish it were longer。 I enjoyed its advice column structure while admitting straight out Brammer has no business giving advice to anyone。 It does feel like a collection of essays rather than a more linear memoir， but that is just my personal preference in memoir structure。
Amelia
，
3。4
Mommy Taco
，
3。5 starsI adored the advice column format of this memoir， it felt so fresh and different and it was very well done。 I tore through it， but the more I read the weaker the essays seemed to be。 It seemed like his entire narrative was centered around middle school and then it just became a series of stories about ex-boyfriends。 I don't need a library card for that。。。。I knew nothing about this person before I read this book and I feel like now I still know very little about him， but I'm well versed 3。5 starsI adored the advice column format of this memoir， it felt so fresh and different and it was very well done。 I tore through it， but the more I read the weaker the essays seemed to be。 It seemed like his entire narrative was centered around middle school and then it just became a series of stories about ex-boyfriends。 I don't need a library card for that。。。。I knew nothing about this person before I read this book and I feel like now I still know very little about him， but I'm well versed in the names of gay hook-up apps。 Which is something！ 。。。more
Baillie Ward
，
Smart， sharp， funny， insightful and highlightable （that feels like it should be an adjective）
josie
，
very sweet！ the most beautiful lobster in the lobster tank
Jen
，
"I had to ask myself if it was possible to fully break the cycle。 Was it even possible to undo all the programming， to triumph over the critical voice in my head？ I suspected it would be impossible to ever truly， completely unlearn the things I'd been conditioned to accept。""And yet， Unapologetic， I also considered that perhaps I wasn't in search of a destination; if violence is a circle， perhaps forgiveness is a process as well。 In unlearning my tendency to be critical of myself and others， in "I had to ask myself if it was possible to fully break the cycle。 Was it even possible to undo all the programming， to triumph over the critical voice in my head？ I suspected it would be impossible to ever truly， completely unlearn the things I'd been conditioned to accept。""And yet， Unapologetic， I also considered that perhaps I wasn't in search of a destination; if violence is a circle， perhaps forgiveness is a process as well。 In unlearning my tendency to be critical of myself and others， in meeting people I'd previously discounted， in marshaling my courage to express myself to before， I'd accessed the most nourishing experiences of my life。 It might make me less hateful and more accepting of the people around me; I would no longer have to examine their flaws for fear of recognizing those same flaws in me。 They weren't flaws at all。 That catharsis was something I wanted for everyone。" 。。。more
Jess
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Fun and wise。
Lexi
，
I’ve long been a fan of JP and I’m proud to say this book only made me love him more。 So many of my own thoughts and feelings put into such eloquent words， and so many new thoughts and perspectives to mull over。
Erica
，
I loved the format of this book and I loved that there wasn’t really advice so much as stories that you could relate to and also empathize with。 I liked it！
Brian
，
It brought me to tears and made me laugh out loud。 I felt such a generosity of spirit in JP Brammer's writing。 It brought me to tears and made me laugh out loud。 I felt such a generosity of spirit in JP Brammer's writing。 。。。more
Cody Roecker
，
this was lovely
Francesca Kelley
，
Read it， go read it right now。 It’s pretty rare to find a book that makes you laugh， not snort not chuckle but fully laugh， out loud in public， but this one did。 And not just because it was funny， but because Brammer hits so directly on what it’s like to be a fragile messy human that you can’t help but laugh in recognition at yourself being reflected back at you。 Towards the end， Brammer questions if he’s a good advice columnist because he feels he lacks authority。 I would say he may be the best Read it， go read it right now。 It’s pretty rare to find a book that makes you laugh， not snort not chuckle but fully laugh， out loud in public， but this one did。 And not just because it was funny， but because Brammer hits so directly on what it’s like to be a fragile messy human that you can’t help but laugh in recognition at yourself being reflected back at you。 Towards the end， Brammer questions if he’s a good advice columnist because he feels he lacks authority。 I would say he may be the best advice columnist because he acknowledges the reality that we are all making it up as we go， we are all struggling， but maybe we can make life a bit more bearable by pooling our meager resources and trying to figure it out together。 。。。more
Sean
，
I really wished this existed when I was 15 and grappling with my sexuality。 But reading it now made me reflect on my journey as a gay man and how some parts flow parallel to the Author’s life。 It’s the shared experiences for me that made this book a remarkable read
Saloni
，
A collection of essays about growing up biracial and gay in Oklahoma and everything else that followed。 Spoilers ahead。Since this was a non-fiction book， I won't be focusing on the usual plot and pacing， characters and writing style。Life throws the weirdest curveballs at you。 Some of these curveballs can be really delightful like someone confessing they like you as more than a friend。 Others can be downright fucked up like you thinking of them more like a platonic friend。 Most delightful of all， A collection of essays about growing up biracial and gay in Oklahoma and everything else that followed。 Spoilers ahead。Since this was a non-fiction book， I won't be focusing on the usual plot and pacing， characters and writing style。Life throws the weirdest curveballs at you。 Some of these curveballs can be really delightful like someone confessing they like you as more than a friend。 Others can be downright fucked up like you thinking of them more like a platonic friend。 Most delightful of all， however， is when you find the perfect book to read when untangling the myriad threads of these curveballs so that they're reduced to nothing but atoms held together by bonds。 That's exactly what ¡Hola Papi！ did for me。 I first heard about this book on Cameron Esposito's podcast Queery where she interviewed Brammer and within five minutes of the episode， I knew I absolutely had to get my hands on this book。 Brammer's writing is raw。 It's like taking a dip into his soul and emerging from the pool with his beating heart in your hands。 Each word wrapped around the chemicals that make up my emotions， offering comfort and imploring that I wasn't alone in how I felt。 I was blown away at having so many of my deepest （and sometimes darkest） thoughts articulated so skillfully。 And Brammer wasn't just good at writing about what happened， he was brilliant at weaving his own experiences into each question asked （since this book followed the format of an advice column） and ended each chapter with meaningful takeaways that made SENSE。 They were realistic approaches to all my concerns and doubts， never discounting emotions yet retaining a degree of pragmatism。It was also interesting to see that a lot of what Brammer said was similar to things my counsellor has been telling me these past few weeks。 For example， there was a chapter on dealing with trauma and how to move past it。 In essence， it's important to remember that you have a choice in how you respond to your experiences。 An event doesn't necessarily make you angry。 Rather， you're generating that anger yourself and ultimately making life more difficult for yourself。 That's not to say that it's super easy to get over trauma。 I think moving past trauma and letting go of "every day" anger are vastly different but it's worth remembering that at the end of the day， you do have some agency in how you think and feel。 The chapter on imposter syndrome regarding cultural identity resonated a lot with me。 I've had a fairly international life， growing up in Bangkok then moving to Edinburgh for further education and having my "base" be Mumbai。 I don't feel completely Indian or Thai or Scottish and part of me has resented that I don't have a cultural in-group。 It's so much nicer to be able to bond with others who think and act and look like you， for the most part at least whereas right now， I feel caught between all these countries and don't fit in either one of them。 I'm like a cloud， going wherever the wind blows me， praying I'm not pushed too far adrift。 Like， I've never felt "really" Indian。 I was grateful to read Brammer's take on this。Race is a system more concerned with creating experiential differences than it is about whether or not you’re “really” anything。 Abuela and Javier taught me that。 It’s more important that you care about the lives and the pain of the people around you than it is for you to know how to say “dick” in Spanish。 It’s more important that you listen rather than speak。 Since reading that， I've been trying to engage more with my family and assimilate their experiences to develop an appreciation for all they've been through。I've been called unromantic， cold and robotic by many of my family members even though I feel I'm the complete opposite。 I feel so full of emotions that they're practically bursting through every pore on my skin。 I also overthink a lot of things and this， my counsellor says， has led to me creating expectations about everything in life which only end with me feeling down and angry at myself and everyone around me。 This is all to say that I very much want romance。I'm not blind to the wonders of "true love" and how incredibly lucky it is that at one point in time， your love for someone is reciprocated in its full tragic force。 I've built up all these expectations of what I want my romantic partners to be like--bibliophiles， passionate， kind， to name a few traits。 The more these expectations build， the less sure I am that I'll ever find someone who fits into the crevices of my heart。 And I'll comfort myself by saying things like， "All the marriages I've witnessed haven't been that great anyway" and， "At least I'll be able to hang out with my dog and plants and read books to my heart's content and not have to be assertive about putting the seat down after using the toilet。" So， I've been in a bit of a dilemma in trying to figure out my feelings towards someone because I don't think they're "the one。" Brammer writes，I’m not sure that person exists at all。 I think there are simply important people in our lives。 They don’t always stay important。 They don’t always stick around。 But the point at which we meet them， the point on the grid where our lives intersect， is a sacred thing。 It makes them “the one” in that moment; just because that moment ends， it doesn’t mean it’s any less special。 You can’t help but romanticize it， make stories out of it， think about it when it’s gone， as long as you don’t linger there。 That helped me put a lot of things into perspective and made me uncomfortably aware of how out of my depth I am when it comes to relationships。 I am but a mere neophyte when it comes to matters of love no matter how many emotions compound inside me。 Perhaps there really is no such thing as "the one。" There are only important people。 And they are important in that specific moment of time and sometimes those people shift around in importance and that’s fine but you have to retain that empathy for your past self and not devalue those people's importance。Brammer's discussion around body image and clothing was wildly entertaining and insightful to read。 The number of times I've had this fantasy is embarrassing，She’d [Tyra Banks] see me， ugly， but so ugly that I was in possession of a unique kind of beauty—interesting to look at—and she’d cart me off to do a photo shoot。 That was definitely how reality television worked。 Much like Brammer， I've always felt that I need to take up the least amount of space because I'm unworthy to be looked at。 Yes， I know， I've got terrible self-esteem and body image issues but they exist and I feel compelled to write about it。 I feel so impossibly wrong in my body。 If it was thinner and leaner， maybe I’d feel more feminine。 The problem with me is the lens I look at myself through only sees imperfections。 I want to look like anyone but myself and that's definitely not a healthy mindset to have。 Brammer gently writes that you can choose certain aspects of your appearance and should definitely take advantage of that freedom。I loved what Brammer said about expressing yourself through whichever medium be it your writing or clothing style:I think that’s why it’s important that we express ourselves: you never know who might be listening and who needs to hear you。 It's so true！ Over the past few years， I've gravitated towards people who look more like me and give me a more realistic "model" to look up to。 People like Mindy Kaling and Caroline Girvan have made me feel more comfortable in my appearance and it only makes sense to move that forward。 I've got outfits saved on Pinterest that I intended to purchase when I became skinny。 But why wait？ That is the question。 A more sensitive issue that Brammer wrote about was his suicidal thoughts。 So， okay， I've had those too， a longing to not exactly end my life but to simply cease to exist。 I've been working with my counsellor on dealing with these thoughts and Brammer didn't have a perfect solution to this。 （I can't say he's had perfect solutions to any of the questions posed， more just what he learnt from his experiences。） However， just knowing that I wasn't alone in feeling this way made me feel immensely better and I'm grateful that Brammer didn't shy away from writing about it。So， all in all， I would love to grab a coffee （though hot chocolate is preferable） with John Paul Brammer and just chat with him about life， the universe and everything because that's just how insanely awesome he is。 Also， I'd highly recommend subscribing to his newsletter which is every bit as wonderful as this book。 。。。more
Phoebe
，
Holy Papi！ If you are looking for a biography to read ¡Hola Papi！ is it！Why？ ¡Hola Papi！ Tells the story of John Paul Brammer or as his readers call him Papi。 Pai is a queer mixed-race Chicano who was raised in a religious home and community。 He struggles with anxiety and comorbid illnesses。Brammer covers his journey to queer awareness。 He talks of his experiences with religion， racism， homophobia， and of course his love life。 He tells his stories through letters to his readers。 Some are funny a Holy Papi！ If you are looking for a biography to read ¡Hola Papi！ is it！Why？ ¡Hola Papi！ Tells the story of John Paul Brammer or as his readers call him Papi。 Pai is a queer mixed-race Chicano who was raised in a religious home and community。 He struggles with anxiety and comorbid illnesses。Brammer covers his journey to queer awareness。 He talks of his experiences with religion， racism， homophobia， and of course his love life。 He tells his stories through letters to his readers。 Some are funny and will have you shaking your head。Others。。。I just wanted to hug him。 Brammer tells one story of an incident that happens in his youth and I had to put the book down。 The realism， pain， and the tears I cried for a boy who didn’t even understand what was going on。 As I am writing this I still want to hug him。Why continue reading？ Brammer has more stories to tell。Kudos to whomever did the layout of the stories because you get a chance to breathe。Brammer’s writing style is easy and laid-back。 His stories are told with humor， sensitivity， and depth。 You feel as if you are walking by his side， sitting next to him getting crazy advice， or watching write this book。 He takes you on his journey into the past with an openness that he realized after a bit of time needed to write with。I love ¡Hola Papi！ I am also crushing on Brammer。 Let him take you on his journey， you will get to experience it all。I received an ARC of this book and I am writing a review without prejudice and voluntarily。 。。。more
Richard Snow
，
Interesting life lessons from a gay advice columnist。 An even mix of autobiography and advice。 For you straight folks wondering how your XXX decided to come out as gay， maybe some insight here。 For other queer folk， you'll feel some resonance and empathy。 Definitely pair this with Pedro's Theory by Marcos Gonzalez。 Interesting life lessons from a gay advice columnist。 An even mix of autobiography and advice。 For you straight folks wondering how your XXX decided to come out as gay， maybe some insight here。 For other queer folk， you'll feel some resonance and empathy。 Definitely pair this with Pedro's Theory by Marcos Gonzalez。 。。。more
Manuela Lopez Restrepo
，
really sweet， heartbreaking， funny and even lyrical at times。 Great debut for John Paul， it just makes me want something more long form
ale ☾
，
wow… that was heavy and reflective。 I’ll be pondering this book for a while。。 “If I could do it again， Panicked， I would tell myself that identity is defined as much by what you have as it is by what you’ve lost。 Wanting to recover those things was like feeling homesick for a home I never had。 That， to me， is Chicano。” （67）
crease
，
This book was so Loud and for what。 “How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot” followed by “How to Fall In and Out of Love” took all of my neatly compartmentalized feelings and dumped them at my feet to actually sort through。 Stellar debut novel。 I can’t wait for what else JP Brammer has to share。 In the mean time， I will be microdosing via his twitter
Michael Chambers
，
This was so refreshing。 Having grown up in the closet， I found myself relating to a lot of John Paul Brammer’s experiences and being very surprised that some of them happened to other people as well。 His serious advice is entwined with humorous anecdotes and funny one-liners which made me laugh out loud。 Thank you for this book， JP。
Sarah
，
I loved this book。I recently heard the phrase "fall forward"。 This is what this book is about。 Taking all of the bad hands life has dealt you and some of the good hands， reflecting on them， making such wonderful imperfect peace with them and then moving on。 And helping others while at it。 I loved all of the stories but the tortilla factory and the moving schools story stood out。 I will read everything John Paul Brammer writes。 I loved this book。I recently heard the phrase "fall forward"。 This is what this book is about。 Taking all of the bad hands life has dealt you and some of the good hands， reflecting on them， making such wonderful imperfect peace with them and then moving on。 And helping others while at it。 I loved all of the stories but the tortilla factory and the moving schools story stood out。 I will read everything John Paul Brammer writes。 。。。more
Philip
，