The Joy of Being Selfish: Why you need boundaries and how to set them
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2021-08-11 22:21:12
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Michelle Elman
- ISBN：180279025X
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
Is your friendship group constantly filled with drama？
Does your boss make constant unreasonable demands？
Do you find yourself saying 'yes' to people and events to keep those around you happy？
Do you often find yourself emotionally exhausted and physically drained？
If so， you need a strong dose of boundaries。
It's time to discover the joy being selfish。 Putting the needs of everyone around us before our own is ingrained in us from a young age。 Often， this leaves us with little time or energy for much-needed self-love and self-care， and to figure out who we truly are and what we really want。 Life coach and influencer '@scarrednotscared' Michelle Elman is here to teach you about reclaiming your life through the art of boundaries。 The practical side of self-love， creating and upholding strong boundaries will teach others how to treat you， rid your life of drama and toxic relationships and allow you to love yourself and others in the best way possible。
Does your boss make constant unreasonable demands？
Do you find yourself saying 'yes' to people and events to keep those around you happy？
Do you often find yourself emotionally exhausted and physically drained？
If so， you need a strong dose of boundaries。
It's time to discover the joy being selfish。 Putting the needs of everyone around us before our own is ingrained in us from a young age。 Often， this leaves us with little time or energy for much-needed self-love and self-care， and to figure out who we truly are and what we really want。 Life coach and influencer '@scarrednotscared' Michelle Elman is here to teach you about reclaiming your life through the art of boundaries。 The practical side of self-love， creating and upholding strong boundaries will teach others how to treat you， rid your life of drama and toxic relationships and allow you to love yourself and others in the best way possible。
Reviews
Josefa （June。Reads）
，
Michelle is the Queen of boundaries 👏🏻 and this book is about that。 I have quite a lot of boundaries in place， especially related to work， and this book has shown me some others that I need to work on。 I definitely recommend it if you struggle with boundaries in any aspect of your life。
Abiha
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Cannot recommend this book enough。 if you are going through a difficult time， this book equips you with the tools to get through。 There are activities to ‘Take Action’ and lots of examples on how to articulate your boundaries in a healthy way。
Katie
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4。5 starsListened as an audiobook。 I think someone else should have narrated， but overall it was a good read。
Andrea Kilin
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A joy to read， with actionable advice - even some templates for the nerdy ones like me。
Audrey
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I picked up this book after two friends told me （enthusiastically） about it。 Like many people I occasionally find myself struggling with indicating boundaries， particularly in the work-field， so I figured， why not。 I have to admit though that after finishing the book， it has left me feeling kind of 'meh' about it。 Although， in fairness， a lot of that will have to do with the fact I really didn't feel like the target group for this book （although demographically speaking， I certainly am）。 On top I picked up this book after two friends told me （enthusiastically） about it。 Like many people I occasionally find myself struggling with indicating boundaries， particularly in the work-field， so I figured， why not。 I have to admit though that after finishing the book， it has left me feeling kind of 'meh' about it。 Although， in fairness， a lot of that will have to do with the fact I really didn't feel like the target group for this book （although demographically speaking， I certainly am）。 On top of that， while I struggle with boundaries somewhat， this book is really aimed at those who have literally no boundaries at all and are basically living doormats。 For those who really struggle so hard， this book might be a good fit。What I likedThe book is written in an engaging， direct style that is easy to follow。 Some parts and examples have a nice self-deprecating flair to it。 On top of that， the book offers various exercises one can do to improve boundaries。 Although Elman doesn't explain them in any detail， she hints at/uses a number of models common in other self-help books （Eisenhower's importance/urgency matrix， stimulus-response and shifting paradigms）The part of the book I enjoyed the most was where the author listed simple replies to comments clearly meant to manipulate， guilt-trip or otherwise derail attempts at boundary-setting。 I've copied down a couple for future use。 I would say I look forward to giving them a whirl， but that would be equal to saying I look forward to someone crossing my boundaries。The book has a very blunt and direct style， and doesn't focus much on empathy or conversation。 However， in a way that might be a good thing， because someone who is prone to having their boundaries pushed will likely go too much for those elements already， and a good dose of harshness might be just what is needed。What I didn't likeThe book is very heavily targeted towards a niche demographic: women in their twenties， who are either in college or entrepreneurs， and care strongly about social issues。 I expect this is because this is also the demographic the author herself belongs to， and she uses primarily personal examples in her book。 In essence， there's nothing wrong with a book aimed at a niche， but I would have appreciated it if had been made more clear to me from the book's cover/title/blurb。 Although I should take some of the blame， as one glance at the author's Instagram page could have shown me this （and then I likely wouldn't have picked it up）。Something I've seen with many self-help books （and it crops up here as well） is that often the examples just aren't that。。。。lifelike。 They'll either portray a situation where someone's behaviour is so outrageous that a child could see it's not okay， or some details have been left out which just make the examples look like weird 'and then everyone clapped' type stories。The author uses the concept of 'childhood trauma' a little too liberally for my tastes。 Any and all issues with boundaries she， without hesitation， attributes to some parenting failure you had to endure as a child。 Finally， the book has very strong undertones of identity activism。 To me this is a negative because while I am sympathetic to many of their causes， I am often not a fan of their methods and their rhetoric。 I appreciate that this is a personal dislike though。 If you're into identity activism this book will not disappoint。 The book veers off into women-specific issues regularly， and other 'staples' such as gaslighting exes， fat-shaming friends and patriarchal white men all get their time in the sun。 。。。more
Vanessa
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Clear， direct， and easy to understand。 Why boundaries are important， how to set them， and how you’ll know you’ve grown。
Jessica
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I am someone who has always struggled with boundaries and setting boundaries。 I always wanted to make my friends happy and put them first whilst I didn’t care about my own needs。 This year， I aimed to put myself first and to built my self-love and this book is such an enormous help towards this。 Michelle writes about boundaries and how to set them in such a simple but amazing way I found myself thinking I could do this easily in my daily life。 This book has helped me so much and I will recommend I am someone who has always struggled with boundaries and setting boundaries。 I always wanted to make my friends happy and put them first whilst I didn’t care about my own needs。 This year， I aimed to put myself first and to built my self-love and this book is such an enormous help towards this。 Michelle writes about boundaries and how to set them in such a simple but amazing way I found myself thinking I could do this easily in my daily life。 This book has helped me so much and I will recommend it to everyone！！ 。。。more
Mackenzie
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Excellent book！
Kylie Q。 Rada
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Honestly， my personal obsession with the author of this book may be biasing my opinion， but regardless， this book was a really solid and enjoyable read。 Michelle Elman， or @scarrednotscared on Instagram， TikTok， and elsewhere on the interwebs， is just a true gem of a human and a joy to pretend to be friends with。 She is also someone who I learn alot from on a daily basis through her Insta posts and stories， so when she announced a new book on boundaries I immediately preordered it， even thought Honestly， my personal obsession with the author of this book may be biasing my opinion， but regardless， this book was a really solid and enjoyable read。 Michelle Elman， or @scarrednotscared on Instagram， TikTok， and elsewhere on the interwebs， is just a true gem of a human and a joy to pretend to be friends with。 She is also someone who I learn alot from on a daily basis through her Insta posts and stories， so when she announced a new book on boundaries I immediately preordered it， even thought it was only available at the time in the UK。 Granted， the writing is not like scholar level， but poop on that arbritrary standard。 I love having all of Michelle's wisdom on boundaries in one place， and this book also includes tons of practical advice and tips for applying boundaries in your own life。 If you're a people pleaser or have trouble saying no， you will absolutely benefit from this book。 。。。more
Juliette
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This book has changed my life！ It is so eye opening as to the mistakes in communication i have made in the relationships in my life， whether that’s with family， friends or a romantic partner。 I will definitely be taking the advice in the book and attempting to implement boundaries in my life more frequently。
Karina Knowles
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I found this book very well written， with practical advice and exercises to help develop new skills in setting boundaries。 As someone quite a long way past her 20’s， I only wish this book and this concept of boundaries had been available to me back then！ However， it’s never too late to learn！ My husband is looking forward to reading this now I’ve finished and I have bought a copy for my goddaughter， in the hope that she can achieve healthier relationships sooner than I did :）
Tess
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This was a great comprehensive introduction to boundaries with a lot of different workbook pages to work through。 I admit that the fact that a lot of the examples skewed a bit younger sort of colored my experience （especially after a year of COVID where boundaries while partying with friends isn't exactly a concern）。 This was a great comprehensive introduction to boundaries with a lot of different workbook pages to work through。 I admit that the fact that a lot of the examples skewed a bit younger sort of colored my experience （especially after a year of COVID where boundaries while partying with friends isn't exactly a concern）。 。。。more
Sarah
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If you often say yes when you really want to say no to a choice of restaurant， parties， trips or movie and you are becoming exhausted by constantly not saying how you feel then this book is for you。 Michelle goes through every type of boundary setting， why you need it， why are not prioritising yourself and why you should be， and how listen to yourself and communicate better boundaries with friends， family members and at work。 I've made so many notes & post-it noted sections I know I'll be coming If you often say yes when you really want to say no to a choice of restaurant， parties， trips or movie and you are becoming exhausted by constantly not saying how you feel then this book is for you。 Michelle goes through every type of boundary setting， why you need it， why are not prioritising yourself and why you should be， and how listen to yourself and communicate better boundaries with friends， family members and at work。 I've made so many notes & post-it noted sections I know I'll be coming back to you。 It's a really important read in a time where being yourself and prioritising yourself is revolutionary。 Highly recommend。 。。。more
Victoria
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Sensational。 Challenging， eloquent， but simply written。 This book will not coddle you in any way， shape or form， but it will change your life。 Read if you are working towards a life of authentic joy and meaningful relationships。
Alex B
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i heard about this book while crawling out of a major emotional slump， and i found it at the best of times， when i was already feeling overwhelmed and lacking in any way to keep up with any and every aspect of my life。 i was already starting to realise the importance of boundaries and respecting my own needs more to ensure im comfortable and safe but that i also set expectations in order to maintain healthy relationships。 this book has been the best impulse buy ive made this year。 these are like i heard about this book while crawling out of a major emotional slump， and i found it at the best of times， when i was already feeling overwhelmed and lacking in any way to keep up with any and every aspect of my life。 i was already starting to realise the importance of boundaries and respecting my own needs more to ensure im comfortable and safe but that i also set expectations in order to maintain healthy relationships。 this book has been the best impulse buy ive made this year。 these are likely things people have heard before， but because the author has been through the same nuances of putting others first and being something of a people-pleaser， it somehow felt more like a slap in the face and a nice shaking， and it spoke to me so much。 i am taking so much away from this book to reevaluate my life and my interactions， not just in what works for me but also learning to be more respectful of my friends boundaries。 the book gives incredibly useful examples of how to state boundaries and offers so much advice and reassurance， i will definitely be coming back to read it a few more times when i need it。 its been really easy to read and follow and very nicely structured， an excellent read。 。。。more
E M
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I want to give the author a big hug and tell her that it's okay to unreservedly trust and rely on other people。 But I imagine that would over step her boundaries and she'd send me a bitchy text which would be recounted in her next book as a display of oddly expressed pride。 I found parenting advice by someone who is not a parent to be a particularly odd feature of the book。 It felt like the author was thraping around for another way to display her infinite knowledge of subjects that she is not a I want to give the author a big hug and tell her that it's okay to unreservedly trust and rely on other people。 But I imagine that would over step her boundaries and she'd send me a bitchy text which would be recounted in her next book as a display of oddly expressed pride。 I found parenting advice by someone who is not a parent to be a particularly odd feature of the book。 It felt like the author was thraping around for another way to display her infinite knowledge of subjects that she is not an expert in。 Although I suppose that's what happens when you become a "life coach" with limited knowledge of "life"。 。。。more
Lesedi
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A good refresher on how to set boundaries and how to be more considerate of other peoples boundaries。 I took this as a guide on how to communicate your needs in the most mature manner。 It’s a book I wish was available in my early twenties as it would’ve saved a lot of heartache！
Alexandra R
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Do you find yourself constantly doing things or going places you don’t want to be？ Then it’s time to discover “boundaries”。 This was a very different book to my usual choices and my first “self help style” I’ve read in many years！ Aspects really resonated with me。 I have constant urning to feel liked so have often done or said things I didn’t really want to do to please others to the detrimental effect on myself but on the flip side there were elements I found myself cringing at or shaking my he Do you find yourself constantly doing things or going places you don’t want to be？ Then it’s time to discover “boundaries”。 This was a very different book to my usual choices and my first “self help style” I’ve read in many years！ Aspects really resonated with me。 I have constant urning to feel liked so have often done or said things I didn’t really want to do to please others to the detrimental effect on myself but on the flip side there were elements I found myself cringing at or shaking my head as it just felt too “dramatic” for me。 BUT that’s the point isn’t it？ What is too much for me might not be for others which is why boundaries are there。 I don’t think I’ll take lots from this book and don’t see myself suddenly changing every relationship I have however it’s definitely made me more aware of making choices in my life I feel happy and comfortable about。 。。。more
Becky
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This book is exactly what I needed to read right now - coming out of the pandemic I think everyone is going to need to set boundaries for what they feel comfortable doing， and this book gives you the words and confidence to stand up for what you need
lizeindisney
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I found this book incredibly helpful。 It has called me out on my behaviour - I am very much a pushover - and provided me with the tools I need to change that。 Kindle
Jess Scragg
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I wish I could write a review which does this book justice！ You can tell how passionate and knowledgable Michelle is about boundaries and the joy you can get from just embracing who you are， what you need， and communicating that。 I am now reflecting on just how many problems in my life would’ve been avoided if I had just had better boundaries。 I am recommending this book to everyone I know， it is so well written - really informative without ever being patronising。 I hope I can be a bit more like I wish I could write a review which does this book justice！ You can tell how passionate and knowledgable Michelle is about boundaries and the joy you can get from just embracing who you are， what you need， and communicating that。 I am now reflecting on just how many problems in my life would’ve been avoided if I had just had better boundaries。 I am recommending this book to everyone I know， it is so well written - really informative without ever being patronising。 I hope I can be a bit more like Michelle now because she is awesome and I love her （Michelle if you’re reading this - hi👋） 。。。more
Eleanor Higginson
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I’m usually sceptical of self help books， but I love Michelle’s Instagram account and I was intrigued by the concept of boundaries， so I decided to give this a try。 This is a well-written and well-argued book about why we all need boundaries in our lives and relationships， whether with family， friends， colleagues， or romantic partners。 I definitely found areas which I will take away and use in my life。 The examples from Michelle’s life were varied and illuminating （I wish I had as many friends a I’m usually sceptical of self help books， but I love Michelle’s Instagram account and I was intrigued by the concept of boundaries， so I decided to give this a try。 This is a well-written and well-argued book about why we all need boundaries in our lives and relationships， whether with family， friends， colleagues， or romantic partners。 I definitely found areas which I will take away and use in my life。 The examples from Michelle’s life were varied and illuminating （I wish I had as many friends as it sounds like she does！） My few criticisms would be that I thought the book could have been ordered more coherently and that it perhaps didn’t take enough account of different life circumstances （for instance， it mentions that you need financial privilege in order to decline work over someone disrespecting your boundaries， but doesn’t really elaborate further on this）。 However， this is definitely the best self help book I’ve ever read， and it’s encouraged me to give the genre more of a go in the future。 。。。more
Sally Jones
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Some interesting info but I cannot condone using boundary as a verb
Abi
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*just processing all the things I've just learnt and how good it was。。。 Review to come* *just processing all the things I've just learnt and how good it was。。。 Review to come* 。。。more
Dimity Austin
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Once and a while a book comes along that gives you exactly what you need at that time。 This is that book for me。 I've been doing a lot of personal work on my own boundaries。 And it's hard。 But important。 With Michelle's book I feel more capable in being able to tackle what I need too in order to be the best person I can be。 I feel like this should be a good that everyone has。 I can't reccomend it strongly enough。 Definetly a book I will read over and over again。 As I feel like you can get someth Once and a while a book comes along that gives you exactly what you need at that time。 This is that book for me。 I've been doing a lot of personal work on my own boundaries。 And it's hard。 But important。 With Michelle's book I feel more capable in being able to tackle what I need too in order to be the best person I can be。 I feel like this should be a good that everyone has。 I can't reccomend it strongly enough。 Definetly a book I will read over and over again。 As I feel like you can get something from it each time。 。。。more
my bookworm life
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📖🙌🏻[Gifted] Thank you to @welbeck for sending this copy of @scarrednotscared new book， which is out now 🎉Reading this and also reading Fearne Cottons latest book in the same month was like a supportive， informative and uplifting therapy session a week apart。 Two inspiring women who want others to feel like their best self。 This was such a good read， and one that was just so uplifting in ways because it just re instated what I needed to hear， and what I need to always remember。 Everyone does！ It’ 📖🙌🏻[Gifted] Thank you to @welbeck for sending this copy of @scarrednotscared new book， which is out now 🎉Reading this and also reading Fearne Cottons latest book in the same month was like a supportive， informative and uplifting therapy session a week apart。 Two inspiring women who want others to feel like their best self。 This was such a good read， and one that was just so uplifting in ways because it just re instated what I needed to hear， and what I need to always remember。 Everyone does！ It’s so important to have boundaries in life and to be aware that you are not being a bad person by putting yourself first， you are so important and you should always remember that ❤️。 It’s written and put together in such an informative and well constructed way， it’s accessible and easy to digest too。 I love Michelle’s who vibe so much and her self confidence and messages are so infectious and just give you that boost and reminders you need in your life。 Really recommend！。 。。。more
Janin
，