The Explosive Child Updated and Revised Edition: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children
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- Create Date：2021-08-19 22:21:00
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Ross W. Greene
- ISBN：0063092468
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Summary
A groundbreaking approach to understanding and parenting children who frequently exhibit severe fits of temper and other intractable behaviors， from a distinguished clinician and pioneer in this field。
What’s an explosive child？ A child who responds to routine problems with extreme frustration—crying， screaming， swearing， kicking， hitting， biting， spitting， destroying property， and worse。 A child whose frequent， severe outbursts leave his or her parents feeling frustrated， scared， worried， and desperate for help。 Most of these parents have tried everything-reasoning， explaining， punishing， sticker charts， therapy， medication—but to no avail。 They can’t figure out why their child acts the way he or she does; they wonder why the strategies that work for other kids don’t work for theirs; and they don’t know what to do instead。
Dr。 Ross Greene， a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social， emotional， and behavioral challenges， has worked with thousands of explosive children， and he has good news: these kids aren’t attention-seeking， manipulative， or unmotivated， and their parents aren’t passive， permissive pushovers。 Rather， explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability， frustration tolerance， and problem solving， and they require a different approach to parenting。
Throughout this compassionate， insightful， and practical book， Dr。 Greene provides a new conceptual framework for understanding their difficulties， based on research in the neurosciences。 He explains why traditional parenting and treatment often don’t work with these children， and he describes what to do instead。 Instead of relying on rewarding and punishing， Dr。 Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model promotes working with explosive children to solve the problems that precipitate explosive episodes， and teaching these kids the skills they lack。
What’s an explosive child？ A child who responds to routine problems with extreme frustration—crying， screaming， swearing， kicking， hitting， biting， spitting， destroying property， and worse。 A child whose frequent， severe outbursts leave his or her parents feeling frustrated， scared， worried， and desperate for help。 Most of these parents have tried everything-reasoning， explaining， punishing， sticker charts， therapy， medication—but to no avail。 They can’t figure out why their child acts the way he or she does; they wonder why the strategies that work for other kids don’t work for theirs; and they don’t know what to do instead。
Dr。 Ross Greene， a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social， emotional， and behavioral challenges， has worked with thousands of explosive children， and he has good news: these kids aren’t attention-seeking， manipulative， or unmotivated， and their parents aren’t passive， permissive pushovers。 Rather， explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability， frustration tolerance， and problem solving， and they require a different approach to parenting。
Throughout this compassionate， insightful， and practical book， Dr。 Greene provides a new conceptual framework for understanding their difficulties， based on research in the neurosciences。 He explains why traditional parenting and treatment often don’t work with these children， and he describes what to do instead。 Instead of relying on rewarding and punishing， Dr。 Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving model promotes working with explosive children to solve the problems that precipitate explosive episodes， and teaching these kids the skills they lack。
Reviews
Monika Gražinskienė
，
Labai tinkama knyga man， kaip mokytojai。 Suteikianti vilties prieš naujus mokslo metus。 Tėvams rekomenduočiau esant itin problematiškam vaiko elgesiui。 O mokytojams profilaktiškai labai naudinga literatūra。Pats knygos dėstymas man asmeniškai sunkiai "lipo"， bet džiaugiuosi kad radau ką "pasiimti" savo darbo praktikai。 Žiūrėsiu ar pasiteisins 🙂 Labai tinkama knyga man， kaip mokytojai。 Suteikianti vilties prieš naujus mokslo metus。 Tėvams rekomenduočiau esant itin problematiškam vaiko elgesiui。 O mokytojams profilaktiškai labai naudinga literatūra。Pats knygos dėstymas man asmeniškai sunkiai "lipo"， bet džiaugiuosi kad radau ką "pasiimti" savo darbo praktikai。 Žiūrėsiu ar pasiteisins 🙂 。。。more
Gabriela
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That was a lot of words to say “talk to your child， ask what’s up， come up with a solution to the problem。” This whole book could have been an email。
Alyssa
，
Dnf
Heather
，
Found this in a little free library on a particularly explosive day。 It’s like it was there on purpose。 Or just lots of people in the neighborhood have similar challenges。 When I mentioned it to a few people in the mental health field they all vouched for it’s value so I decided it was worth a shot。 Just started applying the strategies， it’s a very SLOW way to solve the issues， but then again， anything fast would not last。 So far， I agree with the concept， just working on the application。
Andrew
，
Excellent book。 Highly recommend。Useful for parents of non-explosive children as well。 Useful for non-parents。 I'd expect the advice in this book works for structuring effective collaborative solutions with adults and not just children。 Use this in the workplace。Thought experiments:If I could have read only one book on parenting， I'd have been best served to pick this one。If I could read only one book of any kind in a lifetime， this book would be the one to pick。The thesis of the book is: Childr Excellent book。 Highly recommend。Useful for parents of non-explosive children as well。 Useful for non-parents。 I'd expect the advice in this book works for structuring effective collaborative solutions with adults and not just children。 Use this in the workplace。Thought experiments:If I could have read only one book on parenting， I'd have been best served to pick this one。If I could read only one book of any kind in a lifetime， this book would be the one to pick。The thesis of the book is: Children do well if they can do well。So if they're not doing well， not meeting your reasonable expectations as a parent， not thriving， it's because they can't。 In their present context。 With their present skills。It's not because they don't want to do well。 So adding incentives and rewards won't help。 They're already incentivized to do well。 Doing well is its own reward。 Adding punishments won't help either。 Doing poorly is its own punishment and they're probably already made miserable by the gap between expectations and reality。It's because they can't do well。 Probably because of lagging skills in flexibility， problem solving， adaptability。 Like any other skill （reading， algebra）， these skills come easier to some kids than others。 Some kids pick up these skills seemingly effortlessly。 Some pick them up with a lot of visible effort， through instruction， through your explaining and modeling。 And some kids don't pick them up in those ways， and so the skills lag。 That's why they're exploding。 Because they have unsolved problems they cannot solve。 Because they're unable to be flexible in the face of changes and differences from their expectations。 Because they're not adapting to the demands of their environments and situations。The solution is to prioritize and reduce your expectations （"plan C"）。 To free up capacity to focus on the most important and urgent problems， and then collaboratively address those most urgent and important problems （"plan B"）， in a way that discovers unmet needs and unsolved problems， discovers and articulates both your and your child's needs， and arrives at an agreed upon， realistic， feasible shared solution。As problems are solved， capacity increases and is freed， so some of those expectations that were deferred （plan C） can be pulled in and addressed via plan B as well。Of course， where absolutely necessary， you can still try to apply "Plan A" （impose your parental will unilaterally）。 This is appropriate and effective in true emergencies and true matters of dire safety。 Of course grab your kid and bodily haul him out of the way of the oncoming truck， don't pause to have a discussion to get him on board with that。And then have a discussion about it， moving it into "Plan B"， collaboratively observing the problem， the unmet needs， and collaboratively coming up with a feasible， realistic solution that will meet the needs to everyone's satisfaction。A key insight is that this works and is important because it teaches the lagging skills that will serve your child well for their entire life。 Empathizing with needs and coming up with shared， agreed upon solutions that meet everyone's needs will be useful， essential， to their future thriving。 Adaptability and flexibility will be essential in an uncertain and ever changing world。 These are skills your child needs long after you may no longer be available to help them directly。 So the project of parenting is to instill these skills in childhood。 And thus it is essential， unavoidable， and very desirable that you solve problems collaboratively with your child， involving them and allowing them as much agency as possible。Includes example conversations that I found helpful。 。。。more
Beth
，
Couldn't finish it。 The pace was just so slow and dry。 Seems like a series of blogs could have imparted the message but we needed dozens of imaginary conversations to fill out a book。 I enjoyed Unconditional Parenting a lot more and it's a similar message - you usually see these two recommended together when someone asks about a child with low frustration tolerance Couldn't finish it。 The pace was just so slow and dry。 Seems like a series of blogs could have imparted the message but we needed dozens of imaginary conversations to fill out a book。 I enjoyed Unconditional Parenting a lot more and it's a similar message - you usually see these two recommended together when someone asks about a child with low frustration tolerance 。。。more
Ashley
，
I found this book to be very clear， straightforward， and engaging。 It honestly seemed like the author really did understand what it's like to have an explosive child and all of the challenges that brings which was reassuring to me。 Also， the method presented here， which will take some effort， does seem promising to me and I plan to implement it。 In fact， I think it could benefit children who are not explosive as well， though it's definitely geared towards those who are。 I found this book to be very clear， straightforward， and engaging。 It honestly seemed like the author really did understand what it's like to have an explosive child and all of the challenges that brings which was reassuring to me。 Also， the method presented here， which will take some effort， does seem promising to me and I plan to implement it。 In fact， I think it could benefit children who are not explosive as well， though it's definitely geared towards those who are。 。。。more
Grace
，
Super helpful。 I want this book constantly。 It took me a while to get thru all of it。 Empathy / hear from the kidMy concernsImagine a solution TOGETHERWhere we are。 B will talk and I can hear her concerns。 My concerns are clear。 She comes up with a solution that sounds good but she can't follow through。 So we need to delve deeper。 Not giving up on this strategy。 I hope I can revisit many times， not get burnt out in the process。 Whew！ Super helpful。 I want this book constantly。 It took me a while to get thru all of it。 Empathy / hear from the kidMy concernsImagine a solution TOGETHERWhere we are。 B will talk and I can hear her concerns。 My concerns are clear。 She comes up with a solution that sounds good but she can't follow through。 So we need to delve deeper。 Not giving up on this strategy。 I hope I can revisit many times， not get burnt out in the process。 Whew！ 。。。more
Anne Brokaw
，
This book is such a quick read and provides such a life changing perspective on parenting。
Carolyn
，
Yeah， this was pretty good。 It wasn’t an earth-shattering change from our current parenting， but I thought it was a very respectable articulation of some common challenges and helpful strategies。I do note that Greene has no category for discussion of sin as a factor。 Let me think how best to put this。 I like his reframing of these explosive behaviors as akin to a learning disability， and that it should be treated as something that needs teaching and not just authoritarian doubling down—that foll Yeah， this was pretty good。 It wasn’t an earth-shattering change from our current parenting， but I thought it was a very respectable articulation of some common challenges and helpful strategies。I do note that Greene has no category for discussion of sin as a factor。 Let me think how best to put this。 I like his reframing of these explosive behaviors as akin to a learning disability， and that it should be treated as something that needs teaching and not just authoritarian doubling down—that follows true with my experience。 Yes， we DO want to help these kids grow into better and more whole adults。 But it is also my experience （and theological tradition） that people have a streak of brokenness and， yes， evil， running straight through their hearts， even the best intentioned ones。 I came away feeling that there was room for a fuller discussion of these matters from someone who doesn’t deny the role of human sin。 。。。more
Farah
，
Great readThe book really opened my eyes to what is really happening。 The examples were great and the book is clear。
Tan
，
I wish I'd found this book earlier。 It describes my child and our struggles perfectly and offers help for parents。 I wish I'd found this book earlier。 It describes my child and our struggles perfectly and offers help for parents。 。。。more
Celine
，
Good read but I read it too closely after another one that has very competing / not quite complimentary approaches。 Still a lot of sections that I’ll keep it mind and circle back to
Kellee
，
I struggle reading self-help books because I find them dull。 This had some good ideas and I liked the dialogue of example conversations throughout （but got so sick of hearing “what’s up” over and over）。
Brittany
，
Fantastic book with clear and realistic examples for how to identify a children’s lagging skills and unsolved problems and work collaboratively with them to find solutions。 I’ll be coming back to this one again and again。
Kimberly Fields
，
I thought this book made a lot of sense。 The collaborative approach to dealing with difficult questions is clearly laid out。 I think it could be very helpful in dealing with explosive children （or really， any child）。
Bronwyn
，
I don’t feel that it would be appropriate for me to rate this as much of it isn’t applicable to my situation so I can’t speak to its efficacy。 I don’t think I have an explosive child， but I do have an almost four year old， so we have moments。 The book did give me some ideas for handling situations we do have （many bedtime related）， so I do think this book would be helpful for any sort of problem you may have with your child。 （And if we do wind up having problems with our child down the line I’ll I don’t feel that it would be appropriate for me to rate this as much of it isn’t applicable to my situation so I can’t speak to its efficacy。 I don’t think I have an explosive child， but I do have an almost four year old， so we have moments。 The book did give me some ideas for handling situations we do have （many bedtime related）， so I do think this book would be helpful for any sort of problem you may have with your child。 （And if we do wind up having problems with our child down the line I’ll have a small heads up on what to do and will know better where to turn for more help。） 。。。more
Crystal G-H
，
Really was NOT helpful at all。
Chana Machado
，
Great book to learn about how to speak with your child， and try to solve the problems that cause their explosive behaviour。
James R。
，
As a patent of two "explosive" children I found this book to be useful and reassuring。 The collaborative approach it recommends is harder with non-verbal children but can just about be adapted to work。 Whether you agree with the ideas in this book will depend on your personal philosophy around bringing up children， if you are more traditional it may be a struggle but it fits well if you're more child focused。 As a patent of two "explosive" children I found this book to be useful and reassuring。 The collaborative approach it recommends is harder with non-verbal children but can just about be adapted to work。 Whether you agree with the ideas in this book will depend on your personal philosophy around bringing up children， if you are more traditional it may be a struggle but it fits well if you're more child focused。 。。。more
Andreas Sekeris
，
Good common-sense advice。 Alot of it could be skimmed， and much of it was common-sense。I enjoyed the clear way he presented plans A， B and C。 Proactive and emergency plan B。 I've given it to my partner to read as well。 This isn't just for explosive kids， useful for all kids and even adults。The role-play examples were very useful and I liked that he presented scenarios where the plan did not go well in addition to it going well。I liked the clear-cut way of plan B。Empathise， draw out concerns。 Ask Good common-sense advice。 Alot of it could be skimmed， and much of it was common-sense。I enjoyed the clear way he presented plans A， B and C。 Proactive and emergency plan B。 I've given it to my partner to read as well。 This isn't just for explosive kids， useful for all kids and even adults。The role-play examples were very useful and I liked that he presented scenarios where the plan did not go well in addition to it going well。I liked the clear-cut way of plan B。Empathise， draw out concerns。 Ask what's up？Then play back the concerns and make your own clear。Talk about solutions between you， don't impose them （plan A）。Then try them out。 If they don't work， go back to the first step。 Nice！Great idea to write-down problem-scenarios beforehand as well to discuss proactively。 。。。more
Emily VA
，
I’ve heard this book recommended for all parents， not just those whose children have pretty extreme behavioral challenges。 And I think in general that it’s true that children do want to do well， and when they’re behaviorally challenged it’s more helpful to figure out what skills they’re lacking and how that’s leading them to be overwhelmed in specific situations and how those situations can be anticipated and solved in advance。 And that’s the core of this book。 That being said， the examples of c I’ve heard this book recommended for all parents， not just those whose children have pretty extreme behavioral challenges。 And I think in general that it’s true that children do want to do well， and when they’re behaviorally challenged it’s more helpful to figure out what skills they’re lacking and how that’s leading them to be overwhelmed in specific situations and how those situations can be anticipated and solved in advance。 And that’s the core of this book。 That being said， the examples of children’s behavior are pretty extreme。 And the general collaborative problem solving strategy seemed pretty similar to the How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen books， whose example conversations might seem more relatable if your kid doesn’t typically have extreme behavioral challenges。 。。。more
Erin Ching
，
If your child has worked with OTs and SLPs for most of their life， then most of this material is probably going to be already familiar， though the organization and examples are still somewhat helpful。If your child hasn't had ongoing support， or if they've only had negative feedback from school / childcare， then I can see this book being very helpful。 If your child has worked with OTs and SLPs for most of their life， then most of this material is probably going to be already familiar， though the organization and examples are still somewhat helpful。If your child hasn't had ongoing support， or if they've only had negative feedback from school / childcare， then I can see this book being very helpful。 。。。more
Nikki
，
I can’t say enough about this book！！ I wish I could give it 10 stars！！ All parents should read this book， whether or not you consider your child “explosive”。 Ross Greene invites us to see our children with real compassion that leads to productive problem solving。 Why don’t we all know this？！？！ Been using the method with my kids…。 Life changing！！
Cynthia
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I enjoyed the step by step process and following along with the different families and how they work through their communication obstacles。
Dmitri Stalnuhhin
，
«Дети ведут себя хорошо， если могут。»Эта книга рассказывает про эмоциональные аспекты развития， и， не смотря на название， этот текст не только про взрывных детей。 Известно к какому возрасту ребенок должен держать голову， к какому начать ходить; слух， вес и прочие физические показатели всегда проконтролирует семейный врач。 А вот этапы эмоционального развития， когда ребенок учится отделять ситуацию от эмоции， а ожидания от реальности — эти задачи родителей будто не касаются: ребенок справится сам。 «Дети ведут себя хорошо， если могут。»Эта книга рассказывает про эмоциональные аспекты развития， и， не смотря на название， этот текст не только про взрывных детей。 Известно к какому возрасту ребенок должен держать голову， к какому начать ходить; слух， вес и прочие физические показатели всегда проконтролирует семейный врач。 А вот этапы эмоционального развития， когда ребенок учится отделять ситуацию от эмоции， а ожидания от реальности — эти задачи родителей будто не касаются: ребенок справится сам。 — Вот с этим «справится сам» и ведет свою просветительскую борьбу Росс Грин。Вместо рецензии — ниже короткий конспект текста。 Отмечу только что это редкий пример сухой， в хорошем смысле， литературы по психологии — все описано емко и структурировано; текст воспринимается как отполированная сотнями презентаций лекция по гигиене здорового общения， которую хочется порекомендовать каждому （— не только родителям «взрывных» детей）。 «Взрыв （вспышка раздражения）， как и любые другие формы неадаптивного поведения， возникает， когда предъявляемые к человеку требования превышают его способность адекватно на них отвечать» или как это также формулируется в книге более коротко:«Дети ведут себя хорошо， если могут» — и задача родителя помочь с развитием этих «стабилизирующих» навыков ребенка， проблемы с которыми могут привести к конфликтным ситуациям。 5 «стабилизаторов» это:1） сознательное самоуправление （способность переключаться между задачами， организация и планирование， способность отделять эмоциональную реакцию от требующихся интеллектуальных усилий。 Ключ: сохранять спокойствие， отделять «я» от мимолетных эмоций）;2） речевые навыки （язык определяет образ мышления — если наступить на хвост собаке， то она поступит одним из доступных ей вариантов: зарычит， укусит или убежит。 С этой точки зрения ругань то же что и рычание — то， что делают люди， когда не могут обратиться к более внятному способу выражения мыслей и эмоций）;3） контроль эмоций （навык быстрой саморефлексии и проекции своих импульсов на ситуацию）;4） интеллектуальная гибкость （способность видеть ситуацию шире чем бинарное черно-белое восприятие， умение воспринимать промежуточные варианты как градиент компромиссов）;5） социальные навыки （опыт правильного понимания слов， реагирования на вербальное и невербальное общение， для которого требуются быстрота реакции， гибкость и широта мышления）。Ошибка считать， что пять упомянутых навыков являются данностью （«должны как-то развиться сами»）， и что проблемы， к которым приводит их отсутствие， являются якобы следствием того， что ребенок «не хочет»， «капризничает»， «вредничает»， «поступает назло» и т。д。Надо определить дестабилизаторы （определенные обстоятельства， которые сводят на нет работу «стабилизаторов»） и говорить о них。 Часто дестабилизатором являются действия или слова родителя。 Дестабилизаторы аккумулируются и последней «каплей» может стать любая мелочь， вроде колющейся бирки на майке （но проблема， конечно же， не в ней одной）。Все вышеуказанное работает как стартовая точка и инструментарий для последующей совместной работы по нахождению компромиссного варианта разрешения критической ситуации。 При этом， акцент идет на то， чтобы «предупреждать» критические ситуации тем же способом， который автор называет план «Б»:- План А: через слезы и истерики родитель настаивает на своем решении。- План В: родитель идет навстречу ребенку （т。к。 лень， устал， неважно）。+ План Б: родитель и ребенок путем активного общения и слушания （пресловутое «ты раздражен и не хочешь спать»） пытаются найти промежуточное компромиссное решение。 Важным критерием Плана «Б» является то， что обе стороны приходят в разговор с «открытым» умом и без готового решения — оно должно появиться путем совместной работы。 Порядок действий: сочувствие （и его подтверждение） — выявление проблемы — приглашение к разговору。Это， примерно， первые 50% книги。 Остальная половина текста про практическую реализацию «плана Б» и более подробное развертывание материала на примере ситуаций и диалогов。 В самом конце книги есть несколько глав с более конкретными рекомендациями по работе с врачами и медикаментами， а также общению в семье и школе。 。。。more
Emily
，
This is an important book。 I feel that it validates my parenting method which comes naturally to me。 My husband is only now discovering Plan B as he has had to be more involved in parenting due to Covid。 He knows now that Plan A does not work for my daughter but that doesn't mean that Plan B comes naturally to him， but it does mean that he is doing better at it now than when he started at the beginning of lockdown。 Lockdown had a way of making Plan B the only viable option。 Our daughter is still This is an important book。 I feel that it validates my parenting method which comes naturally to me。 My husband is only now discovering Plan B as he has had to be more involved in parenting due to Covid。 He knows now that Plan A does not work for my daughter but that doesn't mean that Plan B comes naturally to him， but it does mean that he is doing better at it now than when he started at the beginning of lockdown。 Lockdown had a way of making Plan B the only viable option。 Our daughter is still explosive at times。 She's still emotionally vulnerable。 School is still an issue but it would help if we had better collaboration from the local school authority。 Plan B does not get rid of the autism or Pathological Demand Avoidance that make our daughter who she is。 But Plan B， and sometimes Plan C， make it easier to parent her。 I use Plan B with her older autistic brother as well but he is less explosive and， yes， I feel like his sister gets the lion share of attention but he does seem to enjoy doing his own thing （he is 15 after all）。 So I would like to say this book has changed me but I think only in that it validates the approach I had all along。 Hopefully， Dr Greene's ideas become more mainstream。 Then we will have a world where people work together for the betterment of the whole rather than fighting each other to reach the moral high ground。 I wish him luck in his crusade。 。。。more
Maggie the Muskoka Library Mouse
，
Horribly edited。 Not as helpful as I had expected it to be。
Heather
，
Great for understanding a child who isn’t doing well using typical parenting methods， but more importantly- concrete steps on what to do with that information。
Liz
，