Stranger Care: A Memoir of Loving What Isn't Ours
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- Create Date：2021-05-06 23:31:15
- Update Date：2025-09-07
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- Author：Sarah Sentilles
- ISBN：0593230035
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Summary
The moving story of what one woman learned from fostering a newborn--about injustice， about making mistakes， about how to better love and protect people beyond our immediate kin
May you always feel at home。
After their decision not to have a biological child， Sarah Sentilles and her husband， Eric， decide to adopt via the foster care system。 Despite knowing that the system's goal is the child's reunification with the birth family， Sarah opens their home to a flurry of social workers who question them， evaluate them， and ultimately prepare them to welcome a child into their lives--even if it means most likely having to give the child back。 After years of starts and stops， and endless navigation of the complexities and injustices of the foster care system， a phone call finally comes: a three-day-old baby girl named Coco， in immediate need of a foster family。 Sarah and Eric bring this newborn stranger home。
"You were never ours，" Sarah tells Coco， "yet we belong to each other。"
A love letter to Coco and to the countless children like her， Stranger Care chronicles Sarah's discovery of what it means to mother--in this case， not just a vulnerable infant but the birth mother who loves her， too。 Ultimately， Coco's story reminds us that we depend on family， and that family can take different forms。 With prose that Nick Flynn has called "fearless， stirring， rhythmic，" Sentilles lays bare an intimate， powerful story with universal concerns: How can we care for and protect one another？ How do we ensure a more hopeful future for life on this planet？ And if we're all related--tree， bird， star， person--how might we better live？
May you always feel at home。
After their decision not to have a biological child， Sarah Sentilles and her husband， Eric， decide to adopt via the foster care system。 Despite knowing that the system's goal is the child's reunification with the birth family， Sarah opens their home to a flurry of social workers who question them， evaluate them， and ultimately prepare them to welcome a child into their lives--even if it means most likely having to give the child back。 After years of starts and stops， and endless navigation of the complexities and injustices of the foster care system， a phone call finally comes: a three-day-old baby girl named Coco， in immediate need of a foster family。 Sarah and Eric bring this newborn stranger home。
"You were never ours，" Sarah tells Coco， "yet we belong to each other。"
A love letter to Coco and to the countless children like her， Stranger Care chronicles Sarah's discovery of what it means to mother--in this case， not just a vulnerable infant but the birth mother who loves her， too。 Ultimately， Coco's story reminds us that we depend on family， and that family can take different forms。 With prose that Nick Flynn has called "fearless， stirring， rhythmic，" Sentilles lays bare an intimate， powerful story with universal concerns: How can we care for and protect one another？ How do we ensure a more hopeful future for life on this planet？ And if we're all related--tree， bird， star， person--how might we better live？
Reviews
Julie
，
Sarah is a gifted writer whose prose flows naturally。 By the end of the intro I was hooked。 This memoir grabs you and pulls you in。 Sarah is brutally honest about the challenges of loving a foster baby in a broken system。 I love how she entwined nature， philosophy， and natural history into the book。 You also learn about the truths and struggles of a challenged social system。 The book will leave you in awe of her strength， integrity， humility， and incredibly kind heart。 Buy a copy for your friend Sarah is a gifted writer whose prose flows naturally。 By the end of the intro I was hooked。 This memoir grabs you and pulls you in。 Sarah is brutally honest about the challenges of loving a foster baby in a broken system。 I love how she entwined nature， philosophy， and natural history into the book。 You also learn about the truths and struggles of a challenged social system。 The book will leave you in awe of her strength， integrity， humility， and incredibly kind heart。 Buy a copy for your friends too。 I think this book would be an excellent book for book club。 。。。more
Jocelyn
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Raw and well-crafted memoir about a marriage， motherhood， and foster care。 The format alternates between the narrative about joining foster care system hoping to adopt， interspersed with vignettes on art/nature/religion。 I was definitely more drawn to the parenting narrative and looked forward to those chapters。 Sarah Sentilles really depicts how messy the child services system is and how the motivations of foster parents can be very different than the goals of ‘the system’。 It was very hard to Raw and well-crafted memoir about a marriage， motherhood， and foster care。 The format alternates between the narrative about joining foster care system hoping to adopt， interspersed with vignettes on art/nature/religion。 I was definitely more drawn to the parenting narrative and looked forward to those chapters。 Sarah Sentilles really depicts how messy the child services system is and how the motivations of foster parents can be very different than the goals of ‘the system’。 It was very hard to read at points as the couple is offered child after child needing care。 The sheer volume is overwhelming。 I cried like a baby throughout and commend any foster parent for stepping up to unconditionally care for children removed from their homes， even if for a brief period of time。I’d recommend this to anyone considering adoption or foster care， to get a full idea of the pros/cons to the process。 I was surprised that Sarah Sentilles went into foster care not knowing that the goal is always reunification with the bio family and that she had to be reminded many times along the way that adoption isn’t guaranteed， but I realize that many people may not know this。 I hope this memoir will help readers who haven’t considered foster care yet， or those who have misconceptions。 。。。more
Teresa
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Thank you Netgalley for this ARC of Stranger Care by Sarah Sentilles。Has it been a while since you've had your guts torn out？ Need a good cry？ Pick up this beautifully heartbreaking story of a woman's experience as a foster parent。Sarah and Eric have decided that their role as parents on this earth will be to love children who have been dealt bad cards。 The best way to do this is by enrolling as foster parents， with the hope to adopt。 Through this experience， Sarah recounts all of the positive a Thank you Netgalley for this ARC of Stranger Care by Sarah Sentilles。Has it been a while since you've had your guts torn out？ Need a good cry？ Pick up this beautifully heartbreaking story of a woman's experience as a foster parent。Sarah and Eric have decided that their role as parents on this earth will be to love children who have been dealt bad cards。 The best way to do this is by enrolling as foster parents， with the hope to adopt。 Through this experience， Sarah recounts all of the positive and negative experiences she had taking courses， dealing with CASA， home visits， phone calls， inattentive social workers， and finally getting her first foster baby Coco。 Now she must navigate Coco's mother， the courts， and hardest of all， falling in love with this newborn angel who may or may not get to be a part of Sarah and Eric's life forever。Wow， Sarah Sentilles does SUCH a good job sharing her experience as a foster mom， so important， so HARD。 In between her chapters she shares different stories of mothering and nurturing in other cultures， as well as from the earth itself。 It's absolutely beautiful。 。。。more
Kayo
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Beautiful and heartbreaking book。 Thanks to author， publisher and NetGalley for the chance to read this book。 While I got the book for free， it had no bearing on the rating I gave it。
Alyssa
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Fascinating memoir， really well written。 Heartbreaking in the best way。（Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book through a Goodreads Giveaway。）
Leslie Morgan
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3。5 stars。 This book is a raw and honest look into foster care from the perspective of a foster mom。 There were parts of the writing that I didn’t love but I realize this was her experience and she’s sharing it as such。 It was hard to read at times as well。I received an advanced reader copy of this book。
Sharanya Venugopal
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Stranger Care is a beautiful and touching exploration of parenthood and what it means to be emotionally invested in a relationship that you know doesn't belong to you。 The passionately written memoir takes you through Sarah’s desire to embark the journey of pregnancy and motherhood， which simultaneously contrasts with her partner’s ideologies that are against the idea of conceiving more children into a world that has a fair share of children who are dispossessed。 This dissension leads them to co Stranger Care is a beautiful and touching exploration of parenthood and what it means to be emotionally invested in a relationship that you know doesn't belong to you。 The passionately written memoir takes you through Sarah’s desire to embark the journey of pregnancy and motherhood， which simultaneously contrasts with her partner’s ideologies that are against the idea of conceiving more children into a world that has a fair share of children who are dispossessed。 This dissension leads them to consider the option of being foster parents。 Through the course of this memoir we are introduced to the laws of foster care in the States and the harsh realities that Sarah had to accept about being a foster mother to a child who could possibly never be hers。 She constantly questions how the line between the two is blurred and if tagging the term “foster” makes the journey of parenthood different。 We also get a glance of how the emotional stages of embracing parenthood develops over time and how it differs starkly between Sarah and her husband。 The descriptions of these moments are truly brilliant。 In my opinion this was a truly touching and tear jerking memoir that makes you question the right and wrong when it comes to ownership of the life of a child - be it yours or not。 I enjoyed the similarities drawn with nature's course of motherhood throughout the book。 The intermediate sections about nature’s instinct to habituate to changes in order to protect the proliferation of its offsprings， was an interesting tool to draw parallels to Sarah’s attachment to her foster daughter， Coco。The maturation of the story and emotions was well-articulated and this memoir did an impeccable job at persuading me to emotionally invest in this episode of Sarah’s life。 I would love to read more from Sarah’s backlists and can’t wait for the world to read this heart stirring memoir。Thank you Netgalley & Text publishing for the arc！ 。。。more
Ariane Laxo
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" "Do you have kids？" strangers asked almost every day。"No，" I said， not wanting to explain， because， really， it's an unimaginative question， full of their beliefs about what family means， about who counts as kin， and it's a hard question for anyone with a complicated relationship to family making， for those of us who've experienced miscarriage or failed adoptions or the death of a child， for those of us estranged or embattled or in grief。 It's a question I now refuse to ask。 "Tell me about your " "Do you have kids？" strangers asked almost every day。"No，" I said， not wanting to explain， because， really， it's an unimaginative question， full of their beliefs about what family means， about who counts as kin， and it's a hard question for anyone with a complicated relationship to family making， for those of us who've experienced miscarriage or failed adoptions or the death of a child， for those of us estranged or embattled or in grief。 It's a question I now refuse to ask。 "Tell me about your family，" I say instead， because I know belonging comes in all shapes and sizes， visible and invisible， hidden and made and chosen and found。"This book called to me， but I wasn't sure I was ready for it。 It has only been a few years since my husband and I decided not to pursue other pathways to parenthood when we learned biological children were not in the cards for us。 Fostering felt like a beautiful thing for people who could care for a child and then give them back - and it was clear that wouldn't be something we could do。 So when I saw the option to read and review an advance reader copy of this book on NetGalley - I wasn't sure if I could even read about the joy and heartbreak of foster parenting。 The prose is beautiful and chapters short - and quite honestly I'm not sure my heart could have taken this story without frequent pauses to sob and breathe。 I first cried on the first page， and my sobs didn't let up in the last 25% - and I feel like my heart and perspective has expanded。 I'm grateful to bear witness to this story。"Why are we doing this？。。。Because I want to live in a world where we take care of each other。"Yes。 This。 All of this。 。。。more
Ilana
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I enjoyed this！ As much as I can enjoy something that gave me so much heartache and frustration。 Sentilles did a great job of capturing all the miscommunication， frustration and conflicting emotions in her experience becoming a foster parent， and all the obstacles that the current system creates。 The story was interwoven with nature imagery and discussion of larger political issues that Sentilles relates back to her experiences。 I learned a lot about the foster care process even outside of Senti I enjoyed this！ As much as I can enjoy something that gave me so much heartache and frustration。 Sentilles did a great job of capturing all the miscommunication， frustration and conflicting emotions in her experience becoming a foster parent， and all the obstacles that the current system creates。 The story was interwoven with nature imagery and discussion of larger political issues that Sentilles relates back to her experiences。 I learned a lot about the foster care process even outside of Sentilles' story， and will definitely be searching for similar narratives in the future。 Very emotional and surprising。 Thanks to NetGalley for the review copy！ 。。。more
Janilyn Kocher
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I had a lot of thoughts while reading this book。 It’s about one couple’s experience being foster parents， hoping to adopt。 At first， the author is focused on having her own child， even though her husband had a vasectomy。 She gives him an ultimatum in order to stay married and they decide to pursue adoption。 She seemed to be all over the place with that as well since they were offered many children， but kept declining。 They finally get a baby and become very emotionally invested， knowing their st I had a lot of thoughts while reading this book。 It’s about one couple’s experience being foster parents， hoping to adopt。 At first， the author is focused on having her own child， even though her husband had a vasectomy。 She gives him an ultimatum in order to stay married and they decide to pursue adoption。 She seemed to be all over the place with that as well since they were offered many children， but kept declining。 They finally get a baby and become very emotionally invested， knowing their state emphasized reunification。 It’s a sad ending， with all sides losing， in my opinion。 The book really showed the flaws of the foster care system。 The real victims are the kids who didn’t ask for any of this， but have to deal with all of the consequences。 Thanks to Random House and NetGalley for the early read。 。。。more
CJ Alberts
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A beautiful and moving memoir about the foster care system and the concept of mothering。Sentilles expertly weaves together her own deep personal relationship to her foster daughter， Coco， while also exploring more meta themes of what being interconnected to one another truly means。 These themes show up in varied subject matter -- nature writing， examinations of whiteness， tree ecology， the border crisis， and the failures of the deeply broken adoption system。Heart shattering and hopeful。 I loved A beautiful and moving memoir about the foster care system and the concept of mothering。Sentilles expertly weaves together her own deep personal relationship to her foster daughter， Coco， while also exploring more meta themes of what being interconnected to one another truly means。 These themes show up in varied subject matter -- nature writing， examinations of whiteness， tree ecology， the border crisis， and the failures of the deeply broken adoption system。Heart shattering and hopeful。 I loved it。 。。。more
Roberta Young
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Stranger Care is not a "happy book"， it is heartbreaking in many ways。 It explores one family's journey through a system that many acknowledge as imperfect， possibly broken。 Stranger Care is not a "happy book"， it is heartbreaking in many ways。 It explores one family's journey through a system that many acknowledge as imperfect， possibly broken。 。。。more
Maria
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This book takes you on a rollercoaster of emotions throughout each individual page。 I experinced sadness， happiness， anger， and the unbelief of such a flawed system we know as foster care。 Thank you #sarahsentilles for sharing your heartbreaking story with all of us。 Thank you to #penguinrandomhouse for my ARC copy。
Raksha Vasudevan
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Beautiful， wrenching， brilliant。 Sentilles takes us through her and her husband's dramatic journey of fostering a child with the hope of adoption。 We know from the start that the outcome is not a good one， but Sentilles is such a skillful writer， such a master of narrative， that we hold out hope until the very last page， the very last word。 Yet， I never felt manipulated because she is so honest in her longings， in her complicity within a broken system， and in the conflict between her instinct to Beautiful， wrenching， brilliant。 Sentilles takes us through her and her husband's dramatic journey of fostering a child with the hope of adoption。 We know from the start that the outcome is not a good one， but Sentilles is such a skillful writer， such a master of narrative， that we hold out hope until the very last page， the very last word。 Yet， I never felt manipulated because she is so honest in her longings， in her complicity within a broken system， and in the conflict between her instinct to be good and to get what she wants。I almost wish this book was fiction because if it was， maybe I wouldn't be so haunted by it。 But perhaps that is the mark of truly great literature， fiction or otherwise - it leaves its mark on you。 。。。more
Katy Upperman
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If ever you’ve wondered about or considered foster care， if ever you’ve parented， or wanted to parent， or thought deeply about parenting， if ever you’ve experienced loss so great your shattered heart feels irreparable， you need to read STRANGER CARE。 Sarah writes about love and grief and motherhood in such a raw， beautiful way。 Her discussion of foster care， its highs and lows， its necessity and its innate failures， made me feel seen in a way nothing on the subject ever has。 This book shredded m If ever you’ve wondered about or considered foster care， if ever you’ve parented， or wanted to parent， or thought deeply about parenting， if ever you’ve experienced loss so great your shattered heart feels irreparable， you need to read STRANGER CARE。 Sarah writes about love and grief and motherhood in such a raw， beautiful way。 Her discussion of foster care， its highs and lows， its necessity and its innate failures， made me feel seen in a way nothing on the subject ever has。 This book shredded me。 It forced me to relive the hardest few years of my life， to examine my darkest moments， my most terrible thoughts。 It made FEEL and， more than anything， it made me grateful。 。。。more
Kerry
，
Stranger Care is a memoir of Eric and Sarah Sentilles journey to become adoptive parents after they made the decision not to have a biologic baby。 When they married they intended to some day have a baby， but a few years later Eric becomes happy with a life without children。 He and Sarah decide they no longer want a baby， but then Sarah realizes she really does want to be a mother。 They decide to foster a baby with the hope of adopting the foster child。 They are frustrated by social service depar Stranger Care is a memoir of Eric and Sarah Sentilles journey to become adoptive parents after they made the decision not to have a biologic baby。 When they married they intended to some day have a baby， but a few years later Eric becomes happy with a life without children。 He and Sarah decide they no longer want a baby， but then Sarah realizes she really does want to be a mother。 They decide to foster a baby with the hope of adopting the foster child。 They are frustrated by social service departments and social workers in two different states。 Eventually they foster an infant。 Sarah loves Coco like nothing she's ever felt， and there is much more to the story。Stranger Care was particularly moving to me because the much of the journey Eric and Sarah lived mirrors what a couple I know went through in the adoption process。 I also have a friend who has sheltered foster children for many years。 。。。more
Jaclyn
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Sentilles beautifully and profoundly expands our understanding of what it is to mother， to tend， to love。 Her prose has a clear eyed quality that is truly breathtaking， same as in her previous book Draw Your Weapons。 She reminds us of our shared humanity through this beautiful and brutal story of fostering a baby in need。 With the lightest touch Sentilles draws on the natural world of trees and birds to draw powerful parallels between her family and the wider world。 She allows the reader to feel Sentilles beautifully and profoundly expands our understanding of what it is to mother， to tend， to love。 Her prose has a clear eyed quality that is truly breathtaking， same as in her previous book Draw Your Weapons。 She reminds us of our shared humanity through this beautiful and brutal story of fostering a baby in need。 With the lightest touch Sentilles draws on the natural world of trees and birds to draw powerful parallels between her family and the wider world。 She allows the reader to feel clever and work to decipher these deeper meanings but of course the work is hers in laying them bare for us。 I doubt I will read a more profound and powerful book for a long while。 This is the kind of book that alters you， makes you kinder， opens your heart up。 。。。more
M。
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It was a good read。
Christopher Dickerson
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A memoir of love， family， foster care， and grief， and in my eyes a shinning example of the depth of parenthood。 Blood is not and never has been thicker than water， in my experience。 This book hit close to home as I went through similar training to become a foster parent， in hopes of adopting。 Fortunately， our experience was much more positive （our children were no longer on the reunification path like Coco） but I am thankful to have read this book as it helped me fully grasp how fortunate we wer A memoir of love， family， foster care， and grief， and in my eyes a shinning example of the depth of parenthood。 Blood is not and never has been thicker than water， in my experience。 This book hit close to home as I went through similar training to become a foster parent， in hopes of adopting。 Fortunately， our experience was much more positive （our children were no longer on the reunification path like Coco） but I am thankful to have read this book as it helped me fully grasp how fortunate we were throughout the foster/adoption process。 Foster parents are special people， especially ones like the author and her husband。 Raising another persons child， as your own， is complicated at every stage in the process， but raising a baby knowing the chances of losing her but still choosing love over fear， is essential to becoming a parent。 I left this book feeling grateful， sad， and hopeful， all in the same moment。 。。。more
Text Publishing
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The following book reviews have been shared by Text Publishing – publisher of Stranger Care‘A beautiful， harrowing， and profound memoir about what it means to love and to mother， to belong and let go…I found myself holding my breath as I read…I love this book so much it hurts。 It’s a powerful， heartbreaking， necessary masterpiece。’ Cheryl Strayed， author of Wild ‘This is the only book about parenting that I would recommend to anyone， because it strikes at the essential， complicated and heartbre The following book reviews have been shared by Text Publishing – publisher of Stranger Care‘A beautiful， harrowing， and profound memoir about what it means to love and to mother， to belong and let go…I found myself holding my breath as I read…I love this book so much it hurts。 It’s a powerful， heartbreaking， necessary masterpiece。’ Cheryl Strayed， author of Wild ‘This is the only book about parenting that I would recommend to anyone， because it strikes at the essential， complicated and heartbreaking core of what parents do every moment of every day: love…No matter what。’ Emily Rapp Black， author of The Still Point of the Turning World‘A gripping and beautiful memoir about marriage， family， bureaucracy， community， heartbreak and hope。 With wisdom and honesty， Sarah Sentilles shares a personal story that is also a story about how we live…and why we must find new ways to love and care for one another。’ Ben Rhodes， author of The World as It Is‘A book that calls us to redefine what it means to have and make a family， to expand our understanding of what and who belongs， and to care more and better for those around us…It broke my heart wide open in the best possible way。’ Lacy M。 Johnson， author of The Reckonings‘Breathtaking and heartbreaking and smart and hopeful…I less read Stranger Care than inhaled it， in the first place because I genuinely could not put it down but mostly because it felt like this story entered my bloodstream and changed me…This is a memoir for everyone。’ Laurie Frankel， author of This Is How It Always Is‘An illuminating and heart-wrenching look at the foster-care system…Sarah’s personal experience as a foster parent， combined with her reportorial examination of a deeply flawed system， makes Stranger Care a transformative revelation。’ Piper Kerman， author of Orange Is the New Black‘This book is sublime in its craft and its heart。 Sentilles’ power is not only that her message about our shared humanity comes as revelation—that our personal and collective survival depends on converting pain into love。 Her power is that she leads by example in this stunning book。’ Sarah Krasnostein‘Be warned: your heart will be altered by Stranger Care。 Sarah Sentilles has written a book that the whole damn world needs to read—a book on caring， on radical empathy， on how to hold rage and grief and pure love simultaneously within the body。 In language that strikes and soars and sings， Sentilles honours the child at the centre of Stranger Care。 In doing so， she shows us all how we might better look after each other。’ Kate Mildenhall'Sentilles beautifully and profoundly expands our understanding of what it is to mother， to tend， to love。 Her prose has a clear eyed quality that is truly breathtaking。。。I doubt I will read a more profound and powerful book for a long while。 This is the kind of book that alters you， makes you kinder， opens your heart up。’ Jaclyn CrupiHow far can we extend our care and compassion？ What does it take to love people who stand in the way of our desires？ Full of the urgency of mother-love， Stranger Care is heartrending: at once harrowing and tender， bruising and wise。’ Jessie Cole‘Beautifully written and elegantly structured， Stranger Care is both gripping and meditative。 Sarah Sentilles invites us not only to think about our vulnerability and interdependence， but to feel them。 This is a book for everyone because it goes to the heart of the human condition。 It is a book about love。’ Peter Mares‘Sarah Sentilles hands you the weight of wanting and lets you touch and feel every possible configuration of love。 This generous book burns with an inextinguishable vulnerability that will scorch your heart and keep you warm。 Sarah Sentilles applied to foster because she wanted to believe in a world where people cared for one another。 She has shown us what that world could look like。 This book shows us the brutality and bravery involved in upholding the only rule of parental love—that it must be unconditional。’ Gina Rushton‘Heart-searing…With a sharp eye for the details that fill their days with joy， counterweighted by the sorrows that bring the couple to their knees， Sentilles uses the sheer power of her writing to lift their story above the failures of flawed adults and to remind us of the human heart’s limitless capacity for hope。’ BookPage （starred review） 。。。more
Donna Boyd
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